The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

What is it with men on the apps who don't want to meet?

I matched with a really promising guy a few days ago - I'll call him Mr Beard. Great pics, no obvious red flags in his bio, local to me, great comms. So this morning I asked him if he had any available time over the weekend.....

Radio silence since then (and up till now he has been sending several messages a day) ! This has happened to me SO many times.

I just don't understand it. Why go on there if not to meet people? It's not like we were sexting or exchanging pics or anything - I just don't see what he was getting out of our chat if it wasn't leading anywhere. Are people really that bored and lonely?

I've got a first date with Mr Beach, who I have been chatting to for a couple of weeks now, tomorrow. If he cancels, or it doesn't go well, I am wondering if I need to take a little break. The pointlessness of it all is really starting to grate on me.....

So that date went well I think spend two and a half hours together he’s a talker. Nicer looking than his photos… should I message to say I had a really nice night or let him message first? And shall I ask for his number to WhatsApp?

He's not single, or he's dating someone already (can't multi date) or his profile is a lie or he's too nervous.

Not one reason that makes him eligible xxx

Yes to both if you want to.

Did he ask any questions?

Yes he did about my job and life. He’s going on holiday for 10 days tomorrow then back away with work. I do like him but i thinks it’s probably in my case the dopamine hit and wanting one to work out

@Ilovelurchers It’s a bit annoying when they disappear but sadly not uncommon. If they ghost that easily just be thankful you’ve found out early on.
Some pop up a few weeks later with a feeble excuse. But I’ve always thought if they can do it once they’ll do it again.
In the long run you’re better off without men who can’t communicate consistently.

Excellent news! There is hope!

I would probably message myself to say I enjoyed it.

Oh i definitely swooned.

Hes got a great bond now with all three.

Somewhat stinted second date with Mr Mullet tomorrow. Took a while to get there and he's already set out he has to be in the office on Thursday. Think my second date curse is kicking in again (if he doesn't cancel!).

You never know xxx

@MsJinks thanks again for your advice. I am torn between wanting to go back on the apps again as I miss conversing with women, and the negative effect the rejections can affect my self esteem. I do try to not take them too much to heart.

So I messaged saying it was lovely to meet you and safe travels… he replied yes it was nice to meet me he’s in bed. No talk of sharing numbers second date when he’s back. Also I’ve got it into my head I’m a cat fish as my best photos are on the app. And yesterday I looked abit tired and he probably thought I looked worse..

No worries Red - and don’t forget it’s all just in my experience or in my opinion - not set in stone.

I just wonder now when you say that you miss talking to women - I appreciate it’s in a specific context - but do you not have female friends, mates’ partners, colleagues or relatives that you talk to? Or Are you in a very male dominant life such as job/friends etc.

It just strikes me that it sounds as if we are a different (maybe scary!) species - we really aren’t (even if sometimes it feels we are from different planets!) Maybe you feel more awkward if you’re not used to women so much - I went to an all girls school with no males so it was odd to me to start with but once you’ve mixed with opposite sex a bit more normally it’s fine.

Maybe when you’re chatting just approach a lot of it as if you’re chatting to a friend or acquaintance about normal stuff - we do like decent messages - around our interests/days etc - like normal conversation really.

It still may be good to wait for therapy for you having said this but maybe other advice will come along.

So you did the best thing and at least he answered. I tend to think he’s not going to be taking it forward - and that’s a bit rubbish - contrarily even if you weren’t bothered if they did lol.

However, I hugely doubt it’s how you looked - in fact it’s not. There is that undefinable spark, or not, that’s discussed so much on the thread that creates the connection to go for round 2 - even when the spark isn’t clear at first there is something that drives the date 2 - and it’s not that common 2 people randomly meet and it will work.

I don’t know about your photos - you’re not cat fishing so don’t beat yourself up on that at all - one of mine is older than it should be but it was not great - I used to put less good pics on so any meet would hopefully have a more pleasant surprise than not - that fails at a certain age but my photos are pretty meh - though don’t show my wrinkles off to full effect at all which worried me a bit but fortunately has been fine!

3d is so different to any pic - good or bad that it’s not as directly related as we may think tbh - and it’s the 3D plus personality in person that catches our eye or not.

