The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ilovelurchers thanks, what i meant was - with OLD it is only a certain percentage of blokes who manage to get swiped right on- and these are the ones you are swiping right on. The rest get overlooked.

Whereas i think the vast mojority of women get swioed right on.

Do you remember the TV show Take me Out? The reason they never did a version where 1 woman would need to be vhosen by 30 guys- is because usually all 30 would have left their lights on.

Advice needed:

I posted a few days ago about Mr Beard - an iron I really liked both in terms of personality AND looks. (In terms of pics, I am actually quite blown away - he is even more my type than my new date this weekend, who I will call Mr Jewellery).

So, after a day or two of great, attentive chatting with Mr Beard I mentioned a first date. He agreed in theory. I tried to pin him down and he went full ghost - I was actually quite gutted this time, as, rare for me, I felt really quite optimistic about this one!

Well, after my disappointment over my Mr Beach date last night, I did a stupid thing and messaged Mr Beard late last night to give him one last chance, AND sent a pic of myself I was pleased with - nothing dodgy - just a selfie of me in my dress, hair done etc for my date with Mr Beach....

So, he has just this minute deghosted himself, and said he will "see if we can meet this weekend" . No apology or explanation for his days of silence, some words of praise for my pic! No actual firm timing or location either......

What would you do? The trouble is, I would advise anybody else not to, as if he can go ghost once he can do it again.....

But the heart wants what the heat wants. (And it's so rare for the bitter and shrivelled up, cynical prune I now have in place of a heart to want anything at all!).

@Ilovelurchers i wouldnt chase anymore.

Interesting reading everybody's experiences regarding living situations!

I always feel a little uneasy if a man lives in a house share with other men, just because of safety.

I don't agree that this process is easier for women. I think that some men have a really easy time with it & some women do, but some of us (both sexes) find it difficult!

Ilovelurchers Difficult one. Only you can decide how you'd like to move forward. Personally, I'd probably be feeling too insecure about myself at this point, & think that he is only interested because he saw that photo of me looking 'at my best', but that's just my own demons talking!

Sorry, I am not being deliberately obtuse, but I just don't really understand how statistically this can be true.

If there are a similar number of men and women in the world, how can it be statistically so much easier for women to get dates than men? Unless you think a small number of men are dating multiple women?

I have heard the view that dating is easier for women than men before, but the maths just doesn't make sense to me.....

Hook-up sites yes - I accept that these attract more men than women, because society is more accepting of men enjoying NSA sex, so fewer women will venture on there.

But in terms of people warning full relationships, surely the numbers must be roughly equal?

My partner lives on his own. Dont think theres anything wrong with it. I prefer it.

Thank you, and I do see what you mean about the pic. Tho, to be fair, I usually send a bang up to date one once the date has been arranged anyway - my profile ones are only a year old at most, but even so, at 47 I feel I am ageing all the time, so I do like them to know exactly what they are letting themselves in for!

And even though it was a flattering pic in the sense that my hair looked sane and I was in a dress and make-up, it did give a fair indication of what I will look like on any first date I have! (Hppefully by the time they get the see the real, no-makr-up, bed-head me, they'll be so wowed by my sexual prowess that the blow will be softened somewhat! 🤣) X

@Ilovelurchers please dont see this in the wrong way, it is just my explanation:

Say there are 100 men on Tinder. As a woman, you will only swipe right on the 20 most attractive photos at any one time. You will bypass the other 80.

Your Mr Beard is in the top 20. Im in most womens Bypass 80%

Now if there are 100 women on Tinder. Most men will right swipe on at least 80 of them, and Bypass 20.

My point is, it is usually only the top quarter of attractive men who get matches. Whereas at least 75% of women get matches.

Ahh, Ilovelurchers I'm sure that he absolutely will be since he said 'weekend' with no day specified, I'd maybe send one last message tomorrow morning, along the lines of 'I am free Saturday afternoon' (or whenever is your preference) & give him until the end of the day to respond?

ForResShark You don't know why women swipe on men. If I see a man on the apps who I think is really good looking then I instantly swipe past, so there's that. I'm not interested in their looks on a photo because I'd rather meet them in person (if that date ever happens)

What I will swipe past is any 'Woe is me' type profiles. 'Nobody will swipe on me because I'm short/overweight/old' Nope. I like humour. 'Yes that is my actual height, it's not a typo, I mean look at me standing next to my 6 foot mate, I look like his son!'. Now this profile, I will swipe Right on, because it made me laugh.

I'm not offended at all - I asked you to explain after all.

Is it statistically true that most men swipe right on four put of five, and most women only swipe right on one out of five? I have never read any studies done on this one way or another, but happy to accept that that's true.

If it is, I certainly wouldn't assume that ours is the preferable position to be in! Personally I hate the thought of going on a date with someone who would on average find three out of five women more attractive than me! I would much prefer it if my potential dates were more selective, and only swiped right out of genuine admiration and (potential) desire.

The fact that they would swipe right on almost anyone is an EXTREMELY depressing thought, if true!

I just asked AI about this, as I was curious.

The swiping stats are apparently true - men do indeed swipe right much much more often than women.

There is however no evidence that this is based primarily on attractiveness of pics. Women's swiping can be about perceived compatability, safety issues, loads of other factors, according to AI (and my own experience/that of friends).

