Proposal - he has a ring but I’m sick of waiting

[CurlyOldGirly]

I know that proposals aren’t the be all and end all. But I am desperate to marry my partner and so is he (so he says pretty much every day).
Ring exists because I’ve come across it when I saw the box in his suitcase when we went on holiday last year. But we had issues on holiday (not with each other) with our villa so i can see why he didn’t do it there. We had a few days of just being super disappointed with certain problems we had with our holiday let and then I had an allergic reaction to something so literally there wasn’t a window that I know he could have used.

he has said when it happens he wants to do it properly. He knows I don’t care for a massive show and I don’t want money being spent to make it happen. I really hate stuff like that. All I want is some thought.

I’m just at a point now where I’m getting more and more pissed that he hasn’t managed to just work out a romantic way to do it. I’m not asking for instagram worthy, just take me on a trip to a bloody lake or a pretty looking forest that’s free to visit and get down on a knee or something.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home. This is the only thing I’ve actually ever wanted in our relationship to be just a little bit special. I’ve been married before and it was all pretty shit and I was never made to feel loved the way I wished to be. DP is so loving and affectionate, I can’t understand why he hasn’t just bitten the bullet or even found a way to make it happen

what do I say to him? Should I have a chat with him? because it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring and I’m just getting fed up. I’m getting to a point where I just question if he even wants this any more.

Gosh I’m sorry this is long, I guess I needed to vent more than I thought I did.

I appreciate your absolute knife in the throat approach haha.
thank you I think I do need to understand this could be quite likely now.

He's probably feeling immense pressure about absolutely everything you do together because you want it to be THE moment. Every time you go on holiday or to the park or a gig, or for a walk, he's potentially carrying a sense of dread about it because he knows you'll be primed for him to propose. Who would want to do so under those circumstances?

He's probably hoping that one day you'll forget about being proposed to, he'll sense that, and then he'll feel relaxed enough to do it.

Your desperation could be a total turn off. Be careful that it doesn't start to affect everything and not just the proposal.

He’s kept you dangling for 9 months? Bloody hell, I think he’s changed his mind op. No one would wait that long if they were ready.

After nine months he needs to just get the fuck on with it. He blew the surprise element by letting you find the ring so I’m not sure why he’s being daft and arsing around not wanting you to know he’s about to do it. As you said, he just needs to drag you off to a meadow or beach or something and make it happen.

Tell him you’re not going to be caught off guard at this point no matter what he does so he needs to shit or get off the pot. 😂

nope no other red flags!

as I said upthread he started a new business shortly after and it was incredibly stressful, it took months to sort and there was some financial strains on the household because of it, it bled into Xmas also so it was quite a rough ride at the time but he was wonderful as ever at home during this but just incredibly stressed and I could see it affecting his sleep quite drastically too.

However it’s been a good 2-3 months of smooth sailing since so that’s what’s concerning.

I need to just be honest and have a chat with him rather than acting like Gollum

I was 'proposed' to in 2013 in my house, can't remember what he said but nothing fancy and he certainly didn't get down on one knee! We're still together but not married as had one set of shit circumstances after another stopping us, parent dying, covid, ill health etc.

There’s nothing wrong with having a fantasy of a perfect proposal.

Where you have to be careful is focusing on the proposal to the extent that you forget the point of the whole thing.

If he asked you snuggled up on the sofa one night why is that less valuable than asking you at a fancy restaurant? If you really love this man then however he proposes - it shouldn’t be a test you are grading him on.

Perhaps have an honest conversation with him about how you’ve been feeling, recognise that you’ve built it up into something it isn’t.

Honestly OP given your updates you really need to sit down and talk about your future together in an adult way.

If you are both making such a meal out of getting engaged i don't think.the marriage stands much of a chance- if you ever do get married that is.

Yikes it is desperation and seeing it written down I feel so much shame.

The thing is how do I slap myself out of this? I wake up everyday thinking I won’t let it get to me and by the evening I’m sat here stewing and feeling so much fucking resentment I just don’t know how to talk to him.

i think im the red flag

Really not his job to fix what went on in your previous relationship.

A sincere heartfelt proposal is what matters. Not where it’s said.

Just ask him to marry you.

I just want to wear the damn ring, I just don’t want to have to beg him for it! I know we have a great future together but this seems to be the only thing I can’t talk to him about. Marriage talk is normal between us but engagement is something I don’t talk about candidly and that is truly where it’s going wrong.

Have a conversation about whether you want to get married and, if you do, plan a wedding. Skip the engagement.

please no! I can’t and I won’t. And I think he would feel pretty fucking shit if I stole his thunder haha

Stole his thunder? What thunder? He can’t even be arsed to propose.

