Would your DH tracking another woman on night out (with her permission) bother you?

[Anon1234567891]

So there is a backstory to this. Previously I became increasingly bothered by my DH’s “friendship” with a female work colleague. I posted about it, that they occasionally went to the cinema together, then I found some flirty messages on his work phone, he refused to show me messages on his personal phone and when I eventually made him he got very angry. There wasn’t anything really inappropriate but I wasn’t happy about the amount and timing of the messages, and he led me to believe it was her instigating the cinema when it seemed to be more him. He never really apologised and didn’t seem bothered how upset I was, just more bothered that I’d accused him of something he hadn’t done. He said he’d stop going to the cinema and cut down on contact which he has done.

But I recently found out that while she was on a night out on her own, she hadn’t driven that far on her own before, that he was tracking her to make sure she got there and back ok. They were messaging throughout the day about her trip. Not sure if he offered the tracking or she asked him to. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to me even though I knew about her night out. I did find out that her parents were also checking in with her so they could have tracked her. He has since deleted the messages.

Is this just someone looking out for a friend or with the context of the other stuff and secretiveness is it that he’s still prioritising her feelings over mine?

If it was a woman to woman friendship no one would be questioning it, but it's not, so I suspect that the conclusion for most is no, it's not normal as it's man woman friendship.

How did you find our he's going to go with her?

LBT

The contact is so much on just in secret and he obviously deletes everything. This is just a confirmation on your part that nothing has changed if anything things have progressed

She sounds fucking useless, or she's putting on a "damsel in distress" act and your H is loving it, I'm afraid. Guessing you are a more capable type and he doesn't show you this type of care and support? Is it realistic for you to leave him?

To be fair to her she didn’t ask, he offered so she wouldn’t be alone, which I have seen from previous messages is definitely a pattern. As pp have said he seems to want to be her knight to rescue her. Her husband is going with her, they are separated but still living together while she finds somewhere. You would think that she would see this is weird behaviour from someone who is married. I suppose if he did go he wouldn’t have told me either.

also it was his dads funeral the other week, complicated circumstances, she messaged on the morning to say she was thinking of us all and he messaged back saying how he thought it would be tougher than he thought. I was being the dutiful wife and supporting him, then almost as soon as we got home he messaged her to say it was harder than he thought it would be.

I remember your thread and between the knickers and the cinema trip, adding in the deleted work messages, you knew then that none of it was right.
You have chosen to stay with him and he absolutely knows now he can get away with this appalling behaviour.
If she sent a message before the funeral as a friend, fair enough but him replying in such an emotional, intimate day is wrong.
He is treating you like shit, and you are now allowing it. He explains all of it away but it is awful considering what he’s already put you through.
If you stay with him, expect more of the same.
The key component of marriage is respect, and he has none for you.

It’s so confusing, to my face he’s being all nice, making an effort since the big blow up, if I hadn’t seen the messages I wouldn’t have a clue this was going on.

OP he can’t be trusted.
He has no reason to change because he knows he can talk you round.
The question is why stay? I’d this what you want in life to be with a man who is clearly obsessed with this woman?

This is normal friendly behaviour - for close friends. Which I would expect to be a friend of you both, as a couple, but it's not.

He's over invested in her at best. This is how affairs start.

On a previous threads they have been to the cinema together, they were discussing what knickers she would be wearing, and there was a group of messages sent at work between them all deleted.
OP was so upset, he was walking all over her feelings. He’s still doing it.
OP bears no blame here and I can understand why she stayed - it is very hard to leave with children.
Bur this man knows he’s hurt her and he knows he can keep doing it. All of his reasons are bullshit.

I remember your previous thread too. He wormed his way out that time and now he’s continuing, even though he knows how it made you feel last time.
If you keep putting up with it, he’s going to keep doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would be seriously concerned that once she has sorted her place to stay he will be round there ‘helping her move in’. Can you really put up with this? Watching him destroy your love for him and your self esteem? If he’s going to be a prick and start a relationship with her I wouldn’t want to be around watching.

And if that isn’t his intention then a separation can make him seriously consider his future and how he has treated you. I know you don’t want to split your family up but he’s not giving you much to hold on to with his deceitful constant contact with her.

@OchreRaven he helped her move house last time they split up, although our son helped as well so they weren’t alone.

This is what I mean about him having a habit of offering to help her out, moving, tracking, the dog, revising for a test.

There was a thread on here the Christmas before last it was one of the most engaged threads I’ve ever seen.
Lady who’d been married for 35 years and her husband left her for someone who had slowly inserted herself into the family. At one point she’d even babysat their eldest daughter.
I would never have a man in like this even involving his son in moving house while the wife was out in the cold.
It is hiding in plain sight and the fact that it’s sold as ‘friendship’ is sickening to me.

I don't normally advocate the LTB stance, or opposite sex people can be friends but based on this, and your previous thread I'd seriously be letting my husband know that this isn’t how I'd be behaving if it were myself and a male colleague.
Both of them are not only pushing but crossing boundaries.

This OW must know that her behaviour with another man's wife is crossing the line, equally your DH knows how you feel yet they both continue.

I'd also be honest with myself and realise that after she's moved into her own place the DH will possibly be spending much more time there than I'd like him to, and based on that I'd have the conversation where he knows how much it was upsetting me but he still continues to treat me with such disrespect and I've now decided to make the decision for him, that I'd be seeking legal advice and putting in for a divorce.
His reaction would tell me all I needed to know.

That's just my take but if you're happy to continue as you are then do so, as I don't see the friendship just fizzling out.

"There wasn’t anything really inappropriate"

Really? The not-wearing knickers, the "bed" in the cinema, and all the other questionable comments between the two of them? At the time of the other thread you knew they were being inappropriate. What they said hasn't changed, but it seems he's bullied you into accepting it.

Oh honey please; just NO....

I hoped you'd be out of the relationship by now. He's awful to you, and now has ratcheted it up even more! Whatever this is, it's still going on between them. In fact, they sound even more attached. Please don't let him keep treating you this way. 😕

You deserve so much better, and you once knew that. Somewhere deep inside I think you still do.🌹

Years ago, a friend sent me this: "The love we accept is what we think we deserve."

You accept it because he's constantly hacking away at your confidence and self-esteem. He knows it, and it's deliberate. He's determined to convince you that you're the problem. You have to know you're not- every bit of it is on him! He knows what he's doing is making you miserable, and he truly doesn't care.

I hope you love yourself more and break free of him and his horrible behavior very, very soon. I sincerely hope you do. Best wishes!💐

Kick him to the kerb.

The other day he told me that he’d taken a step back from her, so didn’t think he should ask about the dog as she would be upset. He’s just lying isn’t he, if this is a step back then I’d hate to know what wasn’t a step back but I think I already know!

He's telling you as much as he wants you to know... what he thinks you want to hear, to keep you on side...no more, no less.

Now I’ve found out he’s bought her a birthday present, nothing romantic I don’t think but still. Also bought me flowers at the same time and was acting all affectionate to me. This after he told me he’d took a step back. Don’t even really feel angry just numb at the cheek of it and the lying.

So what are you going to do next?

OP this has been going on way too long
he keeps pulling this shit as he knows you are willing to let him get away with it

Tjis is a massive red flag and in my eyes emotional infidelity. Friends are one thing but the amount of contact and neediness is not right. Does he have the same amount of contact with his male friends or with you for that matter? I would just bin him to be fair

I’m in a difficult financial position, I don’t think I could stand to live in the same house while going through a divorce as I’m sure he would be vile.
Does anyone know if you can rent and claim UC while on a mortgage? And would I have to pay half the mortgage? Guess I need legal advice.