Page 13 | The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

Nosdacariad · 2026-05-21T19:39:24+00:00

The Rules: -The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin -Do not invest emotionally too soon -It’s all BS until it actually happens -Trust your gut instinct -People vanishing, lying &amp; being generally weird is not your fault -Know your worth -If it's not fun, stop -Loo update is mandatory -No dating the thread -Treat others as you'd like to be treated -Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with -The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future - If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?! -OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

ElleintheWoods · 29/05/2026 09:12

ForRedShark · 29/05/2026 00:53

@ElleintheWoods thank you for your kind and measured, logical reply.

You say you are Very Attractive, you will never have any trouble in attracting a partner. I wish i was Very attractive, or even attractive. Im about a 4 out of 10.

Re the dating apps, i should delete them all, as not getting any matches does make me feel worse. But then i read about you all on here going on dates, and it gives me belief again that it is possible, and i download the apps again. Its a vicious cycle. Vicious and brutal.

I’m glad you didn’t read my reply and run away. I just get a bit emotional when I hear men talking about themselves like that as it breaks my heart a bit.

But see, there we are again. 4/10. How did we get to a point where you feel compelled to rate your appearance out of 10? Based on what criteria even? Did you go to a modelling agency and ask them to do an assessment?

I don’t know how it happened but somewhere along the way, the internet has made you believe that you’re unattractive, not worthy etc. These are precisely the kind of influences that make you feel the way that you do. It’s like being around someone who is abusive to you and going back for more.

It actually isn’t easy finding a partner when you’re conventionally attractive. That’s the point I’m trying to drive home here. I can easily get attention, sure. Many people that give looks-based attention tend to be superficial and sexually motivated and time and time again I’m left disappointed after 2 mins of conversation. I love quite nerdy, smart guys, deep thinkers, and I’m not exactly their go-to type. I’ve been interested in plenty of guys that aren’t conventionally attractive. It’s the brain I’m interested in.

I talk to plenty of men about their dating lives and the apps don’t really work for anyone. One of my really good mates ticks many conventionally attractive boxes, has an excellent job and an attractive lifestyle, gets 2-3 likes per year. (Funny enough we met on a dating app)

I really do think getting off the apps and socialising more IRL (not just to date but generally, spend time with your family, friends) is the best idea for you now to feel better about yourself.

As for me? I dunno, I’ll probably die alone 😅 I’m so bloody tired of guys thinking they aren’t good enough.

Some data here to show what women actually like: https://yougov.com/en-gb/articles/19664-personality-more-important-looks-across-globe

Across the globe, personality is rated as more important than looks

New 20-country study finds that, Vietnamese men aside, people in all countries are more likely to think a partner’s personality is more important than their looks

https://yougov.com/en-gb/articles/19664-personality-more-important-looks-across-globe

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 09:42

Thersites · 29/05/2026 03:59

the short response to this is GET OFF THE APPS!

I was in your position 10 years ago. I was divorced and when I felt ready to get out there again I downloaded the apps. After two years of being ignored on them, I mean completely ignored, my self-esteem was in the gutter. I had to delete them for my own good and I've never even considered going back on them.

The simple fact is I'm not attractive enough in the ways you need to be to succeed on an app. If you're average (or below average) looking you are simply going to struggle to get that much interest on a dating app. Interestingly the Bumble numbers someone up-thread has posted bear out a pet theory of mine (not that it's in any way original). I think for the most part, on appearance alone, men are typically attracted to roughly 50% of (age-appropriate) women, at least attracted enough to want to date. Whereas women are attracted to a far far smaller percentage of men based on appearance alone. BUT, whilst the 50% of women that men find attractive is basically fixed, the percentage of men that women will be attracted to once they get to know them expands greatly. But on a dating app what have you got? 5 photos and a bit of dry text. I may know I'm a great guy, you may know you're a great guy, but getting that across on a dating app is near enough impossible.

One thing I'm sure of is that none of the women I've been out with and certainly not my ex-wife, would ever have swiped right on me on Tinder or Bumble. Unfortunately now I've been single for 10 years because even though I can rationalise this and understand it fully I can't emotionally feel that any woman could ever be attracted to me again. So I didn't ask out the woman from my meetup group who as good as begged me to do so and didn't pursue the woman in Caffe Nero who kept making excuses to start up conversations with me and sabotaged so many other opportunities. The apps seem like such a great option. Who wouldn't want to find love at the swipe of a thumb? But it's an illusion. You're clearly not the type of person who can just view OLD as a numbers game and wait for that one perfect match that might be months away.

