Proposal - he has a ring but I’m sick of waiting

[CurlyOldGirly]

I know that proposals aren’t the be all and end all. But I am desperate to marry my partner and so is he (so he says pretty much every day).
Ring exists because I’ve come across it when I saw the box in his suitcase when we went on holiday last year. But we had issues on holiday (not with each other) with our villa so i can see why he didn’t do it there. We had a few days of just being super disappointed with certain problems we had with our holiday let and then I had an allergic reaction to something so literally there wasn’t a window that I know he could have used.

he has said when it happens he wants to do it properly. He knows I don’t care for a massive show and I don’t want money being spent to make it happen. I really hate stuff like that. All I want is some thought.

I’m just at a point now where I’m getting more and more pissed that he hasn’t managed to just work out a romantic way to do it. I’m not asking for instagram worthy, just take me on a trip to a bloody lake or a pretty looking forest that’s free to visit and get down on a knee or something.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home. This is the only thing I’ve actually ever wanted in our relationship to be just a little bit special. I’ve been married before and it was all pretty shit and I was never made to feel loved the way I wished to be. DP is so loving and affectionate, I can’t understand why he hasn’t just bitten the bullet or even found a way to make it happen

what do I say to him? Should I have a chat with him? because it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring and I’m just getting fed up. I’m getting to a point where I just question if he even wants this any more.

Gosh I’m sorry this is long, I guess I needed to vent more than I thought I did.

Agreed. I mean, 9 months?!

He’s either being a bit pathetic about the whole thing, or he’s enjoying the control. Both are horrendous.

God I find this all so depressingly self absorbent.
if you want to get married just bloody tell him and get on with it.

No offence to you OP but I read a thread the other day where the OP was upset that her DP hadn’t hired a photographer to film his proposal or some such nonsense.

Getting married is about 2 people deciding they want to spend the rest of their lives together everything else is just such mindless self absorbent bullshit.

I agree. I’ve always been that type of person where the place doesn’t matter. The person does.

But he knows it’s the only thing I’ve actually ever spoken to him about. The only thing I’ve said I’d love to have.

We have had so many moments that could have been perfect. We went to Scotland recently (my idea but I wouldn’t have cared) where we stopped in the highlands and had breathtaking views around us. We went to see our favourite band, I thought he would do it there (but not in front of everyone). Went to a festival and camped which was a first for me ever as I’ve neither been to a festival nor camped and I had the time of my life and he organised that all. Went to a country gig (we are not really country fans) but the artist had an incredibly beautiful love song we have loved for years and he could have asked while that was happening. Went and saw an old classic movie in the cinema, my favourite film of all time, even that would have been the perfect place.

So I don’t need a moment to be made. I just wish some of those were used.

Maybe I am asking for too much. I can’t stop seeing the words another poster typed up thread about showing he wanted to he would have by now

I think the longer it's taking and the more fed up you get the more "special" it has to be. You've also put so many rules on the process and how you have to feel about- not in the house, but also not over the top, special, but not too expensive. I feel a bit sorry for someone who has to fulfil all that and I suspect you'd find something to be disappointed about whatever the poor sod does.

Alternatively, he could have changed his mind and he's stringing you along with how special it's going to be.

Is it really depressingly self absorbent though? I just want it to be romantic. Not cameras. No flowers. Just effort.

we both want to get married but is it really the end of the world and self absorbent if I, in our 6/7 years together have only asked for one thing and it be a proposal? Outside of this I’m a busy mum to my DD. It’s just one thing I want.

i guess you can say it is self absorbent but if he knows it’s the one thing I want, should that not matter?

Don’t you think that saying this is the only thing you want or have asked him for is a bit sad and selling yourself a lot short? And that once you’ve had your proposal you’ll never ask him for anything again? How would you imagine wedding planning would go?

You’re piling a massive amount of pressure onto it and he’s either got cold feet because he doesn’t think whatever he does will meet your expectations, or he’s not fussed about marrying you and thinks he can keep you hanging around on best behaviour not rocking the boat while he takes his bloody time. Neither bodes well.

OP, people can be a bit mean on here so don’t take it to heart. I think it’s reasonable after 9 months to wonder what the fuck he’s doing and start to question things.

But at the end of the day, you only have two choices. Ask him outright or continue to wait. Neither is very appealing but you have to pick one.

Perhaps he's waiting as he's aware what a big deal it is to you, and is worried everything will go wrong if it doesn't live up to expectations? He's waiting for the perfect set up. Oh the irony.

My suggestion: say to him you really want to announce you're engaged in June and not wait any longer. Ask him to plan a day out in June to have the proposal moment. Say he shouldn't worry too much as it'll be a wonderful day wherever it is. And stick with that.

Yes, its ridiculous.
You want to marry him, just say so.
If you've both told eachother you want to get married... Why aren't you booking it? Why do you feel the need to be "proposed to properly"?
I truly don't understand this. I don't mean to sound rude, but it's childish.
Your ex's faults are nothing to do with your new partners.
If you're feeling resentment, maybe that's a sign he's not the right man for you.

