I need some gentle advice for this situation with bf

[cosmickittycat]

Disclaimer: I posted this on Reddit but just got a lot of criticism and condescension and pretty much just called stupid.

I was abroad for a week in my (31F) bf’s (32M) home city for our 1 year anniversary. I met his family and some close friends for the first time while there.

Background: shortly after we got together, he told me about a woman (F early 30s) he used to work with who he was in love with, but it was unrequited (supposedly). But they stayed friends. She was supposed to come visit him that summer but changed her mind after he told her about me, and he said he felt “played” by this, like she was keeping him as a backup. And when I asked then if he was still in love with her, he didn’t say no. They apparently last spoke over text in October.

Now . She saw me and him together in a social media post his friend, who we saw while abroad, posted. She messaged him on Saturday and he said replying to her wasn’t a priority but then replied minutes later anyway. And apparently they were still messaging on Sunday — our 1 year anniversary — because he was showing me a different message and I saw their message thread. The last from him was “thank you” and a kiss emoji. He says it was in response to her saying she is happy for him that he’s with me.

I don’t know what to think about it. Am I being unreasonable for being upset that it happened at all, but on our anniversary of all days? And for still being upset now? I didn’t want to ruin the holiday but we’re heading back today and I can’t stop thinking about him and her.

Sorry, OP but better to find out now than another year in.

I think she was being very 'dog in the manger', and just wanted to see if she could keep him interested. He fell for it, but will find out she has no intention of a proper relationship with him. Now he's lost the good and genuine relationship in his life because of his stupidity.

To add, I've been in a relationship like this before and over 2 years I nearly went mad with wondering if I was overly possessive/jealous. The arguments and fights over things like this were endless.

Now I'm in a mutually respectful relationship - no way in a million years would me or my partner of 12 years act like he is doing towards each other. Any old flames are not touched with a bargepole.

That's why I'm confused, she said it's her anniversary?

Anniversary of starting dating.

Oh op, I’m sorry but you were the backup all along. Good riddance. Hope you’re ok.

He doesn’t care how it makes you feel. He doesn’t love you the way you love him. He just doesn’t. I’m sorry, but it is very obvious that you aren’t his first choice.

Oh darling. His reaction tells you everything you need to know. As I said, I was in the same boat. However, I expressed my upset and said I dont think its right to be communicating with an old flame especially when she was clearly still interested (she had broken up with her fiancee and had sent a picture of her and my fella as a facebook memory that had come up with the caption 'oh what good times'). He showed me immediately, and I said she was shooting her shot, and I was upset they were even facebook friends (although they hardly spoke). I dont agree with having exes as mates like that, and I told him so. I said if he loved me he wouldn't want to put me in that position of feeling jealous and insecure and how would he like it if it the shoe was on the other foot. Without me even having to ask, or without any hesitation, he apologised profusely, blocked her on everything and said how she didn't matter and only I mattered and he would never speak with her again. A year on and she has never been brought up, never been an issue at all.

What he has done is completely turned it around on you. Someone who loves you just wouldn't do that. If you get back together you will forever be on the back foot and your feelings will not be a priority - only his.

He sounds bloody awful. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love, but you have to. You deserve so much better.

He’s refusing to speak to me. I don’t know where we stand now. I feel like he wants to punish me with silence because he knows I feel abandoned and terrified, and then he will end it fully. And I’m so scared

@cosmickittycat - you need to end it. This man doesn’t care about you and you’re giving him all the power. That’s why you feel scared and helpless. How old are you, if you don’t mind my asking? It’s just that the older amongst us know how much it hurts to have your heart broken but also that in time your heart will mend and all will be well. Take back your power. Drop the rope. Stop trying to communicate with him. Stop asking for reassurance. You deserve better than this. Get busy and interested in other things.

I’m 31, he’s 33. But this is my first real relationship. I’ve had a lot of issues in the past due to childhood trauma and mental health (bipolar)

sorry, he’s almost 33

This response from him tells you everything you need to know. Relationships survive or fail due to how the couple handle disagreements.

If he handles it like this, that is not ok.

This relationship is not one to hold onto. He is not someone to hold onto.

Do not settle @cosmickittycat

Understandably you are afraid to be on your own again but this man will give you nothing but heartache.