Please don’t feel bad, or you caused it, it was a nice date I think so he hardly ran away screaming or got upset - just maybe not this time.

You will find the prize!

I don't think that's a catfish xxx

@MsJinks killing it on the advice front x2
Just to add that a photo of Planes looks like your Gramps. In real life though he's quite something!

You went for it, so well done!

His response isn't a completw rejection, but as it's luke warm I'd be worried he intends to keep you as a back up plan, maybe? Or is playing hard to get in the hope this will encourage you to go all out and shag him if he senses you really like him? Or any of the other reasons guys can be luke warm - rarely positive ones! (Though if it is shyness it could perhaps be forgivable).

Anyway, proceed with caution from this point! You deserve someone who makes you feel like you are the prize - and that's not what he is doing right now.

Oh, and you are not a cat-fish! Everyone uses decent photos on the apps - it's human nature. I made a conscious point not to this time for the very reasons you outline, but I just looked at my profile pica compared to my current mad-hairedz make-up-less , sleep-squashed face in the mirror - yes they are insanely flattering photos! If I put a current candid selfie on, I think Bumble would face a massive zombie-apocalypse stiyle exodus....

Basically, stop being so harsh on yourself. This is his loss. It's frees you up to find someone more deserving of your amamzingness!

Haha - that’s lovely though - I think there are photos make you go ewwww, but otherwise you really do need to see the 3D version - as long as it’s not 10 stone heavier, half a foot shorter and 15 years out of date then there’s no issue - and even then it’s the fib more than the person - I’m not sure if this happens so much nowadays though as it used to.

Thanks re advice - I’ve a long history of crap relationships and then a couple of my kids inherited that gene unfortunately so seen it 2nd hand lol - if I can I like to add my 2pennorth - but it’s only my view obviously- but I do really like to see advice as it’s interesting to see different experiences and ideas - and use it!

But today I shouldn’t be giving advice - complete text understanding fail yesterday - mr tree text - I answered - then it entered my head he’d been actually asking to see me ‘what are you doing this evening’ so I sent a further text saying that and I would, - he said he hadn’t meant that but now I mentioned it to go round - which I did still - and he was lovely and seeing him was - but I’m still cringing inside lol - I need a text reading course! I should know now he’s very straightforward so it was actually just a question - if he’d wanted to /planned to see me he’d have stated that clearly 🙈

I’ve learned too there is no request to see me until he has one lined up - so it’s see you soon or something instead, but in fact he does still want to - I found that disconcerting at first as i felt as if he just didn’t want/planned to see me and was putting me off - so now I’ve worked tgat out I now moved it on then to the next error of text misunderstanding and agony lol.

Easily done 💐
Can you arrange each date at the previous one IYSWIM?

Ah thank you - I will stop cringing one day lol.

So I’m ok on the dates thing now, but sometimes was arranged and more often wasn’t - I don’t not do other stuff so when he has an idea, if I can’t make that one then I just say, but at that point something else is locked down.

Think he’s maybe too straightforward so when he says ‘see you soon’ he means it but hasn’t got his decision on when yet - but then I thought it was a put you off. Got used to that but failed to realise this would mean that when he asked ‘what are you doing’ he actually just meant just that and would have added to come over if that was his idea.

I’m not used to this lol! Used to decoding - will have to stop!

Just wanted to pop in and say hi to everyone. I’ve spent a few days with a friend abroad so have t been online much.

the false starts are so disappointing but ladies, don’t accept minimal effort. Can you imagine how poor his efforts will be in a years time?

mr Kardashian and I haven’t seen each other for about 10 days now but I absolutely know that he’s constantly thinking of me and we’ve had a lot of deep and fun text chats. I absolutely can’t wait to see him again this weekend x

That’s very interesting. Maybe he is covering himself and is open.

@MsJinks I dont have any female friends or colleagues ( I WFH), so yes my life is very unbalanced and " male dominated".

I do miss a womans company. I miss putting a nice shirt on and meeting someone in a restaurant. Even a coffee date with someone new would be good.

I went on Tinder two hours ago but got no matches.

@ForRedShark have you thought of taking up dancing?

@Nosdacariad i could do, I dont have a massive interest in salsa but I would try it out. Anything offline where you can meet women would be good.