I had an affair and lost every one

[amonthtogo]

I know I deserve everything I get but…

I was married for 15 years, two teenage dc, sexless marriage no love, affection, slept in separate beds, more like house mates. A friend of mine shown interest and one thing led to another and I was seeing him behind my DH back. I did after a few weeks tell DH who wouldn’t accept it and carried on as if nothing had happened.

family and friends found out and have all stopped talking to me.

the affair is still going on and DH is acting as if everything is ok. Im stuck. If I had somewhere to leave to I would but I don’t have anywhere to go

Sorry to hear this OP. You say you can’t leave. What do you want - to fix your marriage, to be with the new man or to be on your own? Do you have kids?

Why tell your DH about the affair, especially if you intended on continuing it.

You may as well leave him then. You've nothing else to lose really.

This is quite sad for all concerned. Unlike many others on this thread, i have some sympathy for you. Living in a loveless marriage (that I have experience of) is soul destroying, and I am not going to jump down your throat for having found some happiness where you can. Touch is a natural human need. I imagine those who know about the affair and are quick to judge you don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. I don't know much about how your relationship came to be where it is today, but I'm sure your DH's apathy had a role to play in it, so I also will not jump to the 'your poor DH' response.

In any case, the current situation doesn't serve anyone - least of all you. So, you do need to figure out how you can end the situation - with least impact for your children. I would also caution you against running straight to living in etc with your affair partner/friend. You turned to him because you were unhappy and vulnerable, you will need some distance before you can figure out whether the relationship has genuine value and merit in it.

It’s really quite simple. Leave your husband or leave the affair. You can’t have both. You might end up with neither but that’s a risk you’ve taken.

How about she stops thinking about what she wants? That's her problem.

I hope this is fake as how can you say you’ve lost everyone and I assume be sad about it but still carry on with the affair.

Why not just be with the new man if he makes you so happy and you’re so unhappy with DH?

Let me guess, he doesn’t actually want a relationship with you.

Why are you writing as if you have no agency over the situation, as if it’s just happening to you?

Get a grip.

How have you twisted this around so much to basically put the blame on everyone apart from OP?

OP is disgusting.
She has had an affair and broke up her family.
She is still carrying it on but doesn’t want to leave the safety of her DH (who apparently she was so unhappy with before).

Do not try and justify her behaviour.
If OP was a man I guarantee you wouldn’t be trying to blame his wife.

I agree with this

You are responsible for your actions op and sound quite self pitying.

You do have choices. You may not like them, but they are there.

Its a choice to jump into an affair . No-one needs to have an affair.

You are the one who is unhappy in the marriage, you are the one who needs to take the step to move on, and face the consequences that come with your actions

It's an MN talent that I find fascinating.

Soon the man will have been coercive controlling, manipulative, not supportive with chores etc and all manner of things to justify this affair so the OP becomes the victim, instead of the villain.

What are we actually supposed to say to contribute to this thread?

Sorry that you're feeling the sting of your own actions? Sorry that you still have the security of a home with the man you wronged?

I genuinely don't understand what we're supposed to offer here.

Spot on!

Will your lover not house you?

Do your husband the kindness of divorcing him, then you'll find somewhere else to live once your house is sold.

Doubt they’ll see the lover for dust if she actually splits with ‘D’H

Well, you fucked around and found out.

Many people are in unhappy marriages. This isn't a get out of jail free card reason to have an affair.

The first step is to either work things out in your marriage, or end it. Your shortcut here has consequences which you have now found out.

You made your bed OP. I'm sorry but I am not sure what replies you were expecting.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 isn't Karma a bitch....

I feel for you OP. A sexless marriage where your DH isn't interested in you physically is soul destroying and no way to live.

I for one don't blame you for looking elsewhere.
What I don't understand is why everyone's found out and why you told your DH. Was it to make him jealous and notice you?

It's not as easy as 'just leave' when children are involved and imo people blanking you over this situation need to butt out and remember its non of their business.

I have no words of wisdom/advice other do you think your marriage is salvageable ? Do you love your DH? Can you see a future with him at all? Does he love you ?

Would you consider individual and couples counselling to work through the difficult feelings you have and find answers to the above questions?

If this was a man he would be torn apart.

Let alone the threads when a man as said im not having an affair but im in a sexless marrage, he`s told to grow up.

Do you have a trusted person to talk to @amonthtogo , or can you access therapy? Your H has withdrawn from your relationship. It's unsurprising that you would respond if someone showed you that attention and made you feel valued. In spite of all the horrified posters, it's a situation many people have been in. What might separation look like?

Maybe he’s ignoring it because he’s having an affair too? Is he happy?

Why can’t you file for divorce?

You can have compassion for the OP without condoning/justifying her choices. An affair is wrong. End of. Leaving when kids are involved isn’t straight forward, a sexless unhappy marriage is awful…but an affair isn’t the answer.OP has made bad choices and is now seeing the consequences. I think all we can offer on this thread is advice to really look hard at her life and either end the affair or her marriage…or both and sort herself out. None of that will be easy, but this is the position she is in and it’s going to be messy whichever route she goes. What she needs to do is prioritise her kids and what is best for them.

I feel for you OP. A sexless marriage where your DH isn't interested in you physically is soul destroying and no way to live.

So then separate.

Are you saying it’s ok for men to have affairs if they’re not getting enough sex at home?

Plenty of women go through phases of low libido and don’t want sex - you’re saying that in this situation the man can go and have sm affair??

Why not just stop being so pathetic and leave and stand on your own two feet instead?

I'm not condoning adultery but I don't blame her for looking outside her marriage if it's sexless and has been for what sounds like a long time.

You should have finished one relationship before starting another.

OP implies that their marriage has been sexless for a very long time, ie it's not a phase.

I don't condone adultery but I can understand how someone, female or male would look elsewhere if their marriage was sexless.