(During my first experience with OLD, I used to swipe left on anyone I thought was conventionally attractive, because my self esteem was so low that I thought I was hideous. I only matched with my ex because he was one of my first swipes and I didn't know what I was doing - if I had done I would have definitely swiped left because he was so handsome, and missed out on a five year relationship and the best sex of my life to date! Admittedly a lot of heartache and financial exploitation too.....🤦. But my point is, it took a lot of therapy to get me to a point where I wasn't actively swiping left on attractive guys!

And none of this translates into greater ease of getting dates! A lot of men are just doing their selection after the swiping phase.

I certainly get plenty of matches who never even respond to my messages. Other female friends say the same. Presumably these guys have just swiped right on everyone/almost everyone, and wait till they get a match before actually deciding whether they find us to be someone they want to pursue.

So there is no great benefit here to being a woman. If anything, it just means you waste slightly more time writing messages to people who aren't ever going to reply to you!

@Ilovelurchers @LiquidSquid yes what im saying is - most men swipe right on most women, to widen their chances of getting a date.

So if youre a woman, you have a high chance of getting a date.

Whereas if youre a guy - you have a lower chance. Unless youre the type of guy that most women swipe right on ie classically handsome. Most women want quite a smilar man. Not all, but most.

The research I am looking at suggests that women swipe based on a complex range of factors. Looks being one, but by no means the only or even main one.

What makes you think women swipe primarily based on looks, and especially classical handsomeness?

Not sure I love being one of many - but it is what it is and I can accept these stats and probably got a date through those reasons so can’t complain yet ha.

I am not however sure it is looks - though I’m now 60 and that is a bit different. I also choose the search function to scroll through my ‘options’ so I don’t mainly do simple swiping.

The pic and a strap line are the first things I see so I can choose to look further or not - I do tend to click on around (apparently) my age range - don’t look cross - can’t see a swastika tattoo - haven’t some obscene user name or strap line - there is an element of looks I guess but tbh I don’t swipe the super fit and rarely have except to be nosy.

Once on the profile then I like humour, bit of interesting info and no half naked fish carrying guys or whiners!

Tbh this time around I refused to message first - not that into it - I’d do same rundown on profile with non negotiables ruled out and try answer the rest and see what happened. My own profile was left very short - so you may be right - they swipe anyone in radius lol - but it was still sufficient for some to add in a comment on it which sparked a conversation. Those copy and pastes telling me I had an amazing profile and/or pics were binned - I had neither ha.

Then it’s onto conversation- it is a long and sometimes tedious process and if it is draining - leave it a bit - you seem to get most interest day you log back after a break tbh lol.

I guess you’re right as in I had a high screen out rate and I reckon a lot of us do on here - but it’s not just the looks at all.

@Ilovelurchers its just from what i have read, seen, heard and observed for many years. On dating apps, most women pnly swipe right on the top 20% of attractive men.

And why wouldnt you? Dating apps are not designed for average looking guys to get a lot of success. These guys may get one or two dates at best.

I would fuck him right off but as you say...

❤️

Maybe men need to stop mass swiping like it’s the apocalypse then 🤷‍♀️ straight men make up the biggest use base of the ‘standard’ apps (tinder, hinge) etc and their numbers heavily outweigh women. Women, in turn get flooded and can afford to be choosy. It’s a problem of men’s own making, more thoughtful likes would significantly help towards levelling the playing field.

The big assumption being it is looks that makes women swipe.

For me it's part of the story.

Ugh, keep going, someone lovely will turn up.

Im 50 and was only get likes from elderly looking men for awhile…took 6 months to find my current squeeze ❤️

@Ilovelurchers as an example, I was on Tinder last night and i swiped right on at least 40 women. Not one match.

Im no model but..

@ForRedShark I don’t think it’s just looks. Some people genuinely jut have a nice vibe on their profile. Hard to explain but when someone comes across as positive and confident then I am way more likely to swipe right. I find it a bit off putting if they are too conventionally handsome!

Matched with a few guys over the past couple of days.

One replied last night in full blown txt spk. Maybe this is judgemental of me but I just can’t bring myself to reply 😂

One the conversation is pretty dry/stilted.

One seems super nice and interesting, but he’s just told m he lives in a small town hours away (but visits my city once a week). Not sure what to do about him yet.

Mr Umbrella and I have a coffee date for Saturday morning.

Then…the noncommittal Mr Charismatic and I are organising to go to a new French restaurant that just opened. Very cute, cosy and romantic place, great wine list, think candlelight, fairy lights, and jazz piano playing in the background. Of course this is the date I’m looking forward to the most 🤦‍♀️

BoxOfCats Sounds like you are having lots of fun!

@BoxOfCats thanks, i do try and keep an upbeat Bumble bio, mentioning hobbies, well written and also i say what im looking for.

Im baffled as to why i never get matches.

Im Asian,so I wont be to everyones taste. I can live with that.

But surely.somebodys?

@BoxOfCats I agree, there are plenty of male model types that could be fake profiles, players or completely vacuous. I wouldn’t swipe right on them and they’d be in the most physically attractive category. But they’re not for me.
Now I do like a man I find attractive (and most of my friends wouldn’t, that’s for the best and another story). But personality and confidence always wins me over.

@ForRedShark Given how you reacted to your previous date and your comments above I do think you need longer away from dating. The vibe will come across and it’s nothing to do with how you look. If you go and try new hobbies or socialise in person you could feel better and meet someone, or at least have something to chat about. The people I find most interesting are happy and have a good life, as I do. Try and live well first and you may find someone when you’re not looking as often.