Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

WTF

I'm so sorry you're going through this but it's a lucky escape. Well done for trusting your intuition, I think abuse can make that difficult for us! You're obviously a great mum. I'm proud of you💐

Well done OP x

Well done for listening to your instincts and checking up on him. You must be feeling every emotion right now. Wishing you all the best on extracting yourself from this safely.

I'm guessing you must be feeling a mixture of shock and disappointment to find out that this man while appearing to be someone you could trust and potentially build a future with has turned out to be the total opposite. You have been brave and proactive and should be so proud of yourself. I am sorry this has happened but you now know where you stand and that your intuition is spot on

I came here to say exactly this. It’s such brilliant progress and you’ve done exactly the right thing. I hope you close things down calmly and successfully. 🌺

You are showing exactly how The Freedom program is supposed to work - you’ve done amazingly. You’ve had a good start to a new relationship, and checked him out at the first sniff of a red flag.

You are brilliant @Croissantsocks

Well done for not ignoring your gut 👏🏽

I’m sorry, what ?

well done op

Assume wrong thread here !

Don’t be hard on yourself! You acted as soon as you had an inkling something might not be quite right. Hope you never hear from him again when you end it.

Definitely do what’s safest for you and the previous victim. Work, illness, whatever, just to quietly finish things. They really are all hiding in plain sight, it’s so disheartening.

No I think that was good advice from that pp. She's saying op should make up an excuse that makes her undesirable to the man so he leaves her alone (not that colostomy bags are gross but to a shallow man it might be a turn off)

not your fault. They get away with it because they are good at getting away with it.

oooooh right. I get it now

Me too!

Me three!

Ohhhh I see me four.

Thank God you listened to your gut! Just be proud of yourself for that and for acting on it so quickly, forget about beating yourself up, you had no way of knowing he was a wrong'un..

@HangingInJustAbout sorry I jumped on you

I think even mn took it the wrong way as it’s been deleted now .
but yes op the gist of it was to make him feel like he has dodged a bullet . So he leaves you well alone and doesn’t try any bullshit

The thing is @Croissantsocks in my experience and recovery from an abusive relationship, I learned that if a new relationship feels so “right” with our history it could be VERY WRONG.

you know these men use charm as a weapon, a way to trap us.

i know you’re in shock, but i know too that the last thing you want is to be back in a relationship like that.

deep breath, big deep breath and break it off.

there is literally nothing else for it. He WILL abuse you. He already is.

im so sorry ((((hug))))

Don’t be too hard on yourself for “falling for it again” - clearly, you didn’t! You got a feeling something was off and you followed up on it! That sounds like massive progress to me!

I’m in complete awe of your smarts - you picked up those nuances at the first hint. And he will be a clever practitioner, luring you in as these types do, with their phoney charm. You've also got a big heart and compassion to recognise what his previous partner went through. You and your daughter deserve the best partner for you, and until he comes along, she’s got you, teaching her to trust her gut and to acquire the knowledge she needs to vet the goodies from the baddies. You picked up he’s a wrong un, and I know it’s devastating and gut wrenching, but you know what you have to do, if not for yourself, for your DD. Well done for getting that knowledge and empowering yourself 💐

And sweetheart, you didn’t choose him. He targeted you.

you must still have some residual vulnerability to this. See if you can work with a therapist on establishing boundaries so that you develop the forcefield of self esteem that repels men like him.

but your instincts are bang on, that’s a HUGE step forward

well done @Croissantsocks - checking under Claires law must've taken some courage. Clearly you've come a long way

Also, thank you for sharing - might sound trite but its always worth reminding everyone of Claires law