Proposal - he has a ring but I’m sick of waiting

[CurlyOldGirly]

I know that proposals aren’t the be all and end all. But I am desperate to marry my partner and so is he (so he says pretty much every day).
Ring exists because I’ve come across it when I saw the box in his suitcase when we went on holiday last year. But we had issues on holiday (not with each other) with our villa so i can see why he didn’t do it there. We had a few days of just being super disappointed with certain problems we had with our holiday let and then I had an allergic reaction to something so literally there wasn’t a window that I know he could have used.

he has said when it happens he wants to do it properly. He knows I don’t care for a massive show and I don’t want money being spent to make it happen. I really hate stuff like that. All I want is some thought.

I’m just at a point now where I’m getting more and more pissed that he hasn’t managed to just work out a romantic way to do it. I’m not asking for instagram worthy, just take me on a trip to a bloody lake or a pretty looking forest that’s free to visit and get down on a knee or something.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home. This is the only thing I’ve actually ever wanted in our relationship to be just a little bit special. I’ve been married before and it was all pretty shit and I was never made to feel loved the way I wished to be. DP is so loving and affectionate, I can’t understand why he hasn’t just bitten the bullet or even found a way to make it happen

what do I say to him? Should I have a chat with him? because it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring and I’m just getting fed up. I’m getting to a point where I just question if he even wants this any more.

Gosh I’m sorry this is long, I guess I needed to vent more than I thought I did.

I grew up in a Punjabi household and this wasn’t the cultural norm. But it’s the one ‘British’ or ‘Western’ tradition I have always loved and wanted to experience.

Have you ever said this to him exactly as you have said here? Does he know that this particular facet is really important?

I think this is a bit of a 'clash in cultural perspective' problem.

You want him to demonstrate he loves you in the typical way western culture finds important. You are from a culture where there is a direct link between the outward symbolisms and rituals of marriage and how highly you are valued as the Bride. Possibly?

I am from a culture where the two ideas are definitely linked. Display equals importance.

In the modern west there's increasingly been a break from this. A wedding is just a wedding. Whether it's small or large or cheap or expensive, or whether the proposal is well thought out and intentioned within a romantic vista, or simply a ring placed on a breakfast tray along with your eggs, beans and coffee is neither symbolic of how highly you are valued as a potential bride or a sign of how important the act of getting married is.

But in other cultures those things are still very strongly linked. You want your partner to show how much he cares about marrying you in the best way his culture demonstrates this. You don't want a massive thing. But you do still want the thing. A ring on a breakfast tray isn't cutting it.

I believe you also wish it to be symbolic of the break from what you had before.

So psychologically, if I'm even halfway correct, there is more riding on this than your partner realises. Or he does realise (in which case good boyfriend) and that's what the hold up is.

But I have a slight misgivings that it has taken him this long, so I do not suggest you say anything that might exert pressure on him to give you the ring, as he may genuinely be reconsidering making the commitment. But to be frank 6 years should be long enough for him to be certain!

A bit more patience. Give yourself a time frame after which you settle for a discussion and him getting the ring out and putting it on your finger there and then.

Op, if you've been sat there stewing with resentment every night it is quite possible he may now not be sure about marrying you.

But the only way you'll know is by actually starting a conversation on it.

If he wanted to, he would.

I wouldn't tell hin that you saw the ring.

I would sit him down this weekend and ask him what he wants out of this relationship.
If he hums and haws and uses delay tactics then I would warm him that I'm not waiting much longer.
If he didn't propose fairly sharpish after that, within a month, then I would call it a day.

He knows you want to get married. To leave you danging is cruel and I wouldn't want to be with a man like that.

I would give him another 3 months. It depends on a few things though, you haven’t said your ages or if you have children or plan to. I think if you are in your 20s I think it’s fine to wait a little.

Life is happening while you’re making your plans.

I haven't read the full thread but I have read all your responses. I can see a couple of potential ways forward.

either you sit down and clear the air with him, talk about how you are feeling and how he is feeling and how you are keen to move to that next stage of being engaged and when / how will that happen.

or if you want a slightly less direct approach (although this may not work and could still build up resentment), could you focus on suggesting or planning nice days out / places to eat. Focus on nice things you could do together which might take some of the pressure away from him if hes been building up a list of what he shouldn't do, rather than a list of what might work.

if you can't speak directly and the other option just keeps building resentment, perhaps consider if you can get any support / counselling to work through the issues in your past relationship and if any negative cycles are still impacting on you today. You can't control others, only your own mindset and actions.

Erm in on the if he was going to he would have by now, my dh proposed 3 days after getting ring all a suprise I had no idea went for a nice walk and a meal and ye got married 31 days later and still very happy 16 years on.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. What it boils down to is that you have told him that something is special to you. You haven't asked for lots of money to be spent on it, just that a little thought go into it. That really isn't too much to ask.

But I'd stop thinking that it's been nine months. Given the stuff with the business, it's perhaps really only been two or three. And you said there hasn't been much effort with dates anymore but listed a whole load of lovely events you've been to over the past few months.

I do think you should talk to him, and just tell him that you understand that he wants to surprise you, but it's been nine months and he knows you saw the ring. He needs to think about how you are feeling, waiting nine months for something that hasn't happened. That you understand the stress with the business, but that you don't want to keep living in limbo. I would just say that if he still wants to get married, then you'd appreciate him demonstrating that and not leaving you hanging, and that if he's having any doubts, to let you know so you can address the situation and potentially move on.

