Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Can I just say how much I admire your excellent instincts and how you acted on it so quickly? You're a brave and astute woman so don't ever doubt yourself. There's nothing wrong with you that is attracting bad men. Unfortunately, there are far too many of them and they are VERY good at hiding their true nature and being charming and charismatic. It's how they get women to fall in love with them and it's a well practiced act for them.

I'm glad the police are working with you to extracate yourself safely. Wishing you all good things for the future 💐

reiterating what others have said, shame needs to change sides. Shame be washed away from you, and land on him. Sending you huge amounts of love. Can you go away for the weekend when you tell him and stay with a family member? Is it worth telling your DD’s dad too so he’s aware or would that make things harder for you? Sending you so much love you really are an inspirational woman and you will be learning so much through this to impart to your daughter. She will be absorbing her mum’s wisdom that she has worked so hard on. You’re doing amazingly well xxxx

Of course. On Reddit. 🙄

I was referring to the fact that you have questioned whether a DV survivor you've never met is lying. Awful.

OP I just wanted to pop on to tell you this is one of the bravest threads I’ve read on here. Do not erase all of the immensely hard work you’ve done since escaping an awful situation by blaming yourself for the fact you didn’t recognise this guy as a vile human - you didn’t know and it isn’t your fault. You’re clearly extremely strong and level-headed, to be following the right and safe steps to be distancing yourself from this now, and moving onwards. Huge props to you, you deserve great things.

It was very thoughtful of you to acknowledge the bravery of his ex partner in making the reports, so there were records of his abuse for future disclosure. Who knows what the consequences for her were in doing that, but we can assume not good.
I can't imagine what it's like to find out these things about someone you have formed an attachment to and see a future with, but at least you are now informed, however horrible the information is.
Another one who admires the way you reacted and acted.

You should be so, so proud of yourself for spotting the warning signs. Well done and I really hope you extract yourself safely.

This is not your fault, by the way. Anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship. Don’t blame yourself just as you wouldn’t blame any other woman.

Don't feel bad. Abusers can be very tricky. You spotted an inconsistency, a possible lie about an abusive situation it sounds like, and instead of ignoring it, you acted on it by asking for a Clare's Law disclosure. You acted with your head instead of rug sweeping.

And kudos to the women who report. They help keep other women safe at possible risk to themselves.

Abusive men are master manipulators and good at hiding themselves, which is why it’s so easy for women to fall for them. It’s no personal fault of yours OP. You followed your intuition to get the truth, which is really amazing because it’s not easy to do that about someone you have fallen for, so feel proud of that OP.

You should know better than to post this!

Very proud of you @Croissantsocks . You're the bomb. Glad you have support to extricate yourself safely. I'd consider a gynae problem with unsavoury bleeding (!) and no sex until surgery which you will have to wait at least a year for. You won't be able to live a normal life and will have to focus on your health. He deserves more etc and you've decided it's not the right time to pursue a relationship.

I really wish you all the very best and be safe. You weren't lucky - you did it yourself 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Agree , well done op 🩷🫂

OP well done for trusting your instincts.
I don’t think telling your manager is a good idea.
They will regard him differently and you absolutely cannot risk this getting out at work, he’d be beyond furious putting his job, your job, your safety, possibly his ex’s safety at risk.
The information is too precious to your future to share with your manager- they are human and may inadvertently share it and then that person shares etc- no.
if work try to make you work with him you will have to make up a rather not excuse, even say you had a dalliance and don’t want to be in each others space if you have to and ask manager to keep that quiet rather than disclosing his violent abuser side

Well done you for listening to your gut...it would have been very easy to ignore it. You should be very proud of that..

I’m so sorry that the man you thought would bring you all the excitement and loveliness of a new relationship has resulted in such a terrible outcome. You absolutely did the right thing. Please come back and update us once you have exited safely.

I’ve experienced DV from three separate men and whilst I know there are some genuinely lovely men who would do no such thing at this point I’m wondering if a Claire’s Law disclosure should be the first thing all us ladies should do as soon as any new relationship gets going?!

I don’t understand why the charges were dropped ? Did they get scared and didn’t want to continue ?
But as flagged up so why he isn’t Google but if you search claire’s law then he’s found ?

Without a victim supporting the prosecution CPS don’t have anything to use. His previous victim was obviously very scared and probably threatened/coerced into retracting her statement . Many times over it seems. So in terms of convictions he has nothing but what he does have is a wealth of intelligence on police systems that show bad character and he is a perpetrator. Clare’s Law does exactly this, allows police to share information that isn’t in the public domain.

Well done to your force, in a week of terrible press, they have shown what the vast majority of staffs and officers are doing. You’ve done brilliantly OP!

You have done really well to realise something was off. Give yourself credit for that and for following up on your instincts. That’s what the law is there for, because these men are so plausible and difficult to stop. Stay safe, there are better things ahead.

Everything @Happyhettie said OP.

Well done for having the presence of mind to pick up the vibes and being brave enough to check up on him. You should congratulate yourself for taking action to protect yourself and your DC.

I will, thank you 💐

I believe so yes, the officer I spoke with today was telling me that even if you are just considering going on a date with someone (as in they have asked you out), you can put in a request.
It then goes to an inspector to decide whether or not they think there is information a person would need imminently, to keep themselves safe or their children safe.

Well done. I would say tell no-one what you've done ever. Protect the other woman. Do exactly what the police advise, put it behind you then.

Thanks God for this country's laws

Well done you for trusting your gut.

I’d just tell him I’d had a wonderful time over the last few months but actually I’ve decided to stay single and focus on the kids for now.

Or that I’d had a job offer so was going to be moving to the other side of the country so thought it best not to continue to date and get attached.

Or that I’d realised I was gay xD

Or all three lol.

These sorts cast a wide net. The only reason they stick around is often just that you haven’t discovered what they are yet. Or, you discover too late ams are already enmeshed. They can break anyone down given time and proximity so, discovering it first is key.

That and never ever tell any new man about past abuse, just incase.

But you spotted it fast so, good.

I’ve heard it said that tummy flips can actually be a warning. That they are actually danger bells but we just have been told to see them as something good. I like to hope that’s not true but…I suppose it’s possible.

The problem is, that backlogs the system with requests when there could be people in immediate danger who need the information fast.

I think you were right to do it this time as you were getting more serious with this person and got a vibe. But in future if you get a vibe, you know you can trust tour instincts. There's really no need to be putting in a Claire’s law request for everyone you date, you just have to be brutal, if anything makes you feel uncomfortable about them, you don’t see them again.

Obviously if it’s a few years in and you’re thinking of marrying or having kids with them or moving in together and all of a sudden they seem…off, then you might want to do a Claire’s law rather than throwing it all away just on a hunch. But at a few months in…nah, you know now just to chuck them.

You should be so proud of yourself OP. Built a wonderful, happy and safe life. Don’t let that dick bring an ounce of shame to you. It’s his - refuse to take any of it. So so glad you made a request. What a wonderful law and legacy Clare has left us with (though obviously sad it is needed) - it must save so many women from these appalling men.

Don’t be sad and disgusted at yourself for being attracted to them / them to you. It’s just very bad luck. Not down to something about you. In fact, the opposite, because your spider senses detected something and you pushed away.