Would having a fifth child in our blended family be unrealistic?

[AmITotallyBonkers]

I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 years. We are engaged and live together. He has two DSS (3) and (5). I have DD (9) and DD (7). I am 31 and he is 38. I work part time school hours and he works full time half from home.

We have DSSs T W Th Night Week 1 and F S S Night Week 2. We have DD until Friday school pick up during Week 1 they are returned Sunday morning. Week 2 they don’t see their DF.

Would I be totally crazy to have another? We have the room at home and financial flexibility. Does anyone actually have 5 kids?!

As to not drip feed, life is busy but enjoyable, sometimes chaotic but worth it.

It’s not so much the parents ages, more that they will be doing it for the 4th/5th time in very quick succession at a time when OP may well be entering the perimenopause. I have got two kids through their teen years in my mid-40s and felt pretty burnt out afterwards. I couldn’t imagine doing it with 4, all with different step parents/step siblings.

You had your first baby at 22 OP and since then you’ve had another baby, split up with the dad, met someone knew, moved in together, mixed up the families and got engaged. And you’re only 31.

Take. A. Breath.

As many other pp have said, what matters here is the existing children and their emotional needs and happiness.

Many parents of "blended family" children think their children are a lot happier with the situation than is actually the case.

Can’t see how it’d be in the interests of the 4DC, on top of the changes they’ve experienced. Now or in the future (teen years etc)

Don’t do it. We decided not too it was the right decision. Blending a family is hard work and keeping it together is harder, we’ve had some really hard times and I’m glad we didn’t have another to consider

Presume you can afford a 6 bedroom house as they won't want to share and 5x Uni fees?

And, how on earth are you going to take them all on holiday?

OP has said she can afford all that, but guess what, lots of people cant afford it and children share bedrooms and not all kids go to university and if their parents cant afford it if they do go, they make up the finances by part time working or a larger loan.

Its not a requirement for those things to be in place to have kids.

OP you are 31. You have time.

Arrangements made now are not necessarily set in stone. I’m guessing you’ve got at least a 5 bedroomed house, but you’ll need to have at least 6 and a couple of receptions to allow kids some space from each other.

I agree parking the issue for now is a good idea. See how things settle. At 31 and with proven fertility, you can afford to wait.

You and him already have 4 young kids aged 3,5,7 and 9 between you. You have known him 2 years and he has already moved it with you. Both sets of kids have had to deal with there parents break up. They then have to see mammy and daddy with new partners. They are now going between your home and the other parents home and have had to deal with older or younger kids there also.

You need to think what the best thing for the kids we already have. You need to consider what you need to do to keep your current relationship lasting long term.
Not to mention what happens if your next child has special needs and how it could effect you, your partner and the kids that are already here.

Along with this due to your current childcare arrangements you and your partner get some child free time regularly. What happens if these arrangements have to change? What happens if the other parent can't mind there kids for a period of time, gets sick ect?

You don't know what could happen in the future. Also your kids are young and your 9 year old will be going to secondary school in the next 2-3 years. I have several friends with kids at secondary school and university. They have all had challenges with there kids at various stages. Along with this they said the cost of food, school uniforms, sports gear, runners ect are high and getting more expensive each year.
The university years are very expensive and getting accomodation in university cities can be hard. I know one couple that bought a house for there kid's in a university city and rent out rooms in this as well to pay the mortgage.

In your situation I would not have another child.
As your kids get older then expenses get higher and different challenges can present themselves and they may need more one to one time. You may find that having some child free time when the kids are with the other parent gives you a much need break later on.

Not a requirement but I know that I sure as heck wanted my children to have their own bedrooms; do all the school trips; go on lovely holidays; and be able to go to university without taking on massive loans. Each to their own I suppose.

Well, precisely. The mindset of continuing to have kids when the finite resources don’t stretch beyond giving each of them the bare minimum baffles me.
The lack of aspiration is quite sad.

Your blended family of four young children sounds enough to be going on with for now! You've gone at a speed but that doesn't mean it all can't be a success long term

But why the rush for a fifth child - at 31 and 38 you are both still young yourselves

IMO, you and your partner should give your existing four children a bit of breathing space and full attention

This.

The kids have no idea how they feel, they’re far too young for the impact to show right now.

Don’t tie yourself to the man with another baby. Right now you can prioritise your kids when needed.

A as We have 5 , husband has 1 19 year old from his first marriage , I have 2 from mine 23 and 10 then we had 2 together 4 and a week old . But mine don’t see their dad and DSS comes to us when he wants too and we have q great relationship.
For us was an easy enough decision to make, we could still afford holidays , have a big enough house and big enough cars . 3 younger ones are still far enough from uni that we can save and we live in Scotland so cost is much smaller anyway , we could have a baby without taking much from the others . We also each changed to working 4 days a week instead of 5 so we could support them .
Basically only you know what’s best but do take your other kids in consideration as it’s a big change . You are only 31 so plenty of time , we had to decide fast as we are both in ours 40s already

Aren’t there enough people in the World without you bringing another one into it? Why can’t you just be grateful for the kids you have. It’s a crazy idea. Your kids are growing up and they need all your time and attention. For heaven’s sake give it to them.

Thats not entirely fair. His ex could have cheated

From experience, blended families are complicated, with a lot of emotional baggage, I would definitely not add another child.

No way do that , it’s bonkers idea

Do it!
always regret not having child with second husband in blended family of 4.
and we could easily have coped. I thought I might be too old at the time. I was 40. No one would blink now.
Do it x

I think it would be bad for the kids you do have already

No. You havnt been togther overly long. Its difficult negotiating jealously from kids moving between homes etc.

Id worry massively that other kids would feel pushed out that a child gets to live permanently with one mum and dad

I agree with lots of what you say but do kids really expect parents to pay for their drivings licences cars and insurances at 17 ? Come on that’s just sheer entitlement. I can afford too and there is no way I will give a car to any of mine until I know they can afford their own insurance , petrol and maintenance . When will they learn to grow and take responsibilities? They can have a car when they can afford to buy one and maintain it !

Why has she made herself vulnerable for meeting someone and making a life with them? Why does that make her DD vulnerable?
After reading all of OP’s posts I can’t see why she shouldn’t have a child. Blended families exist, we don’t all live in perfect families who stay together forever. I think the OP is the best judge of how her children are currently coping and the fact she is carefully weighing up the options of whether to go ahead or not shows she is of sound mind and capable of making grown up decisions.
the number of posts that have immediately jumped on it being the man’s fault that the relationship broke down so soon after having a baby, they need to read all of the posts.