Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Oh well done. You got out of the previous abusive relationship. You did the Freedom Programme. You spotted something not quite right this time. You listened to that instinct. And now you are believing the police and acting to protect yourself and your child before anything truly bad has actually happened to you. You have genuinely come an amazingly long way from your first experience of being trapped in an abusive relationship. Give yourself credit for how far you have come.

Very scary. Good job you're on it.

Stay safe.

I’m so sorry op. Giving you a huge hug and hand hold. So glad you listened to your gut before things got more serious between you both but I’m so sorry you’ve met him to start with. You’re strong. Things will feel better. But it is really shit and you’re allowed to feel sad x

Well done for listening to your intuition.

So interesting that you mention tummy flips. That's not excitement, that's a fear response. But it often gets masked by sexual attraction and confused for something positive. Definitely listen to your body - sounds like your instincts are spot on.

I think that the fact that you did a disclosure as soon as your spidey senses were triggered shows that you have done the healing. Rather than looking at it like the "wrong men" are attracted to you and you to them, look at it as actually breaking the cycle. You've seen this one coming and you've swerved it whereas years ago, you would have ignored your spider senses and got sucked in.

I'm glad you've got the support from police to end things, he's clearly a dangerous man.

Big loves and a huge WELL DONE from me!

Twaddle like this makes women unsafe. Its completely fine to do a Clares Law request even if you have not a shadow of a doubt just to be on the safe side.

Don’t blame yourself, OP, you listened to your instinct. Many of these men are serial charmers, they put on the perfect prince act as a trap. I am glad you recognised something was off and can keep yourself safe now.

You haven’t chosen again, you’ve done everything right and all the women’s aid/freedom program have worked because it’s flagged it up to you and you’ve known to check it out. Others that haven’t done that work might well have missed the red flags so well done.

Wow, you are amazing @Croissantsocks absolutely agree with the pp that said you have broken the cycle. Most of us wouldn't pick up on the signals when in the early stages of a relationship. Do what you need to, look after yourself and book a mini break (or whatever makes you happy) for you and the family for some chill out time with the people that matter the most.

The whole point of the freedom programme is not to stop you choosing an abusive man (who will be hiding their abusive nature) but in spotting the signs as soon as the perpetrator shows them, and then acting on that information quickly. So the freedom programme worked exactly as it was made to do.

So first of all, congratulations on seeing, and then acting, on those red flags ❤ and I'm so sorry that yet another "good guy" turns out to be yet another vile human being.

Thank you all for being so kind ❤️I feel so stupid and empty. I won’t miss him at all to be honest. I really have made a great life and I’m proud of that.
Luckily he knows I have some really big projects coming up at work so I can spin some stuff about that and no spare time etc and cut it off.

These men are so bloody good at making you feel ‘seen’. Im just so disgusted in him for the things he did and I wish I could tell him that. Obviously won’t but I really would like to tell him to go fuck himself.

Well done for all the hard work you’ve done and all you have survived to get where you are today. I agree with all the posters saying well done for listening to your instincts and also for protecting your daughter from meeting him.

I also feel the need to thank the brave women who went before us who asked for and fought for Claire’s law to exist. I will teach my DD about it when she’s older.

And it’s appalling it even has to exist. And never forgetting the original Claire.

You didn’t choose him. He targeted you. This is not your fault. It’s huge manipulation on his part.

The good news is

• you felt something was off
• you listened to that feeling
• you thought about a Claire’s Law request
• you followed through and asked for one
• you heard back very quickly
• you can protect yourself.

This is not nothing.
This is you protecting yourself.

I'll say it again, you are rescuing yourself at the earliest possible stage. That is to be congratulated. I hope that you can take the feeling of being blindsided and turn that into relief and happiness that you can and have protected yourself xx

“Ghost him”

That’s really not a good way to avoid confrontation. A simple, it’s not a good time to get deeply involved for me … work/child etc and thanks but goodbye.

Well done for listening to your spidey senses and taking action.

you are not to blame. Any shame is his.

I agree 💐I wish I could thank his ex partner too for the reports. I’d be clueless if she hadn’t ❤️

You were not stupid and foolish. You saw through him before he had you vulnerable. Well done. All the work you did with women’s aid has paid off.

Massive congratulations because you have clearly changed. You can't control someone lying or being shady so that's not on you. You have developed an instinct and the self respect to act on it and that is HUGE. The women who win aren't the ones who see it a mile away (although great if they do) or find it easy, they are just the ones who do what they need to. You are one of them now ❤️

Maybe not today but one day you will feel very lucky that you were able to trust your instinct. Have to say, well done to the police for being pro active and helping you to plan to get away from this man

It’s not you either, these men see the vulnerability & choose to exploit it. Your instinct was right. Do you need to tell work, if you work together or closely?

I would look to some of the domestic violence charities after you are free to see if they can give you some help & support, because this is a very traumatic thing to go through.

sending you & dd best wishes

What do you mean? You've done brilliantly. You noticed something felt a bit off, didn't gaslight yourself about it, took appropriate steps to get more information and are acting on it to protect yourself and your daughter with no hesitation.

There's nothing more that anyone could do. These people unfortunately walk among us and no-one has an infallible radar for them. There's not something 'broken' in you because you didn't spot him immediately.

Plenty of people don't act as sensibly as you have, unfortunately. The Freedom Programne has done its job impeccably in my opinion, and so have you as a mother.

Bloody well done.

I’m also impressed with the speed of the response you got, and the ‘target hardening’ plan. Well done, police force.

You're lucky youve found out before you get into deep. Just end the relationship don't tell him why.

Firstly well done. You have done nothing wrong absolutely nothing. Wolves hide amongst the sheep. They make friends with them - they literally are the best sheep friends ever. Then their best friend sheep the mask slips sometimes and only clued up people will see it. The wolf puts on their best sheep baa and says but I’m a sheep. Other sheep might agree oh he can’t be a wolf he sounds like a sheep, walks like a sheep, he eats grass etc like us.

There are decent men out there. Some people (not victim blaming) but they can’t see or heed warnings. Take advice professional on how to extract yourself. Change any passwords, locks etc that he might have had access to. Ring door bell installed immediately front and back etc

For me in this situation I would take advice could you say a family emergency means you need to concentrate on them or something and actually you want a break to concentrate on x or y. Distance yourself. And then break it off? Maybe take advice