Get out into the world and meet women. They will not come to you. You won't be most women's cup of tea but you will be someone's. It may not seem fair that all the women on here seem able to spend 10 minutes swiping and get a date for the weekend. Well it isn't. But it's also not fair that often that date is married, or he's only after a quick bunk-up, or he's just dating them until a 'better' option comes up. The best thing you can do is socialise, socialise, socialise. Join a meetup group if you don't have much opportunity in your current life. I was a member of one for years and if I could have gotten out of my own way I could have dated regularly.

Good luck.

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It was me that posted that data.

I know I’ve not swiped right on many men on Bumble however this has not purely been looks based. Of course a lot of it is however I also swipe left on other factors in photos such as:

Every photo with a drink.
All group shots.
Half naked selfies.
Photos sticking fingers up.
Children in pics (not hidden).
All action shots.
Pics with dead animals.
Every photo looking glum.
Every photo in the gym.

To name a few! And you’d be surprised how many profiles that rules out.
Other factors I swipe left on include:

Working offshore.
HGV drivers.
Any job that takes them away a lot.
Moaning profiles.
Terrible spelling and grammar in bio.
No bio.

And the first time around I had Bumble I didn’t have Premium, so I couldn’t use the advanced filters. So that ruled out the ones who:

Wanted children.
Smoked.
Only wanted casual.

So you see, a lot of factors have been taken into account to consideration, and not purely looks. Yes it may seem like I’m being fussy however time is precious and I don’t want to spend it messaging back and forth with someone who doesn’t align with my values and what I’m ultimately looking for.

coolpattern · 29/05/2026 09:50

ElleintheWoods · 28/05/2026 23:18

I’m sorry in advance but I’m going to be honest with you. You needs to get offline for a bit and detox from manosphere content. This example is literally straight out of Adolescence.

I have called good mates out on this and I will keep telling men to stop believing things that money hungry influencers say. They then proceed to sell men products to get into that ‘20%’. Supplements, workouts, cosmetics, the lot.

Go to a public place where couples go this weekend. Maybe a shopping centre.

Look around.

Who are the men there with partners? Bold men. Overweight men. Men with visible health problems. Men with bad jobs or no job. Your 19-year-old spotty neighbour with his high school girlfriend. That bookish guy from the chess club. Your IT guy from the office who has far too many cats. That gamer guy with green hair from across the road that never says a word.

The point is, lots of very average looking and very average people are in relationships. A very small percentage of the population is exceptionally attractive or otherwise outstanding. Most couples are average people dating other average people.

Without sounding cocky, I’m very attractive. I get pulled out of crowds at events to go backstage, get freebies everywhere, get away with murder.

I feel attracted to… all kinds of guys. I don’t care what job they do, backgrounds, usually more attracted to overweight guys etc. They just need to have good chat and really connect with me at a human level.

The kinds of comments that make me reconsider the relationship?

I’m not good enough for you
Wow, you’re well out of my league
I must take a pic of us for my mate or they won’t believe we’re together
Why would you date someone like me?
80/20 stuff - huuuuge red flag 🚩

Some of these relationships have gone on for a while as I’ve forced them but they’ve failed because the man just doesn’t feel comfortable. Essentially they friendzone themselves.

Something I now live by is that I’ll only date people who feel comfortable in their own skin, want me and have the balls to pursue me. If you don’t think you deserve the woman, you will self sabotage. You first need to believe you’re good enough, love yourself and the rest will follow.

You remind me of my mate who had terrible self esteem, really wanted to be in a relationship but suffered a lot of setbacks. He was in a really bad place and hyper focused on the 80/20 mindset and how he needed to change everything about himself.

He got to a mentally better place and is now engaged 2 years into a great relationship.

Back yourself and you will get the girl. But you need to genuinely value yourself first.

Stepping away from corners of the internet where they chip chip away at your self esteem, and taking a break from dating apps (also not a great place for self esteem or good mental health) can be really beneficial along the way.

Us women also come in all kinds of packages. We also struggle massively with self esteem and from a young age are taught you need to look in a certain way to get a guy. It’s a pretty rubbish way to live. Don’t let manosphere propaganda get you and tell you you’re all kinds of wrong. Next you’ll be looksmaxxxing and buying sports cars thinking this will fix everything. Spoiler alert, this mostly attracts other men and the odd gold digger.

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@ElleintheWoods has nailed it really. Please do take her advice.

coolpattern · 29/05/2026 09:52

Nosdacariad · 28/05/2026 22:44

@ForRedShark @Brightbluesomething gives good advice here.

🛩✈️ told me he loves me. I said it back.

Oh wow, how wonderful for you. Are you feeling good about everything? I get a little freaked out when stuff gets real 😘

Thersites · 29/05/2026 09:57

Oh I get all that my only assumption would be that none of the 162 men you did swipe right on fell short of you desires in the looks department. If so, that would render any other trait or attribute irrelevant of they were not accompanied by a certain level of attractiveness.

