My husband will leave me if I take off the hijab.

[Lotusflowerbombx]

I’ve been married and a revert/covert to Islam for 6 years now for, yes I did it for my husband but I was so blindly in love at the time theres not much I wouldn’t of done. 6 years on and 2 DC I’m questioning everything!! I always have tbh, I’ve spoke many times with my husband about the hijab and how I don’t want to wear it but he said he’ll leave me if I don’t. He’s very much practicing and prays 5x a day at the mosque and he believes I do too but half the time I’m not actually.. I do feel bad about it though that’s why I think do I believe in this religion? When I’m having a bad anxiety day I pray and it makes me feel better but soon as that days done I’m back to pretending :( I had a conversation with my husband the other day about if our daughter didn’t want to wear hijab when she’s older what would he do and his answer was he would wash his hands of her and I just catch fathom how a parent could be so cold.. I hate wearing the hijab I don’t feel free and if my daughter was in my position I would say get rid but I’m just so scared I’ll regret it, is losing love worth it to show my hair? In all other areas he’s great, he’s the best dad and always helping with house work.. if I could dress how I want I would never think about leaving him :( anyone been in a similar situation? I struggle to find anything relatable online

The Quran says there should be no compulsion in religion. It’s there amongst all the ‘kill the apostates’ and ‘obey your husband’ stuff but it is there. I don’t think it’s aimed at women as the assumption when it was written was that women just comply. But it is there.

You converted for a man not for the faith. It is an extremely controlling religion and that suits many people who like to have clear rules. They really don’t like it when people leave or question things so you’re not going to be able to negotiate a compromise with your very devout husband. Up to you really. A quiet, secure but unhappy life where you follow the rules you don’t wholly subscribe to or a massive upheaval. Lucky you to even have that choice.

He says that he will leave you if you take off the hijab, but perhaps this is him trying to control the narrative by making sure you don’t.

It is tough for you to wear the hijab when you don’t want to- and will be very tough for you to watch your daughter go through the same.

Does he equate not wearing the hijab with not following the faith?

It’s a shame you aren’t legally married- as this would entitle you to financial rights over your joint finances.

It depends what you want, in the end

Freedom for yourself and your children

Or

The money your partner (not husband) provides

Your choice

As you're not married you have fewer rights and security under the law, should the relationship end

He will not change. This is now your life for ever unless you walk away

This. I do hope you find a way.

There are no dogs involved and OP already has two DC. One is a girl, I believe

Sounds like you need to choose your hard. Because staying with a man whose values are so different to yours is going to be hard, but then so is leaving and trying to go it alone. From what you've said I don't think there's going to be any negotiating with him as he sounds quite fixed in his ways so you need to weigh up the decision. Also consider your daughter in all of this: what's it going to be like for her if you stay and she decides to reject Islam as a young teenager and you don't have the resources to independently support her?

What about your family, do you have anyone you can turn to that isn't related to your husband?

What kind of work does he do that allows him to visit the mosque 5 times a day?
I have muslim colleagues who just pray at work.

He's not a good dad, or he is but only if your DD does as he says. Love with conditions is not real love. He's being very controlling and you need to leave him. You've tried the religion and it didn't work. Are you scared that he'll hurt you if you leave?

I have Muslim women colleagues who don't wear hijabs and go clubbing in miniskirts!

This this this this. It is not love OP he should not have this control over you. He is stunting your freedom and the freedom of your child.

What a ridiculous thing to say especially since the OP said it was him that would leave her if she refused the hijab. See through your own bias before accusing others.

As the poster above said, the Quran says there should be no compulsion in religion. He’s not being a good Muslim by compelling you to wear hijab, and on some level he will know this.

My guess is that the main reason he’s threatening to leave you, is shame. He doesn’t want others in the community to see him as the husband of a non practising wife.

Stand up for yourself and call his bluff. No doubt he’s afraid of losing you too.

The trouble with religion (all religions) is that people are left thinking that certain things are right and wrong, and that other people are good or bad based on whether not they follow certain rules. Then they can justify their own treatment of others because “they’re not doing what god wants”.

I know you said he’s “your safe place” but he’s not really if you can’t be who you want to be and still feel loved and safe.

However, I realise just leaving is a huge thing. Is the Imam at your mosque very conservative or would he be likely to support you? I know many who would definitely argue that you shouldn’t have to wear it if you don’t want to and that it’s a personal choice and not your husband’s choice. I know many that would counsel you through this as a couple and tell your husband that leaving you for this would be wrong. But unfortunately like virtually religions, there some conservative branches where women are expected to just obey their husbands and you might have less luck trying to find a way through this while staying together.

Think about how your own DD’s may feel in the future. And with a father who may disown them? He’s not a loving father, he’s controlling.

He is not your safe space when you are not allowed to make an informed decision for you or your daughter and it's his way or the highway.

I would recommend calling Women's Aid, they have a wealth of resources and information, and must have seen this time and time again.

You can self refer to counselling via the NHS site, I think you need this - just for you. Then you'll become clearer on what you want for you and your daughter in the future.

You cannot live a lie for fear of upsetting your husband.

You might not have much money during a transition if you leave, but you'll have freedom of choice and support to work, childcare, counselling etc.

Good luck.

are your family able to help you?
If you are in Wales this organisation are really helpful for women from ethnic minorities suffering DA. https://bawso.org.uk/en/
Otherwise as another pp said Karma Nirvana https://karmanirvana.org.uk/

This.

Hope you’re able to break free of this oppression for both you and your daughter!!

It makes me so sad to see women dressed like this. I abhor religion generally. It’s control over the masses for the benefit of a small number of men.

Good fathers will never cut off their child because they can't control them.

Good husbands don't threaten to divorce their wives if they can't control them.

If your life is only peacful when you and your daughter stay meekly under his boot, if he only loves either of you when you do exactly as he says, then you do not have a family.

You have a sham. Abusive control masquerading as religious sanctity.

Up to you if the money and 'love' are worth selling your own daughters freedom for.

Plus, I get wearing hijab in a hot sandy country but UK is not one. There is no need to wear a hijab in the UK.

Agree. Hope you can find the strength to gain back freedom op.

Marry him legally before doing anything else assuming you would be better off financially. You’re currently very vulnerable.

Secondly. Are you safe to make a free choice? If not make a considered exit plan. You don’t have to act on it straight away. You are just making a safe, way to exit if you need to. Usually this means a bank account wit savings, passport, kids birth certificates, copies of bank statements, a few precious items - and storing them safely out of the house. Again, you never have to use it. But having it enables you to make free choices.

How come men aren't affected by heat and sand?

What? NO! The very last thing on earth she needs to do is 'marry him legally'. She needs to leave him!

Leave him, do it for your daughter if nothing else.