Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

He is getting kicks about talking about what he has done, and seeing your reaction.

So now you know, you have good instincts and followed through. He didn't target you thinking he could get away with whatever was to come, he hoped! And you can shut that down now without telling him why but make it clear and irrefutable without being mean or rude.

Don't doubt yourself. Why should you doubt being attractive to a good looking fella, you obviously have it but are not stupid enough to accept anything less than what you need and you have good instincts. Follow the instructions from the Police.

Move on, you caught one good looking fella, throw him back and take your time to find another. There are good men out there so be confident that you deserve one and that you are no-ones fool.

You should be proud of yourself right now!

There was a similar situation on here a few months ago and the woman involved actually span it so that she wasn’t good enough for him. Which played into the guys ego and made it acceptable in his eyes for the relationship to end. I think she has said that she realised that she needed to work more on herself to be able to be a good partner for someone in the future and that she currently wasn’t able to give him what he needed. He still tried to win her round a bit (as these sort of men always do!) but it played into his ego enough that he accepted it was over.

Im not saying you should have to do that OP but it was a smart way of handling it. Any kind of perceived criticism of this man or your relationship could set him off so it’s something worth talking over with a close friend.

Statistics indicate there’s a domestic violence call to the police every 30 seconds and 55,000 prosecutions each year. VAWG is being described as an epidemic. Perpetrators can be anyone.

He hasn’t deliberately sought you out OP, you aren’t sending out vibes that you’re an easy target. He’s tried to test the water with you to see what he could get away with and it turns out nothing because your instincts were spot on and you’ve acted on them.

This thread should be saved somewhere prominent for others to find. Not only does it show a strong woman who has trusted her gut, it also shows the standard of support people should expect after a disclosure like what you have heard. Thank you OP.

Thank you all so much, I’m having quite an ugly cry reading all this.

sorry to pp- I meant to quote. We work in the same industry but I am lucky in that I can choose what services I work with or swap with a colleague should I need to. My work is v v secure key cards etc so he can’t bother me there. I think I will tell my manager too but just fighting the shame of it at the moment to be honest.
I have a ring door bell being delivered tomorrow, and dd is away at dads on the weekend so I think I will send the text or call him once she’s left.

The police officer has said tomorrow they will arrange warning markers and things

Its so frightening and creepy, just knowing anyone of you could google him now and not one conviction would come up. I really don’t think you would have any idea looking at him

Adding to the chorus of WELL DONE but also, if you're feeling strange/ floored it's because you've broken a cycle and that is really hard to do. The strange feeling is the mechanism that is so difficult to go against and keeps you in the cycle. But sit with it because YOU HAVE BROKEN IT.

Oh op that's grotesque, I'm so sorry you had this experience, and so very very glad Claire's law exists and was there doing exactly what it needs to do.

Echoing everyone’s well done op.
These men are so charming and plausible. That’s how they draw people in.
They target nice people who they can use so it’s brilliant you sussed him out.
Thank God for Claire’s Law too.

OP, can I just say, we all run into men like this, some of us will never know it, others get close enough to spot the signs and then will avoid them/dump them etc, and others wont find out until its too late. You spotted the signs, your therapy worked, and not only that, but youve been incredibly brave and you're now making the right choice not to pursue. You have done everything exactly as you should and should be so proud of yourself for that, rather than thinking you somehow attracted him to you.

I'll say it again, your therapy worked, you spotted the signs, you did everything right!

Just read your update OP: you have done nothing to feel shame for. Nothing. You aren’t the violent abuser. Tell your manager to ensure your safety.

And the only reason I’m not saying anymore is because I’m aware of what you posted about not discussing what the police disclosed to you. But I bet you can all guess what I’m thinking.

OP, Im a chap, please don't beat yourself up about you being attracted to this guy - these types of men are very good a presenting the charming, nice, generous front - its how they operate.

So you are not being attracted to the wrong vibes, he is deliberately putting on a front, a mask, and its difficult, if not impossible to see beyond.