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 10:22

Thersites · 29/05/2026 09:57

Oh I get all that my only assumption would be that none of the 162 men you did swipe right on fell short of you desires in the looks department. If so, that would render any other trait or attribute irrelevant of they were not accompanied by a certain level of attractiveness.

But what is attractive, and who is the judge of that?

What I may find attractive may be very different to what others on this thread may find attractive 🤷🏼‍♀️

For the record, I’ve never had a partner taller than 5’9” (I’m 5’6”), they’ve been dark haired, blonde and auburn. They’ve all had “dad bods” and tbh never conventionally attractive…..they’ve just had “something” about them.

Please don’t assume anything.

Thersites · 29/05/2026 10:26

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 10:22

But what is attractive, and who is the judge of that?

What I may find attractive may be very different to what others on this thread may find attractive 🤷🏼‍♀️

For the record, I’ve never had a partner taller than 5’9” (I’m 5’6”), they’ve been dark haired, blonde and auburn. They’ve all had “dad bods” and tbh never conventionally attractive…..they’ve just had “something” about them.

Please don’t assume anything.

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Fair enough. I get that different women find different things attractive. I just know that I, like many other men, don't fit any of those categories. Certainly not in any way that can be expressed in an OLD profile.

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 10:43

Thersites · 29/05/2026 10:26

Fair enough. I get that different women find different things attractive. I just know that I, like many other men, don't fit any of those categories. Certainly not in any way that can be expressed in an OLD profile.

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Looking at the stats I posted, am I delighted that over 7000 men swiped right on me? Not particularly because I know that for many men it’s a numbers game and many men will swipe right on most women on apps.

I have on my profile that I don’t want any more kids (mine is 22 and I don’t wish to go back to nappies! And at 44 and in the throes of peri, I doubt it’s possible!). However the number of men who swiped right and DO want children has been absolutely maddening.

So I’m not strutting like a peacock or anything because I know many men don’t even bother to read the bio (in fact a lot of profiles actually say “does anyone even bother to read this?”) I’m sure a lot of women would agree that they’d prefer a handful of intentional swipes instead of rushed swiping on absolutely everyone.

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 10:44

coolpattern · 29/05/2026 09:52

Oh wow, how wonderful for you. Are you feeling good about everything? I get a little freaked out when stuff gets real 😘

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I'm a bit freaked by the drop in texting frequency but if we're seeing each other twice or three times a week it's understandable.

Also...he does not have his life in order right now, so we'll see. Unlike MrX he has a plan...

OP posts:

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 10:47

Thersites · 29/05/2026 09:57

Oh I get all that my only assumption would be that none of the 162 men you did swipe right on fell short of you desires in the looks department. If so, that would render any other trait or attribute irrelevant of they were not accompanied by a certain level of attractiveness.

Think you're missing the point maybe. It's the other way around.

Do they have any criteria that rule them out and if not, could I fancy them.

Could I fancy them is not always related to appearance.

OP posts:

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 10:51

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 10:47

Think you're missing the point maybe. It's the other way around.

Do they have any criteria that rule them out and if not, could I fancy them.

Could I fancy them is not always related to appearance.

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👏 👏 👏

Thersites · 29/05/2026 10:56

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 10:47

Think you're missing the point maybe. It's the other way around.

Do they have any criteria that rule them out and if not, could I fancy them.

Could I fancy them is not always related to appearance.

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Ok if that is so.then for whatever reason no woman felt they could fancy me in two years. I guess I'll never know what it was.

Betsy95 · 29/05/2026 10:59

@Ilovelurchers and @MsJinks thanks for your replies.

We've messaged this morning and smoothed things over for. tomorrow.

I think we’ve both been a bit clumsy this week in how we’ve messaged and interpreted each other!

ForRedShark · 29/05/2026 11:20

Could i PM someone here, a photo of me? That would help to explain where im coming from

Thersites · 29/05/2026 11:23

ForRedShark · 29/05/2026 11:20

Could i PM someone here, a photo of me? That would help to explain where im coming from

You can PM me i will be completely honest

LiquidSquid · 29/05/2026 11:45

ForRedShark · 29/05/2026 11:20

Could i PM someone here, a photo of me? That would help to explain where im coming from

I used to chat to a man online & you remind me of him. He was absolutely convinced that he wasn't attractive & that this was 100% the reason why women 'hated' him on the Apps (he didn't even have a photo online as he was too insecure)

He sent me a photo & I answered him honestly that I loved his eyes, loved his hair! Loved his smile, dimples, he had a lot going for him in my opinion! He then said that I was just being kind & that compared to all of the other men, he was nothing... I then sent him random photos/Google images that looked similar to the most recent 3 ment I'd spoken to on the App, telling him please not to worry. It's not just based on looks at all, but I happened to like his look better than these 3.

