Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

I have found (by chance really) that antihistamines greatly reduce dh snoring!
He usnt keen on taking them all the time but when it’s bad, it makes all the difference.

@SpecialMangeTout3 you can take the lower grade ones most of the time and they won’t do any harm at all. My DH has been on mad doses of all three main antihistamine drugs, at the same time, before and been fine with it. Although if his snoring isn’t seasonal might be worth checking whether he could be allergic to something in the bedroom that is bunging his sinuses up at night?

Interesting. Not tried that one, but it seemed to be pretty consistently bad - got worse after he put on some weight, and slightly better when he lost some. Occasionally on holiday we found it was better in other beds.

I think what I'll try when we get this pillow is perhaps coming in to the bed early in the morning (when it's his turn in our bed) after a few days when he's already asleep so I don't stop him dropping off and then I can also tell if it's working at all or not.

I was a bit nervous when tonight, the evening before DS's second and final maths test, DH decided finally to check on his work and I did tell him 'Please stay chilled so he can go into his test calmly', and he appreciated me reminding him and did stick to it, and was fairly pleased with how DS did anyway.

🤞🤞 all goes well for this last test

I think this one will be OK. If he can just get back towards his previous scores for maths we can take that off the worry list for GCSEs.

History tomorrow - we've made some progress with helping him write, but it's a bit too little too late, so I'm expecting another freeze situation. If we keep at a little every day over summer I'm hopeful we can make an impact. School SENCO finally got back with school questionnaire so we can send to Ed Psych for assessment next week.

After that he has nearly two weeks until psychology and maybe a drama exam - he seems to think he doesn't have a drama exam, but I will ask him to check with teacher tomorrow! But those shouldn't be so bad provided he does some revision in the interim.

Sadly didn't go too well, o started developing a bad feeling in the afternoon. He didn't totally freeze but he wasn't happy about it, so I guess maths remains on the worry list.

On the other hand, I came back from being out with a friend in the evening and DH was apologising for something be said to DS (repeatedly) a year or two back that might have made written exams harder for him and telling DS he was wrong and sorry that it may have made life harder for him. It had been preying on my mind for ages and I'm really glad DH had the realisation himself and apologised.

Oh that’s a very good step forward for both your dh and your dc.
Hopefully this will help your ds to feel more confident.

I have to say, I’m wondering if the freeze he experienced in math is not more about stress and knowing how to handle it rather than his ND or his knowledge.
In that case, doing yet more revisions/more pressure to learn might not be the right track?
How does it feel to you? Am I totally on the wrong track there?

Yes, absolutely. I think he can definitely revise more, and more effectively too. He doesn't write notes enough, for example. He's had the odd set of tests where he seems to find it in himself to get down to it, but it doesn't stick. The difficulty is we need to work out how to help him do it and be consistent if it's to happen. I'm trying to see if he can work a bit more intensively on psychology now he has nearly 2 weeks to focus on it

At the end of the day, whatever his results are we have agreed we can say 'We know you are disappointed but ultimately you have not done all the revision you can in the best way. Remembering is hard but there are effective ways to revise and you do need to give everything more time, but if you find the right methods it doesn't have to be constant or too boring.

I don't imagine he'll have managed history today - we made some progress with the writing but he didn't have much time to absorb the facts. But if he managed anything, even some short answers, that is something.

Hello, I am married to an Autistic man. He is extremely, how can I say this…efficient. He gets things done, very little complaining, hoards unnecessary things and doesn’t like me moving things but those things I can cope with. Lately something happened in my life that I’m finding hard to navigate, lots of conflicting feelings for me. My H is utterly useless in this situation, he carries on as normal, will never ask if I’m ok, just travels down the same track. I find myself isolating from him because I’m sad really and tired. When I’m with him I feel I cant feel my feelings, well I can but there is no use feeling them around him, if that makes sense. If I tell him he looks at me like I am an alien.

The things that are happening are around our young child who is 99% autistic but the school are saying they are too young for evaluation. The behaviour is becoming more challenging, I’m get hit, threatened, thrown things as. They are almost 4. They have excellent communication skills but the temper and the frustration is getting out of control. Anyway an incident has happened at school and I’m just struggling with it really. I think that I am autistic also, I struggle with many things. But unlike my Husband I feel things very much and he very little but I’m much less efficient as I get stuck on things.

I don’t know what I’m asking for, I am just struggling with the fact I hold all the weight of everything whilst he doesn’t. I’m not sure if that’s because I worry too much or because he doesn’t seem to worry about anything. He has little empathy and I’m overkill.

