The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’ve been exactly the same - not sure if it’s this thread or the last that someone mentioned Sex in the City cab light theory - I can’t recall which character - but basically sometimes it is just red, for whatever reason, and no one will float your boat or even get you interested in the slightest - then it will be green and you’re open again and it will happen.

I’ve been on and off a good while but last few times I used it as distraction from ironing there were no guys, no interesting conversations and no interest this end - this time somehow there were guys and there were conversations and I had 2 separate dates, one which others will know is ongoing and I’m finding just amazing lol - it’s incredibly unlikely they all just joined to make my dating life happen so I’m fully onboard with Cab light theory.

It’s good, either red or green light, on here to discuss the good, bad and downright ugly of OLD - as despite above there was a lot of digging in the gutter as well ha!

Haha - DV could be a red line for OLD - you must have this!

My kids - well my son in law is peeing his pants at thought of Mr Tree meeting them - he keeps taking the Michael - it’s funny. My actual answer is one hour after I’ve got the wedding ring - that’s sort of a joke re the wedding - not the timeline!

I am happy at 60 that we’ve both got families and stuff but we don’t need to mix with those lol. Neither of us has said this out loud but it’s nice to have space just for meeting together and not other stuff - I mean I don’t know how it may progress yet but for me keeping it separate is good.

My kids are all well into adulthood though, as are his, so it may be different for you? and obviously anyway the date to relationship may be different- I’m enjoying the no pressure on this front but that’s very personal - plus we have way too many kids between us to be frank haha.

I think to answer your question is depending on age of kids a bit but not next century and just as a friend thing in an activity to start? Or a coffee if they’re adults?

It will be fine.

So, I've had two relationships since splitting with my daughter's dad. The first one I introduced to her really early, which I think was a mistake and to be honest was really done selfishly for my own convenience.

The second she didn't meet for a year.

It made no difference, she didn't really like either of them! Going forwards I would leave it entirely to her to decide when, if ever, she wanted to meet someone I was seeing. (She is 14 now).

I don't think there is a right or wrong, it depends on how the kids feel. Have yours expressed a preference?

If Mr Planes has been honest about this, it's a good thing and reflects well on him. Does it mean he will try to address it? Medication, diet etc? If you (and he) are prepared to make adjustments etc then you could find a compromise that suits you both?

One thing to just be aware of... you've had quite a few dates, enough for you to get emotionally attached before finding out something like this, which is a bit negative. It depends how you feel abut him otherwise, and how much effort he makes elsewhere. Also how important it is to you.

My last (short) relationship was with a guy who made a fantastic effort with me, planning nice dates, cooking delicious meals, but he had problems in the bedroom too, that he just wouldn't face up to, despite the fact that I said I would be willing to be patient and help him find solutions, if he wanted to get some medical help. In the end I just got tired of him refusing to accept there was a problem - not the actual problem itself! Pure head in the sand approach. Exasperating.

That may be a good idea for now - maybe try therapy first and ensure you’re ready for the very depressing apparent rejections - they’re not rejecting you though - when they don’t know you they can’t be being personal about it - try remembering that when you’re back on them.

IRL - I had an ex who got girls bloody everywhere - he was a salesman with the chat he could apply to every situation - definitely put me off anyone who sells for a living after lol.

It’s generally much rarer than that but it all starts with a quick chat - like OLD - but it does have to be natural - us women are wired to look for intent so mainly we’d note clear interest - unfortunately we can’t tell in a quick chat whether it’s good interest in us or bad - which maybe makes us wary.

It’s good to hear you’re rethinking your approach and listening to advice that you can consider and use if appropriate to you - admirable even.

You will get there.

Ooh - well done - and hope it goes well.

Do update - good or bad - we (I!) love updates - and you get amazing advice and support on here whatever occurs.

Enjoy.

They are adults (or nearly) but all live at home x

We haven't talked about it yet.

It would be for my/our convenience because he can't be at mine until then (unless they're all out).

I don't want to rush it.

It is frustrating. Mr X was similar x

Ahh - and he just has a room at the minute? Is it shared housing or just at someone’s?

I’ve not had this issue for a good while - Fortunately, currently we have 2 kid free zones - he has a dog so can’t stay here - which suits me tbh lol. And mr situationship had a kid free flat when I had one kid at my house.

Where was the stay over? At his room? Or elsewhere? Did that work well enough to keep doing that until you’re ready to introduce? I’d possibly still delay a little I think - otherwise it’s biting the bullet and just being casual about it all when he’s at yours I guess - are the kids fairly disinterested so won’t phase them/ have them chatting, or will they come and check him out closely for you?

I think he’ll agree to go at your pace if you explain though.

Dont forget to book the DV check lol!

Sleepover was at a hotel, not something that's affordable ongoing.

I can visit at his but it's a goldfish bowl 😁

I do recognise that however lovely this man would have a home if he had his shit together 😁

Kids will be chill and form their own views but I don't want them to meet one after the other, so I want to see if it sticks before they meet.

To be honest, if they are adults I really wouldn't sweat it - you are entitled to have a life, and hopefully they understand that.

I mean, obviously you want them to like him if you continue seeing him long term, so it's probably best to talk to them about it and do it in a way they feel comfortable with.

