Proposal - he has a ring but I’m sick of waiting

[CurlyOldGirly]

I know that proposals aren’t the be all and end all. But I am desperate to marry my partner and so is he (so he says pretty much every day).
Ring exists because I’ve come across it when I saw the box in his suitcase when we went on holiday last year. But we had issues on holiday (not with each other) with our villa so i can see why he didn’t do it there. We had a few days of just being super disappointed with certain problems we had with our holiday let and then I had an allergic reaction to something so literally there wasn’t a window that I know he could have used.

he has said when it happens he wants to do it properly. He knows I don’t care for a massive show and I don’t want money being spent to make it happen. I really hate stuff like that. All I want is some thought.

I’m just at a point now where I’m getting more and more pissed that he hasn’t managed to just work out a romantic way to do it. I’m not asking for instagram worthy, just take me on a trip to a bloody lake or a pretty looking forest that’s free to visit and get down on a knee or something.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home. This is the only thing I’ve actually ever wanted in our relationship to be just a little bit special. I’ve been married before and it was all pretty shit and I was never made to feel loved the way I wished to be. DP is so loving and affectionate, I can’t understand why he hasn’t just bitten the bullet or even found a way to make it happen

what do I say to him? Should I have a chat with him? because it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring and I’m just getting fed up. I’m getting to a point where I just question if he even wants this any more.

Gosh I’m sorry this is long, I guess I needed to vent more than I thought I did.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home

I genuinely don’t understand this. Why would this not be just as special or meaningful?

I'm sorry I don't understand why, if you both want to get married and you have the engagement ring, why you just don't start wearing the ring and tell everyone you are engaged.
What is the point in not?
Engagement and marriage is about how you feel about each other not about performative romantic gestures.

If you’ve agreed to get married you are engaged. Why is that bogus?

He’s being absolutely pathetic though if he’s got a ring, knows it’s important to you and has already agreed to get married. Why do you think he’s not asking?

I also genuinely don't get why one needs to ask the other. You've made a joint decision, enjoy your relationship, the love and the ring.

DH never proposed - we both decided we wanted to be together. No ring, no phoney staged occasion. 30 years later, we’re still going strong.

I'm sorry you're being pretty ridiculous. Especially for a second marriage! Woman up and ask him when he wants to get married and please can you have your ring now!

This op. You do sound a bit precious about it, it's no longer a surprise so why all the faff.

You’re both being ridiculous. You both want to get married, so have a conversation about it and get the wedding booked.

I don't understand this either. If you've agreed you're getting married then presumably you're already engaged? Just start planning the wedding and, if you're bothered about the ring, ask him to hand it over. The important thing here is the future marriage.

I can’t quite 100% pinpoint why. But it’s just that one thing I want.the idea that he’s thought about the things I love and stitched them into a proposal.

I spent years nurturing someone else who never ever did the same for me. In my previous marriage and the relationship leading up to it, my ex pretty much stripped me of my identity. For example hated the kind of music I like listening to so I never listened to it any more because I couldn’t play it in the house or in the car. He hated my taste in movies or tv. He didn’t like me wearing certain clothes, he took the piss out of every aspect of my personality. Yet I spent years taking him to football matches for example because that was something he was passionate about but I was not because it made him happy.

I spent years with someone who didn’t actual give a shit about the things that I loved or made me happy. He even proposed to me by taking me to his own hometown because he was in love with that place but to me it meant nothing. So he only served himself and his own happiness

when we split I knew I wouldn’t let myself settle for someone who didn’t give a thought to who I am as a person. My DP is so fucking incredible and I just cannot wait to take that next step together. I just owe it to myself to stand for one small thing that I want - a private proposal with just the smallest layer of thought put in. I know he will do it I’m just at a loss as to why it hasn’t happened.. I’m at a point where I wonder if he’s just not bothered.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home

Ah. I’ll let my husband of a decade know the marriage started with a “bogus thing” of us agreeing to marry each other without any pre planned insta worthy coordination or flare. We thought it was fun and romantic, I’m sad to hear it wasn’t real in some way. Poor us.

i asked my husband to marry me while out watching a band , I think it went something like - god this band are shite should we get married but he agreed. There was no ring for a few weeks and I had to stick it on my credit card for him to pay me back. That was 15 years ago , we were married within 5 months and have weathered a lot of storms together.

Point is the proposal isn’t the main thing , if you want to get married then do something about it before the resentment end up destroying your relationship

I know it is ridiculous. It’s the only teeny tiny thing I want. I do feel ashamed.. I just don’t know what to do with my feelings about it.
i appreciate your response thank you for being candid

OP on MN anyone who wants to ‘get engaged’ is treated like a silly child, even though the vast majority of the replies are coming from woman who were proposed to, most likely.

In fairness after nine months I’d be getting a bit impatient too. You’re not really being unreasonable IMO.

it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring

Very strange. Either he's changed his mind or it's a control thing and he enjoys keeping you on edge, wondering if he'll deem you worthy enough to propose to.

I think you need to question whether he wants to propose and get married. If he really wanted to, he’d have done it by now.

I think this is it.

Im starting to feel some sort of resentment. There’s not much effort made into dates any more when i think about it. So I thinking a part of me wonders if this is it. This is where it gets dull. The proposal is the last time some effort is put in because after that you don’t need to make massive or romantic gestures so to speak do you?! (Of course you should but it seems to be the last time for most!)

I do wonder a lot of the time, if he can’t even be arsed to do this does this mean his efforts in keeping this alive are also waning. Are we just coasting now?

I think you’re right.

I don’t know why this has bought tears to my eyes. Maybe im just fooling myself.

It’s this and it’s cruel.

Are you absolutely sure he’s as wonderful as you think OP? No other red flags?

OP due to your previous crappy relationship it sounds as if you could be building this proposal moment up into something that your DP may not be able to live up to. You're putting a lot of pressure on the situation. I genuinely don't see why asking someone to marry you while you're lying in bed on a Saturday morning is less romantic than a picnic in a forest or by a lake or whatever it is you're hoping for.

I may sound foolish but his personality isn’t like this whatsoever. But don’t get me wrong I have thought this before.

He started a new business a few months ago so I know he was incredibly stressed but the last 2-3 months have been going well so mentally I know he’s in a better place.

The higher likelihood is that he’s struggling with how to do it and to not give it away because I can sniff anything out like a bloodhound.

I could be wrong. I just don’t know what to think anymore

You’re putting pressure on your partner to correct the wrongs of your ex.
Or… you’re not entirely sure how important you are to you partner, and you need a showy proposal to prove you wrong?
Do you think your partner hasn’t proposed because he feels under pressure from you to do it in a specific way? Or do you think that he isn’t sure he wants to get married?

You just need to speak to him and find out where you stand. You've seen the ring nine months ago so you need to talk honestly about why he's not proposed. The surprise is ruined anyway so I can sort of see why it's in limbo. I think proposals should happen out of the blue or not at all - I don't get the pre planning of them (as in, the woman tells the man to book a particular holiday to propose on and she knows in advance which seems to the thing with the youngsters at work now!) It's all a bit odd and misses the point of the whole thing. If you want to marry him talk to him now and sort this out.

Or perhaps you could just be an adult and talk to him about it. The way both of you are behaving doesn’t bode well for a successful marriage.