I had an affair and lost every one

[amonthtogo]

I know I deserve everything I get but…

I was married for 15 years, two teenage dc, sexless marriage no love, affection, slept in separate beds, more like house mates. A friend of mine shown interest and one thing led to another and I was seeing him behind my DH back. I did after a few weeks tell DH who wouldn’t accept it and carried on as if nothing had happened.

family and friends found out and have all stopped talking to me.

the affair is still going on and DH is acting as if everything is ok. Im stuck. If I had somewhere to leave to I would but I don’t have anywhere to go

Just let go and be free. Life is short and that is half living. I encourage you to leave your husband and do not enter a serious relationship with someone you started an affair with. It is tainted he will never trust you.

OP you need to leave your relationship and get a fresh start. Once you are single you can start dating again.

Change is scary but there is no point in staying and being miserable.

You made a mistake. No one is perfect and you can learn from it.

It doesn’t sound like her husband gives a shit so why should anyone else.

Also, friends are friends. I really wouldn’t mind if they had an affair tbh

The black and white way in which people approach affairs on here is utterly baffling. Because the truth is, affairs really aren’t that simple.

Yes of course it goes without saying that there are people who cheat simply because of the people they are. But there are absolutely people who end up in affairs because they’re in desperate relationships. Abusive often, emotionally or physically. Exit affairs are a genuine thing, and while of course having an affair shouldn’t be the answer, we none of us knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

Yet on MN an affair is the sin to cancel out all other sins. I genuinely believe that people on here view affairs to be worse than domestic violence, murder etc.

I have a a family member who was in an abusive relationship. Emotionally he isolated her from her friends and family. They moved away so he could be sure she didn’t have support with the kids. He raped her during their marriage, switched the heating off in the house when he went to work so she couldn’t use it.

She met someone at the school gate when she went to pick up her DC and they ended up having an affair. Ideal? Absolutely not. But having the affair gave her the ideal get out, because before that when she’d tried to leave her family told her that they would refuse to support her. He told her she was nothing without him.

So she turned herself into the villain.

She didn’t end up with the other bloke. But he did help her leave the relationship.

But now if she came on to MN she would be ripped apart, told she was the lowest of the low, “poor DH” would be uttered, and meanwhile an abusive rapist would be out there claiming victim status. Because apparently having an affair has cancelled out his previous actions.

Interestingly he did the same to his partner after her, she attempted to have him charged with DV and the CPS threw out the case due to lack of evidence.

My initial thoughts on the OP’s situation were that maybe the husband is controlling, given he’s calmly not accepted anything and is just carrying on, makes me feel he has some kind of sinister agenda.

But what does it matter. Affair is all that matters. Only good kind wonderful victims are cheated on. Never complete bastards.

As you say, you deserve everything you get

It’s still an affair even if her husband knows

saying yeah you deserve it is one thing. because you act like like some 17-yo immature girl who doesn't care what her actions cause. you need to put your big girl pants on and actually do something because you are the one caused this and sadly it has an impact on other people's lives too. your husband is shocked or something else is wrong, it doesn't matter. the best you can do is leave. oh boo hoo, I don't have anywhere to go - and then what? you stay so your husband can finance you onwards and you can keep having sex with some other dude? shame on you. leave. you are an adult, you caused this, so if you don't have anywhere to go then make an opportunity. like adults do.

to have the nerve to say oh poor me I am stuck. really?

The phrase is actually judge not unless you wish to be judged by the same measure.

I think if we don't agree with adultery, we are okay for people to judge us in the same way if we then committed adultery.

Just end the marriage and make a fresh start. His family may have no more to do with you but I would expect your family and friends to support you- if they don't, they weren't friends to begin with.

It’s not just OP though is it.

She has destroyed her kids lives.
She would have lied and manipulated not only her DH, but also her DC, family and friends.
She was probably also using them as an excuse of where she was going and dragging them into a life they don’t condone.

We also don’t know who she had an affair with which could also be a big reason for them not speaking to her.

The fact that she’s still carrying it on is probably the reason why they’ve stopped talking to her.
I wouldn’t want any part of that behaviour.

If it was a simple affair, I wouldn’t cut my child off. I might have a couple of days of being quiet but ultimately I wouldn’t want to hear about it or be involved in anyway but not completely shut them out.
They could come and stay at mine but it’s their mess to fix and I wouldn’t be picking up the pieces and I would still be close to the ex.

OP is obviously not a nice person though.
Not only for the act itself but for the fact that she’s still carrying it on.
I can totally see why family and friends don’t want anything to do with someone so selfish.

Explain her side of the story? You can explain it however you like but it doesn’t justify it. Why would her DH be controlling the narrative? The fact is Op is having an affair. It’s like you’re somehow trying to put the blame on the DH

Poor guy. You are giving him mixed messages by staying. At least your friends and family seem switched on.

