Would having a fifth child in our blended family be unrealistic?

[AmITotallyBonkers]

I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 years. We are engaged and live together. He has two DSS (3) and (5). I have DD (9) and DD (7). I am 31 and he is 38. I work part time school hours and he works full time half from home.

We have DSSs T W Th Night Week 1 and F S S Night Week 2. We have DD until Friday school pick up during Week 1 they are returned Sunday morning. Week 2 they don’t see their DF.

Would I be totally crazy to have another? We have the room at home and financial flexibility. Does anyone actually have 5 kids?!

As to not drip feed, life is busy but enjoyable, sometimes chaotic but worth it.

Yes it would be crazy. You barely know this man for a start and your current living arrangement is already new and fragile. Why would you add in another half sibling for your children to resent as gets to have one home, and another complicated childcare arrangement when you inevitably split up

I have to say I’d wait until all the current dcs are at school, doing after school clubs, invitted to birthday parties etc….

see how you’re going to handle holidays - I’m assuming you’d want to go altogether. How will it work if the dcs are at their respective other parent on opposite weekends - and all those times when the needs and interests of the various children clash.

Thats assuming you both get on well with your respective exes too.

Then see everyone really settles down re combining families.
i suspect your dds, being older, will have told you if things don’t feel right with having the two boys and DP there. But your DP children, being younger, might ‘reveal’ theyre struggling later on, when they have the words for it iyswim.

Completely agree with @KilkennyCats here. You are not engaged if you have no plans to get married. It’s just a pretty ring and an instagram post.

I give people 6 months grace after getting engaged to start actively making wedding plans before I start to lose interest. Once a year has passed with nothing booked, I no longer consider them engaged until such point they demonstrate otherwise.

I think you should wait 2 more years to see how it is going and then decide

You have your hands full, at the moment with his children as well as your own, wait a couple of more years.

Does he pay well towards his own children’s time/keep at your house or is it lost in the general way of the household? Is he really a hands on dad to all the children or does he leave a lot to you as you have to do it already for your own children?

You say you have rentals so you have money coming in.
Protect your and your own childrens’ home so that he can’t claim that you made hime and his children homeless if things don’t work out.
Also protect your children through a will.
Keep a trace of the bills you pay, especially those dealing with the house.

I understand your thinking completely and I agree with you. However, there are those who will insist on referring to their partner as their fiancé even when there's no intention of getting married and the word 'fiancé' is clearly being misused.

Mine has a job but doesn’t earn enough to pay the difference on the car insurance (our car, her as a named driver, not her own car) and for driving lessons. If they’re in full time work that’s different, but when they’re still at school it’s unrealistic to expect them to cover every expense themselves.

We also live rurally so a driving licence is an essential- if we were in London or somewhere with decent public transport it would be more of a nice to have.

But has one person in the relationship actually asked the other to “marry me?”

I think you are doing brilliantly and sometimes throwing out an important question like this can make you see clearly what you deeply want. So if you are sad that everyone says no / glad when someone says go for it then I think you know. Or vice versa You only have your girls part time he only has his sons part time, you can afford it then perhaps have a couple more. Or not.

It's quite possibly misappropriation of the term - but I guess that no one can force them not to use the word.

Conversely, I recall bristling when someone referred to my late husband of 27 years as my 'partner' while I was still organising his funeral.

Yep. I went to an engagement party ten years ago. Those people didn't get married so nobody considers them engaged any more.

Its already too messy a situation.
As the kids get older, it will get messier and messier as they will reject some step parents and possibly choose to live in different houses with different sets of parents.
Don't add another child into the mix.

There is no such thing as a blended family. It ends up like oil and water despite what the parents claim.

Exactly this - driving lessons are £80 for 2 hours in some areas. Even if a young person is working, they are unlikely to be able to afford it working 12 hours a week stacking shelves in Sainsburys. I think driving lessons are one of those things that you should do your utmost to facilitate as a parent - it’s such an important life skill and puts your child at such a disadvantage if they are unable to drive

This.

I just don't understand this compulsion to have children with every relationship.

I didn’t say it was his fault at all. But this does prove that you think you know someone, then….

You obviously don’t read a lot of MN if you think this one will have a happy ending with more children being thrown into the mix.

I always wonder this when people say they are financially stable! It’s not just the university fees, it’s the drivers licenses, the hobbies, help with their mortgage. Wedding, grandchildren etc if it ever came to that

Not a good idea.

After 2 years, and he left his last partner when she'd not long had both his babies? Yes I think it would be crazy!

It's very MN to think you have to buy your child's home/give them the deposit. Pretty common for parents not to pay for weddings any more too.

What on earth.

Why?? Bring another kid into a shit show? Just no.

Blended family rarely works out, and a joint child means you are glued to him and his kids, forever

RTFT. SHE decided she prefered a female partner.

I could never but if you can afford them, you do you isn’t it?

Goodness me no. The planet isn’t going to be able to feed and shelter all of us by 2050. ☹️

My husband split with his first wife when my now grown step son was a toddler. She was cheating on him with multiple people. As well as being a terrible wife, she was a terrible parent and our step son has lived with us since he was 7, and hasn't seen his "mother" in years.
Its not always the man's choice or fault. The OP has said the mother realised she wasn't in to men. I don't think OPs partner could do much about that!

Absolutely not.