Oh gosh I think I needed to hear this. I think I indeed have put too much pressure and rules in place and objectively I do feel for him. He knows if he takes me anywhere remotely unplanned or even makes a suggestion I get sus.
You are so right, I feel like as the months are passing I need it to be even more special. I didn’t even realise that until now.

How do I remedy this? How can I get it out of my head? How do I take the pressure off my head and leave him breathing space to do this?

I almost feel like someone needs to fucking fix me and my head so I can just not care and just be happy for when it happens.

if the sky was falling down or if we were in WW3 if a man wants to commit to a woman, NOTHING will stop him. no issues wirh villas or wantin to do it ‘properly’
hes not that committed as he likes to think he is. more in love with the idea than the reality. tell him he has 1 month no proposal u walk brutal but hes wasting your life . good luck 🤞🏻 be brutal u will get the answer

I'm sorry to hear about how your ex-partner did not treat you well.
It sounds like your relationship with your new partner is so much better!

I can understand the wish to be proposed to.
But also, you have found the person that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, and he feels the same about you! That is so awesome in itself.

Can you talk to him about it? Does he know how important a proposal is to you?

I meant it as the only romantic demand I have made so to speak. He’s very attentive so I’ve never had to want for nothing or ask for anything.

i didn’t mean I won’t ask him for anything again 🤣

If its a teeny tiny thing then why are you making such a big deal out of it?!

From what you say here, I totally understand. But if you’ve said this sort of thing to your DP, he is probably nervous about it being perfect and enough and what you want. This is quite a lot of pressure even if it seems small to you who knows exactly what you would like.

I think don’t have a chat with him, be patient and take the pressure off and just enjoy it when it happens 🥰

9 months he’s had this ring?? On a trip, over Valentine’s Day, potentially over your birthday or anniversary as well?

I wouldn’t be able to do anything other than ask him what was going on.
But I’m afraid I’m also someone who just decided to get married and that was it, so I’m maybe not the romantic you’re looking for.

he’s struggling with how to do it and to not give it away because I can sniff anything out like a bloodhound.

Christ you sound like hard work to propose to.

I guess I just want what I want.
I listed the things with my ex more so that you can see why I’m so certain about this one thing. But i can see how I just look like an ungrateful tit.

i think i need to just get over it and just see what happens in the coming weeks.

Ill be honest i think when it happens i wont even be that arsed and that’s the thing that scares me most.

I might have a chat with him tomorrow. He’s already clocked on that something is up

Sorry you feel like this OP. Can you refocus on to having a wonderful wedding which truly reflects who you are? I do think that your DP may not be able to read your mind and ‘see’ all these opportunities you do. Or maybe he’s paralysed by the expectation?

Can you calmly and kindly move the engagement on and plan the romantic, individual wedding of your choice? It would be a shame to ruin your relationship over this.

Big gesture engagements were not a thing in my day. But my DH shows me he loves me in the support he gives me and the life and family we’ve created together. That’s more important surely?

Why don't you do it if he's taking his time? You be the romantic one? You shouldn't judge your partner against your old one either. You already said your current parter is fabulous in many ways so there's not more you need is there?

Go think of a setting/thing you can do and go propose and have an amazing life together. The latter part is the only really important part after all.

Just have a conversation with him about whether he still wants to get married and plan the wedding. The marriage is the important bit, not the proposal. It all sounds excruciating.

I speak as someone who's married but who didn't have a proposal and who doesn't have an engagement ring. When I read stuff like this, I'm glad we didn't bother.

What happens if he asks you and it doesn’t meet your expectations?

Is he ever going to be able to meet your expectations?

It’s hard to be romantic if you are worried that you have to reach some specific but unstated standard.

Engagements aren’t important.
Weddings aren’t important.
The marriage is what is important.

Performative “romance” isn’t what builds a strong marriage. Strong marriages are based on kindness, trust, shared values, a sense of humour and friendship.

From what you have said it seems to me that the main issue is the surprise element. He seems to think it must be a surprise but what you actually want is something that shows he put some thought in and that makes you feel special. And you could live without it being a surprise. Is that right?

If it is then tell him that. Because trying to keep a proposal a surprise when you know he has the ring and he knows you want something special is impossible. You need to pick one - a surprise (which will take ages) or something special -and he needs to know what that choice is.

I'd also go with @PullTheBricksDown idea of giving him a month and just taking the pressure off by asking him to organise a nice event.

The only thing you want and he hasnt done it.
he doesnt want to do it.

move on.

I think you are so right.

I have tears in my eyes. I grew up in a Punjabi household and this wasn’t the cultural norm. But it’s the one ‘British’ or ‘Western’ tradition I have always loved and wanted to experience. However marriage is and always will be so much more important and I know I’ll look back and think this was such a pathetic way to have felt

i really appreciate your reply I think you couldn’t be more right in what I should be focusing on. I just need to somehow mentally get there! It’s just so difficult to change my headspace in an instant