My husband will leave me if I take off the hijab.

[Lotusflowerbombx]

I’ve been married and a revert/covert to Islam for 6 years now for, yes I did it for my husband but I was so blindly in love at the time theres not much I wouldn’t of done. 6 years on and 2 DC I’m questioning everything!! I always have tbh, I’ve spoke many times with my husband about the hijab and how I don’t want to wear it but he said he’ll leave me if I don’t. He’s very much practicing and prays 5x a day at the mosque and he believes I do too but half the time I’m not actually.. I do feel bad about it though that’s why I think do I believe in this religion? When I’m having a bad anxiety day I pray and it makes me feel better but soon as that days done I’m back to pretending :( I had a conversation with my husband the other day about if our daughter didn’t want to wear hijab when she’s older what would he do and his answer was he would wash his hands of her and I just catch fathom how a parent could be so cold.. I hate wearing the hijab I don’t feel free and if my daughter was in my position I would say get rid but I’m just so scared I’ll regret it, is losing love worth it to show my hair? In all other areas he’s great, he’s the best dad and always helping with house work.. if I could dress how I want I would never think about leaving him :( anyone been in a similar situation? I struggle to find anything relatable online

So ignorant.

You do not need to wear the hijab to be a Muslim. Even queen Rania of Jordan doesn't. That said, being scared of consequences is not a good basis for following a religion and certainly doesn't mean you believe in it or have to.

If a man could leave his wife and desert his daughter over something so trivial, he is not the great father you're describing. Do you really want your daughter to grow up around this level of control?

It seems from the replies you aren't ready to leave, so I'd recommend building your support network.

OP, please do not direct message Khads. Any advice she has to offer can be said in the public forum on the post you created for this very reason.

Given she said Please don't be swayed by all the "leave him" "It's best for your daughter" nonsense it is quite clear she is going to be privately telling you that you need to stay with your husband and allow him to continue to control you (and eventually control your daughter), and using the religion you have CLEARLY stated you feel no affinity with as the reason for this.

This is very dangerous. Please remain within the forum post where everyone else is offering you (varied) advice, publicly, and not attempting to manipulate you in private

She’s here to ask those of no faith/ different faiths for a perspective not clouded by your faith which is indoctrination at best (and I have witnessed this in multiple guises firsthand).
Your immediate response is to try to create a bond ‘fellow revert’, ‘sister’ and then dismiss all advice and suggestions received thus far as irrelevant.
By these acts you are clearly demonstrating a complete inability to advise and support without attempting to exert your own measure of coercion and control and have illustrated unequivocally why she is asking those of us who post on here and not persons such as yourself.

And yet the term ‘honour killings’ exists.

Ive travelled alone to many Islamic countries (Syria, Iran, Egypt etc) where I wore hijab around he streets to escape harassment. It made me feel safe and allowed me to blend in. But I wore it by choice and was able to remove it at will.

You say he is your safe space. But a safe space can also be a prison if you are afraid to move out of it.

I have to ask if there is any mutual respect in your ‘marriage’? If my husband said he’d leave me over a hijab (let alone anything else along those lines) then it would tell me he has no respect for me as an individual.

Goodness. WHY didn't you have a conversation with him before you had children, about a daughter wearing the hijab? By getting involved with a man from this religion, you've trapped yourself and your daughter. He is absolute scum. Get out now, and get your daughter away from him. He is dangerous.

Also, google/find the movie Not without my Daughter! with Sally Field and watch it and take note. Don't EVER allow him to take your daughter out of the country. Especially to a Muslim country. Ever. No matter what you do. You won't see her again.

My ex (father of 2 x DC, 1 DS, 1DD) is a muslim. It wasn’t easy but I made it clear from the start that I was not going to convert. He chased me and I was clear for so long I didn’t want to date someone with different belief to me. It was difficult from day 1 as his family threw him out when he told them (I had an older dc) but I actually grew to have a good relationship with his family and have stayed in touch years after our split. The biggest difficulties were different upbringings, things like he felt I spoiled them, because I bought lots of gifts at Christmas. He had to admit i’ve done a great job raising them, both adults now and he has worked overseas for years after the split, and everyone compliments me on what great humans they are. But fundamentally, we always agreed on basic parenting and stayed friends. He was my friend first, and we should have stayed friends. We came from 2 different worlds and I felt at times judged, even though his family were nice in the end, there are still small things that annoy me, for example DS’s Uncle won’t let his young kids meet DS’s GF as they are raising them that you get married and not live in sin. Annoys me as my son has done a lot for his kids and he is a brilliant young man. He is hurt by it.

I definitely experienced some racial abuse over the years from his family, though I always let it go as I felt it came from ignorance and they were always very nice to me. I like to think I taught his mother especially not to judge a book by its cover. Given I wasn’t allowed to visit for years (one day that suddenly changed) she once said I was like a daughter to her, and i’m still the only DIL she’s never fell out with.

