Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

In school and in therapy they teach my daughter that her feelings are valid, they matter and they are big but they aren’t the most important. She doesn’t get to dismiss everyone else just because she feels something deeply. She has this belief that her feelings are more important because they consume her. That’s part of the ADHD. It seems many adults partners on here can’t see past their own feelings to allow any space for others. I wonder if they got more understanding of themselves and how their brain works they can see how the ADHD is effecting the others in their lives. My daughter is being taught this all the time as well as us all understanding her so we can come together.

It’s 3 instalments because they match the 3 instalments for student loans. That way it’s less likely students will default on the payment.

Once he is house-sharing, it’s quite possible that the landlord will expect a similar organisation. I know some do, some don’t. And it might have changed with the new renting rules of this spring.

Great that you’ve sorted it!

One word of caution. I left the dcs sorting it out and they did ok. But it’s worth double checking with them they’ve done it all. Including sharing the fact theyre receiving a loan to pay for the tuition fee (one of mine forgot…. Cue for a panic in December when university basically told them they needed to sort it out or they weren’t a student)

DC is very organised - I heard for the first time the other day that be students could book a meningitis jab and when I mentioned it to them they had literally just booked theirs. They did the form for accommodation in front of me, but I will just double check with them they have confirmation it's all through tomorrow morning. I've paid the deposit.

DC and I have just had a lovely day at Glyndebourne opera festival.

Oh @Echobelly I did a behind the scenes tour a few years ago and it was fab. Also did an arranged trip to watch Midsummer Nights Dream this year and not sure my teen has forgiven me yet! It was such hard work to watch. I’m local and it was ridiculously cheap as a Home Ed thing so I could chalk it up to experience! 🤣

Haha! Britten definitely not everyone's cup of tea, though I love his opera version. I sang the role of Peaseblossom in a recording and concert performance of Britten's Midsummer Nights Dream when I was 16, so I know it very well.

@Echobelly oh that’s fab! Yeah I’m afraid he wasn’t for me…..but hopefully I’ll manage something a bit more friendly and persuade the teenager to take a second shot at Opera! I won him over to Shakespeare with Much Ado at the Globe so you never know.

Am not married to nor do I live with my ND partner but one thing I remember early on in our relationship was me asking him why his marriage ended, he said one thing his his exw was fed up of his blinkered fixation on things. Oh my god, 3 years down the line do I see that! It's his way or no way for so many things and trying to get him to do something else or talk about something else out of his routine is a nightmare, I've realised that I am on my own and it's not really a relationship with a future and a progression at all but just pockets of time when we are able to get together. Coming to that realisation is hard.

What’s harder is not coming to that realisation and keep hoping he will change. He won’t!

With school hols and adjusted custody patterns, we had a chat earlier and I feel more removed again, our parenting styles are so different. I dont feel its enough to end it but still another wake up.

I’m assuming that you both have dcs of your own?

Can I ask what would be your perfect living arrangement? Together but apart like you are atm or would you like to blend families under one roof?

I think depending on what you’re aiming for, your reaction might be different. Together but apart could work well even with his infiexibility. Together? With his inflexibility and different parenting styles? It sounds like it would be a recipe fir disaster.

@ThisSillySquid how are things at the moment?
Are you still finding the dog walks helpful?

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy just checking in to see how you’re doing.
I hope your treatment is still going well!

Same

Went for a walk this evening and I raised that I was concerned DH was speaking too negatively about why we needed DS to do some work over the holidays (as in, he'd twice talked about next year would be 'bleak' and he might 'end up sitting in the exam and not know what to do' if he didn't do the work) and he absolutely lost it at me and accused me of all sorts because apparently me saying 'If you keep using that message...' was me saying he's a monster and that I am assuming that's what he'll do (no, it was me being concerned about the possibility of him repeating that negative message and it making DS anxious again).

Anyway, he recovered from that outburst fairly quickly and apologised and said it was just like a spark that exploded and he just lost it, maybe due to stressful situation at work and general ADHD dysregulation. Which doesn't make it OK obviously but it's step forward that he recognised it so quickly. But is just so hard to tell when he'll take something well and when he'll just flip and that is wearing.

@Echobelly I have days where I decide to hold my tongue because DH is obviously in a negative head space but it must be exhausting when you’ve got no indicators as to how something is going to land. The fact he recognised his behaviour quickly doesn’t make it any easier other than you’re not sat with the anxious/upset feeling after the spat for so long.

I think I do need to spell out to him that while he moves on quickly (often he can't even remember what an explosion was about the next day), the people at the other end live with the feelings of anger, unfairness, anxiety etc for a loooong time after.

@Echobelly if the tables were turned and you exploded at him, just like he did to you, what would his reaction be? Could be just move on and had forgotten it the next day or actually hed still be bringing it back years later.

im struggling to understand those ‘I’m exploding and then I’ve forgotten it all the next day’

I guess it's because he really isn't, on some level, in control of it. He doesn't forget it happened, but he can't necessarily recall what it's about. Or maybe he doesn't want to on some level.

