Husband keeps ruining family days out.

[FancyMintShark]

A few weeks ago it was my birthday and on the way home from a family day out my husband started an argument with me about my degree. I have already given him all the info regarding my degree (I’m halfway through so if he has questions now then he’s clearly not been paying attention). But he was asking questions that I’ve already answered many times so I was fed up because it’s just evidence that he pays zero interest in me. And i was tired from our day out. He had already tried to goad me into slagging off one woman for going back to work after having her baby and then his step mum for not working and in both instances I stuck up for the women. So he says (fyi I’m studying the Arts) ‘isn’t a degree supposed to lead to something?’ Meaning he thinks my doing a degree is pointless. And he does this a lot. Anytime I try to do anything beyond being a SAHM, he’ll find fault in. I said this and he went ballistic. Birthday ruined I spent the rest of the day crying in my room - he did not come check if I was okay. Recently it was my youngests birthday we had a lovely day out then we went home to chill for a bit. He napped while i took the dog for a walk, then we went to dinner and the entire time he was nitpicking at the kids. He got snarky with my son because he wanted nachos but he was having a big kids meal so hubs said no - i backed him up. Then my second eldest wanted slushy (which we had agreed the kids wouldn’t drink ever again because they’re toxic) he said no at first but she was hassling so he have in - i did not contradict him. My youngest (who’s birthday it was) picked that restaurant becauseof it’s soft play he said she could play in there once we ordered dinner - i backed him up. He was also offensive to my eldest by asking ‘is she actually learning musical theatre or just doing shows?’ She was clearly annoyed by this comment as she kept playfully bringing it up but he didn’t apologise he just ignored her. Then he started asking about her GCSE’s. He started the convo by saying is she still doing that thing in september or not because you’re always changing things (there was a programme for teens that i was looking into for her but she wasnt keen and my husband said it was too expensive so i cancelled those plans and he was told all of this) i was already fed up with him hassling the kids and so I may have made a sarcastic comment - almost forgot he kept nagging my second eldest about her peas (she hates peas) he said she had to eat ALL of them if she wanted a nacho from her little sis. I pointed out that she had been given a ton so maybe just half. Which she did but she put salt on them so they wouldn’t taste awful to her and he had a problem with that, then proceeded to make comments throughout the meal about how she didn’t eat all of her peas. So it’s the end of the meal and he’s being an arse and my youngest (who’s birthday it is) wants to go into the soft play. Everyone has finished dinner btw and we are just waiting for the bill. He said no and then started getting aggy with her and being cruel by saying she wouldn’t be allowed a movie if she went in the soft play. Did I mention it was her birthday!? So I said very quietly to him that I didn’t mind taking her in there while he waited for the bill. He was furious, started shouting saying I was undermining him said I do it all the time blah blah - i had literally backed him up throughout the meal, i draw the line at forcing my children to eat food they hate and he knows that. Anyway I left the angry little man on his own and went to the soft play funnily enough none of the older kids wanted to sit with him. We were in there for about five mins when he came out because the bill had been paid I tried to talk to him and clear things up he stormed out and refused to talk to me the rest of the evening, didn’t sing happy birthday when we did the cake didn’t help with the candles.

I did try to clear things up in the car ride home but he just kept shouting and I didn’t want to ruin LO’s birthday so I left it. Am just so fed up with him ruining our family days out. He always seems to find some issue with anything we are doing and it makes me not want him to come with us because it always ends with an argument because I’ll either stick up for the kids or myself and that infuriates him. He never used to be like this but last year he started working for a new company where I know the men there hold mysoginistic views and he is stressed because we don’t have a lot of money at the moment - cost of living, four kids, one wage family (he works five days a week and on saturdays either plays golf or cricket or goes on days out with his friends) so there’s no time for me to work (we home ed) oh and he’s got a trip to america coming up to watch the football.

