I need some gentle advice for this situation with bf

[cosmickittycat]

Disclaimer: I posted this on Reddit but just got a lot of criticism and condescension and pretty much just called stupid.

I was abroad for a week in my (31F) bf’s (32M) home city for our 1 year anniversary. I met his family and some close friends for the first time while there.

Background: shortly after we got together, he told me about a woman (F early 30s) he used to work with who he was in love with, but it was unrequited (supposedly). But they stayed friends. She was supposed to come visit him that summer but changed her mind after he told her about me, and he said he felt “played” by this, like she was keeping him as a backup. And when I asked then if he was still in love with her, he didn’t say no. They apparently last spoke over text in October.

Now . She saw me and him together in a social media post his friend, who we saw while abroad, posted. She messaged him on Saturday and he said replying to her wasn’t a priority but then replied minutes later anyway. And apparently they were still messaging on Sunday — our 1 year anniversary — because he was showing me a different message and I saw their message thread. The last from him was “thank you” and a kiss emoji. He says it was in response to her saying she is happy for him that he’s with me.

I don’t know what to think about it. Am I being unreasonable for being upset that it happened at all, but on our anniversary of all days? And for still being upset now? I didn’t want to ruin the holiday but we’re heading back today and I can’t stop thinking about him and her.

She was supposed to come visit him that summer but changed her mind after he told her about me, and he said he felt “played” by this, like she was keeping him as a backup. And when I asked then if he was still in love with her, he didn’t say no.

What?

I'm sorry OP but you're his back-up.

It'll hurt to break up with him, but in time you'll get over him.

Far far better to go through the pain now than spend years with the guy knowing you're second best, knowing he'd rather be with her.

Do your future self a massive favour and stop accepting his crumbs. They're not enough.

You deserve more. You can have more. There is someone great out there that you'll be number one for. Don't settle for this.

If he would choose her, then he is wasting your time.

She checked in to see if dhe still has him on the hook.
Sounds like she might.

I understand that will devastate you, but him staying with you just because she is not available is worse.

He will leave you in the future.
You deserve to be someone's number ONE.

It doesn't sound like you are.
Face it.
Denial will cause you only pain.

Talk to him plainly.
Find out the truth.
Make a decision.

Don't waste your precious life being second best.
You deserve so much better.

Thank you everyone. This has been very helpful.

Please realise that it is much better to find out you're second choice now, rather than when you've invested even more into this guy.

That's understandable OP, but even worse than that, is being second best in a marriage.

Dating is for finding out if someone really is the right one. From this, it sounds like you'll forever be questioning their friendship.

I've been there with pretty much the same situation.

She loved the idea of being loved but being in control of my ex's feelings.

She would pick and drop him as she pleased and he always defended her as a good friend.

Broke up with him and met an amazing man.

Don't be scared to let go of something that doesn't serve you well.

I’m sorry OP but if she said the word, he’d be gone in an instant. Don’t be his back up plan. I worked with a guy who was always gagging on about “the one that got away”. It used to make me ill inside. His (now ex) wife had no idea that she was the second choice of a man still quietly pining for someone else. You’re not unaware. If it were me, I would move on.

If it's any consolation, I'd say there's zero chance she actually wants to be with him. Most likely she just wants the ego boost of knowing he'll jump whenever she throws him a bone.

You either need total reassurance from him now, or you need to walk away.

That horrible feeling you got when you saw he’d been messaging her - how much worse will that feel when you see him messaging her on your wedding day? Or when you’ve just had his baby? You’ll forever be on edge.

If you can’t trust him with your heart, don’t let him have it.

Surely she deserves better than a bloke who is only with her because the woman he actually wants doesn't want him?

Did he offer to show you the messages or did he tell you what they said?

You need to talk to him. It’s sounds as if you are back up. Does he want to be with you or her? It’s that simple. Ask him.

I saw the message from him with the emoji, he told me some of the others but not all.