Right now I realise I feel so stressed at attempting to help DS with English that I end up not doing it. Not because I can't bear the thought that DS won't pass English, but I can't cope with the thought of DH not coping with it.

I realise I have a mindset that is very 'There is always a solution, there is always a way through, even if things don't go to plan', most of the time. I may worry about something, but I essentially believe there's a solution and that's the same with DS and English. OK, worst case scenario he'll have to take Functional Skills and move on, and my view is even if his GCSEs aren't stellar he has a lot of social advantages compared to many people that will help him.

DH I think is much more catastrophising about things. So this kind of mismatch makes it hard for him to understand that I am trying to be reassuring about 'Plan B', as in trying to say 'There's no need to be frantic, there is a solution that is good enough to progress if it comes to it'; I am not saying 'Let's not bother to set our standards any higher'

The lifetime of good support comes with spirit.

Hi everyone, I’ve popped in and out of this thread over the years. I was just wondering what experience people have had of couples therapy? I organised a session for my very reluctant ASD husband (he’s undiagnosed). We had a falling out over my ASD sons school report. I felt his talents were not being recognised. It was a fairly calm discussion but DH got really overstimulated and told me I needed tempering down. I said I didn’t like being spoken to like that. He said next time he’ll be even more abrupt. I didn’t like being threatened so I arranged the session to try and make sense of it.

I’ve come out of the session feeling like I’m the problem. The therapist says she suspects I’m ADHD and that he’s overstimulated by me. Also I need to think about communicating with less emotion. I suspected the ADHD but didn’t expect the whole session to be about me and how I’m contributing to the problem. We didn’t seem to look at the emotional neglect. How DH doesn’t speak to me with respect. It was all looked at through the lens of me being very reactive due to my ADHD and having rejection sensitivity. I’m a little shocked as I think anyone would find DH frustrating.

DH does not believe he’s ASD despite our son being very much like him. Now a professional has said about my ADHD he’s fixated on me being the problem and him being neurotypical. He’s even suggested ADHD meds to help our marriage.

Does anyone else have the ADHD wife and ASD husband dynamic? How do you cope? What are people’s experiences of couples therapy.

Was the counsellor experienced and trained in autism? Because otherwise im afraid that they will have made it all worse.

I think you need to hold very very firmly to your own faith in yourself here. Because sometimes undiagnosed autistic people can come across as the calm reasonable one and the other half as the emotional one. It takes training and skill to see below the surface. And ofc your husband will frankly be very glad to put all the responsibility on you. He isnt taking responsibility for getting an assessment for in the first place; he's going to be much happier not taking the responsibility for any other behaviour that isnt perfect too.

Believe in yourself. Question yourself sure; but be aware that his questioning of you has an agenda, which is to shift all responsibility away from him. And an inexperienced, insufficiently trained counsellor will simply not be skilled enough to see beyond that.

Mums, I have a question. Have you found a successful way to communicate with an ASD DP how their demands are completely unreasonable, when they are stuck in black-and-white thinking?

Context: autistic DP and I have a 1-year-old, we come from different countries and have lived abroad for our whole relationship (4 years). For more than 1 year, he has consistently said how he is unhappy in this country, and wants to move back to his home country. I (am overly agreeable in nature) and for many months said that probably one day we would move mainly to his home country, but recently I realised I should actually stick up for what I want, and told him that I and DD won't move to his home country. He knows I don't like it there but I used to cave to his constant complaining until I realised I need to put my foot down (but that's on me for not putting my foot down earlier).

He also barely works, I work full time and pay for all childcare and I do most of the household chores. He has decided its fair for me to give him half my income, but also doesnt want to be a SAHD (I said I'd share income if he did that or at least met half the duties).

Long story short, I know I should have not given him false hope about moving to his home country - he says he now feels resentful that I misled him - but he can't see that he's being totally unreasonable about (a) forcing me to move to a country I don't want to live in and (b) asking for half my income while he won't find work for himself (he says he has autistic burnout, but has done for 2 years and meanwhile I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to work full time and run the household).

My question is: I can't find a way to make him understand his demands are totally unfair, selfish and unreasonable. Do you have any advice how to help him understand that? (He's now gone back to his home country, not saying when he will come back, leaving me and DD in my home country for the summer. Thank god I have family here to help with DD-care while I'm working full time and trialling "single mum" life.

@mcrlover I think you should quit while you’re ahead. He is not going to change. If he’s prepared to go and leave you now he’ll do it again. I agree you may have inadvertently given him hope but having a child often focuses the mind on matters like this.
Plan the rest of your life without him. It will be much less stressful if you just act as a one woman band and do not rely on him for anything. I mean you’re pretty much there already. He’s also a cocklodger if he thinks it’s acceptable for you to do everything and refuses to be a SAHD. Sorry but I don’t see change happening.

@Dialledin I think @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar has given you a very good answer. I’m sorry it may not be the one you want but he’s going to use the counsellors words as a stick to beat you with. You already sound unhappy, if you can consider leaving I would really put some thought into it. Threatening behaviour should not be tolerated from anyone regardless of diagnosis. Hugs.

Thanks @Pashazade