Courage and self-preservation is your strength now, walk away and don't look back.

I am so sorry OP, but this is not a good man.

His response is to abuse you verbally.

He is trying to shut you down.

If you accept this he will know for sure that he can 100% treat you badly and you will accept it.

Not a long term bet.
Certainly not a man to havd a family with.

He is still emotionally involved with her.
He is punishing you for the fact that she doesn't want him.

You are second best, good enough for now.

If he really loved you, was invested in a relationship with you, he wouldn't dream of verbally abusing you.

Don't dismiss this.
You will bitterly regret it.

Take your power back now. Finish with him and mean it. Tell him its over because you won't be treated this way by anyone, let alone someone who claims to love you. Block him, and walk away with your head held high.

I guarantee this man would have destroyed you. You have gotten out quickly. It wont feel it right not but this is very much a blessing.

There's a lot of good advice on here for you OP. And most are saying the same thing. You're worth more, and if you tolerate his nonsense, then he's won and he'll know he can treat you badly, what you do now will set a precedent for your future, if you keep on with the relationship, he'll treat you badly, if you walk away you leave the door open for a new person to come into your life, a new person who would love you with the whole of their heart. I know it hurts, so spend time with friends and family, and I know you're scared, but it's better to be alone and have peace, than to have someone who gives grief. Sending big hugs your way.

Oh god I posted on a group chat about how I cut my wrist at work and it’s really hurting (I actually started crying in the middle of the shop which was humiliating) and nothing from him

Hes making you crazy OP. The way you feel right now I imagine is anxious, insecure, and you are spiralling. A good man who loved you wouldn't make you feel this way.

When I was considering leaving my very abusive ex-husband (I wasn't aware he was tbh - I was a bit dim), my therapist called him 'the crazy maker'. What an ephiphany that was. Hes doing it to you too. Dont let him.

I feel like he wants to punish me with silence

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who does this.

You are spiralling. But nothing bad is going to happen without him in your life.

Step away from messaging him, stop messaging in group chats to bait a response from him, and focus on yourself.

He’s the only person who has ever loved me. Who I’ve ever truly loved. I would give him anything. Why would he do this? I can’t take it anymore

OP you are worth more than this!

There will be someone out there who is proud to have you by his side & not looking the other way. If he valued you & what you've told him, he wouldn't hesitate to back off from this other person.

When someone shows you who they are, have the conviction to believe them. I say again, you are worth more than this.

@cosmickittycat - do you have access to professional help and/or eg The Samaritans or similar? It sounds like you had a very difficult start in life and you have to deal with bi-polar. This means that this guy has become more important to you than is ideal. It’s very hard when you have felt unloved and someone offers you love. It’s actually a bad sign when you say you would give him anything. It makes you very vulnerable. We should all have boundaries and things we wouldn’t do for someone else no matter how much we love them.

In any case, if you are cutting yourself to try to get his attention, then you need professional help to get back on track. You sound like a terrific person but very vulnerable and in need of help right now. Many of us have been there and in need of external support. Please reach out for professional support.

I have a psychiatrist but I only see him
every 3 months to review medication. I was seeing a mental health nurse but she’s changing jobs so idk. I’m on a wait list for therapy but it’s a long wait. I’m struggling to be consistent with my meds because of the side effects. And he knows all of this. Which hurts in a different way. I’m so exhausted now.

OP, I’m so sorry you are hurting so much. Please talk to a trusted friend/colleague/family member. Tell them you need some support while you go through the pain of this separation. He is not a good man. Someone who loved you wouldn’t dream of putting you through this emotional torture. Step away from him and start to heal.

Hello @cosmickittycat , please do as others have advised and talk to someone in real life that you trust - a manager/colleague/friend - someone who really does have your best interests at heart. I really don't think you should try to get this guy back - he doesn't care enough about you. It sounds like you will be much better off without him, even though you don't feel like that at the moment. You need some support right now but not from him. Can you get an appointment with your GP to get a therapist sooner than your 3-month psychiatrist wait? Or can you put through for an emergency appt with your regular psychiatrist? Also, please keep posting on here as there are some brilliant people who genuinely want to help and have great advice xx