Would your DH tracking another woman on night out (with her permission) bother you?

[Anon1234567891]

So there is a backstory to this. Previously I became increasingly bothered by my DH’s “friendship” with a female work colleague. I posted about it, that they occasionally went to the cinema together, then I found some flirty messages on his work phone, he refused to show me messages on his personal phone and when I eventually made him he got very angry. There wasn’t anything really inappropriate but I wasn’t happy about the amount and timing of the messages, and he led me to believe it was her instigating the cinema when it seemed to be more him. He never really apologised and didn’t seem bothered how upset I was, just more bothered that I’d accused him of something he hadn’t done. He said he’d stop going to the cinema and cut down on contact which he has done.

But I recently found out that while she was on a night out on her own, she hadn’t driven that far on her own before, that he was tracking her to make sure she got there and back ok. They were messaging throughout the day about her trip. Not sure if he offered the tracking or she asked him to. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to me even though I knew about her night out. I did find out that her parents were also checking in with her so they could have tracked her. He has since deleted the messages.

Is this just someone looking out for a friend or with the context of the other stuff and secretiveness is it that he’s still prioritising her feelings over mine?

Not on. He’s still conversing with her and involved in her life.

The only people I track is my dc when they do long drives. I’ve never tracked a friend. Why does she even need it, if it’s local? (And her parents are tracking her?). Is she a new driver?

What would bother me the most is he doesn’t seem at all bothered about how you feel. I wouldn’t be happy with what he was doing either but what would stick out was his complete lack of giving a shit about it.

I'm sorry OP but the line's already been crossed. You shouldn't have even had to ask him about all of this. He's abusing your trust and manipulating this modern pressure of being totally ok with opposite friendships for his own benefit.

As to going to the cinema repeatedly with another woman?? Ffs OP - they're going on dates together! I bet a lot of men would also recognise that he's absolutely taking the piss by doing that.

Op i remember you last post, and of course this tracking her is wrong you know this, why are you still with him, he knows he can do what ever he likes ,
You need to find your strength and leave him, why are you allowing this behaviour op, why?? 100% disrespectful, he doesn't care that you know all this stuff but yet can talk himself out of these situations and you just carry on till next time,

Yes - I also think I remember your previous posts . I think the messages / info you found - your H and his colleague went to the cinema ( at least once ) and they were discussing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers . Totally inappropriate for your H and his colleague .

The fact that he has now been tracking her , shows that he cares / has feelings for her . I have never tracked anyone other than DC ( under 18 ) on long journeys and usually whilst they are travelling on public transport and I am waiting to collect them .

At this stage you have 2 choices - 1. Accept that he has feelings - including sexual feelings for this colleague that he has possibly acted upon . Even if it isn’t yet a full flown affair , I think. He has made it clear that he wants to do something about it .
2 . if you are able to , and I couldn’t personally , turn a blind eye and don’t rock the boat . You are giving all the control to him and he could leave you anyway . You will erode your self esteem and be in emotional turmoil . You can try and ignore , but you can’t unknow what you already know .

If you go with 1. and decide , you want to end the relationship , look at the boards for advice on getting your ducks in a row .

Even if you decide to give him 1 last chance , I would still get legal advice and do so from an informed position. I would also seek counselling , both joint and individual .
Good Luck .

What is stopping you deciding that enough is enough?

I've read threads on here where women have posted about being close to men, meeting up, a kiss goodbye, not full blown but not letting on to their DH, and it being said its fine it's only an emotional affair so effectively it doesn't count.

If as said it's only emotional then by MN standards it's fine, and you agree with that take let them continue.

Reality is, IMO it's not acceptable and you need to sit and have a good think about whether you feel an emotional affair is something you can handle or not.

Many men and woman have a platonic friendship but these two have gone way beyond that, both are treating you like a fool and it will only continue stop until you decide to put a stop it, one way or the other.

I thought I recognised the post, what a load of bollocks. They're both disrespecting you. She's playing the damsel in distress. He's smitten with her and disregarding your feelings. I wouldn't tolerate that, I have before, felt sad about my relationship, it didn't end well. You deserve someone who puts you first, not someone who is distracted by someone else and thinking of her.

He knew her parents were tracking her but needed to track her too. That wasn't about her safety because he knew her parents would take care of that. It was about his fear for her safety, his need to know she was ok. That is very intense and not a normal way to feel about a colleague.

He must be telling her quite a yarn about you and your marriage for her to be going along with how their relationship has developed. The kind of yarn most unfaithful men tell to justify pursuing another woman and other women accept. It will be the old story that the marriage has been dead for years, or he can't leave right now because of his wife's health, the children, he'd miss the cat: any guff that he thinks will make him look innocent and the woman some kind of saviour, a shining light in his unhappy existence. And some women do foolishly accept that kind of guff. Sure, there are some women who are out and out predators but I think most who embark on affairs, emotional or physical, excuse it by colluding with the idea that the marriage is worthless and an affair is inevitable.

