Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

Hopefully those from the previous thread will see this - it’s lonely on my own!

Hey Bluebell! Well done for starting a new thread. 🙂

@SpecialMangeTout3 @Nogoodusername @Echobelly @itreallydoesntmatteranymore
@mini2025

Been here a long time, couldn’t let it get lost!

I’ll read through the last thread and tag more later

I’m here! Mostly a lurker. But am here :)

Thank you for the new thread @Bluebellforest1 !!

@windyw

Thank you Bluebell. Good to have this still going 🥰

Wow, what a time to come across this thread even though it's obviously been running for years and I've never noticed it.

Not married but several years into a relationship with dunno what to call him really - emotionally stunted? He's clearly on the spectrum but never diagnosed (his eldest is). We don't live together which am sure enables him to compartmentalise me - increasingly am finding the lack of empathy and thought about how something affects me frustrating me to tears. Anything vaguely emotional must have a rational solution eg work stress = log off and tomorrow is another day, lack of communication = WhatsApp is a valid thing and why should he call. His rigidity of thinking and routine is exasperating at times, along with lack of decision making as he is paralysed with the idea of change.

There's something in me that wants to give up on him but on so many levels I don't. Can you teach a middle aged man empathy?! Sorry for the ramble but am going to read back over some other threads to gain insight!

Hi everyone, thanks Bluebell 🙂

Welcome @backtoschoolsnot to the thread no one really wants to be on!
do read back through previous threads, lots of wisdom (mostly!) here

@backtoschoolsnot Unless he wants to learn empathy then sadly not. How much is a calm and peaceful life without the stress of someone else calling all the shots (or at least making it impossible to do things any way other than their way)worth?

@backtoschoolsnot I tend to think that after 40, we become a more concentrated version of our true selves so the chances of him magically becoming or being open to being trained to becoming more empathic if he's not very empathic are probably slim.

I don’t think they want to learn empathy though, that’s the problem. Those that can aren’t the subject of these threads.

Their solution has always been you need to adapt around them and their world and their way of doing things.

God forbid you should have needs of your own!! That’s simply not allowed!

Personally knowing what I know now I would have thrown this one back in the sea had I known how much I’d abandon myself in trying to get him to show love the way I know love to be and feel.

It’s ever so bad for you. On so many levels. Destructive I’d say, makes you minimise yourself into nothingness and into the smallest version of yourself possible just to survive. It’s really not worth it and love should never be that hard to come by. It’s either there or it’s not. Wish I’d not wasted 20+ years.

So yesterday I'm in the office and miss a call - the message is DS has got distressed in his English Literature test and the teacher invigilating thinks she should just stop he test and send him home. DH did get the call, and I think that was really good as DS got to hear DH say that was OK, that it was fine to take the tube home rather than walking as neither of us could pick him up. He'd already told DS in the morning he wouldn't be angry if he couldn't do the test.

I was out with oldest DC in the evening, but DH was great with DS it sounds like. They got a takeaway together, then DH took him to do laser tag with his Scouts explorers group and talked a bit afterwards to establish what the issue is.

As I kind of suspected, DS was thrown because he just doesn't understand the question, it asked how the author 'presented' something and he didn't get that just meant 'what the author/characters say about...' This is one reason I want to explore whether DS might have specific language difficulties when we see the educational psychologist in a few weeks. He's so bright and he can read age appropriate books, but he really has difficulty with comprehension and analysing language.

Anyway, this morning I thanks DH and told him that last night is what DS needs from him.

@Echobelly Wow that’s a big relief, I mean he may yet be unhelpful, if he’s having a bad day when DS has another wobble, but glad your DH was so supportive of DS.

Absolutely - I need him, and DS needs him, to be consistent, not fall apart because he's having a bad day/is tired/not on medicatiom

That’s brilliant Echobelly. Definitely worth exploring with the Ed Psych though.
For what it’s worth, my middle son, (now almost 40) always hated reading fiction and really struggled with his reading at primary school. He would however read “1000 fantastic facts”! He had extra English Lit help from a local tutor before GCSE’s. Before he left home for uni he suddenly started reading novels and is now an avid reader!

Morrisons26 I could have written your post word for word. It’s broken me.

Well I'm about 7 months post separation now and I'm starting to feel more like me. DH is still living in our family home but he's bought a flat and will go very soon now.

It's going to take years of course to become something of the person I was before marrying DH, but by putting a line in the sand and saying "no more" and starting the process of living separate lives and separate homes, I feel like I have gained my self-respect back and I notice also that DH respects me far more now too, more like the old days when we first met. He knows now I see him for what he truly is. And I don't feel so much anger now, which was a very common supressed feeling for me, during the marriage. Now, I just want to be free of him, completely.

I think we only feel broken when we believe there are no other options. But when you decide that you're worth putting first and that you deserve more, that's when life starts to slowly heal you. It's incredibly painful and I spent much of the first few months crying. But I don't cry much now, certainly not for him, more for myself and how much I put myself through to stay in the marriage and how much I missed out on, so much life, and for the children too, what they missed out on.

And I am making plans for the future, picking up old dreams from 20 years ago that now actually have some chance of life, instead of reducing myself into DH's routines and expectations of who I should be - to adapt around him and his world - forever.

That's no way to live for anyone, it's like a death by a thousand cuts. The biggest relief is not having to pretend anymore. Not having to act. Not having to say 'this is enough, I'll cope one more day, I shouldn't expect too much, it's not that bad.'

I really hope you find a way forward and out of it. There's so much life to be had on the other side. My social life has really opened up too. I am finally starting to connect with people in a much deeper way, the way things used to be for me, before I met DH.

I hope you find some relief, however you can Bluebell. I have been broken but I think it's possible to heal.

I am Mini2025 from before. I changed my username :)

Just had a quick trawl through the end of the last thread, and tagging
@NDisthisit
@BustyLaRoux
@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar
@SortingItOut
@Imdunfer
@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

waves!

Hi, still here, making some progress even at 73. DH is now recognising and apologising for how peculiar he gets before a medical appointments. Which is just as well because every time we knock one problem off the list, a new one joins it. From out of nowhere we're now looking at a hip replacement and I'm in limbo about how much his inability to walk is going to ruin the holiday of a lifetime that starts in just over a months time. Then we'll have the operation and rehab to look forward to, which I admit he will plan like a military campaign and do brilliantly with.

He has also allowed me to bully him into dealing with more than one problem at a time. He wanted, for example, to get the sign off on his heart and then his epilepsy before dealing with the fact he can't walk. I booked a scan and an orthopedic surgeon and told him when we were going and drove him there. He now admits that was the right thing to do. I told him that was just as well as I was going to go out of my mind waiting for him to take action.

Best wishes to everyone.