Please don't feel like this is a criticism of home education. It absolutely is not. I am a teacher and totally get why many parents choose to home educate their children. However, if this choice means your children are stuck in an abusive home, and giving you the silent treatment and gas lighting is abuse, with a grumpy father and mum that feels like she is walking on eggshells then something will have to give.

Does he ruin big days often?

If so, it’s a pattern of control.

Took me ages to see it. Even just going for a day out was the equivalent of me asking if we could hike the Himalayas with a small child.

Not wanting you to work is also a huge red flag. Your desire to pursue a career and education should be supported by a good partner.

Start making your exit plan. I unknowingly worked on mine for a few years, making shifts in lifestyle and career that meant the change would be easier for me. I unfortunately left it until an incident happened where I couldn’t continue the relationship longer but it meant I was as ready as I could be. It is scary but you and your children don’t deserve a relationship like the one you describe. 💐

Leave him to stew, just take the kids. TBH it sounds like he's checked out

Will the degree enable you to become financially independent?

Why are you with someone who has no interest in you or the children?

What on earth are you playing at staying with this bully. Do better for your kids if not for you.

Hi @FancyMintShark

Your husband sounds like a mean, controlling, gaslighting man.

Why is he going to the World Cup?
Obviously money is going to be tight with 4 children and only one person earning (because the other one is doing a brilliant job running the home and educating the children, as well as doing a degree).

Did he discuss the trip with you before booking it? Or did he just decide to go because 'he works, so he deserves it'?

Other posters have said you should leave him, but that might not be very easy to do with 4 children and halfway through a degree.

Personally I would keep going until I'd finished my degree, because it will help you when you're job hunting.
I would also try to ensure that most special occasions are celebrated during the day, when he's at work or golfing.

Good luck @FancyMintShark

@FancyMintShark is he worried about money because he's the sole earner because you're home schooling and doing a degree. Is money very tight for you all or is he a high earner?

Does he miss the sex because you've withdrawn it or is he okay with that?

OP, I don't think it matters why he is behaving like this but whether you are okay living this way. How you educate your children seems irrelevant to the question of whether you want to share your life with this man. The only positive quality I could pick up from your post is that he isn't often at home. You might have some compelling reasons to put up with this: maintaining status quo, money. I think only you know if it is worth it. Life is short.

My only caveat would be that you are both setting an example to your children about how adult relationships should be that they may replicate in adult life. You sound like you ignore his undesirable behaviour to keep the peace but sometimes tell your children his behaviour was wrong. I'm not sure what your kids will make of this. He sounds like a belittling bully with a less than favourable view of women and although I totally see your reasons for not causing a row in a soft play place on someone's birthday, I would find it really hard not to offer a different interpretation for my DD in the moment in case she accepted this behaviour from any man in any circumstances in the future.

He sounds insufferable and I can't understand how you can tolerate his behaviour. In your shoes, I would put all the children in school, find a full-time job, and LTB. Although homeschooling can be a positive experience, I would imagine your children would be happy to go to school if it meant they could escape from this awful man.

(I know it's not the point of the thread, but I'm a bit concerned that you want to avoid spending much time on "the academic stuff" when home educating your children. They absolutely need to be engaged in academics, as well as sport and creative pursuits.)

I agree ^^ you also mention the older kids are starting to call him out, but they shouldn't be in a position where they have to.

Leaving now will upset the younger ones but staying will damage the older ones, and they have less childhood in which to correct the lessons and beliefs they're subconsciously picking up.

