Would your DH tracking another woman on night out (with her permission) bother you?

[Anon1234567891]

So there is a backstory to this. Previously I became increasingly bothered by my DH’s “friendship” with a female work colleague. I posted about it, that they occasionally went to the cinema together, then I found some flirty messages on his work phone, he refused to show me messages on his personal phone and when I eventually made him he got very angry. There wasn’t anything really inappropriate but I wasn’t happy about the amount and timing of the messages, and he led me to believe it was her instigating the cinema when it seemed to be more him. He never really apologised and didn’t seem bothered how upset I was, just more bothered that I’d accused him of something he hadn’t done. He said he’d stop going to the cinema and cut down on contact which he has done.

But I recently found out that while she was on a night out on her own, she hadn’t driven that far on her own before, that he was tracking her to make sure she got there and back ok. They were messaging throughout the day about her trip. Not sure if he offered the tracking or she asked him to. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to me even though I knew about her night out. I did find out that her parents were also checking in with her so they could have tracked her. He has since deleted the messages.

Is this just someone looking out for a friend or with the context of the other stuff and secretiveness is it that he’s still prioritising her feelings over mine?

No. Absolutely not.

I remember the other thread too, and the advice on there was spot on. It's not cool, it's making you feel bad, he needs to sort his shit out.

It very relevant. He’s hiding things from her, she’s searching through his phone for evidence. The relationship is doomed!

A man tracking any woman would bother me it's absolutely weird and somewhat stalker behavior

It isn't your DH responsibility.

What would your DH have done had she panicked and couldn't drive home?

Would you have offered to drive him to her so he could bring her and her car back?

I remember your previous thread.

DH has a huge crush on this woman. I would have dumped him.

Op, how long are you prepared to put up with this nonsense ?
He obviously cares for this woman more than he cares for you because at every turn he has ignored your concerns
He doesn’t have any respect for you
Honestly, some of the crappy behaviour people put up with seriously baffles me .
How bloody depressing
I couldn’t put up with a fraction of what some women on MN put up with

Sorry this is continuing OP 🌺I remember the cinema posts.

He’s taking a paternal interest at best; a partner’s at worst.

Have you talked about this? He’s playing a very dangerous game. Can you ask him to leave until he’s sorted his inappropriate boundaries out and during which time you’ll be doing some thinking and taking advice of your own.

No need to be emotional or upset when you say it. Just take back your own power and send an unequivocal message you won’t be fucked with.

Thinking of you.

Imagine he was the innocent party in this and some other bloke was tracking you

Tracking any adult, male or female, would bother me because there is never a justifiable reason to track someone.

I know in some ways I’m no better than him by checking his phone but after everything that was said I wanted to see if he was telling me the truth and clearly he isn’t. Now there’s this doubt I’m always going to wonder what’s going on.

Of course you are better than him! He is going behind your back and forming a (possibly sexual) relationship with this woman. He did it before and he promised that it was over and now he is doing it again. He has done nothing to gain your trust and you have every reason not to trust him. He is a proven liar and, at the very least, he had a previous emotional affair with this woman.

You have a decision to make about whether you want to remain in this marriage and put up with this behaviour, as he seems incapable of being a kind and faithful husband.

Now there’s this doubt I’m always going to wonder what’s going on.

Doubt?
That isn't the word you're looking for, you've seen plenty of actual proof that your DH has been seeing this woman and they'll probably continue to do so, whether that's as friends or in an affair.

I don't think the tracking/checking if completed journey for a nervous friend is a big deal but the prior context makes it disrespectful to continue this level of contact with her. It shows he cares more about her feelings than yours when he's continuing to be secretive and lie rather than attempting to rebuild lost trust in the relationship.

Of course its unusual to be asked to or to offer to track a friend driving.

Presumably if they broke down or got lost they would be able to make a phone call. Tracking in and of itself isn't much use (and isn't always reliable).

It looks like a way to keep them connected even whilst she was elsewhere.

This! What use is tracking someone? She has a phone she can call for help if needed. It’s just a manipulative way to play damsel in distress and keep in touch with your DH.

If she wants someone to track her that badly she can ask her parents or an actual friend.

She is trying to have an affair with your DH. Obviously!

None of this is remotely normal OP. She is not his wife - you are!

Time for some tough talks I think. He should be doing everything to win your trust back and cease engagement with this woman.

Now he’s offered to go with her to the vets as her dog might have to be put down. I know this is hardly peak affair behaviour but does it go beyond normal friend behaviour? It just seems yet again an example of the care he has for her and making sure she is ok. He mentioned about the dog and her being upset but not going with her.

Doesn’t she have a partner / husband? This can be normal friend behaviour but VERY close friends. He is clearly her ‘person’ that she feels safe and can rely on and he loves it. Whilst it is possible to have a friendship like that it still means they are incredibly close.

He knows that this closeness with her is damaging his relationship with you and making you unhappy but he is still prioritising it. It makes him feel wanted and needed and he is willing to destroy his marriage to feel that way.

I think it will get to a point where she means so much, because he’s let it build up for so long, that it won’t be a question of whether you want to be with him anymore. The tables will turn and he will make it your fault as to why he is ‘not happy’.

Then once he has left you they will miraculously start a relationship and call you crazy for thinking it started while you were still together. This is a very realistic possibility.

Ironically I think the only way to stop that happening is to have consequences for an emotional affair early on. He needs to know without a doubt it’s you or her. He doesn’t get time to build a connection that is strong enough to monkey branch while you are an anxious mess! But it could be too late now. Either way, if you make him leave he will either go running to her (in which case you are just hurrying up the timeline) or he will take you seriously and stop.

Nope
sorry
its an awful situation but no way does she not have a parent / sibling / other friend to go with . I’m guessing the dog was her husbands too so surely he’d wanna go
she knows exactly what she’s doing here
no Way would I be acting like this with a married colleague for fucks sake

At this stage you have 2 choices - 1. Accept that he has feelings - including sexual feelings for this colleague that he has possibly acted upon . Even if it isn’t yet a full flown affair , I think. He has made it clear that he wants to do something about it .
2 . if you are able to , and I couldn’t personally , turn a blind eye and don’t rock the boat . You are giving all the control to him and he could leave you anyway . You will erode your self esteem and be in emotional turmoil . You can try and ignore , but you can’t unknow what you already know .

Having been in a similar-ish situation, I chose option 2, because I was scared to rock the boat and force a decision, which may have meant him choosing her.

But then DH took her on holiday, which rather brought things to a head. I often wondered what would have happened if I had been brave enough to tackle things. To be honest though, I think the final outcome would have been the same, just a few months earlier.

She must have other friends and family to go with her to the vets. Your husband is having an emotional affair in plain sight and you need to give him an ultimatum that it stops or he leaves.

Putting up with this is ruining your self-esteem. He doesn't care that his behaviour upsets you but he is a source of endless support to his co-worker. Marriage isn't supposed to be like this. His loyalties lie elsewhere and not with you.

I agree it’s seems unlikely that she doesn’t have a closer friend/relative that could help her. He wants to be her white knight, comforting her in her hour of need.

You are not important to your husband. His only thoughts are for the other woman. Get everything in order then leave. He won't be bothered because he does not care. You deserve better.

Shes got him wrapped around her finger, and he loves being the saviour. With these sort of people, there’s always another ‘emergency’ that needs sorting, and they’ve very good at being ‘the damsel in distress’., and you become the baddy for not wanting to help out.

Sorry OP but you are no longer the primary woman in his life, she is. Your marriage is already over.