But it's very different than if it's young kids..... If my daughter decides to still live with me when she's grown, then I will expect her to respect my choices re overnight house guests, as long as the guys are discrete and respectful towards her! (Just as I will no doubt have to respect her choices re overnight house guests too!).

So, I had my non-date date with Mr NHS last night. (Guy I initially met on Bumble but he is only looking for ENM, which isn't for me, so we are not pursuing anything romantically. But, as we get on so well, we agreed to meet just as friends).

I was taken aback by how fun it was and how relaxed I felt given the pressure was off - this is a guy I had only met once before but we were laughing and chatting away so comfortably..... I was much more myself than I am on dates, where subconsciously I seem to try to present myself a certain way...... And that's definitely something I want to work on going forwards. It's almost like, I focus so much on whether my date likes me, I forget to think about whether I am actually enjoying his company or not....

I really want to change that going forwards!

Glad it was good fun - it’s really interesting how you’ve reflected on it - don’t be too harsh on ‘date lurchers’ - it’s natural to maybe put our best side to the fore.

I think it might have been one of these threads where a saying was used about ‘it’s how he makes you feel about yourself’ that counts. So maybe it’s the guy not just the pressure of the date as well - though obviously this is the same guy - but maybe 2nd meet easier too and as pressure is also off him he made you feel ok to be relaxed and you?

I have been pretty much myself with Mr Tree but it started in a pub lol - but I see what you are saying and definitely not myself much with the prior Mr Situationship in too many ways/situations - a relative is still clearly not herself round the guy and they’re in an ongoing 3 year - so stressful.

You’ll have to definitely see if you can achieve this on your next first date but it maybe also depends on whether the date makes you feel you can be yourself too.

Years back I had an intermittent friend I’d see odd time when we were both single - it was always including a hotel - he had an empty house - but a real treat!

I realise this is not viable to you. I also definitely understand not wanting to parade guys through the house - so I would hope he does too and will slow down a bit.

I wouldn’t criticise his room share so much - we can all end up there and quite easily too - I worked for Shelter and it’s hard out there. On the other hand I’d probably want to know what he’s doing about it - he has kids too - are they grown up so it’s not an issue there? One of my relative’s exes has bounced around g/fs and step mum’s and one share place as he can’t seem to get his shit together at all - I wouldn’t want that.

Despite above, as I have my own place, I would prefer any guy is similar - just like we are on the same page and it doesn’t have to be mine all the time. Mr First Date was between homes he called it and staying with his son to renovate that house - I’d have had to see where that went regarding him finding his own place I think - he never stayed over - though he asked if he could just lay on my bed whilst I slept - not creepy at all hmm ha.

My partner met my kids sooner than what they recommend on here.

Mine are late teens 17+ and they met DP after 6 months last year

@Wynter25- depending how old you are there’s a strong possibility you’d be dead before you made the MN timeline 👀

@GentlemenPreferBonds- but I expect he’s head of MI5 or similar, with developed vetting and deemed ‘safe’ 🙈🤣

Timelines are so individual aren’t they - I’m glad I don’t have to risk my current dating life by introducing my mad family any more haha - but that’s a lucky place to be in - I never did though abide by the timelines of MN but it all varied - they are all now functioning adults anyhow.

@MsJinksmy eldest was ok with him as long as he wasn’t a serial killer 😂. My youngest wanted to know if he liked cats and chilli in his food 😂

MI5 were surprisingly helpful 😉

I just wanted to be sure it was going somewhere before introducing them. They didn’t even know I was dating (6 years single) and they only knew after 2 months together as my ex outed me… 🤨.

Tbf, I did like it being a little bubble with just the two of us 😊

Mine don't know though likely suspect.

I don't think I'm waiting six months or the MN reccommended ten years with DV.

With MrX it was three months and I had seen his DBS😁

4, 2 and 1 now but younger when they met. I couldnt keep the baby away.

My son started crying one night. He said bring him down. Hes a dad himself.

Aww that’s so lovely - I expect you swooned ha! we maybe give men who behave like your average human too much credit for that, but it is a real pleasure to meet those rare ones.

We (me and her siblings) are actually ok with one of my daughter’s fellas just because he isn’t a serial killer haha!

Your youngest is spot on - cats are definitely top of any agenda!

Bloody exes think they’re sumat don’t they - still like to control - least he failed to spoil anything.

A bubble is nice - I’m glad but appreciate it’s lucky I can have that - I also don’t even over check my phone in case an adult kid thinks they have a drama only I can resolve and wail it down the airwaves - just would spoil that vibe ha- fortunately nothing has disrupted yet - but whilst I’m proper into this it has only been a few weeks seeing 2-3 times each week - with my kids I still find the timing of not drama llama-ing quite fortuitous so far though!

It’s really nice to hear these lovely stories of partnerships too - thank you.

That sounds reasonable to me - if not the AIBU section - so just don’t ask there maybe haha!

have you got a timeline for Planes, or see how it goes? I’m sure he’ll be patient - maybe you’ll get a kid free home night along the way or another hotel for a second off?

Thanks, I think similar for planes.

I may be trying to convince them to all be out of the house at the same time 😁