Would your DH tracking another woman on night out (with her permission) bother you?

[Anon1234567891]

So there is a backstory to this. Previously I became increasingly bothered by my DH’s “friendship” with a female work colleague. I posted about it, that they occasionally went to the cinema together, then I found some flirty messages on his work phone, he refused to show me messages on his personal phone and when I eventually made him he got very angry. There wasn’t anything really inappropriate but I wasn’t happy about the amount and timing of the messages, and he led me to believe it was her instigating the cinema when it seemed to be more him. He never really apologised and didn’t seem bothered how upset I was, just more bothered that I’d accused him of something he hadn’t done. He said he’d stop going to the cinema and cut down on contact which he has done.

But I recently found out that while she was on a night out on her own, she hadn’t driven that far on her own before, that he was tracking her to make sure she got there and back ok. They were messaging throughout the day about her trip. Not sure if he offered the tracking or she asked him to. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to me even though I knew about her night out. I did find out that her parents were also checking in with her so they could have tracked her. He has since deleted the messages.

Is this just someone looking out for a friend or with the context of the other stuff and secretiveness is it that he’s still prioritising her feelings over mine?

Does he know that you are considering splitting up and taking legal advice? Have you had that discussion where you've said if he stays in touch with her, he's choosing her over you and you won't stay if that's what happens? At this stage he needs to know what the consequences will be or he will think it's ok as you may be unhappy about it but you're still with him.

I told him I wanted him to be open and honest if we were to move forward. He doesn’t yet know that I know. He got aggressive last time I confronted him so am scared to again. He was the one who said he’d take a step back but clearly isn’t.

get legal advice, know your rights and know your limits - please do this quickly, it will give you power when you know your options.

he's walking all over you :(

It’s just how he’s being so nice to my face saying how much he loves me but yet not enough to stop this contact with her. Then he’ll make out like I’m the bad guy.

Also after he told me he would cut down on contact this is definitely crossing another line isn’t it? And the way he’s been so deceptive about it and the tracking and dog just proves what else has he been hiding.

He is prioritising her over you. His actions are sending a clear message to her that she matters to him. He’s absolutely crossing line after line.

He doesn’t care that this has hurt you and you describe him as ‘aggressive’ this concerns me. He’s clearly not showing this woman his nasty aggressive side.

You need to take legal advice and you need to leave him.

His priority is her unfortunately. He is completely disrespecting you and doesn’t care. He can’t live without her but knows you will call time on the relationship if he doesn’t stop choosing her/putting her first so he clearly is happy to live without you in his life. Stop letting him make such a fool out of you. You can and must either move out or throw him out. It’s hard to hear but he doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t treat you like this. She is his priority please don’t let him drag you to the gutter with him. Can you move out temporarily to st least sort your head out ?

Yes, THIS.

Gathering as much info as you can will help you get some control back. No matter what you choose to do with it, you'll be able to see what options you have and make plans once you reach a decision.

Posters will be along with resource ideas, which topics you may want to post to, and lots of personal experience to share, information. It's terrible when long-term relationships are destroyed so easily due to one partner's selfishness and cheating of some sort.

You are not alone. Find out what your options are. Get support from people who have lived it.

Knowledge is power. 💐

There is little point talking to him about it. He knows how you feel and he doesn’t care. He would rather deceive you than have an honest conversation where he sees the impact this is having on you and your feelings.

Best course of action is to figure out what leaving looks like. Prepare for it. Then you sit him down and tell him that if this what his love looks like, you aren’t interested. You show him that his behaviour has consequences. You separate and take time for yourself without him. If he’s really truthful about this woman not being more important than you then he can put his money where his mouth is. And if he ends up with her then it was always going to happen and at least you walked away with your head held high.

OP, I think (quite understandably) you're seeking advice on how to resolve this without ending the relationship. And I don't know if this is possible. Giving him an ultimatum is only any use if you plan to go through with it. However there's no harm in suggesting you have a little time apart to think about things, this could really scare him - I'm never sure if its more effective if you go away for a few days, or send him away though.

Having been in a similar situation, I went away for a few days, but it just ended up with exDH spending those few days with the OW.

But speaking from experience, if you don't do anything, the situation will not improve.

If you leave or he leaves and he ends up with her then this was always going to happen. I know what it’s like to delay the inevitable / bury my head in the sand / kick the can down the road. You need to rip the band aid off

I'm going to say this in really the barest of terms for you because you are trying to justify it. I get that, because accepting it is devastating and you feel like you need to be 100% sure. I can tell from the signs he is having an affair with that woman. He is having sex with her I think. It is such a long affair that it has become domestic, in his head she is a second wife to him and he is living a double life. But his real life is her, not you. You won't be able to see all that in the few glimpses of messages you see. He had your son around while he helped her, he is integrating her into his "real" life. The tracking is genuine love and affection, maybe a little jealousy. He is pouring all the energy he should be giving to you into her. I would tell him this - I saw the tracking and that for me is the final straw and I want to separate. You knew what was at risk and you blew it. That's it, two strikes and you're out. He won't change and he'll resent you if you keep him away from this woman he is in love with. Tell him that, I think you love her and now it's time to free me. The only chance he will ever come back to you and really think about you is if you fully separate now. Probably though it's over and that will be better for you. Right now, you're married to a man who is staying with you out of convenience and fear and nothing else. Only stay if you want him as a convenience and nothing else too.

This man has zero respect for you and your marriage.

She is priority 1
He check in with her
Supports her
Is her emotional back up
He is her knight in shining armour

You are priority 2
You hold him back from the friendship
Stop him being her friend
Check up on him
Critical of his behaviour

He has checked out the marriage and you need to separate.

If he becomes abusive, report to the police

Look at limerence. This could be what is going on. This really isn’t appropriate husband behavior from him. He needs to stop contact. If he won’t then I’m not Saint LTB but you need to have a serious think about what you want to do.

It's not confusing. He is a liar and doesn't want to face the ramifications of divorce. He wants his comfy home life while getting his kicks from this woman on the side. Of course he's going to be nice to your face and carry on with this woman behind your back. It's what cheaters do.

And you know this. You know that you do. Even if this was just a normal friendship between them (it's not...I've seen your other posts, it's inappropriate)...he should still be respecting your feelings and prioritizing you. Keeping your marriage safe and trusting should be the most important thing to him, but he doesn't care.

And that right there is the most important thing. He doesn't care if you're upset. He doesn't care about the marriage, he doesn't care about you, or he wouldn't behave this way. Her upset feelings about a pet matter more to him than the constant worry and anxiety you feel. His wife. There is nothing that can justify that- even if she didn't have other people in her life who could support her (she does, so this is irrelevant - he has no excuse) - you should matter more.

I know this sucks, I've been there. But you need to reach the point where you say I deserve better than this, and leave. He isn't going to change, and you shouldn't have to beg him to. That's not what love is. If he really loved you he wouldn't behave in ways that threaten his marriage and breaks your trust. Period.

Why are you putting up with this? You have choices but you seem unwilling to end this abusive relationship.

Totally inappropriate, unreasonable and also very selfish of him .
I'm not normally a jealous person but i absolutely would not accept this.
If there is nothing going on i bet he/they wants there to be .
I would be sitting him down and making it crystal clear that he would not continue making a mug out of me and what is he going to do about it .
I am angry on your behalf, he needs to show you respect and make amends.

He’s clearly having an affair whether it’s emotional or led to physical so why are you still putting up with this?