Heartfelt is what I want. I don’t wanna be dressed up for it or anything. Just some effort.

i think i need to let it go though. Like im building it too much, maybe at home on the sofa is the way

Would he though? Does he actually want this “thunder”, or is he just trying to live up to what you want?

@CurlyOldGirly It seems that your previous relationship had a big impact. It’s great that you’ve deliberately sought a much better partner. It’s not always easy to judge who’s worth your time when someone has done a number of your self esteem.

There are two things that I notice.

First, I hear a lot of language where you minimise what you want - e.g. ‘teeny tiny’ and this one thing - while also clearly saying how important the proposal is to you. The proposal is allowed to matter to you and it will probably help with the cognitive dissonance you’re feeling for you to own it. I can hear it in some of your responses as well - you’re quite quick to jump to self-criticism.

I wonder if you’ve used minimising language with your partner as well or possibly sent mixed messages, e.g. ‘I’d really love a proposal by a lake, but don’t worry it doesn’t really matter and I’ll just be happy to get engaged’. That’s not to suggest you’ve done anything wrong but just a question about communication. People who’ve been with controlling/abusive partners do sometimes get into a habit of minimising their own needs.
We can end up going around in circles in our heads because we know deep down that we want or need something, yet we question whether we deserve it, so also keep emphasising how ‘small’ the need is to justify it, and we can shy away from voicing it.

Secondly, I think you should seriously consider just asking him. Again, this can be linked to self esteem I think. We can tie ourselves in knots second guessing everything but ask yourself this - as an adult woman, if you want to know something, can you take the power and simply ask? Don’t you deserve to know either way? There may be all kinds of reasons that he hasn’t asked yet (and most likely it’s a benign reason) but you won’t know unless you allow yourself to have a voice and ask him.

It’s ok - and healthy - for you as a person, what you want and need, to be expressed and take up proportionate space.

Yes, perhaps you are the red flag. You need to work out strategies to stop focusing on this. For your own sake if nothing else.

You've indulged yourself for nine months!

Every time you find yourself thinking about it, stop. Tell yourself, "I'm not thinking about that any more." Make a list of alternative things to think about. Have something on your wrist you can ping, and say to yourself, "oh oh intrusive engagement thought!" Then imagine putting the thought on a leaf and watching it float away down a river.

Or in a taxi and it driving away, or a plane or whatever.

When you go out, talk to yourself in the mirror beforehand, make it clear to yourself that there will be no proposal, that you don't want a proposal that day, you just want to have a nice time. Tell your brain that if it starts wondering, any thoughts will be transported away.

Sorry the moment with Monica in Friends came to mind!
im thinking more imagine if I asked and he had something planned in say two weeks time.

To be honest I’m going to just have a proper talk with him

OP you wrote “My DP is so fucking incredible and I just cannot wait to take that next step together.”
You then went on to say that he’s planned lovely trips and arranged events with and for you that he knows you’ll enjoy.
It sounds like he shows you a lot that he loves you - does it feel that way?

I think you’re getting very wrapped up in this idea of a perfect proposal and it’s probably hard to live up to.
I’ve been married for not far off 30 years and I can barely remember the actual proposal - that wasn’t what was important.

Have a conversation with him - tell him you love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him and that you’d love it if you could both make it official that you’re engaged. If he jumps at the chance and gives you the ring then great. If he doesn’t then at least you know where you are.
Good luck 😊

Hmmm.
I think it is no longer possible for you to have a big surprise elaborate proposal because you know he has a ring & he knows you know, you’ve discussed the fact that you both want to marry so you are in fact already engaged, just not wearing the ring. At this stage a proposal of the sort you are imagining would be very contrived and a bit silly really - I can understand why he hasn’t done it - you’ve kind of made it impossible. An honest, heartfelt moment while washing up together or sitting in the garden seems much more romantic to me - the rest is just modern insta tosh. I’m glad of I’ve been married long enough that it wasn’t a thing then. It is also possible he’s a knob and stringing you along. You could just tell him that you’d like to start wearing your ring!

I love this. Thank you.

i really needed this. I need to calm the fuck down and I’m gonna have to start doing this because I can see I am currently the master of my own demise here.

i will still have a talk with him but I’ll be candid and just tell him that look I’m going to just work on not letting this get to me and not expecting it.

Some of the responses are a bit unkind.

I know that life isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies - but it should be very occasionally. We have enough mundane crap like whether or not we put the bins out. Some stuff should be special.

The OP would like her partner to propose in a way that feels special. It doesn’t sound as though she wants a flashy public proposal nor as though she expects him to book out the whole Eiffel Tower. It’s a bit like sending your mum a card on Mother’s Day - sure, it’s just a bit of card. But it’s important to her and that is okay.

This!!!