My husband will leave me if I take off the hijab.

[Lotusflowerbombx]

I’ve been married and a revert/covert to Islam for 6 years now for, yes I did it for my husband but I was so blindly in love at the time theres not much I wouldn’t of done. 6 years on and 2 DC I’m questioning everything!! I always have tbh, I’ve spoke many times with my husband about the hijab and how I don’t want to wear it but he said he’ll leave me if I don’t. He’s very much practicing and prays 5x a day at the mosque and he believes I do too but half the time I’m not actually.. I do feel bad about it though that’s why I think do I believe in this religion? When I’m having a bad anxiety day I pray and it makes me feel better but soon as that days done I’m back to pretending :( I had a conversation with my husband the other day about if our daughter didn’t want to wear hijab when she’s older what would he do and his answer was he would wash his hands of her and I just catch fathom how a parent could be so cold.. I hate wearing the hijab I don’t feel free and if my daughter was in my position I would say get rid but I’m just so scared I’ll regret it, is losing love worth it to show my hair? In all other areas he’s great, he’s the best dad and always helping with house work.. if I could dress how I want I would never think about leaving him :( anyone been in a similar situation? I struggle to find anything relatable online

He might be a good dad but he’s extremely controlling and he has shrewdly told you that he will be just as controlling with your daughters. If they don’t obey him and he disowns them, what will you do? I’m usually in favour of counselling to salvage a marriage, but there’s no hope here. It’s his way or the highway and it’s pretty clear that this is going to become increasingly harmful over time. It also illustrates why performing unregistered marriages should be illegal. He is not your husband. He is your boyfriend and has failed to govern you the legal commitment that comes with marriage.

*give you (not govern you) though he does seem to think he governs you.

I agree that was rude.

You have come in here to get ideas and help to think it over back and forth.

@Lotusflowerbombx The fact that your husband wants you to cover yourself, that he would reject his own daughter if she didn't wear hijab, tells you everything you need to know. You are expected to hide and to obey. This isn't 'love', it's male control. It happens everywhere.

It’s one thing lying about your own beliefs to have a partner, it’s a completely different thing to bring kids into it.

You say you’d do anything for him, but you didn’t. You didn’t convert, not really. You pay lip service to him and his god. Why do you think lying to him is love?

And to be clear, I’m not saying you should convert. I’m saying you shouldn’t lie to people. Especially about such fundamental things.

He has been honest with you and you really shouldn’t have had children with him if you knew you were living a lie. And of course you should have known he could potentially disown his daughter too that’s really the sort of discussion you have before kids with someone, let alone two!

Time to be a good example to your kids and teach her we do not need to believe something just because other people do. And we can leave relationships that no longer work for us.

You’ve not even married the guy so on one had it’s easier to leave and the other…you have no protections whatsoever. A decent man who professes to love his family would never have left you so financially exposed by the way. He may act religious but clearly he puts himself first. Time to do the same for you and your daughter.

Just don't wear it, it's not compulsory, your choice, He'll get over it.

Or he’ll bump her off. You never know with religious extremists.

Oh, and if you leave him, don’t let him use a sharia court to arrange a fake divorce for a non-marriage, as they will give him custody. Sharia courts have no legal jurisdiction in Britain. They can only advise Muslims on what Islam teaches about family matters. You can say no to using one, leave him and arrange child maintenance and custody through the proper British legal system. You should go for full custody because of his controlling behaviour.

Could you persuade your DH with arguments from people who study Islamic law?
I found this one trying to give nuance to whether or not wearing a hijab is essential.

I think you need to think about your children, protecting them and teaching them right from wrong. How can someone who doesn’t respect your right or other women’s rights to wear what you want and make your own decisions be your “safe place”? If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children.

She doesn’t believe in Islam. She’s tried, but she clearly doesn’t.

Perhaps once you remove the hijab and take that relief of pretending and living a lie then you will become.more able to cope.
Reliant on someoje for a pure income.and to be told how to be or wear is very opposite of many modern lifes for us no days.
Religion is damaging.

