My husband will leave me if I take off the hijab.

[Lotusflowerbombx]

I’ve been married and a revert/covert to Islam for 6 years now for, yes I did it for my husband but I was so blindly in love at the time theres not much I wouldn’t of done. 6 years on and 2 DC I’m questioning everything!! I always have tbh, I’ve spoke many times with my husband about the hijab and how I don’t want to wear it but he said he’ll leave me if I don’t. He’s very much practicing and prays 5x a day at the mosque and he believes I do too but half the time I’m not actually.. I do feel bad about it though that’s why I think do I believe in this religion? When I’m having a bad anxiety day I pray and it makes me feel better but soon as that days done I’m back to pretending :( I had a conversation with my husband the other day about if our daughter didn’t want to wear hijab when she’s older what would he do and his answer was he would wash his hands of her and I just catch fathom how a parent could be so cold.. I hate wearing the hijab I don’t feel free and if my daughter was in my position I would say get rid but I’m just so scared I’ll regret it, is losing love worth it to show my hair? In all other areas he’s great, he’s the best dad and always helping with house work.. if I could dress how I want I would never think about leaving him :( anyone been in a similar situation? I struggle to find anything relatable online

Ok this is going to sound racist, it really isn't it is something that needs to be asked.

Are you white and he is brown?

Some Muslim men (and it is a minority) get off on having a white women obeying them. A bit like a trophy wife.

Whether you love each other or not he doesn't respect you. If he respected you then you would have had a legal marriage as well as a Nikkah.

I bet he doesn't wear Islamic dress, or if he does then only to go to the mosque. If he doesn't follow the dress code why should you?

As for money, does he provide fully for you? Is he paying for all food, clothing, rent / mortgage? A good Muslim does this.

You are not in great position, if he died tomorrow then you are not entitled to inherit from him because you are not married.

Sever ties and make a new free life with your children , they will thankyou for it . Can’t put a price on freedom . It’s one thing you being trapped but totally not fair on your daughter.

I think talking to someone with the same beliefs and religion is best. Thankyou @Khads94 for your kind words.

• *@Lotusflowerbombx for your husband it is his religious belief so that is why he wants you to wear the hijab. It doesn't mean he's controlling. I think if you were to get some books on islam to support you understand the religion more, maybe that might help.

@Wordsmithery I agree with what you have said, further on in lifes journey there will be other issues.

You have said it has been 6 years and you are still finding it difficult to wear the hijab. You are unhappy about it. Your belief is not strong enough, where as your husband is a strong believer. This is the big difference between, both of you.

Only you can decide what you want for your future.

I do want to add, when I separated from my husband due to financial abuse. It was a very difficult journey, I had the support of my parents to help me with my children on the days, I wasn't coping. On the days I was struggling, at least I knew my parents were taking care of the children. I wouldn't recommend separation to be taken lightly, its not an easy journey. Its lonely and when the children get older its hard to cope with their teenage years. Sadly both my parents have passed away now, so I'm alone now.

I hope you find a way of working through this. For example if you were to think about, what is it about the hijab that you find difficult and uneasy about?
Also you need to understand, why the hijab is worn in Islam in order for you to accept, why you wear it.

I hope you find the right answers.
Take care of yourself, wishing you all the best.

It’s not about religion. It’s about control. It’s the always the same. It’s a particular type of man. You just can’t see it. Years ago worked in that field. Now retired.

@Lotusflowerbombx Stay safe. Once you start to assert yourself he may try to assert his control over you more. Do you have real life people you can ask for help? Or go to some of the places others have suggested. Do not approach Khads.

Where are your family in this your mum/ dad any sisters or brothers. Assume you are not from the same religion. Any friends who don’t follow Islam. It’s easy for people to say well just take it off but you have children you converted presumably you wanted your children brought up in their fathers faith.

@Lotusflowerbombx what happened to your support network after you 'converted' to Islam? Are you still in touch with them? I'd start reaching out for support there as well but it's clear that if his religion is really important then you can't stay together. Also you lied to him. Not sure what would be said if it was the other way around.
I'd ban all religions if it was left up to me, they rarely are created for women and are often harmful to us.

Op, at the very least, double up on contraceptives while you consider your choices. Don't allow this situation to become more complicated.

I have raised my son alone for the last 15 years, after leaving a controlling ex. Not over religion but I can honestly say every day was a a relief. Life became a joy again. So it can be done, and without causing any difficulty to my child. My ds is 17 now, happy, confident, kind, off to university.

Look around your neighbourhood for some support in real life. There will be a group of people somewhere who have been through the same and can stand by you while you think. I hope you decide soon.

The hijab isn't your biggest problem. You can't fake being a Muslim for the rest of your life. You are going to start really resenting your DH if you have to do that.

Well, you are going to get a whole load of replies on here with a bias towards leaving him quickly and removing your hijab immediately. These kind of posts do attract the anti-Islam crew in swathes. Anyway, you are certainly in a bit of a predicament. Can you say a bit more about what the situation was when you first met him and also, perhaps how you viewed life before you met him?

@Lotusflowerbombx you chose this though? You knew his views. I know plenty of Muslims who dont wear the headscarf, and practice in others ways. They are still good Muslims. If you really feel that strongly, then you have to split up because you both want different things.