Hi Marshmallow, I wonder if you’ve heard of alexithymia, a difficulty in understanding and making your emotions. Might your partner be feeling things but unable to name them?

It sounds like you might be hyper vigilant to other People’s feelings. Maybe your partner didn’t trigger this because of his self-containment but now you’re wanting him to communicate, you’re running up against his challenges?

I know the loneliness you’re feeling, and it’s really hard. To what extent your partner can change to meet your needs is an open question. My partner goes to therapy, but that’s been about his poor mental health as much as for our relationship. It has improved our ability to communicate, along with me doing major research into autistic communication. To be honest I’d start there. You might be able to tune into your partners different communication. If they have alexithymia you can use a feelings wheel. There are great resources at Neurodivergent Insights, there’s a few good episodes about relationships on the Hidden 20% podcast. Hugs x

Maybe you can work on your own nervous system also? Somatic therapy can be helpful for this, EMDR, grounding, tapping etc. I find my own therapy helps my relationship hugely as I am able to meet my own needs by myself a lot better. Actually meditation has been massively helpful for me.

You are my inspiration. I am trying to escape but it’s so very hard. I’m working on it.

The thought of growing old with him is unbearable.

I definitely do need to work on my own nervous system. I try to talk myself out of my feelings and bring them down with some
common sense. But a lot of the time my nervous system has its own mind. We are two very different autistic people. It’s funny how the same things can create two completely different people. I’m definitely OTT and he is non reactive. It looks like he doesn’t care and I over care. The thing is that I may over care and make myself ill but I actually do something, I help people, I get things in place. He on the other hand is not actioned into doing anything. I don’t know why or what that is or what causes him to do nothing. He doesn’t appear overwhelmed he appears totally underwhelmed. Can two autistic people so different like this? Is this simply because he doesn’t know his own feelings and I do, I just experience them intensely and all the bloody time.

You’re very kind and can I say you sound amazing!! Yes, It is incredibly hard to escape this situation as it wears you down so very badly from the inside of yourself. It’s like they have the key to you internally and yet you’d never have put yourself in such a compromising position if you’d truly known just how bad it would get. It’s insidious and slow the way they grind you down from the inside out, so that by the time you want to leave you have nothing left, no energy or spring to draw from and then you can feel truly trapped. That’s how I felt. Trapped and despairing. Our lives were so rigid and intertwined it felt like a black hole, drawing me in. There was no way out.

But there is always hope, even when it feels like there is none. Putting one foot in front of the other, little by little, taking the steps to become free again. Or perhaps a complete collapse, that’s what it took for me. Either way, you have a goal. You will fulfil it. Allow your conscious and subconscious to take control. If you want it badly enough you will get there and by the way you write, I think you will. I come back here to write and give hope because I was so down five years ago, even a year ago and I used to read of women on here who’d escaped and I thought one day that could be me. But I wasn’t ready then. Was just fooling myself that I’d be ok, that I wasn’t ready, and maybe I was somehow different. My relationship would last. What a fool I was. I wish I’d done it years ago. Good luck with it all 🥰

Another weekend of minimal communication - out of sight, out of mind. It's been a hard one for me with my children but no real support for me in coping with it. Possibly might have sent an as yet unresponded end of tether text earlier. That concept of alexithymia is fascinating @WindyW , am going to read up on it

DP & I have a couple of long weekends booked over the summer and I think I will seriously look at how we manage those before I call it a day or dial it back a lot. I met him during the breakdown of my marriage and wonder if I went to him for comfort and now some years down the line, my mind was lost in lust!

Sending you strength @Echobelly one of my children is suffering with exams though the SENCO has been stonking at their school and made an enormous difference so I hope you get provision sorted for GCSEs.

Oooh I just have to vent a little here...

Is anyone's DH also so irritable? My gosh I can't say anything or it makes him angry.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I always thought it was my fault that I said something wrong that made my family blow up. I'm starting to learn that making a suggestion like "You know, you could get legal documents arranged to cover that case." is not wrong. It's just a remark, part of normal conversation, that can be replied to politely as in "Oh no thanks, I'll work it out in person with them" and it certainly does not warrant an emotional meltdown...

DH is managing this reasonably very well lately, he does not resort to angry retorts anymore or wailing that I just called him an idiot, but the anger just steams off him anyway. He is holding it in check, he is able to say "I appreciate that you tell me this, but it just makes me so angry and I don't know why".