I understand your hesitancy but I think by staying with him you are prolonging your pain and the gaslighting will start to play havoc with your mental wellbeing.

Your DH lost me at not wanting you to see messages, and flirty ones at that. I am a man, happily married. I am have female friends, my best childhood friend is also a woman... If it meant a sense of safety for any of them, I'd happily accept to track them going somewhere. Here's the twist though: My wife would know, and if she wanted to, she could see any and all messages between me and others. I don't carry my phone in the safety of my pocket, if anyone messages me, or calls me, my wife can see, or pick up, etc...

Yeah, he is stepping over a line here...

Is she 12? Why does she need to have this many people tracking her. Anyway, not the point. Very sadly OP your gut reaction last time was ignored - don't do it again. Your husband is disrespecting you and you now have 3 people in your marriage. Your deserve so much better than this and however scary it seems you will get through it. I was gas lighted by my exh for 12 months before he finally said he was leaving me, and my life 5 years on is so much better than it ever was in marriage. He is not choosing you - so you should.

I remember your previous thread. Weren't they talking about cuddling or something at the cinema as well?

He sounds quite obsessed with her. Tracking a colleague is very obviously not normal. Despite everything that's been said he's still mooning over her, and doing things like this behind your back. He feels entitled to do this because he's convinced himself that because it isn't a full on affair, it's fine. The question is, how much more are you prepared to tolerate? If you're prepared to put up with him having an "other-woman-lite", your marriage has to go forward on the basis of another person being an important part of his life.

I think it’s the secretiveness which would upset me most. I can (at a stretch!) imagine dh being asked by a female friend/colleague to track them, to be on the safe side, if they were going on a journey/to see someone they were worried about for some reason, but I would fully expect to be in the loop - e.g. ‘X has asked me to track them on Tuesday, because they’re worried about the journey. What do you think?’ He’s really blurring the boundaries, while trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Classic.

You need to walk out the door OP , and I’d bet money he be with her within 6 weeks

He just does not care at all how you feel about his behaviour.

That is plenty reason enough to either leave or kick him out, and divorce him.

I'm not sure what you are waiting for? He is treating you badly and doesn't care that you are unhappy.

I'd LTB, pronto.

I remember your last thread, just LTB

God just LTB if you can afford to, fgs. You're worth so much more than this loser. x
I can't believe what i read on MN. So many inadequate lying shitty men, put up with by women who think it's all they deserve, or who don't understand what caring and good look like. Which is fcking sad.

He cares about her more than you. I'm sorry, but sometimes it helps to call a spade a spade. He knows this upsets you. He took a reasonable step back and then doubled down.

Totally normal - I mean we all do it right?

Jeezo, no way I’d put up with that. No fucking way. He’s utterly disrespectful never mind probably cheating. Seriously you need to ditch this unpleasant man. Raise your standards, surely you are worth more than how he treats you op (you are!)

Has dh ever tracked to check your safety on a night out op?

Yes, this would bother me. I think it’s inappropriate. He has no respect for you, or your marriage.

Without the backstory of the knickers in the cinema (which is a massive red flag), the tracking thing is just a bit pathetic damsel in distress, which she seems to be doing for attention and he is lapping it up.

I mean, unless she is 19 and just got her license and has never driven at night before, it’s really all a bit pathetic. If you can’t drive yourself on a night out without your male work colleague tracking your location, you really should just stick close to home or use public transport. I’m a big grown up woman and while Dh and I track each other for convenience (so we know what time the other will be home or who is closest to the shop for milk), I’d never ask him to track my driving because I am too scared to drive. I sure as hell wouldn’t ask my work colleague to do it. I’m a big girl. I’d sort myself out.

But I did have an ex who had a work colleague like this, funny enough. She was always getting lost and he’d have to go rescue her. Or once she got so drunk on a night out she didn’t remember where she lived and he had to go ‘save’ her and get her home. She was always concocting these sorts of emergencies and he fed right into it.

We did eventually break up a couple months after she appeared on the scene. I was fed up with all of it. I moved out. Funny enough, she moved in 2 weeks later (apparently, because she was such an alcoholic that she lost her job that provided her accommodation 🙄 but anyway!). They were together maybe 4 months before he got fed up with the drama and kicked her out. But the damsel in distress routine was definitely not coincidental. I think you know this isn’t normal. And no, Dh does not track anyone’s location except mine and our teen dd.

I do believe that she is a nervous driver that doesn’t really go out of our town on her own. It was an achievement that she drove to another town a few miles away the other day that she had to message him about and he was full of praise for and for this.

She has a husband but they split again earlier this year but are still living together but even so I would of thought he would still have took an interest as they went on a family outing recently so must still get on ok.

Why is it my H’s responsibility, he definitely seems invested in her wellbeing as he was telling her to be careful.

It’s not your husband’s responsibility at all op
she has parents and I’m sure other friends or family who could do this .
They are both totally taking the piss.