Why haven't you talked to him OP? Its been three days right? And you are home. It greatly upset you (quite rightly so) and you aren't telling him that. You should be able to share if you are upset, and he should be moving heaven and earth to stop you feeling upset when he does hear about this.

I planned to the night we got back but his car broke down on the way home from the airport and he’s been very stressed trying to get it fixed so it didn’t feel like a good time. And I’m not seeing him again until Tuesday. We don’t live together. Idk if I should bring it up on the phone.

I would. I wouldnt be able to wait. It will eat you up, and also you are upset because of his behaviour and he needs to know that and be given a chance to resolve things.

If that's the case better you find out now, break up and move on.

I would have asked to see them. He can tell you anything…

You said you're afraid if he's pushed to answer that he may choose her instead of you - wouldn't you prefer to know now, than be in a relationship for another year and the same thing happen on your next anniversary. How do you know she 'just' got back in contact after seeing the FB post - how do you know he hasn't been communicating with her all along. I would not be happy with my partner being in contact with someone he was 'madly in love with' previously.

You need to have a very blunt conversation when you him next me or her and if it me block the other woman on his phone and you should see confirmation of that. If he refuses or makes excuses then you will know where you stand.

But you are living with ghe anxiety that he secretly is always, and will always, choose her without admitting it and while in a relationship with you. Just rip the bandaid off snd be direct about it. Otherwise you will live in a hideous, insecure, relationship because you have just stuck your head in the sand.

I'm not sure if, when the two of you first talked about the friend, your BF said he HAD BEEN in love with her, or that he was in love with her (at the time of your conversation. I don't think he should have started a relationship with you if in love with someone else, but in any case once the relationship got serious he should have been able to tell you, truthfully and confidently, that he was no longer in love with her. The fact that he has had repeated opportunities to clarify this and has not is a really bad sign.

I wouldn't read too much into HER behaviour especially since you don't know her and aren't interacting with her directly. She might have cancelled the trip because she didn't want to intrude on a new relationship, or just because the dynamic was different, not because she had changed her mind and was considering a romantic relationship with him. I think the fact that she cancelled is generally a GOOD sign - if she had discovered she indeed wanted to with him wouldn't she let him know, fight for him? I don't think the issue is that they might get together, but that he either has extreme romantic feelings for someone else OR can't/isn't willing to reassure you that he doesn't. SOMETHING is holding HIM back from fully pursuing a healthy relationship with you with full and honest communication included. The friend could disappear tomorrow and the issue still stands.

Slightly different situation, as we were actually together for a while, but an old uni friend of mine had a similar situation with his now wife (the wife was you, OP).

We had a good friendship even after breaking up, including hugs, and both genuinely really care for each other. His wife-to-be was always really uncomfortable about it, so despite there being no substance or interest from either of us to the other, we both backed off & I very rarely see him.

I respected her feelings enough to not make her question him, and he prioritised the relationship with his now wife enough to forfeit keeping a good friendship with me as active as it once was.

It's meant they can have a healthy marriage without her getting twitchy - and that is genuinely what I would wish most for him as a proper friend.

Don't know if that's relevant enough to help? But there have been a lot of comments saying it's obvious you're second fiddle.... I'm just giving a perspective that it's not as clear cut as that, but IF he's fully moved on & is all in with you now, his decisions & actions from now on will make that clear, even if the messages while away on your trip were a misstep.

So I brought it up over text and it has not gone well. We are still together, but things are really not good now. He can’t understand why it hurt me.

He can’t understand why it hurt me.

Of course he understands. He just doesn't want to change things because they're fine as they are for him. Just cut your losses. This will never, ever get better, and now you'll just tiptoe around it so you don't upset him.

This is absolutely not the kind of discussion to have by text. Unless you’re leaving voice notes for each other, there’s just no way to convey tone or nuance in a text. If he doesn’t understand why it hurt you, is that because he sees himself as all in with you? Or is it because he thinks you’re not that bothered about him?