I had an affair and lost every one

[amonthtogo]

I know I deserve everything I get but…

I was married for 15 years, two teenage dc, sexless marriage no love, affection, slept in separate beds, more like house mates. A friend of mine shown interest and one thing led to another and I was seeing him behind my DH back. I did after a few weeks tell DH who wouldn’t accept it and carried on as if nothing had happened.

family and friends found out and have all stopped talking to me.

the affair is still going on and DH is acting as if everything is ok. Im stuck. If I had somewhere to leave to I would but I don’t have anywhere to go

As predicted.............the justification begins......

You must be having fun if the affair is continuing though?

Making excuses OP with ‘but…’ is the opposite of accountability. I had an affair but you made me do it is a sorry not sorry stance. That kind of narrative do think is a little pathetic.

It ‘just happened’ also nonsense. Wallow if you must as you do seem to be feeling sorry for yourself, and radio silence says it all but enlightenment doesn’t care how you get there, it’s not too late wake up and wise up and sort out one way or tother the mess you have created.

We get one life. It’s not the end of the world but it’s certainly not at all great either. Affairs hurt a lot of people.

@Additup I for one don't blame you for looking elsewhere.
What I don't understand is why everyone's found out and why you told your DH.

That’s some ‘advice’… cheat, but live a lie and cover your tracks!?

@Additup I have no words of wisdom/advice other do you think your marriage is salvageable ? Do you love your DH? Can you see a future with him at all? Does he love you ?

She's still having the affair, so we can assume the answers to all of those are 'nope.'

That wasn't my advice, that was a question to the OP.

I can't tell if your marriage has always been loveless, sexless, and devoid of affection or if this is a decline over time. If the latter, did you and your husband ever talk, pre-affair, about how things were going wrong, or discuss the possibility of either getting therapy/working to improve things or splitting up?

Decide if you want your marriage to be something different - e.g. if it was once happy/loving, and you'd like to try to get back to that. If YES, that's really only an option if your husband also strongly and genuinely wants that and you're both willing to do a LOT of work - including ending the affair, cutting contact with your affair partner, being completely transparent until trust is restored, probably going to therapy, taking it seriously, and having a LOT of tedious and irritating conversations about the relationship.

If NO, do you both want to remain in the marriage but treat it as a business arrangement, or a living arrangement, or coparenting or whatever - which sounds like what you were doing before the affair started? If so, you probably both need to agree on ground rules about things like outside sexual/romantic relationships and what to tell other people, most importantly your children.

Or do you want to split up? Have a conversation about next steps - who moves out, if anyone. How assets get split up. What happens with the children. How do you tell people. You get the idea. But - especially if you have combined finances and especially if things have been unequal between you financially - you should probably seek legal advice before discussing this with him.

Things will probably fall into place with friends and family once it's clear what's going to happen going forward. His family and friends may continue to be cold to you, and many will simply judge based on the fact that an affair happened. But with your own friends and family it's worth trying to explain what has happened once you understand it yourself and you and your husband have decided what's next - "I'm leaving Trevor for Cletus; we're madly in love and it's made me realise that my marriage has been essentially over for a long time" or "Trevor and I have been through a really rough time and a lot of it's my fault, but we're trying to work things out and a make a fresh start" are a lot easier for people to respond to than "I'm having an affair with Cletus, LOL! Trevor knows but won't discuss things so we're just all doing what the fuck we want".

You've got to be the one to take the first steps to fix this; no one else can do it for you. Good luck.

None of the aspects of your relationship described in your original post warrant an affair. Nothing does. If a man had said them, he’d be accused of ‘the Script’.
You need to end it with both of them and work on yourself before you have a relationship with anyone else.
It might be very hard to find somewhere else but your selfishness and entitlement around using your husband as a place to stay and having your affair until you get an easy way out is just cake-eating. Does he know it’s continuing or did he presume (or did you tell him?) when you confessed, that your confession meant it was actually over?
Frank discussion time from everyone involved and a clear, mutually agreed plan moving forward.
People want to disassociate themselves with you because of your dishonesty. You can’t be trusted and haven’t stopped sneaking around. It’s not difficult to see why they’ve all gone. Once you change and get some integrity, you might get a different reaction.

You're an adult OP, you can go anywhere you like. But let me guess, you don't want to leave your DH because financially he's very convenient. Much easier to stay and use him while shagging someone else.

Lowest of the low is what you are OP, just the same as if you were a man cheating on his wife and keeping her around because she's convenient.

This is excellent advice 👏

Surely this could have been predicted ftom the outset!

Affairs are only for the emotionally, morally and intellectually challenged.

Everyone else handles relationships better. They are multiple ways to address a relationshop breakdown, yet you chose one if the most damaging to all involved.

If he wrote a thread on here from his perspective, we’d unanimously be telling him to get his ducks in a row & seek legal advice. Don’t mistake his silence for acceptance.

Do you still love each other? What do you want?

Also how did family and friends find out?

You seem to be surprised?

What do you want, pity? You cheated on your husband and ruined your family.
Leave your husband, he deserves better. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Glad to hear all your friends and family have a moral compass though, good on them for not pandering to your Woe is me act.
You made your bed, go lay in it with another man.

This. Whatever the circumstances, there are zero excuses for dishonest betrayal of a spouse. Failing to separate before going and getting what you want is selfish and entitled.
Life's too short to rally around adults who don't know or don't care about this.

Surely it is normal to leave a relationship before starting a new one. I don’t blame them.

Then get a divorce. Not an affair.

Wanting more human touch and love is a good reason to end a marriage. It's not an excuse for an affair. I'm staggered some PP think this.

You sound very unhappy.
Do you want to stay in your loveless,sexless marriage?
Do you want to be with your affair friend who showed interest ?
Do you think your husband is in shock,wanting to carry on as if nothing has happened or just getting his ducks in row before telling you to sling your hook?
What did you want to happen by telling your husband of your affair?
Bottom line is fathom out what do you want to do and find a way to do it?

Can't you move in with your boyfriend?

Somewhat harsh.
Let the judger be the sinner.......

Sounds like it suits him because he doesn't want to sleep with her.

I can’t understand it.

If my DP didn’t want sex then I would decide the relationship isn’t for me and separate.

No way would I think it’s acceptable for either me or him to go and have sex with someone else.

There is absolutely no excuse or valid reason behind it.

If you can have an affair, then you can leave.

The only people who have affairs are purely just selfish because they want to have the fun of sleeping around but still have the safety and money/lifestyle that the DP brings.
They’re wanting to keep their cake and eat it too.
It’s vile.

I would never, ever cut ties with my son or my daughter if they had an affair. If you were my daughter I’d help get you out of the marriage and to come and live with me until if and when you get back on your feet again. I would not, however, be supportive of you carrying on this affair in the short term.

@Robogob - i think you have expressed what i was getting at much better than i did. I don’t condone affairs or think what the OP has done is fine (though some posters seem to have read my posts that way) but i do find it a bit shocking that everyone including family seems to have abandoned the OP.