Husband keeps ruining family days out.

[FancyMintShark]

A few weeks ago it was my birthday and on the way home from a family day out my husband started an argument with me about my degree. I have already given him all the info regarding my degree (I’m halfway through so if he has questions now then he’s clearly not been paying attention). But he was asking questions that I’ve already answered many times so I was fed up because it’s just evidence that he pays zero interest in me. And i was tired from our day out. He had already tried to goad me into slagging off one woman for going back to work after having her baby and then his step mum for not working and in both instances I stuck up for the women. So he says (fyi I’m studying the Arts) ‘isn’t a degree supposed to lead to something?’ Meaning he thinks my doing a degree is pointless. And he does this a lot. Anytime I try to do anything beyond being a SAHM, he’ll find fault in. I said this and he went ballistic. Birthday ruined I spent the rest of the day crying in my room - he did not come check if I was okay. Recently it was my youngests birthday we had a lovely day out then we went home to chill for a bit. He napped while i took the dog for a walk, then we went to dinner and the entire time he was nitpicking at the kids. He got snarky with my son because he wanted nachos but he was having a big kids meal so hubs said no - i backed him up. Then my second eldest wanted slushy (which we had agreed the kids wouldn’t drink ever again because they’re toxic) he said no at first but she was hassling so he have in - i did not contradict him. My youngest (who’s birthday it was) picked that restaurant becauseof it’s soft play he said she could play in there once we ordered dinner - i backed him up. He was also offensive to my eldest by asking ‘is she actually learning musical theatre or just doing shows?’ She was clearly annoyed by this comment as she kept playfully bringing it up but he didn’t apologise he just ignored her. Then he started asking about her GCSE’s. He started the convo by saying is she still doing that thing in september or not because you’re always changing things (there was a programme for teens that i was looking into for her but she wasnt keen and my husband said it was too expensive so i cancelled those plans and he was told all of this) i was already fed up with him hassling the kids and so I may have made a sarcastic comment - almost forgot he kept nagging my second eldest about her peas (she hates peas) he said she had to eat ALL of them if she wanted a nacho from her little sis. I pointed out that she had been given a ton so maybe just half. Which she did but she put salt on them so they wouldn’t taste awful to her and he had a problem with that, then proceeded to make comments throughout the meal about how she didn’t eat all of her peas. So it’s the end of the meal and he’s being an arse and my youngest (who’s birthday it is) wants to go into the soft play. Everyone has finished dinner btw and we are just waiting for the bill. He said no and then started getting aggy with her and being cruel by saying she wouldn’t be allowed a movie if she went in the soft play. Did I mention it was her birthday!? So I said very quietly to him that I didn’t mind taking her in there while he waited for the bill. He was furious, started shouting saying I was undermining him said I do it all the time blah blah - i had literally backed him up throughout the meal, i draw the line at forcing my children to eat food they hate and he knows that. Anyway I left the angry little man on his own and went to the soft play funnily enough none of the older kids wanted to sit with him. We were in there for about five mins when he came out because the bill had been paid I tried to talk to him and clear things up he stormed out and refused to talk to me the rest of the evening, didn’t sing happy birthday when we did the cake didn’t help with the candles.

I did try to clear things up in the car ride home but he just kept shouting and I didn’t want to ruin LO’s birthday so I left it. Am just so fed up with him ruining our family days out. He always seems to find some issue with anything we are doing and it makes me not want him to come with us because it always ends with an argument because I’ll either stick up for the kids or myself and that infuriates him. He never used to be like this but last year he started working for a new company where I know the men there hold mysoginistic views and he is stressed because we don’t have a lot of money at the moment - cost of living, four kids, one wage family (he works five days a week and on saturdays either plays golf or cricket or goes on days out with his friends) so there’s no time for me to work (we home ed) oh and he’s got a trip to america coming up to watch the football.

He seems profoundly unhappy,if he is taking issue with everything,try to get to the bottom of what is wrong in his life.

The problem is that he's that type of man, and hates his own family.

Your kids would be much better off with the “incessant drudgery” of school and a financially independent happy mother who is not being abused and gaslit in front of them than this current situation. Home schooling is not more important than providing a safe, loving and calm home. It sounds like utter misery at the moment for all of you. I think you need to make a plan to have your own money and assets because this is very unlikely to improve.

they don’t have to spend so much of their time learning about stuff that will not be relevant in their lives, so we don’t have to spend too much time doing the academic stuff.

How do you know what will be relevant in their lives? I’m
not anti-home ed by any means, but you do seem to be rather delusional in several elements of this story. Your husband is an abusive arsehole. You’re existing parallel to an exceptionally difficult jobs market and making yourself less employable. I got a degree last year which I don’t need but which was studies alongside more than full time work.

You are doing your kids a disservice letting them grow up in this dysfunctional family where you have stopped advocating for them in the moment and you whisper to them about your husband’s failings afterwards. It sounds like you have at least 4 children with a decent gap between the first two and the others. Why on earth are you not prioritising getting them away from their arsehole father?

This. There are several elements of this tale that just don’t seem to ring true. I’m also a bit nonplussed about OP’s post in which she describes herself as having been ‘doing a lot of work recently decentering men and dismantling internalised misogyny’ and thinks her DH may be reacting to that. I have no idea what this means, but I have a strong suspicion that whatever the root of the problem, it isn’t all one sided.