You home ed 4 kids, alone. He is at work or hobbies and any family time he is angry and horrible.
It sounds like you tried to have some sort of perfect home ed stay at home mum life, he is hugely resentful and you are angry.
Your kids haven't even got the respite of school to go and take their minds off this horrible atmosphere at home.
Do your kids like being home educated? Do you like staying at home all day?
Your husband clearly hates this whole set up, unless it was all his idea??
I would suggest getting kids into school, getting a job and leaving your marriage for a happier and easier life for every one of you

You need to find a job, earn your own money and put your kids at school.
Your SAHM model life is clearly not working for the kids.
Your husband is probably very frustrated that he has provided all the money and the lifestyle for many years, the result being his own kids don't listen to him and his wife is not supportive at all. Maybe he has hoped that you will finally get a job and help him out but you decided to study an art degree for fun that won't lead to any career. Has the homeschooling been agreed by both of you or you decided to do it on your own? I know we are quick here to criticise men, etc. but we only know one side of the story.

But you see what the difference is here? One behaviour is self-destruct. Not good, not condoning it. But the other one is just plain destructive and ruins others' lives in the process, intentionally.

It does feel like he's the ATM that is expected to just keep on shelling out the money.

Even if I had 10 children I wouldn't live with a controlling dickhead like this.
Fact is he wants all the attention for himself, he wants to be the centre of attention at all times.
Why on earth are you home schooling these children? get them into school, get a job and start living your life without him in it.

Yup, my abusive exH ruined my fortieth. And Christmases.

He also ruined weekends. My late DF, who was somewhat abusive, used to ruin weekends too when I was growing up.

It's the abusers' playbook. Nothing more to it than that.

Also @Husaria I see the OP-kickers are here! They pop up like hungry meerkats on every thread.

Her husband's behaviour is HORRIBLE. If he has issues like you describe, he needs to communicate with his wife, not ruin their family life and their children's birthdays.

He's swinging his dick around because he thinks he can bully his wife and kids, like so many men.

Sounds like he's a dick 100% of the time not just on trips out?

I have been doing a lot of work recently decentering men and dismantling internalised misogyny. And possibly he is reacting to this.

OP can you expand a bit more on what you mean by this and how he is ‘reacting’ ?

Why is it not relevant that OP is a SAHM and he foots the entire bill for the family ? OP is effectively shooting herself in the foot by home schooling her kids when they could be in school and she could get herself a job and find the independence to leave, if that’s what she wants. The reasons she gave for home schooling the children sound like excuses to me. Am I the only one who finds this And they don’t have to spend so much of their time learning about stuff that will not be relevant in their lives, so we don’t have to spend too much time doing the academic stuff. quite concerning ?

Didn’t read the full post but honestly I think you’re on a pathway to domestic abuse.
he sounds controlling at best…

You need to separate again but make it permanent this time.

Do you really want to live like this though? Is this what your parents put you here for? To try and rehabilitate a failed human?

It's a thing they do. Ruin occasions. It's a power thing. My ex did it. It was a good while until I saw the pattern and it was overlaid with other abusive patterns but when I saw it, I really saw it and I was out.

They do it because they have a dick the size of a sugar puff and a brain and intellect the size of a Rice Krispie? who knows? Who cares? Thay are wankers for it and women should not be subject to their petty arseholery.

LTB it will NEVER change. He will NEVER change. do it for the kids if you won't do it for yourself.

Gobsmacked by this tbh. Idk if I'm just extremely argumentative or if other people are excessively passive, but I would have asked him why he's being such a vile prick after the first comment he made at each event. No beating around the bush, just what is your problem this time? Why are you being such a massive twat, again? My ex did this on family outings, which he only attended 2 of. He only attended 2 because he ruined both of them being a miserable, sulky, snarky bastard, so I didn't allow him to come out the third time. He said I can pay for it all then, so I paid for it all then. And every outing following this was so much nicer, because he wasn't there to ruin it.

I'm not saying you are the problem, because you're not. But in being so passive you are a part of it and enabling this to happen. Your kids will not think highly of you if this is how you enable them to grow up, with a man who quite blatantly hates his own family.

He really has you trapped, though. No job, kids are homeschooled. Now it's going to feel like you're uprooting everybody's life by leaving. But that's what you need to do, because your husband is truly fucking awful. Idk how people can live like this.