I need some gentle advice for this situation with bf

[cosmickittycat]

Disclaimer: I posted this on Reddit but just got a lot of criticism and condescension and pretty much just called stupid.

I was abroad for a week in my (31F) bf’s (32M) home city for our 1 year anniversary. I met his family and some close friends for the first time while there.

Background: shortly after we got together, he told me about a woman (F early 30s) he used to work with who he was in love with, but it was unrequited (supposedly). But they stayed friends. She was supposed to come visit him that summer but changed her mind after he told her about me, and he said he felt “played” by this, like she was keeping him as a backup. And when I asked then if he was still in love with her, he didn’t say no. They apparently last spoke over text in October.

Now . She saw me and him together in a social media post his friend, who we saw while abroad, posted. She messaged him on Saturday and he said replying to her wasn’t a priority but then replied minutes later anyway. And apparently they were still messaging on Sunday — our 1 year anniversary — because he was showing me a different message and I saw their message thread. The last from him was “thank you” and a kiss emoji. He says it was in response to her saying she is happy for him that he’s with me.

I don’t know what to think about it. Am I being unreasonable for being upset that it happened at all, but on our anniversary of all days? And for still being upset now? I didn’t want to ruin the holiday but we’re heading back today and I can’t stop thinking about him and her.

Of course he knows why you are hurt.
He just can't acknowledge it, because that means he has to do something.
I think this matter is likely to come up time and again unfortunately.
Might be time for you to become 'the one that got away'.

Awwwwhhhh no I'm sorry OP but fwiw I don't think this signals the end of your relationship.

There could well be nothing in it whatsoever and that's why he is feeling defensive now. He likely doesn't even remember what he said to you about her last year.

I think you need an honest face to face chat where you ask him clearly if his feelings have changed and if she was interested would he still be?

I hope he will surprise you.

My very good male friend developed feelings for me just before he met his now wife. We had been spending a lot of time together and we really did have great chemistry. I had a question mark over my feelings for him too.

Anyway I turned him down and we didn't speak briefly. He met his now wife on a tinder date. We became friends again and I sometimes got a vibe she was wary of me. I didn't blame her, I probably would be in her shoes. Over time I became her friend.

I really and truly doubt my friend even remembers what he said to me! He has absolutely no interest in me now, we are friends still in a group but not moreso than other people and he is always kind to me (he's great) but does not have any particular interest in me at all.

Feelings pass. I hope you work things out. Believe him if he reassured you - you are the one!

Oh god. I think he hates me now. He won’t remove her from his life, even though he was yelling that he fucking hates her. He said I’m controlling for wanting that. And that I’m hurting him, and being disrespectful and insulting, and that our relationship must meant nothing to me and that I clearly don’t trust him. I should never have brought it up.

I'm sorry op, but he said he won't remove her from his life and that he hates her?! This doesn't even make sense!

He quite clearly loves her which is why he won't cut her out of his life and he hates her because he knows he doesn't stand a chance with her, he's just waiting for her to say she wants to be with him and he'll drop you like a brick.

He's angry with you because you're challenging him and he's twisting what you've said so that you're the bad guy now, and he's the victim.

My advice would be to tell him you want a break to evaluate your relationship. You deserve to be number 1, and unfortunately his number 1 is the other woman.

You deserve better, you deserve more, you deserve to be number 1.

This is DARVO. He’s carrying a light for her but he’s been caught out and he’s getting defensive. He also knows if you leave, she probably still won’t want him. So he’s going for all the key manipulative phrases.

You deserve better op.

I think he just broke up with me

Op, don’t bother with ultimatums; what is the point?
If you had his heart, there wouldn’t be any of this drama.

Interesting that he ‘felt played’ and that he thought she was saving him as a back up. Seems like that is what he’s doing to you.

Good
block him
I know it hurts now but it’s for the best
find someone who wants you and only you who isn’t pining for someone else

You were right to challenge him. You were right to try to talk to him about it. You were right to raise the issue.

He was wrong to start a relationship knowing he's in love with someone else. He was wrong to keep contact with the woman after he started the relationship with you. He was wrong to message her on your anniversary.

Seems to me he's playing games, and so is the woman. Did she suddenly find him more interesting now he has a girlfriend? Did he realise that he became more interesting to her now that he had a girlfriend?

Chances are if you have broken up, she'll not find him interesting anymore and he'll realise that she doesn't want him!

You're better off out of it, find someone who's besotted with you, someone who will place you as number 1.

You've been married for a year and you don't live together? This is all quite strange. But sounds like he's done you a favour by ending things, you should never be in a relationship where you're scared to discuss things with your husband.