Thankfully you had the foresight to do the Clares law request and have rumbled him - however upsetting it is to find this out, better than being more enmeshed and caught up in an abusive relationship.

Very best of luck - there are nice fellows out there, but sadly quite a lot of wrong un mixed in, take care!

Well done on trusting your instincts. Don’t feel disgusted at yourself for being attracted to him, people don’t show their true selves at the beginning. At least you know now before things escalated.

and what an amazing process the Clare’s law is, to help women feel safe.

I think that’s what has sickened me so much. He told me in detail what happened at a place, but much later on in the date then referred (changing details here a bit) to a holiday and showed me photos of the holiday where he clearly had no injuries whatsoever.

And then obviously during the disclosure I heard it again, but from the opposite pov. Plus about 10/12 other occasions.
I can’t even remember everything the officer said towards the end, just totally started floating away

Very well done @Croissantsocks you are awesome! Very well done for listening to your intuition and acting on it. You should be really proud of yourself.

These types of men are vile. They are so very hard to spot but your spidey senses are obviously spot on.

The shame is not yours. The shame is 100% his.

Be kind to yourself - think what you’d say to someone if they told you they had spoken to the police like you had. Then speak to yourself that same way.
Sending a massive hug xx

Wanted to add my handhold and a big well done. You’re so brave to recognise something wasn’t right and act on it straight away. I’m sorry you’re so upset but you need to let go of that shame. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I hate that we still live in a society where it’s so common for women to carry shame for some men’s awful actions. Thinking about his ex too and hoping she has healed.

I think you should be giving yourself plaudits for having the smarts of piecing together holes in his narrative and then for having the guts to actually make the enquiry about it. Unfortunately not many of us would be able to have done that. And thank you for sharing this with us here so that perhaps some other women might be able to draw on your experience and gather enough courage to put in a Clare's Law request about their partner. I hope it all goes smoothly for you and that you perhaps do tell your manager just in case. It's great that you've got so much support and practical guidance from the police, which probably indicates that they think he's more than just a POS.

Yes it does!!

Why was everything dropped? Did she lie?

Im saying this as a DV victim awaiting court, however, I also know of circumstances out of vengeance, simply reporting people/men turning up for allocated child time but making out threatening behaviour. To the point, one of said men wore those sunglasses that picture/record.

Don't feel bad about yourself. Predators like these men specifically target women they think they can manipulate, but you've shown you're not the one. You've done the right thing and should be proud.

Unbelievable.

Don't for one second think that you fell for it. Or you attract these types of men. It's on them as hideous individuals.
Interesting you said about something he said that pricked your attention. Slightly different, but I read on another thread, these types mention certain things/actions/events to see your reaction and almost what you're willing to tolerate/accept as okay.
I hope you're able to get out of this safely and can put it all behind you.
Best of luck

As Gisèle Pélicot said, "Shame must change sides". No shame on you OP. None at all.

I’m so sorry OP but I just want to really applaud you for protecting yourself and your daughter. Especially after being so in love, it’s would be so easy to convince yourself that it’s probably fine and nothing to worry about.

well done for doing a Claire’s law anyway

Sickening and insidious. Good riddance! Let’s hope the next woman he dates as the sense and courage to do a Claire’s law too.

Don't look at it as 'you attract this type of man' or 'it's happened again'. You escaped a previous abusive relationship, sought help to leave and completed the Freedom Program. It's that help you received the first time, that has given you the tools to recognise something this man said to you, didn't add up.

Be proud that you recognised something was off, and you made a Clare's Law request. You have done a lot of healing, and it shows, because immediately you took steps to protect yourself by making that request.

Of course, it's sad that this person isn't who you thought he was. However, be grateful that you now know the truth. You can take steps, with help from the police and other departments, to make sure you extract yourself safely from the relationship.

do you know a lot of men who have been ‘falsely accused’ by their ex?