Would having a fifth child in our blended family be unrealistic?

[AmITotallyBonkers]

I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 years. We are engaged and live together. He has two DSS (3) and (5). I have DD (9) and DD (7). I am 31 and he is 38. I work part time school hours and he works full time half from home.

We have DSSs T W Th Night Week 1 and F S S Night Week 2. We have DD until Friday school pick up during Week 1 they are returned Sunday morning. Week 2 they don’t see their DF.

Would I be totally crazy to have another? We have the room at home and financial flexibility. Does anyone actually have 5 kids?!

As to not drip feed, life is busy but enjoyable, sometimes chaotic but worth it.

Seeing as you’ve only been together 2 years, I’m assuming you can’t have lived together for too long. You’re also still young in parenting terms - there’s no need to rush into a decision like this. If you still feel the same in 2-3 years, when you’ve lived several cycles of the year and really understood the ebb and flow of your complex family (eg cost of summer holidays, Christmas, how you handle challenges between the step siblings, logistics of shipping 4 kids to school on time and differing pick ups based on activities etc), then maybe consider whether it would work for you then.

You also want to have one eye on how on earth this would work if you had another and this relationship ended. Right now you believe it won’t - and hopefully you’re right - but I imagine you both felt that way about your previous partners to begin with.

What does financial flexibility mean OP? You can both confidently support 5 children to adulthood without any recourse to public funds - AND you can support three children on your own without any taxpayer help if this relationship ends? What is your part time job?

A bedroom each currently. Study would need to be a potential nursery.
I have additional income through some rental properties I own. I actually think marriage would do me personally a disservice in asset terms.
University financials not a problem.

Aside from anything else I would not have a child with a man who left his child when they were 1 and very quickly moved onto someone else….

No

@Lillers Thank you, this has been the most helpful comment!

For me, yes you would be crazy. You’re just about to start getting a bit of freedom and you want to go right back to the baby days!

Also young kids are cheap. Teens are NOT cheap and I would be looking ahead to the years when you have 19, 17, 15, and 13: four sets of driving lessons and car insurance, four sets of uni fees, four sets of school trips/uniforms/PE kits, four sets of Christmas tech… I only have one and that’s pricy enough! You could be in the position of laying out those sorts of expenses for YEARS 😵

Also it’s never been just you and your partner, has it? There’s always been your kids as well. How well can you both really know each other?
As it is, should you and your partner separate, it can be clean- but if you have a joint baby it has huge potential to get messy.

He didn’t wait long to get into another relationship and bring his DC into it.

People are really focusing on the wrong thing here, not everyone will have money to give their kids driving lessons or afford uni or school trips, how do you think families manage who cant afford those things?

The thing to focus on is the children's emotional needs.

Yes, it would be absolutely crazy! I have underwear longer than your relationship. 2 years in and already living together and engaged? Why the rush?

Put your existing children first and don't do it.

@Costatesco For context I’ve known him roughly 15 years as my brothers best friend. I know him well. The worry is meeting the needs of the current children.

She didnt say she was going to marry, she said they were engaged. believe it or not people just stay engaged. She says herself that marriage would do her a disservice. Its why Im not married, Im not risking my assets in the light of any potential break up

OP, with the current set up and ages of your DC, you have a lovely family. If you have another, then the four existing DC will think that you favour this new one (whether you do nor not) because they only live with one parent, whereas it will have two. I really, really wouldn’t have another one if I were you - it’s enough for the DC to get their heads round your new relationship, and the fact that you intend to get married, without throwing a new baby into the mix as well. Enjoy your existing children, and don’t complicate your blended family any further.

How much would you (realistically) be asking the children to do?
What will they have to sacrifice/give up, rooms, other space, toys, holidays, school trps?
Will they be expected to babysit the youngest?
How will it affect their ability to go to after school clubs, driving lessons etc?

And be honest about it, because many will say that it will have no effect and you expect nothing from them but it will.

You’ve been in a relationship with this guy since he had a one year old.
Don’t be a fool.

You haven’t said anything yet about how well the needs of the current children are already being served, other than mentioning your home is sometimes chaotic but “worth it”, which frankly sounds more like an adult framing of a situation.

You don’t seem to understand the concept of being “engaged to be married”. It literally means just that.
If you don’t intent to marry, you don’t just stay engaged, you’re not engaged 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well Ive known plenty who do, I dont know why personally, but they do.

Personally I would never marry.

No, why on earth would I be?

Of course I understand the concept. You dont seem to understand that for some reason some people just dont get married, they just seem to be fiances. Dont ask me why, they just do.

What happens when you end up with his kids full time if their mum dies/can’t cope and then YOU end up parenting another 2 kids 24/7 as well as your own?