Ex doesn’t agree with hijab, his nieces all wear one and he did not like they did as young kids, so thankfully that was never an issue. He never commented on kids clothes, apart from asking our DD to not wear anything her uncle may feel uncomfortable with. I had to hide my tattoo for years. If someone told me they’d leave me for not wearing a hijab, i’d he out that door before he finished saying it. His comments about his own DD, well that would be it for me. Thankfully my ex was never massively religious, even though his family are. That would have been a big line for me as i’m very independent. Have a good think about what you want in life, you don’t sound happy.

I’m just constantly defending it and it’s draining

There is a reason for that and you know it. Constantly defending the indefensible and that your mind and your heart knows is indefensible, is draining.

He is NOT your safe space! He is your abuser! And you have Stockholm Syndrome. He does not love you. He sees you and your daughter as possessions by way of the fact you are female. I have seen it so many times with western women getting fooled and then trapped by these men, sadly, their religion is simply not compatible at all with the western world or with the rights of women and girls.

You have Stockholm Syndrome to someone who doesn't see you as worth anything below his shoe leather. Even if not for you, put your daughter first and gather the strength to leave. Do it for HER. If not for yourself. Go back to your parents. Siblings. Anywhere. Just flee. If he speaks like that, he is capable of anything including 'honour killing'. I am really serious, this isn't a joke. Please do it for your daughter, if not yourself.

Two to three women die each week in UK.Honour killings happen in UK.

Put in his suitcase when you've packed it.

Have a chat with someone from Karma Nirvana and remember your DH is your husband not your boss.
if he is so attached to the idea of a hijab, he can wear one in the hot weather.
This is always your body your choice.

Your daughter won’t love him more than she feels controlled by him when she starts wanting freedon to express herself.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry that you're going through this but glad to see you came here for advice.

It seems to me, by your posts, that you know that the only answer is to leave. Your views on life, and faith, are not compatible. You are in the UK with certain freedoms. Do not censor yourself out of some false sense of loyalty or safety.

Anyone who says that they will leave you over your refusal to dress in a certain way, or because you don't want your daughter to dress in a certain way and because you are not a true believer and afraid to say so, is not someone you should be married to. You are there under false pretences. You say it's love but it is not love for this person. If it were, you'd be able to trust them and talk to them. You wouldn't have to hide how you feel or be threatened with being left.

Countless times, I have been told by Muslims that the hijab is "optional" and that women "want" to wear it and, countless times, I see that this is not the truth at all. This exact thing happened with three of my aunts who married into Islam. The difference is, their husbands were very honest about the fact that expectations weren't optional and that they disagreed with the religion. This is why they fled it during the 1979 Iranian regime change, in two instances, and similar reasons from a different country, in the other instance.

According to my aunts, uncles, countless other people I have spoken to and a book called, "Not without my Daughter," the religion is misrepresented so that you are lured in by false pretences and then trapped with children and instability and fear if you choose to participate or leave. Women will gang up on you, manipulate you etc to ensure you conform.

I think you know that you have to leave for your sanity, your safety and for children. Don't imprison yourself when you don't have to. You have freedom to choose. Don't waste it on trapping yourself. Reach out to the places some have suggested.

Wishing you all the best.

You might not like the facts but they they facts none the less.

Considering he narcissistically dates someone non Muslim and expects her to convert for him, won't even properly marry her and threatens to leave her for not covering her hair in public...sounds pretty extreme dontcha think?

People that self entitled are always a risk.

Or just leave.
Leave for your Daughter.

You're living a lie. You don't 'believe' and you hate wearing the hijab.
It's all fake. Leave. Allow yourself to feel freedom again.

he’s using it to control you. I’ve married in a Muslim family, I didn’t convert and my parented doesn’t practice. The whole family everyone is different, some wear it some don’t. End of. You do not have to wear it. Call his bluff. Take it off. You shouldn’t give this man the right to control you x

And if money were not ‘tight’, would you leave?

My cousins parents joined another head garment wearing religion before whe was born. She grew up and rejected the religion. Moved out as soon as she could. It was a christian based religion. The whole community then completely blanked her. Her dad it turns out had hated it for years and left shortly after. Her mum is still in the religion and her sibling. They had a fractured relationahip for years but ultimately still connect though their common ground is very thin.
The bravery of walking away is not something to be taken lightly. If you are in a releigion that is strict then your whole community and support system is entwined as you are encouraged not to get close to anyone outside of it.
But at the end of the day, you cant live a lie forever. People do walk away and you are a person in yourself and can't change how you feel deep inside.
Things were hard for my cousin, she had to build a life herself completely. Everything she knew and everyone she knew were gone when she left. But she is happy and successful now.

You’re living in UK. Stop wearing it. See what he does then. He has no right to oppress you… or your dd. He’s vile. Leave him. Be free.

Can’t this be moved to the Religion section?

Nothing will change. He is deeply religious and these are his beliefs. Apart from telling you to leave, I'm not sure what advice people can give.

Why should it be? Why are you trying to get it hidden?