What does the hijab mean to each of you, and would you both be open to respectfully exploring the conversation more from a hypothetical standpoint rather than a "you" standpoint? I have friends who wear it and friends who don't. Those who don't, believe it's not part of the faith but more cultural representation of faith. Those who do, who didn't when younger, suggest it helps them to feel closer to their faith. As a young mother it's easy to feel like you are losing your sense of being an individual and perhaps you are searching for a way to be recognised as more than just a mother and partner. There may be other options for you to explore that, such as meet with other women socially who don't judge you either way. Your partner may feel it opens up a new understanding of his faith to truly evaluate if a head covering for a woman is a requirement or a choice. Hopefully if you can work on keeping an open and loving dialogue between you, then by the time your children are old enough to be expected to consider wearing a hijab, you'll both feel that you can answer any questions and reservations they have so that they can make the choice for themselves and their father can accept their decision.

OP, do you have family who can support you?

It’s an old book now, but maybe read Not Without My Daughter about an American woman in your shoes who agreed to go to visit her husband’s family in Iran and ended up trapped there. He was charming too. She and her daughter were both interviews a few years ago and the daughter is now Christian and wears what she wants and is very happy.

She said she’s tried. She doesn’t want to wear it. He’s threatened her with separation if she doesn’t. There’s no room for a friendly chat about feelings and meaning in this dialogue.

What do you love about this man who would leave you for showing your hair in public?

OP with no legally recognised marriage ceremony you are deemed as cohabiting in UK law. If you do separate, this impacts on your financial position if there’s assets. You’ll know this though.

No easy way to square the circle here. Is your DH worried about stigma in the community? Or genuine religious belief? Agree it wouldn’t be for me either. Are you a Muslim by birth?

This is why I say a hypothetical chat not about OP wearing the hijab but about exploring it's significance in general. When someone feels too close to an issue they often have a knee jerk reaction and it's often based on what they think the truth is, rather than the actual truth (in this case, scripture). People often change their minds when they are given the opportunity to explore a concept with no threat of imminent change. Rarely do they change their minds through a confrontational approach.

Fellow revert here!🖐 Can I just say that you wouldn't find a non-Muslim asking us muslims, marriage or religious advice, and there's good reason for that. Please don't be swayed by all the "leave him" "It's best for your daughter" nonsense from people who don't know you, your situation or what it's even like wearing the hijab.

Sister, I have been married for 10+ years, children of my own, and wear my hijab. Please message me if you need to speak privately. My inbox is open! I'd love to chat.

Sorry you’re in this situation OP. Info just in case it helps:

Muslim Women’s Network UK (MWNUK) through the following confidential contact methods:

• Helpline Phone Number: tel:0800 999 5786 0800 999 5786
• Text/WhatsApp: tel:07415 415 786 07415 415 786
• Email Support: [email protected]
• Official Website: www.mwnuk.co.uk

Perhaps look for advice from an organisation like the Muslim Women's Network:
https://www.mwnuk.co.uk

Best of luck, OP.

After reading all the comments on this post, I can honestly say I'm not surprised at the sheer lack of education and the pure ignorance, ha. 🫠

Alternative sources of support that won’t try to coerce you:

https://humanists.uk/faith-to-faithless/

https://ex-muslim.org.uk/

Sorry - but he's massively taken advantage of you and is controlling. He's chosen a form of marriage that gives you no rights even though you have had two of his children, he's chosen an interpretation of his religion that allows him to dictate what you can wear. What has he given up / risked for you that is equal to the fact that (a) you have been willing to risk the economic consequences of having two children outside the legal protections of a real marriage, (b) changing your religion to please him and (c) wearing the clothes that please him all the time.

Can your husband explain why this is so important? Not the traditional, textbook answer but why it matters to him, a man living in the UK in 2026. You say you converted to Islam for him, so presumably at the beginning of your relationship you wouldn't have worn a hijab. Why was it okay for him then but not now?