Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

This

Predators hide in plain sight. If we could all spot them they wouldn’t be predators! But look at you… you’ve honed your senses and you clocked him from a comment.

You’ve protected yourself and child. I am sorry that he wasn’t what he seemed.

How haunting that he blatantly described the attack to you but reversed victim and offender. Like he’s switched it in his mind.

There are a lot of abusive men Op. I think that’s what women often forget. They assume that they must be somehow attracting the few abusive men… but actually they’re as common as ants. My poor sister has had multiple - one who sent my mother to hospital - and she’s only been dating for 10 years.

Well done OP, so glad you found out now before anything happened. You have been brave, be kind to yourself - you’ve done a good thing! Take the advice from the officer, end it and don’t look back!

And a silent “Thankyou” to Micheal Brown who campaigned tirelessly in the name and memory of his daughter, Clare Wood, to establish this vital piece of legislation ❤️

You haven’t ’done it again’ because this time you picked up the clues and acted on them. It’s a huge step in your personal growth and you should be very proud of yourself.

I’d stay away from anything that makes you look vulnerable or undesirable to other men, as sometimes abusive men want to think (or want you to think) you couldn’t get anyone but them. After the initial love bomb bit, and they start trying to wear you down. Something like that might be pure gold to them.

Echo what @oliviaAustin says and to add that I read here once that a therapist who worked with victims of abuse and who used a waiting room with other practitioners of other disciplines, and she could walk into a full waiting room and see her patients even if she’d never met them before

if she -someone working for these people’s good - can spot them at a distance, so can those with malicious intent

incant stress enough the importance for all victims of abusive situations to do anything and everything to “fix” the vulnerabilities to protect themselves from being targeted again.

for me it was having strong boundaries, being less agreeable and pliable and standing up for myself from the outset.

You shouldn't feel any shame, the men should feel the shame.
Well done for listening to your instincts

You don't owe him an explanation as to why you are ending things but do seek police advice on safety measures like a ring doorbell

Unfortunately it is often abusive /narcissistic people who are the most gloriously attentive initially

Wow. Well done for trusting your instincts!

Well done for trusting your instincts OP. You should be proud, all the work you've done has paid off.
Its awful but these men are everywhere, and are very convincing. Don't criticise yourself, or think there's an issue with 'that type' of man being attracted to you. So many of us have stories to tell. It's them, not us.

We have gut feelings for a reason.

Now you have to find a way to get away, without provoking him. You'll need support for thst, poss even live in.. or if you have somewhere/someone you can stay with temporarily.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best xXx

I think you are absolutely amazing. You had the first inkling that something might not be right and you acted on it. I know you’re feeling upset about being back here again but it really isn’t like that - the very first instance you acted, and skipped straight to the finish line without having to live through anything in between. You are remarkable and he is an utter piece of shit. Take such good care of yourself and your daughter and I pray you love living in your freedom that is just around the corner. In the mean time good luck with the breakup and I’m so glad you have the police support. Let us know how you get on on here. We are all backing you. Xx

Not read full thread but wanted to remind you.
You should NOT meet him to tell him it’s over
Id get ring doorbell and alarm sorted them just tell him via txt or such
Keep it short
You don’t need to explain
Good luck
🍀
<wish I’d have realised about not meeting up and tell him over txt/ similar >

Well done, on acting on your feelings and prioritising yours and your child’s safety. I know it will feel shocking, but try not to create the story about yourself as being somehow flawed. Abusive men are unnervingly talented at spotting people who may have suffered abuse in the past, so it could be that, or it could be random chance! Either way, you’ve done your due diligence, you’ve learnt and grown, and you’ve acted accordingly. It’s extremely hard to escape the cycle of abuse so hopefully the main thing you feel looking back is proud.

Wow. Claire’s law is incredible. Almost gives me hope that the system is not entirely rigged in favour of misogyny. I am so sorry OP but such a lucky escape.

Well done OP and to the community of women who gained the law and his ex who reported. You have done well here - not your fault at all.

Please do not feel stupid. Think how amazing you are and how far you have come that you were able to listen to your gut, take action and instead of dismissing it or questioning, you have been able to know that you need to break up from him.
The man is clearly a very capable liar and manipulator and yet you are able to separate your feelings from him.
Take this as a moment to celebrate the power you have taken back for yourself!

I’m just posting on here to say well done! You should be proud of yourself!

Well done OP. You must be in a state of shock. But well done.

You're saying that you're annoyed that you've 'fallen for one again' but in actual fact, you've picked up on signs that things aren't right, and acted upon that before it's too late (and he lives with you/meets your daughter). I'd say you've healed from your previous ordeal and are putting the things you've learnt into action. Not to sound patrontising.. but well done. Stay safe and good luck.

Be proud of yourself for trusting your intuition. This was brave. You will rebuild

I'm in awe at your spidey senses. It wouldn't even have crossed my mind to do a Claire's Law. I've gone away and read up on it in more detail. Must be a huge shock but, wow; spider senses are real. So glad you trusted yours.

OP there is nothing wrong with you. In fact you’re a role model.

You’re right about his ex as well - she may have saved your life by making those police reports, even if she couldn’t take it further.

And you may have saved a life too by sharing your story here. Who knows which of us might need to know about Clare’s Law in the future?

When you’ve been in an abusive relationship or grown up with abuse, it makes you more susceptible. So amazing well done to you for seeing through it and trusting that nagging voice in your head this time. I know you feel foolish now but this is actually a massive step forward.

Predators are often very, very skilled at manipulation so to realise before it got very serious and you maybe considered relaxing your rules around meeting your DD or moving in together is a serious achievement.

Don’t beat yourself up and you can quiet quit on him hopefully nice and safely.

Honestly. You did great. You didnt 'chose' him, he no doubt targeted you. Well done! And all the best for your future

Who were the charges dropped by?

Well done for following your senses.