Your DH is wrecking everything you do. This is coercive control. You need to leave but that will take planning. Whose idea was it to home school? Because this has made you financially dependent and without a job/career.

You dont have to stay with someone who hates you and holds you in contempt.

I think these are very good points. People are very quick to blame DH here, but it does sound as though he’s reacting to something - especially if, as OP says, he hasn’t always behaved this way. OP has actually said a few things that taken alone are quite concerning and I have the feeling that we’re not getting the whole story.

And they don’t have to spend so much of their time learning about stuff that will not be relevant in their lives, so we don’t have to spend too much time doing the academic stuff. Tbey’re all really active and creative
How do you know what they will need? What are you cutting as unnecessary academic stuff? Shakespeare? Physics? How your country developed - ie History? And how are they creative if they don't know academic stuff, which includes understanding perspective if you are drawing, understanding nutrition if you are cooking etc?
I think they would be happier in school and you would be happier working outside the home for money and leaving your DH who doesn't seem to like any of you very much and is also exercising coercive control - that's what ruining your happy times/denigrating your degree and DCs' achievements are all about.

Women can too. My ex was vile the night before our kids’ birthdays every year and every Xmas Eve, largely because she hated a) doing anything she didn’t want to do and b) having to stay up late to get things ready. She was the same whenever we had to do anything unexpectedly or - god forbid - I asked her to pull her weight. Basically, she was a crap man in every conceivable way apart from being female!

I picked up on this too and it’s concerning. So is this from an update: I have been doing a lot of work recently decentering men and dismantling internalised misogyny, and he is possibly reacting to that. I have no idea what that means but I suspect her DH very definitely does. OP also talks about the removal of support and refusal of physical intimacy and she describes herself as ‘an ally to her children but not her DH’. I suspect we’re not getting the full story as to why DH doesn’t seem to want to spend much time with his family.

Is he ? Some of the comments OP has made are very concerning and suggest her DH is reacting to something. We’re only getting one side of the story and i suspect there is much more to it than OP is letting on.

"Much more to it" that would justify him abusing and controlling his family? I'm not following. She could have hit him and it doesn't give him the right to be abusive. She could have cheated, it doesn't give him the right to be abusive. In that case, he should just leave. It's not okay to be abusive because the other person is, and certainly not when there are children caught in the middle of such a mess.

How does it suggest he is reacting to something? He is able to conduct himself perfectly fine at any event that does not involve his family. Him baiting his wife and kids into arguments and making condescending comments is him reacting to something? Are you this much of a pick-me that you would clutch at imaginary straws to defend an abusive man? It's embarrassing.

He does it because he doesn't want to spend HIS free time with his family. So bloody selfish. Whether you stay with him or not, take them out on your own, you will all have a lovely time, with no stress or upset, the way it should be.

@FancyMintShark Are they all his kids OP, as you keep referring to them as my kids, my eldest?

I think he is stressed and I don't think he is coping with a full on day with the kids because he isn't used to it. But he should not be taking it out on you and the kids.

I think it happens with many because they are moody and special occasions require them going out of their comfort zones to do something for others when they are so used to of being free and independent. But there could be other reasons too.

They have one side of their brain and personality overdeveloped at the expense of other side. They are excellent at work but not at home.

If it’s a nice phenomenon, could it be because he has resentment over you undermining his parenting. Eg you say - My children know and have for a long time that he can tell them to eat their veg all he likes but they don’t have to comply. And they know I’ll back them up. My husband knows that first and foremost I am an ally to my children not him. His usual requests for the kids to eat their veg are very polite and gentle.

You have 4 kids but you are not aligned on parenting and that seems to be a reason for his resentment as you say he wasn’t like this before.

What do you mean uou home school and don’t do much acamedic stuff?

I’m fascinated by the way some people on here cheerily say “tell him to leave,” “divorce him,” “leave him.”
Do they really think that’s all there is to it?
Very few men would just cooperate by packing a bag and toddling off. Or women for that matter.
But never mind, pop up to the solicitor’s on Monday and pay a fiver and you’ll have your divorce and child support sorted by Friday.

Have to agree with this - this whole situation sounds incredibly toxic. You don’t respect him, your children don’t respect him, and he is reduced to quibbling about how many peas a sixteen year old is eating. You take the children to one side later to make sure they know what a knob you think he is.

He actually does sound like a knob! But that is dreadful parenting on your side. Read up on “parentification” - no child should be getting dragged into their parents’ relationship like this.

You can’t leave because you want to remain in this bubble where you hang out with your kids doing art every day and don’t have to get a job, and you need him to pay for it. But you don’t actually like him. It doesn’t sound like he likes you much either. The whole situation sounds like it is going to implode at some point - probably when your oldest kids leave home (will you allow them to? Or will you discourage university/employment so they have to stay in the bubble with you?)

The question should be why are you allowing this man to poison your and your kids' opportunities with his toxic behaviour?

Dump that vile individual. Your kids really deserve better than being stuck with someone like that...

What a man child, get rid

Surely, as an adult he can address his problems with his GP etc, speak to his wife when kids absent rather than expect special treatment/ruin celebrations like a stroppy teenager?

Seriously idk how there are people on this thread defending a man who talks down to his kids and baits arguments and chooses not to sing happy birthday to his infant daughter because she went in the soft play area, for her birthday. 😬😬😬