Proposal - he has a ring but I’m sick of waiting

[CurlyOldGirly]

I know that proposals aren’t the be all and end all. But I am desperate to marry my partner and so is he (so he says pretty much every day).
Ring exists because I’ve come across it when I saw the box in his suitcase when we went on holiday last year. But we had issues on holiday (not with each other) with our villa so i can see why he didn’t do it there. We had a few days of just being super disappointed with certain problems we had with our holiday let and then I had an allergic reaction to something so literally there wasn’t a window that I know he could have used.

he has said when it happens he wants to do it properly. He knows I don’t care for a massive show and I don’t want money being spent to make it happen. I really hate stuff like that. All I want is some thought.

I’m just at a point now where I’m getting more and more pissed that he hasn’t managed to just work out a romantic way to do it. I’m not asking for instagram worthy, just take me on a trip to a bloody lake or a pretty looking forest that’s free to visit and get down on a knee or something.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home. This is the only thing I’ve actually ever wanted in our relationship to be just a little bit special. I’ve been married before and it was all pretty shit and I was never made to feel loved the way I wished to be. DP is so loving and affectionate, I can’t understand why he hasn’t just bitten the bullet or even found a way to make it happen

what do I say to him? Should I have a chat with him? because it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring and I’m just getting fed up. I’m getting to a point where I just question if he even wants this any more.

Gosh I’m sorry this is long, I guess I needed to vent more than I thought I did.

I genuinely don’t understand ‘proposing’. You’ve already decided to get married.

For what other major decision in life would you expect someone to arrange a special event and pretend to ask you a question you’ve already answered?

Don't get me started on the people who choose public events, tv shows etc. Why in this century does a woman have to wait to be asked? Why can’t you ask him?

Sorry not much help OP because I genuinely can’t comprehend your dilemma. But if you can’t have an honest conversation about this, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married.

I spent years with someone who didn’t actual give a shit about the things that I loved or made me happy.

Okay - that’s awful. And you don’t want that again. But - respectfully - I still don’t understand why you’re fetishising this proposal. Someone who cares about you and what you love will show that in myriad ways. Most of those won’t be flashy, or worthy of a photo. But that’s what makes a marriage. My DH isn’t flamboyant, but he loves me. He checks the tyre pressure on my car before I go on a long journey. Makes me a cup of tea in bed. None of that is “special”, but it is special in its small way. I think you risk putting too much pressure on this. Let him ask you in a way that is meaningful to him? It’s the life together that counts. It really is….

Thank you this is exactly how it is. I just want small amount of effort that’s all, no bells or whistles.

But I appreciate every response on here because I don’t have many women I can talk to in real life, I really value that the majority can see that I am pressing a situation too much and I do need to back down in my head as much as possible before I ruin both myself and potentially my relationship.

I completely agree. All the things DP does for me that I love and appreciate, others may find mundane. I don’t want or care for anything that photo worthy or flashy that’s why I’d rather be in some dirty trainers in a field or in my casuals with no makeup on a random day out doing anything.

ive allowed it to take over the rest of my relationship with someone who loves me so much and is so attentive and giving and loving.

im an actual idiot here

I will still have a talk with him but I’ll be candid and just tell him that look I’m going to just work on not letting this get to me and not expecting it.

That sounds kinda passive aggressive given the history. Why not just tell him you really want to be engaged to him and you know he has a ring so could he please put it on your finger right now?

Ah I didn’t think that it came across passive aggressive. Ok ill rethink a little

Personally I would rather choose a ring I was going to wear every day, but your man went out and got the ring. When you discovered it, why did he not just ask you there and then?

I’m so confused, it’s not that hard. Just ask him where your ring is. Or ask him to marry you. Or arrange a fancy dinner and tell him to take the ring. Leave a note on his pillow saying I DO. So many ways. I worry that the two of you have such a big communication breakdown over this.

I think the reason it comes across that way is that you wouldn’t be owning that you want it and you want it now. That’s ok - and you’ll likely feel a lot better if you say it.

I really truly appreciate every response on here, I’m going to get off for a bit as I have a lot to think about.

Thank you ladies of mumsnet, thank you all for taking your time to respond and be brutally honest. I really needed this and I’m so glad I came here rather than stewed myself to death over this.

You don’t want a show bug you don’t want it to be at home. I do get that you don’t need it to be flashy but if that’s the e case, why can’t a romantic night at home work? Also, he’s probably thinking about this a lot and is planning in great detail. So you being impatient is going to kill the mood (for you both)

I don’t understand why you don’t just flip the script. That would be super romantic in my book just to take the pressure off him completely and show him you understand it’s about the little things not the grand gestures.

Sorry just saw your last reply, I shouldn’t have sent mine and added to it. Apologies

I’ll be candid and just tell him that look I’m going to just work on not letting this get to me and not expecting it

OMG OP!!!

Translated: I'm just saying I'm going to try to not expect you to propose but if you want to propose right now, or any time, that's fine, I just won't expect it, but hint hint

Drop it in your mind from tonight. And practise not obsessing.

I expect the last thing he wants is you bringing it up!

I would talk to your partner, and ask if he still wants to get married. If he doesn't at least you can decide what you want to do. I would be very frustrated waiting all this time too.

Anyone making the proposal the main thing has their priorities skewed up

Or maybe he feels increasingly anxious about getting it right, knowing how much it means to op, and just feels the pressure has ramped up as time has passed. Not saying that his feelings reflect the ops demands, but he may have built it up in his mind.

I would be concerned that he doesn't want to get married and even if you have the talk and get him to cough up the ring, he'll want to wait indefinitely 'until the time is right' to actually get married.

I had the worst cold/sinus infection of my life when ds proposed - sneezing, streaming, red eyes, itching and utterly exhausting. I came down with it on holiday, scuppering his grand plans. I never felt so loved, and accepted because I was an absolute mess and he still wanted to marry me.

Later I saw Niles proposal to Daphne in the show Frasier, which was a much funnier version of that situation. Maybe watch that with him some evening and see if it changes his perspective.

Golly op, all this pressure has likely put the poor man off, lol. He has to do it ‘right’ but within a whole bunch of rules he’s not sure about. Sounds like he’s going off the whole idea. You two need to talk! Just have a chat, put the blooming ring on and crack on!

My DH just simply asked me to marry him (after talking about it and knowing we were on the same page) and I said yes, then we went to buy a ring together.
We have been married 17 years.
He is being ridiculous, all he needs to do is ask you - maybe over a nice meal.
Are you sure it’s what you both want though?
I feel like if a couple really want to marry eachother it just happens.

I think you've set yourself up for disappointment thinking 1 romantic gesture will heal so much that's happened. I think the way to reclaim the magic and romance is you plan something special AFTER you've had a careful conversation about whether DP is still feeling the same...looking outside ourselves for healing the past never works OP
Nor does demanded proofs of love, they just feel hollow and disappointing.

Really think about whether you are happy or just validated by being in a relationship. You have nothing to prove...you are important and special right now and always ...not just in some engineered narrow window in time.

What thunder? You've already seen the ring so the big or unexpected romantic surprise gesture is gone. You're expecting it to happen. You're waiting for it. You cant unknow something once you know it, so you may as well work with it and ask him if he wants to get married or not? The longer you wait the more frustrated and resentful you're getting. You're at risk of souring your own relationship here.

He's just not that into you. He's not worried you'll leave. He's stringing you along. Look elsewhere.

He’s not that incredible if he would have asked you - esp after 9mths !!!

it really doesn’t matter where or how he proposes to you

it’s a

will you marry me

doesn’t need to me near a lake or in a forest.

what’s wrong with being asked at home or over a meal