Dear OP, I’ve read all the updates - I’m so sorry. You must be really hurting. From everything you were saying, it was clear that your chap had ongoing strong feelings for this woman, regardless of her response.

Please don’t try and get him back. You deserve better than to always be feeling like someone’s second choice or fallback.

You will meet someone who loves you so much - someone who feels lucky and grateful to be with you, and that will be warm and real and wonderful! Don’t settle for crumbs, lady. There is a big cake out there with your name on it. Have faith.

She calls him her boyfriend? Where did you get married?

Shady AF. I think he's done this on purpose so he's free for her to comfort him and you get to be the bad guy. Sorry OP.

I know it hurts now but you deserve so much better than someone who treats you like a second place prize

I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. It does sound like you were a place holder in his life, while he waited for his love to change her mind. I honestly think you’re best off out of it. You deserve so much better. I wouldn’t be happy with my husband chatting with some woman he loved on a regular basis. It’s as if he’s keeping communication open just in case she changes her mind.

I wonder how he'd feel if you were messaging a man you were in love with- I'd put that to him

Sorry OP this must be very painful.

But, honestly, let him go, don't try to fix this.

You deserve to feel secure and first choice for someone.

In a little while, you'll feel recover and you'll be happy. Far better to go through this pain now, than drag on for years with this guy. Future you will thank you for letting him go.

Don't waste your time. Dedicate it to someone who isn't already in love with somebody else.

This ^ x100.
Sorry.

@cosmickittycat I think you've dodged a bullet there to be honest. I know it won't feel like it at the moment. In my humble opinion your partner is supposed to make you feel like the most special person in the world, and he didn't. If he really doesn't understand this, then he has a lot to learn.

I said this. He then contacted her again, right after I had a baby, ‘even though it was innocent and not romantic’ and it genuinely wasn’t, I couldn’t leave, but I also couldn’t get forgive it.

I can say now it ruined our relationship. I wish I had ended it the very first time.

My advice would be to end the relationship now. Give it a break and see what he comes back with after some time apart.

otherwise she will haunt you for the rest of your relationship.

@cosmickittycat - sorry to hear that. Terribly hurtful for you. But it shows your instincts were right. If he loved you as he should, this would not have happened. Better to know sooner rather than later. Be gentle with yourself and pamper yourself for a bit. You will get over this but it will take time.

Forget about what she’s done/not done. What about him?

For example, openly ‘in love’ (obsessed) with someone he’d not dated. Continuing to be ‘friends’.

saying he felt ‘played’ when she cancelled her visit to a different country to see him, which he put down to him now being in a relationship. Disingenuous at best when he had he always regarded her as a sexual/romantic prospect.

Essentially admitting he still loved her.

Treating you like that when visiting his (their) country.

I had a boyfriend who did stuff like and behaved like this (posted about him on a ‘3 most toxic traits’ thread recently). Down to the kinds of behaviours you’re seeing when bringing these things up with him.

Like you there were early signs he was bad news: could have got out much sooner and saved myself some bad times/emotions!

Also, unless he’d decided to live permanently where you do, or before meeting him you already hoped to move permanently to his country, being from two countries would be tricky long term. Eg if have DC the parent from the other country would likely be stuck there for 18+ years, in the event of breaking up (with higher than 50% odds of that happening). Even without the well based concerns about him, that’s a biggie to sort out.

op my last relationship was clouded by his ‘friendship’ with another woman
I will never ever put up with this shit again

I was going to suggest, for your own self-respect, that you break up with him (but on v clear terms 'you need to either choose her or me - you can't have both and I refuse to be your back-up choice if this other woman doesn't work out').
You can still tell him you love him and want to be him now but you wont be a second choice, you're better than that, worth more than that.

I'm very sorry you're going through this; it actually calls into question everything - if the relationship is unequal (you love/adore him but he's not so sure) I don't think it's good basis for a long-term relationship, however much you want it to work it out.

Things happen for a reason.
If, in 2 months time he turns around and says 'I made a mistake, can we get back together' I think you should pause and not rush immediately into his arms ok? I'm not sure he's up to your standards in all honesty and maybe the break will open your eyes to the other side of him.

There are other people out there - I know it hurts now but better it happens now than if you were married/kids/house/life intertwined. Sorry.

I’m sorry op but bringing it up was the right thing to do. You were his backup and he’s so selfish and unkind to have just been making do with you, plus what a dick to have reacted like this - even when realising what a shit he is he’s just yelling rubbish and blaming you, this man is not self aware enough for a relationship.