Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

I'm so sorry youve found yourself in this situation but simultaneously I'm glad Clare's Law exists for this reason.

You have the (admittedly very difficult to process) facts now, and you can make an informed decision x

OP i'm reading your thread and I see a woman who has overcome and survived abuse, listened to her intuition and acted on it to keep her and her child safe. I applaud you, well done! I don't see any failure on your part.

It's obvious you've taken the Freedom Programme on board and made it work for you.

You're not the problem, abusive men are the problem. Good luck removing this man from your life.

I came on to say something similar and to quote that exact sentence. But you said it much better than I could have done.

It’s something that will help women to no longer be manipulated by these deadbeats because the red flags will become all too clear early on. The OP has also played a blinder by grey rocking the living daylights out of him so hopefully he’ll just be ‘disappointed’ rather than violent and vengeful.

So proud of you OP.

Please don’t worry that there is something in you that attracts abusive men and that makes you find them attractive. Abusive men are very skilled at acting the perfect partner in the early stages of a relationship so that they create an intense emotional bond which they count on to keep you hooked in when, inevitably (because acting like the world’s loveliest man is a massive strain if in reality you’re an abusive bstrd) the cracks start to show. They set out to make themselves highly attractive, so don’t beat yourself up for finding him so - any women would. What a lot of women wouldn’t have done in this situation however is listen to their spider senses and make a Clare’s Law application - it’s tempting to ignore warning signs when we’re high on romance/sexual attraction. I know right now you are reeling from what you found out, but focus on what a courageous and strong-minded woman you are to have done this and kept yourself and your daughter safe. I would highly recommend getting in touch with your local domestic abuse support service and joining one of the recovery group programmes they run, or failing that getting hold of a copy of Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven or Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft, to give you more insight into the way these predators operate and help you let go of any feeling that you are to blame for getting into a relationship with this man and your earlier abusive partner.The sad reality is, there are a significant number of domestic abusers out there, so learning the warning signs of an abusive relationship and acting if you spot any, by, at the very least, slowing things down to see what else emerges before you’re in too deep, is an essential life skill (and one that you’ve aced).Tragically, we don’t widely teach women about these well-researched red flags and what to do if they notice any; if we did, domestic abuse services like the one I work for would be less overwhelmed by people in heart-breaking and often dangerous situations. Well done you for using Clare’s Law - and well done to his previous partner too for logging what he did to her; without her, you would be none the wiser about the danger he poses.

You shd be so proud of yourself. You trusted your intuition and followed through. Your response to the disclosure has been calm, decisive and thorough (close to masterclass). I hope he stays away. Stay safe and happy OP X

I agree, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is good or any podcast that he's been on, he's a brilliant man who has explained so well what women need to look out for.

It’s so odd that someone would assume your post was written by a chatbot … because it’s coherent? I was expecting to read obvious or performative writing techniques (and even then that might just be someone showing off their GCSE English skills!) but all I can see is clarity and bullet points 😂. Maybe it’s the bullet points, which is a shame as I love a bullet point!

Agreed. I have a passion for bullet points, yet somehow one of my posts was “AI”. Perhaps we should just write in run on sentences without breaking up our ideas/points into paragraphs.

So sorry this has happened. Well done for getting out. Hope he goes away.

I experienced butterfies in secondary school around several teachers - sadly men not safe to be around DC or teens. Having seen and read the ‘butterflies‘ narrative I didn’t understand, at that stage/age, why and worried I had a crush on them. I later read Gavin De Becker’s ‘Gift of Fear’ and it clicked.

butterflies can indicate different things. For me, with butterflies for boys and later men I fancied, from afar, when meeting or developing with a friend, I chose whether and how to interact with them and the relationships felt like they developed naturally (or not!).

With the bad kinds, it was my intuition or observing not OK things about their words and behaviours, but not being able to articulate it in my mind. And with the bad, confusing butterflies with men I dated, the men always initiated contact and pursued.

If he was telling you this but from the victims POV, he was trying to find out what you will and will not tolerate.

Well done for your spidey senses!

If he harasses you, I take it you can add to his list, yes?

Hi OP,

Just another one saying so well done, you are a very strong lady 😊. As for the often repeated claim that ‘vulnerable women’ attract these people, I really don’t think that’s true at all. No-one can spot them can they? Just watch any season of the TV series The Traitors - they fool everybody, men and women alike. Although I have to say the traitor on Australian Season 2 gave me absolute chills, he really was a wrong ‘un but ….
He made it to the final as no one could se it xx

Thank you for posting your experience op. I think you've been incredibly brave and should be proud of yourself for finding out more when you became concerned.

For what it's worth , I don't necessarily think that people always attract abusive partners. I think these men cast their nets wide and see what lands. We shouldn't give these creeps so much credit imo. This guy seemed to learn to cover up his intentions due to being arrested for them in the past , which makes him harder to spot.

I hope you have a safe and happy weekend.

Female intuition is mostly always right.If it was an isolated incident ild have said talk to him about it and see what he says but,as there were multiple reports you best disappearing from this man immediately.Do not let life repeats itself and God forbid you lose your life in the process.
Love will find you again when you are not looking.
sending you prayers and positive vibes.

You're amazing OP.
You've built such a great life it's no wonder it would take someone dazzling and sparkly and seemingly nice to turn your head... and maybe you were a little bit more open because you met him through work... not on the Internet or at bus stop, say.

Maybe you dont need to rush to give meaning to this, just let your nervous system settle as you said, and reflect on it 0roperly later.

Wishing you very well OP.

This may have been suggested already but it's possible that you can pass a message to her through the police.

I'm so glad you are safe, you've managed this with real strength.

@Croissantsocks consider getting a dash cam if your car doesn't have one already, the kind that runs constantly in addition to what you have done already

Well done again 💕

That's a great point. The police support just say to make sure you reverse into parking spaces so you can exit quickly and easily, not get something to record anything that may happen.

So glad you’re safe! But, if I were you I’d delete this thread. These men are not normal, I wouldn’t be surprised if he lurks in these groups.

Thank god for Clares law & for the family of Clare to set this up.

Think there already was a perpetrator earlier up thread (not the ops) but yeah they are wrong uns and we don't really think the way they do

She was saying he was recounging the assual as if it happened to him. It's a classic thing with Narcisists, that they recount abuse as if it happened to them but in fact they are / were the perpetrator. Have experienced this and it's utterly bizaare.

Ooofe. That's worse.

What are the bets HE shows women who he truly is after months of trying to ‘impress them’ and they react to that by pushing back or removing him and that lack of tolerance to his bullshit is ‘women showing who they really are’.

"He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago."

Predators are always perfect in the beginning. That's how they build trust. You know what you have to do and that you should have done it sooner. Quit stalling.