It’s black and white because when someone posts their husband has an affair it has to be all
out support and he’s the one totally to blame, no other response is tolerated.

when it’s a woman, mumsnet feels it has to broadly react the same way, but then it feels overly harsh because, we’ll, it’s a woman isn’t it so we shouldn’t be harsh. We should accept “it’s complicated”

the black and white approach feels fine for men but feels oddly wrong for women…

I agree with you. But it is an explanation not an excuse. I ended a marriage for this (among other) reasons (I did not have an affair). I just don't feel comfortable with the level of judgment and scorn being heaped on OP here. People make mistakes. Yes, they should take responsibility for them and correct them.

FAFO. No sympathy for you.

The last thing I can think of is ‘poor husband’ he sounds awful and total Walter Mitty.

Why don’t you just leave him though??

Not too dissimilar, except XH and I had decided our marriage as over but we continue to cohabit. So I don’t class it as an affair, and XH knows about it but DP’s XW (my friend) doesn’t know yet.

listen, you aren’t the first. You won’t be the last. You made choices, own them and deal with them consequences. It doesn’t make you a terrible person but how you handle yourself from now on will have a serious impact upon all of your relationships.

Bloody hell there’s some nastiness on here.

OP is your husband not reacting because he’d be happy with an open marriage?

How on earth could you be friends with someone who is that selfish that they intentionally blow their family apart... and potentially traumatises their children and seriously affects their children's lives for ever ? Having dealt with my own and my children's trauma for years after ex's affair, I wouldn't want a friend who'd purposely caused that to their own family. There's a right and a wrong way to end a marriage...

It was OP who had the affair, not her DH.
So yes it would be ‘poor husband’, why wouldn’t it be.

Because ‘poor husband’ and ‘oh the poor wife’ responses make me think, sometimes they know and are doing worse themselves!! We don’t actually know anything.

These threads are pointless. Affairs are wrong, damage for years and hurt everyone involved, just don’t do it, end of story.

The hows and whys of affairs are not black and white, no. Nuance lies in those questions.
On Mumsnet, however, nuance is reserved for unfaithful women, not unfaithful men. A comprehensive list of the betrayed husband’s transgressions and flaws are trotted out and accepted as the truth, conveying a type of victimhood and extending a level of understanding to the cheating wife.
This rarely, if ever, happens when the genders are reversed.
Unfaithful women are fully believed, despite us already knowing, due to their admission of cheating, that they lie and are dishonest. They can be extended compassion, understanding, empathy. Those disapproving of her actions are judgmental, lack nuance… the list goes on. Nobody is ever perfect, but there’s nothing wrong with disapproving of bad behaviour, from women as well as men.
Cheating men, however, are rarely extended this courtesy on MN, with men the judgment is often black and white, “it’s never that simple” and possibility for change is reserved for unfaithful women. If a cheating man tells us how terrible his wife is, very few rally round to support him. It takes seconds for him to be asked if he’s perfect, or how he contributed negatively to his marriage. He is then usually handed his arse on a plate and sometimes, but only rarely, listened to.
Female leopards can apparently change their spots but not male.
Secondly, lives and relationships can be difficult and complicated, but we must still own our choices in the face of that, that’s when we find out who we really are and where our weak spots are.
Do we have integrity when dealing with relationship issues? Do two wrongs make a right? Can our integrity be set aside, can we give ourselves permission to drop below our standards for how we treat others, if we feel we are being treated badly? Give ourselves a free pass to do what we know is wrong? Are we honest or dishonest? Do we choose ethically or are we self-serving at the expense of others?
These are not questions where “well, that depends on…” applies. Reasons for choices can be myriad, nuanced, but the right/ wrong of our choices is pretty straightforward and simple.
The decision to have an affair, the choice to lie, the choice to deceive, is a black/ white yes/ no issue.
There are worse things men and women can do to each other than cheat.
However we are not discussing those issues here. We are discussing OP’s choice to have an affair. OP is not a bad person, but what she is doing is poor behaviour. Having an affair and deceiving others is never the right thing to do.

Anyone can leave op you just need to find a way. Yes you sound unhappy but you chose to tell your husband with no back up plan. Most people would end their marriage when they know they can no longer live that way. You both sound like you are burying your heads.

You say "the affair is still going on"... As if it's something you have no control over? Take some responsibility for your own actions FFS.

Do the decent thing and end the affair. Then do the decent thing and either end your marriage or ask your poor 'D'H if he's willing to work with you on saving the marriage.

Sounds a very lonely life, might be best leaving both these men and finding some good friends. I know if my friends had an affair I certainly wouldn’t abandon them.