He then basically said that it was just my opinion which counts for very little in the grand scheme of things, & that there must be something wrong with me if I found him attractive.

Lovely.

I'm not saying that you will be like this, ForRedShark I'm just reminded of the experience.

Ilovelurchers · 29/05/2026 12:13

BoxOfCats · 29/05/2026 08:47

Yes this sounds spot on, I think we are in exactly the same place.

I think I have fallen into a bit of a trap though. I enjoy my dates with my situationships so much that I find it hard to get excited about anyone else. I have a first date (coffee) tomorrow morning and I’m already wondering if I can bothered. Of course I will still go, and will try to keep an open mind… Just wish I could meet someone who actually wants a relationship but also ticks all the other boxes too.

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Completely agree with that - I love seeing my FWB whereas currently I don't get excited about dates at all! (Though it might be fair to say that I dread them less than I used to, so that's progress!).

I guess it's understandable in a way & you can't truly look forward to seeing someone you don't actually know yet....

I've decided to try and organise as many dates as possible this weekend (I have a rare child-free weekend) just to kind of get them over with, and in the hope that just won't have time to get nervous.....

And if it's all shit, I will still be in a good mood after my time with FWB!

Ilovelurchers · 29/05/2026 12:21

ForRedShark · 29/05/2026 11:20

Could i PM someone here, a photo of me? That would help to explain where im coming from

Not being horrible, but how will this help? As we have established, different women find different looks attractive. So depending who you send it to, you may be her type or you may not. Either way it won't really prove anything.....

I had a thought earlier - as you are worried about lack of matches, would it be worth relaxing your boundaries a bit and giving the ones you get more of a chance? Obviously it IS important to have standards. But the fact that you challenge a woman who sends just two messages on the bounce containing no questions - that is pretty hard line.

I am generally regarded as a nice, kind, sensitive person who shows an interest in others, and yet I know, when I am chatting, if I get absorbed in a topic I can easily send a couple of messages that don't include a direct question, assuming that the guy is interested in my answers and I will ask him stuff presently.

If a guy called me out on this after two messages I have to say I would be pretty hurt/surprised/annoyed, and I would definitely block him immediately (and be upset - I hate conflict of any kind).

I am not saying you shouldn't have any boundaries, of course, but would it be worth trying more flexibility?

The guys I have met/matched with who have had the most negative experience and view of OLD, tend to be the most demanding and say lots about "lack of effort", and I do wonder if it becomes a self-filfillinf prophesy.

Nobody really owes anybody effort until they have met them.

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 12:23

Thersites · 29/05/2026 10:56

Ok if that is so.then for whatever reason no woman felt they could fancy me in two years. I guess I'll never know what it was.

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Or...you have things in your profile that are a "no" for many women in your age range/location.

OP posts:

Thersites · 29/05/2026 12:28

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 12:23

Or...you have things in your profile that are a "no" for many women in your age range/location.

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Didn't seem that anything in my profile was a problem when I changed my photos for someone better looking than me. Just as an experiment. But I'm sure you're right. Must have been a weird coincidence.

ElleintheWoods · 29/05/2026 12:28

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 10:22

But what is attractive, and who is the judge of that?

What I may find attractive may be very different to what others on this thread may find attractive 🤷🏼‍♀️

For the record, I’ve never had a partner taller than 5’9” (I’m 5’6”), they’ve been dark haired, blonde and auburn. They’ve all had “dad bods” and tbh never conventionally attractive…..they’ve just had “something” about them.

Please don’t assume anything.

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💯

Same for me. I’ve only been interested in 2-3 conventionally very attractive guys in terms of looks.

I’m attracted to scientists, tech guys, politicians etc. People with amazing brains.

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 12:35

Thersites · 29/05/2026 12:28

Didn't seem that anything in my profile was a problem when I changed my photos for someone better looking than me. Just as an experiment. But I'm sure you're right. Must have been a weird coincidence.

Edited

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So...the attitude that comes through in that message may be the issue.

It comes over to me as quite bitter.

Not one woman owes you a date.

OP posts:

Thersites · 29/05/2026 12:38

Nosdacariad · 29/05/2026 12:35

So...the attitude that comes through in that message may be the issue.

It comes over to me as quite bitter.

Not one woman owes you a date.

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🤣🤣

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 12:38

Thersites · 29/05/2026 12:28

Didn't seem that anything in my profile was a problem when I changed my photos for someone better looking than me. Just as an experiment. But I'm sure you're right. Must have been a weird coincidence.

Edited

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So you basically catfished?

Thersites · 29/05/2026 12:41

empirebiscuits12 · 29/05/2026 12:38

So you basically catfished?

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For a couple of days as an experiment. I didn't actually talk to anyone but when people keep telling you it can't be about looks it's only natural to want it confirmed. I had it confirmed.