Is a compromise wearing a slightly different style of hijab? There's a few Muslim women at work and they wear a range of styles. One wears a selection of very lightweight loose scarves which is simply draped over her head in a lightweight fashion, typically coordinating with her outfit. It looks very stylish IMHO! She is a devout Muslim and regularly posts on social media about Ramadan, Eid etc and quite public about her religion/faith. So clearly she's found this an acceptable headcovering from a faith perspective.

Of course she should leave him if he’s coercing her, it’s abuse. There is no context where ‘do as I say or I’ll leave you’ is not abuse.

Your biggest problem is the lie of having the same faith as your husband. If you were both of the same strong faith, or if you had started the relationship knowing you didn’t have the same faith and had both agreed to go head anyway and work it out together then both would be fine.

But he thinks you have the same strength of faith as him. I think the hijab is a red herring. If you had the same strength of faith i doubt you’d find it as suffocating. It feels that way because you’re trapped in something that isn’t true for you.

Only you can decide if you can survive that or not, and if your husband is serious about leaving if you choose not to continue.

Regardless of faith, I have my doubts about anyone who would try to control their partners behaviour using threats to leave, or any threats. That’s not an even relationship.

Take it off, enjoy your new found freedom. It’s not love if he leaves you over it.

Is there a website to help people who have converted to Islam?
You can't be the first woman to have this kind of feeling about having to wear the hijab.
I do know women who are Muslim and don't wear the hijab

Do you own your home? Is your share legally protected, so if you sell, you get half? What about pensions? Do you work or have you sacrificed career and pension for him?

You are not married. You have absolutely no protection here. You won’t get a divorce settlement. You get nothing other than what you have in your own bank account, your own pension, your protected share in the house. Stupid decision.

This isn’t a good man or good dad. Your daughter is going to be repressed. Well done.

I think that you have put yourself to be put in a precarious position.

Where has he ever compromised for you? He wants you to wear a Hijab but he has given you zero legal ( recognition in a UK court) financial security.

For me the glaring thing is that he did not marry you in UK law- that says something don’t you think?

He has had children with you but given you no financial protection.If he truly and deeply loved you, he should have protected you and had a civil ceremony as well recognised under the Marriage Act. That should have been his contribution to this.

This is a man that has had his cake and eaten it. Personally, I don’t see this as love. Legally you have a non marriage.

For all intents and purposes he has given you no security and no protection in UK law. There is no reason why you could not have trotted to the registry office before your Islamic ceremomy and had a simple cheap service to give you financial protection before having kids. Why did you not insist on that?

Things will only get worse as you get older.

Do you both own the home or are you in a rented property? Is he the sole home owner? Do you work? If he was to die what happens then? Would you get booted out of your home by relatives?

I would take the hit now. I would get up and leave him. I would seek legal advice re maintenance under the Children’s Act ( the courts can insist he provides a home for your kids if he has assets).

Religion is not something you should fake. It’s hard enough with any form of belief yet alone going along with it. I was once dating a deeply Catholic man and despite being Catholic myself I could never live the way he wanted. He prayed several times a day. For me this was not a relationship that could thrive.

@Lotusflowerbombx@Lotusflowerbombx
Your husband has been honest with you about his religious beliefs.

I am continuing from my earlier post because there is no simple answer and that is why you have posted as you are confused.

However, if you are unhappy now, then how will you feel when your husband wants the children to be practising muslims?
Please, be honest with yourself rather than letting this continue. Be sure of what you want.
You have a difficult choice to make, which only you can make.
Please, get some support from family and friends. Its not easy either way, there's always good and bad days. Wishing you all the best. Take care of yourself.

You are not legally married so you need to be careful here m. I’d personally say that if he doesn’t live and respect you enough to legally marry you in the eyes of U.K. law then he’s not a good Muslim, who are meant to respect and protect their wives. The hijab doesn’t actually say anything btw, I have devout friends who do not wear it all the time but they do pray and undertake haj etc. whereas you are questioning belief more generally. The latter probably doesn’t have a compromise, he’s obviously devout and being with you was conditional on conversion- and this is no different to me making it clear to my dh that attending church is important to me when we first met (admittedly it takes up far less time and is more discrete)

This 💯

@Lotusflowerbombx I just want to tell you that you are a good person and should not feel guilty in any way. You can't make yourself believe in a religion, and it's very honest of you to admit it to yourself. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilt for not believing in Islam (or any other belief - that's the definition of a belief) and you have even less reason to feel guilt for hating the hijab and hating the idea that your daughter will be coerced into wearing it. You're being a good mother.

I think it's way too soon for you to decide to leave your ""husband"" who you are not married to. But at least try to stop feeling guilty and slowly get ready for an alternative way of living by gaining more independence from his beliefs, his money, his friends (by asserting you have a right to agnosticism, by earning money OR making sure you secure some assets, and by having your own network) . And then at some point you can confront him.

He’s controlling you and your daughter and he doesn’t agree that women should make their own decisions. I’d get far away from him and hide the children’s passports. It’ll only get worse. A hijab isn’t religious. My Muslim female friend has never worn a hijab.

Leave him. He doesn't want you, he wants a chattel.

If you won't do it for yourself do it for your daughter.

Take off the hijab, stop practicing a religion that you don't believe in, you aren't legally married so just leave him. It's not going to get better. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man telling you what to do constantly? If he loved you he wouldn't put pressure on you.

Regardless of religion, I think a marriage between a very religious controlling person and an agnostic was never going to work.
I am an agnostic. DH is mildly religious- he prays- but he doesn't force it on me.