The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh this is an absolute fluke and I have no doubt it'll follow the fate of the rest of them! I find most of my dates on Feeld but obviously depends on what you're looking for.

I've had Feeld recommended to me so many times.....

But I am a teacher, so think I would have to make my profile anonymous on there, no pics?

That's what AI said when I asked it, anyway.....

hopping on to join this great thread. Newish to online dating. Just on Match. Realising there are a lot of men who like to chat and disappear or are rubbish at texts. Just had one, we will call him Nature Man who was messaging me for about a week, suggested meeting this weekend but wanted to finalise nearer the time. Now not heard from him since before yesterday and message unread🙄
just started talking to another guy Mr Concrete and the conversation is hard going. Will answer my questions but then not ask me something. Oh my. I getting the impression this is just normal for online dating apps. Oh and because I’m in my fifties it’s dawning on me that men of my age tend to be looking a lot more older than me. Or I attract the pensioners🙈

I'm also a public servant and have face pics on there!

I would also be happy with a solid long term FWB too so Feeld is perfect for me.

@CleanShirt I wish i could have that type of night that you just had, but with a woman -( -(

Thank you - I know you are right - I wish I didn't second guess myself like this!

Did a bit more swiping this morning - used up all my Bumble likes in fact! A couple of positive matches who are chatting back, so we'll see. I thought it was important to get right back on the horse, so that I don't waste time over-thinking my Mr Beach decision....

The first time I ever went on OLD (which we as how I met my ex - about 5 years ago now) a couple of friends who met their spouses on there told me OLD is a numbers game, and to swipe and date as much as possible to maximise my chances.

Logically this does make sense.....

Welcome! This thread is a great place for advice, humour, support and no judgement - it's absolutely my favourite space on Mumsnet!

I hear you about the chatters - SO frustrating when you are looking to date seriously..... And so common. Remember, it's not you, and it's nothing you are doing wrong. It's the nature of the beast.

@Midnight19 women on apps can be terrible at asking questions as well, so youre not alone, ive seen it from the other side too.

@ForRedShark Oh yes I’m sure the women are a mixed bunch as well re conversations. Some people are just better in real life and feel a bit stilted texting. That’s what I’m hoping

@CleanShirtkeeping my fingers crossed for you and Mr Mullet.

@Midnight19 possibly, i have found that women who cant ask questions on the app, tend to be that way in person as well. But not everyone will be like that.

Do you tend to give up if they answer you twice but not ask? I unmatch if its twice.

That's interesting - maybe I am being over cautious about Feeld?

I have been considering trying another app - I do feel I've maybe gone through the whole of Bumble at least twice now! 🤣

@ForRedSharkthat's a very firm boundary! Not saying it's good - we all have our personal red flags, and if that's one for you, then fair enough.

Do you unmatch at this point even if you really like everything else about them?

I guess I never thought about conversations I was having in that way - I think I ask questions, I hope I do, but I guess I just let the conversation flow, so maybe sometimes I do talk about myself a bit more?

It's interesting, and definitely something I will give some thought to.

Sorry, that should say not saying it's NOT good. Boundaries are generally good!

It used to be a lot more niche but there's a lot of Hinge refugees on there now.

@Ilovelurchers the thing is, by then it becomes Hard Work for me to constantly have to " carry" the chat , by always having to ask the questions, so I feel fed up. The woman has to put the effort in as well.

Its refreshing if she asks things from the start, and shares the load. One person shouldnt have to bear it all.

@Ilovelurchers what i do is, I actually tell her that she hasnt asked me anything back. They then either apologise and ask me something like where I live etc, or they get defensive about it.

Same for me! So difficult for me to be attracted to someone.

Fair enough - I certainly agree that if the effort and interest isn't there on both sides, there is no point.

Mr Beach actually said to me a couple of times that he liked me because I responded to things he said - I didn't really see what he was driving at, because that's just how conversation works surely? But perhaps he meant what you are referring to - that some people just don't engage properly, so the conversation doesn't flow.

I guess it's just not something I have ever analysed really . I know some conversations flow more naturally than others, but I've never really thought of it in terms of who is asking the questions, if that makes sense?

It's interesting to get other perspectives.

@ForRedSharkyour tactic is actually a good test to see how they react to their lack of curiosity or moving the conversation on. You’ve given me something to ponder trying. For me I wouldn’t rule them out straight away depending on what I like about them.

Some conversations are definitely Hard Work - but I’ve never really thought why so much - if they’re too short, boring or around weather, work today, then I have to give in and drop out.

I also have to admit if I’m really into answering a nice long message and thinking about the points in it then I can easily forget to put in a question - I do generally tend to notice myself and add something in if it wasn’t there naturally, but it can be a real downside of my conversations I think. You may well have banned my messages though haha - if it was very early messaging them I would be answering and asking of course till conversation starts up properly - if I didn’t ask anything at the start I pretty much am not interested but being polite, or rather not yet interested but leaving it open a little naybe to waiting for an improvement.

I like humour - if the conversation has none, or they don’t recognise mine, then it’s too flat for me generally or embarrassing they think I’m being serious lol

I guess it’s the ‘bounce’ you have with some and not others in life as in messaging - maybe a shared interest or experience can often help spark that off.

I messaged around 4 guys last time on a regular basis - the messages were longer and fun and flowed - for both in the conversation I think.

Boundaries are good but maybe ensure you apply them to the context rather than being too rigid?

Me too. This never used to be the case when I was younger - I used to find so many different sorts of people attractive. But it's hugely narrowed now.

Excitingly (and perhaps recklessly) I have just fixed a date for next week with a guy I only matched with this morning, whose pictures definitely indicate he would be my type (he's a big chunk of man, bascially, and a bit rough around the edges - increasingly this is what I go for in physical terms). If I don't fancy him in person, I'm seriously going to question whether menopause is impacting my libido.....

@Midnight19 @MsJinks if I am into a chat, and typing a long reply, yes it can be easy to forget to also include a question or two in there. If I do forget, i always send a quick follow up message with a question in, to avoid her thinking that im ignorant.

I think once a chat develops more, you can reply in " statements" more often e.g. " Great yes ive visited China too", but in the initial stages, both parties need to ask questions or it wont build.

I just want to meet a woman who is good at coversing!

@Ilovelurchers i definitely think OLD is easier for women than men. Women get so many more matches and dates easily, I could never manage to match and arrange as quick as you just did.

@ForRedSharkbut it's blokes I am dating remember, so it's definitely not only women who can do this.

I think what helps is that I am 47, so have a degree of self-assurance (counselling helped hugely with this), so I feel confident to state what I am looking for from OLD early doors, which is actual dates!

(The discussion upthread shows that many people, male and female, are happy to have matches that remain on+like friends, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but at this point in my life that's not of any interest to me).

So in the first few messages I say that I am only really interested in pursuing it if they want to meet up soon. (I say this respectfully obviously - I am far from Boundaries Ice Queen I might be presenting myself as here!)

And some blokes challenge this, or just block me at that point, and that's absolutely fine. I am not particularly rejection-sensitive at this point. I would rather know, than waste my time.

It doesn't always work out though. I had one recently, Mr Builder, who agreed a date about 10 days in advance, happily chatted away to me, then cancelled the date that morning. There is no way I can really prevent that happening - it's just one of those things.