Of course I'm telling myself that I am wrong to ever suggest solutions to people that they didn't ask for, but fuck that makes me miserable, if you just always have to bite your tongue, smile, and go "oh dear, my gosh, my my" and all that crap. I'm not that kind of woman. So yeah, the joy of the dance. You can't move or you touch some sore spot in him, and that in turn touches a sore spot in me.

Joy...

This made me think of the argument I had with my young child (definitely autistic) the other day. I made myself a cup of tea and brought her a drink of orange juice. To which she threw it at me and said “mummy why did you bring me a drink, I did not ask for it”! Can’t even do the basics of humanness! It’s hard to change how you operate. But she is right, she did not ask for one.

Yeah, I have been on the receiving end of that too, because I have to follow a strict diet. People kept offering me a biscuit with my tea. No. Piece of cake? No. "Nothing at all???" It made them deeply uncomfortable, feels like some kind of pressure to accept it, which makes me uncomfortable still. But I don't want it, it's not worth the trouble I get afterwards.

So I do get it from the other side. Feels like the only way to avoid discomfort is to detach completely, just never offer information, advice, food, anything... And always ask "Do you want ... (advice, opinion, an ear, something to eat)?" And wait for the whole world to start doing that too... Right, haha. Or we both learn to say thanks but no thanks and leave it at that.

Perhaps we can all just follow by example and throw stuff at each other that we never asked for…….hmmmm I never asked for autistic children so do I throw them, also never asked for bills or rain or…….the unreasonable list can go on! Or maybe just maybe we can flex a small amount and adapt. It’s hard, I find adapting hard but still I don’t behave badly.

oh this offering stuff is a minefield.
Because yes they haven’t asked for it.
But then it’s also a way you show care - even if a bit overbearing - so the ‘correct’ answer is not to lash out and have a go at the person but to say thank you. Something like ‘I don’t really want some orange juice right now but thank you to have thought about me’.

Tbf too, asking first before giving an advice, offering something, giving a hug etc… is something many people/psychologists advise yo do anyway, regardiess of NT/ND. All about consent etc….

@AmusedAquaTraybake dh would get annoyed at unwanted advice/support too.
Now I dint give any unless I can see it’s going to affect me (or the dcs) badly. I’m not rescuing him when it goes wrong either.

It’s been very hard to do. I’ve been a rescuer all my life, feeling responsible fir everyone feelings and state of mind.

And sometimes, I look at things and can see it’s going to go down badly. So it’s hard. I don’t really want dh to experience those hard times.
But on the other side, always stepping in was infantilising him, he stopped taking responsibility, always deferring to me/asking rather than making decisions himself.
It’s done it a lot of good, apart from me avoiding the anger at unwanted advice, to let him learn his own way.

@Marshmallowkiss dh gets very angry at unwanted/unplanned bills!!

Having posted the other day that DS probably wouldn't be able to do history, he was actually quite pleased with how it went - we know he won't get a high mark, but writing a reasonable amount, especially after not managing the English tests, is a really good effort and encouraging.

@AmusedAquaTraybake - DH isn't always irritable, but he is hard to manage when tired or ill, and sometimes snapping comes out of the blue. Like just occasionally I'll make the sort of gentle-pisstaking remark about him that we'd regularly make at one another and laugh, and without any warning he'll be all 'Hey, that was a nasty thing to say!' or he'll be angry that I've made a decision that I had absolutely no reason to believe he'd object to or even want to be consulted on. Which can be quite jarring.

Sometimes with advice when he's in a bad mood he will demand I give him a solution for something, and then refuse every option I suggest.

At what point does someone’s needs or “I can’t help it” become a problem? Is it ok for someone’s unintentional actions to hurt others? I’ve had this argument this morning with my children. The younger went up to the older to give a cuddle to which the older pushed her hard and she fell. Her need for control caused her to put her hands on another. Whilst I can understand and put measures in place I can’t control every single interaction. Being on the other end of this has consequences. I’m finding all these relationships very challenging.

The thing is, it’s not something limited to ND. Nor is it possible to assume we should all go through life without ever hurting others. We all have a past, we all have our triggers and staying calm at all times isn’t possible nor good (repressed emotions etc etc).

Repair though is essential.
Not just a ‘I’m sorry’ that’s meaningless.
And part of that is the willingness to do better, to take responsibility and to be able to see that, in most cases, both protagonists could have done better.

Like your example of one child giving an (unwanted, unasked for) cuddle and the other pushing them away (probably too hard).
Both of them are wrong. Both of them put their hands on the other wo asking. Both of them need to learn.

I feel its a really hard subject tbh.