If he knows how much this means to you and that the scenario has got to be perfect, he must be feeling really anxious about it being the right time and place.

You might have to drop this expectation Because you have built it up into such a big thing. There is much more to marriage than a romantic proposal. It’s time for you both to sit down and talk about your future together. Communication is vital in a good marriage.

I do feel like you’re expecting your DP to correct everything that was wrong with your previous DH. It sounds like DP is doing everything to make you feel loved in an every day, natural way. That’s what matters. Don’t let the lack of a a proposal taint that and resentment creep in.

That said, tell him to get on with it! Don’t sit there quietly seething. You’ll poison what sounds like a good relationship

You say you can sniff anything out like a bloodhound if when he plans something unusual…are you actually guessing out loud to him when you think he might do it? So he may have previously planned it and then you ruin the surprise?

Either way, I think you’re past the point of spontaneity. You need to ask him why he hasn’t proposed in 9 months of having the ring. It’s quite odd.

Are you sure he still has the ring?

You say he took it on holiday but that you had a rough time on holiday which led to no proposal which to you was understandable.

Is it possible that he at that point had a rethink once he decided he wasn’t ready to propose after all and returned the ring?

If he’s had the ring for nine months and still hasn’t proposed it’s unlikely he’s going to. So either he’s a game player holding this ring as a “it’s going to happen honest” type of control, or alternatively the holiday made him rethink and he returned it.

Either way he doesn’t want to marry you or he would have proposed once he bought the ring. Nobody holds on to an engagement ring for nearly a year.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Frankly, I think it all sounds a bit bonkers, BUT if he knows he could easily do something that would make you happy, even if he thinks it’s bonkers too, then the fact that he doesn’t just do it means he’s probably not the incredible man you think he is.

In this case though, the OP appears to have put a lot of pressure on her DP to get it just right, in a goldiocks zone of it being special, but not too special, and that this is the one thing that he really needs to nail and anticipate perfectly what she would like.

To make it worse, the OP appears to be on tenterhooks, anticipating every moment they could turn into the “big, but not too big, event”.

It is ridiculous that he has waited nine months to plan this though. However, the man does have my sympathies.

OP, I’m afraid you’re your own worst enemy here. You need to talk to your DP and reset the whole thing.

But he can’t “easily” do what the OP wants. The OP has said it needs to be special, and is the one thing she needs him to get “just right”. In many ways what the OP seems to be requiring is much more demanding than a usual big proposal.

One other thing, OP, you said he doesn’t seem to make much effort with dates any more. If you’re years into a relationship, what are you expecting? If you’re still expecting “dates” at this stage, and that are to be all roses and romantic surprises, then it makes me wonder whether you’re more high maintenance than you’re letting on, which would tie in with your proposal expectations.

My DP and I have a lot of great times together, but we don’t go on “dates”, with all the expectations associated with them…. We make an effort, but we just do stuff.

DH1 proposed halfway up a mountain. DH2 one morning, with a face covered in shaving foam. No pressure from me either time. All this anticipation is ridiculous.

Exactly. OP, you appear to be doing a great job of self-sabotaging here.

This!
I think your poor partner has a lot to live up to & he probably feels under pressure to get the moment just right, especially if he didn’t propose on your holiday & now knows you’ve seen the ring box.

Just take the pressure off and relax. Why don’t you book a nice weekend away somewhere for the two of you and see what happens? I don’t mean anything extravagant, you mentioned it doesn’t need to be a big grand gesture & you’d prefer a lake or something. So why not just book a relaxing weekend in a little cabin or shepherds hut, do some walking & take a picnic. Just enjoy a breather & spending time together. See what happens. You can start the conversation yourself in those moments (not by asking if he’s ever going to do it!).

This ^ x 1000

No, please don’t do that. You’ll have a crap three months of building anxiety and resentment and then what… Just talk to him and explain to him what you’ve written on here, and clear the air and reset the whole situation. If he has changed his mind then at least it will give him an opportunity to tell you.

@CurlyOldGirly someone i knew waited years to propose and he only did it because she started hinting she was going to propose to him. He'd carried that ring around for years. He just wanted things to be perfect and it never felt like the right time. They ended up splitting soon after anyway. I think you've been scarred, and the ultimate feeling for you is if he proposes. Id probably be the same. And maybe youre scared deep down that he doesn't really want to, which will leave you back where you were before.

Id sit him down and ask him if this is for the long haul

This. The man absolutely cannot win. Your expectations have ruined any chance of the proposal actually going how you want it to.

He probably doesn't want to propose. I wouldn't, under these circumstances. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you! Have the conversation!!

I think even if your DP planned the ‘perfect’ proposal you would be disappointed in some aspect of it, and he knows this. He can’t win.

If you want to stop feeling miserable about it sit down with him, admit to him how ridiculous you’ve been, with all your rules (because you have been), and apologise to him. See where the conversation takes you after that.

Honesty is the most important thing here. Without it your resentment will ruin this relationship anyway and it would be better not to be married if you split up.

I’m very glad that you managed to leave your ex and started something new. He sounds great. So why not tell him exactly what you wrote here?

My DP is so fucking incredible and I just cannot wait to take that next step together. I just owe it to myself to stand for one small thing that I want - a private proposal with just the smallest layer of thought put in.

DP: you are the love of my life, I can’t wait to get married to you, start planning the wedding, tell the world that we have decided to make that commitment. As you know I would love a small, romantic proposal.

and then you see how he reacts.