Would having a fifth child in our blended family be unrealistic?

[AmITotallyBonkers]

I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 years. We are engaged and live together. He has two DSS (3) and (5). I have DD (9) and DD (7). I am 31 and he is 38. I work part time school hours and he works full time half from home.

We have DSSs T W Th Night Week 1 and F S S Night Week 2. We have DD until Friday school pick up during Week 1 they are returned Sunday morning. Week 2 they don’t see their DF.

Would I be totally crazy to have another? We have the room at home and financial flexibility. Does anyone actually have 5 kids?!

As to not drip feed, life is busy but enjoyable, sometimes chaotic but worth it.

I think it’s been easier for us as we didn’t have them all at the same time and have had large age gaps even between our younger children. Although I do have friends where they’ve had everyone under the roof at the same time in a big happy blended family and it still worked fine (not sure how I would have coped with that!) Their older kids actually much happier even with the additional siblings than when they were in a dysfunctional unhappy first family set up. In my experience older kids always adored the younger ones within all the families I know but then everyone I know always made a big effort to show the older ones they were still as loved and important, invested time ans resources into their interests too. With us is easier as they all have their own spaces to retreat to as well where the baby not knowing over their toys etc.
I suppose have to think carefully about each situation, I avoided having another one when one of mine was doing GCSEs as knew that DC would need my extra input then, also the younger DCs were quite a bit of work and needed a lot of input/supervison as toddlers so waited till the next one in school before having another each time so could juggle everything. We’ve also structured our work life around having the time for them all too. This has meant we haven’t had the money for fancy holidays, fancy furniture, decor etc but is worth it for the good work life balance it gives us

Terrible idea.

This is a question only you and your partner can answer. Make sure it’s for the right reason and not just a romantic notion, as you know babies change relationships.

You have to do what is right for your family, we’re lucky that our kids go to a brilliant state school and enjoy lots of opportunities there and we live in a really great community with lots on too but I can imagine for other families they are going to depend on paying alot more for a decent standard of living, especially if they live in London/a grotty area but are tied to those areas for some reason. We did think about the impact each extra child may have and were just lucky that it wasn’t going to make much difference. It’s not like any of them seem to have anything they feel they’ve lost out on or couldn’t do because they had extra siblings and if hadn’t had them I’d probably just be more wrapped up in my career and off on fancy holidays with the DH. Think we actually make more of a conscious effort to make sure they don’t miss out

Why stick at one? Of course you might have twins.

Do parents generally seek their children’s views before having a 2nd or 3rd? As it is they’ve all expressed they would be quite chilled about us having another, I think they’ve seen their lives don’t really change with the extra siblings they’ve had. They could have gone to uni, 3 have done so, the other were never particularly academic anyway. I worked as a teenager and didn’t have a problem with it and as I said they actually seem much happier than the young people I know who had all this paid for them and now come down to adulthood with a bump and find life is quite miserable in comparison. Our kids have come in to adulthood much happier discovering they can now work and do all the things they dreamed of doing when they were younger with the earnings. What is there to look forward to in life when you’ve had everything you could wish for given to you already. The fact is they’ve also done much better for themselves in the jobs market than many young people, due to their own hard work and the experience they gained from the jobs they did as teenagers. For example our teenagers in the pandemic weren’t wallowing in their beds with self pity, they were actually out working on the front line as respected key workers

There will NEVER be a reason to add to your family that you can attribute to being in the best interests of your existing children. They categorically don't need another sibling. It will only ever be to their detriment. In that case it would be (and will always be) entirely selfish. Don't do it if you care about the best interests of your existing children.

Would solve the heavy overpopulation of humans brilliantly.

There is a difference between a third child and an eighth child. I know a family where the eldest wants to go to university but would get reduced maintenance loan. Has PT time job but would need some financial assistance from parents, but is deciding not to go as knows parents wouldn’t be able to help all their DC. The parents had 3 little ones with a reasonably large age gap from the older ones. If the older ones have issues they will talk to other relatives eg GPs as feel they are ignored by parents whose time is spent with the younger ones. They don’t feel their lives have been particularly enriched by their younger siblings

I guess it means the older ones will leave home quicker (whether they want to or not)

Yes.

Our kids have come in to adulthood much happier discovering they can now work and do all the things they dreamed of doing when they were younger with the earnings

This doesn’t really suggest that despite having seven siblings, none of you missed out, does it?

You mean the shortfall of births that we're currently facing......

@KilkennyCats the young person I know who has decided not to go to university hasn’t told his parents the real reason why he is choosing not to go. I assume many children will never tell their parents if they felt disadvantaged either by a blended family or by having numerous siblings. They may come on here to vent! But they will tell their parents what they think their parents want to hear

@Notasbigasithink but numerous children will only be beneficial if net contributors. If either the parents or their offspring cost the state more than the taxes they pay, they are not going to be contributing to anyone’s pensions and also using up resources

The amount of money the family must have been spending a month makes my jaw hit the floor..,, and presumably your husband was also paying maintenance for his multiple kids from previous relationship? Were you both very high earners @Summerfays26

Yes but that is an unpredictable assumption of anyone being born into this world! How does anyone know if they will be able to contribute to society when they come of age?! Too many variables

What is the reason out of nosiness? @sittingonabeach

@Ricequark I posted earlier but the reason. is that the parents have had a number of DC so he is now part of a large family and he feels that if they support him financially they wouldn’t be able to offer the same to his younger siblings so he feels he can’t ask that of his parents (but won’t tell them that)

This one's easy! Don't do it
Life you have is good right?
You sound happy.. live it and enjoy!!
You're thro the baby phase, kids are growing up, you wanna be hanging around school gates as you head thro 40s and into 50s??

@Ricequark parental income gives rise to lower loan, and parents are expected by the Government to make up the shortfall. And yes he doesn't think it would be fair if he had help, and by the time the younger ones are able to go to uni the parents might not be able to afford it. And actually whether they could afford it now, as maintenance loan does not take into account parental outgoings just their income

@Ricequark the loan starts reducing after parental income of about £43k, so not low but not that high especially if there are a number of DC in the family or other high outgoings eg mortgage

Even full maintenance loan doesn't always cover rent at uni never mind any other expenses, so reduced loan will more than likely mean rent won't be covered. Many parents will be contributing about £8k - £10k to their student DC And if they study in London or other expensive areas it can be as high as £15k

These costs are always something to consider before having another child. Might not need to be paying out but many will. Quite a few parents start putting money aside early on.

Yeah i think 2years is absolutely nothing, at 2 years a couple is still new and in the honeymoon phase and definitely should not be making life time commitments like having children straight away. You can commit without bringing a new baby into the world. I feel a lot of couples who do this are using the baby as a bandaid to prove their relationship with their new family. Me and my partner talked about things like marriage and kids etc but we certainly didnt think it was a priority after 2y
In this scenario I would only expect the couple to be moving in together around this time as things like that are quite traumatic for the existing children.