I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

I have had that misfortune and also the misfortune of being cheated on.

None of those events made me be okay with helping someone inflict abuse on their spouse.

It’s the woman asking, if he came in here he’d be thrown to the wolves too.

I hate this whole bollocks that he made the vows not her, like common decency isn’t expected from the woman. He is responsible for his marriage, but come on, she’s not blameless.

Good to hear it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

You are seeking comfort for yourself rather than expressing any regret for the harm you may have caused.

Get some therapy and don't date married men while excusing it because you were in an abusive relationship.

Take responsibility and grow up.

For the pps banging on about the men. That is a given. Not everytime we must caveat a post with how gross men are. It is well known.

This is going to sound harsh but accept he was never yours- married men are off limits. Prior trauma does not excuse this behaviour hold yourself accountable, eat some Ben and Jerry's have a little wallow and don't do it again. Time will lessen your feelings for him. Find your strength and get some counselling for the previous abusive relationship if you haven't already. All the best

Definitely do the freedom programme.

And stay single for the next two years, minimum (no dating or anything) whilst continuously reading up on how to spot abuse. You need to take time properly single. To learn to be comfortable in yourself again and in your own company. So that any man coming into that has his value measured against your peace. And so that you know you can be happy single. And so that you are not using a man to make you like yourself.

Do some solo travelling during this time if you can. It’ll help you see you can rely on yourself. Also focus on cultivating some good friendships.

Obviously not “whose”.

but the point remains…

She's thrown herself to the wolves so I'd save your pity

You can't be held responsible for a promise you didn't make. People aren't obliged to be bound by monogamy or marriage, and the default has to be that the only people who are are those who choose to commit to it. Not everyone agrees with it as a principle and they don't have to abide by it if they choose not to.

That said, it's certainly better not to mess around with people who have pledged themselves, because it's not honourable and it's messy and unpleasant. But ultimately, the marriage is on the people who are actually in it, who actually made promises. Nobody else has the power to break it.

Firstly, don’t contact him, or his wife.

If you have his number - block and delete it. If he and his wife are on social media - block them. Then you have absolutely no temptations to snoop on them.

Secondly, you need counselling or therapy to talk through your previous abusive relationship.

Then, you need to slowly but surely work on your self worth and self esteem. This means no dating. You are vulnerable and will only attract men that will have no respect for you and treat you like shit.

Get outside. Out in nature. Now it’s getting lighter and (hopefully) warmer. Go for walks. Run. Jog. Or just find a nice bench and sit and appreciate the outdoors. Movement and nature is one of life’s best natural medicines.

Join a gym, Pilates group, go lane swimming, travel to a new place for the day, read books, go and see some live music. Or even go and book in for your hair or nails doing.

Do absolutely anything to keep yourself busy and occupied.

But ultimately, don’t punish yourself. You know what you’ve done is wrong. So you need to learn from it to never get involved in a situation like this again. Accept what’s done is done. You can’t change the past. You’ll never get closer from the guy, so it’s best to make peace with yourself.

What exactly did you love about him? The fact that you knew upfront that he was a cheating, lying, scumbag? If any other man told you that about himself on the first date, would you see him again?

Block him, get pissed with your friends then wallow with shit TV shows and a takeaway to help with the hangover. That’s what I always did after a break up anyway.

Me too on both those counts, it helps me show compassion to others who have been abused. A spouse who is adulterous only has themselves to blame for the cheating - they are entirely responsible for breaking their marriage vows.

Sounds like your confidence and self esteem has not been great for a while. Start up social hobbies and do some volunteering to improve your social circle and self worth, assuming you’re not already doing that. And if you are, maybe you need to change your hobbies. I personally think this will do more for you than therapy but maybe pursue that too. Lastly, as others have said, a new relationship will not resolve this, you need to become happy being single.

How you get over it is to learn how to like and love yourself and know that you deserve more.

You made a big horrible mistake, but that is life. You can change your trajectory any time you wish to do so.

you get over it like most other people do (tears, chocolate, nights in / nights out, pain, not sleeping etc), with the exception that...

• you'll get judged, including e.g. by your sister / mother / best friend etc. Pick who you lean on wisely
• he'll probably get bored soon again and reappear - you need to decide if you'll accept that

Get some counselling. And become happy alone. Decentre men. (He loves his wife as he should. What a dick for messing you both around)

It is not a crime to be single, make the most of it.

Sounds like you’re well rid of him, an unfaithful man is hardly a prize…if he decides he’s made a mistake and still wants you a few months down the line, please try to ensure your life is full enough without needing a scummy man like him in it!!

I knew it was wrong but I loved him.

You were selfish as was he, so in future don’t be selfish and don’t only think about yourself where others are concerned in situations like this. You didn’t love him from day one did you, you got involved with a married man and carried on the relationship and then you fell in love. Loving someone isn’t an excuse for bad actions or decisions. You have no sympathy from me unfortunately.

This @NeverEverLand37 .

If/when he comes calling again, do not let him back into your life. You had the strength to leave an abusive relationship, and you can get past thos one too.

He lied to someone he vowed to stay faithful to for over a year, he felt even less for you. Even if he'd left her you would have been left with someone who is a liar and a cheat. He was never a prize.
Block him, grieve, get help and give it time.

I suppose it's that kind of dissonance that helps affair partners sleep at night. The fact remains though that if you sleep with someone who is married, you are making a contribution to the breakdown of that marriage and it is shit, immoral behaviour. They know shagging that person could lead to other people's lives (including children) being torn apart but they do it anyway. They could have gone with someone else or stayed single, but instead they made the CHOICE to sleep with a married person.

To be fair, you didn’t love him straight away so you presumably had several months in which you knew he was married and didn’t love him but didn’t leave. Unless you didn’t find out about the marriage till later?

My guess is that he caught you whilst you were vulnerable and love bombed you and after a time of being abused, love bombing works tenfold because it’s someone pretending to be nice and caring towards you. It gives you what you have been missing but you don’t notice it’s just a spider spinning its web.

Thats why it’s very important to know how to spot abuse. And to be in a healthy emotional state and, happy with yourself and in your own company, before you look to start dating. Spiders are everywhere.

People on here can be so obviously bitter without thinking about those with different life circumstances.

I’m saying this as someone that has been cheated on and experienced abuse, the two can be linked (feeling unworthy, unlovable and jumping at the opportunity of affection) and unless you’ve been in that situation it’s hard to understand what a emotionally vulnerable position it is to be in.

It’s equally un-feminist to kick another woman when she’s down as it is to sleep with someone in a relationship.

OP, treat it like a breakup and pour into your own cup as much as you can. It will get better.

You were vulnerable. He was a predator. He picked up on your vulnerability and used you. You were in no fit state to turn him down.
You needed to deal with the fallout from the abusive relationship first. Have you done so? If not, do so. Therapy if necessary.
Then make a rule for yourself: you will never get involved with a married or abusive ban ever again. Never.
My advice for anyone getting over a broken relationship. Buy a new bra. Works wonders for confidence. New hairstyle, new make-up. If you can afford it, new clothes. Look good. Feel good.
I'm guessing that you don't have hobbies - too busy sitting waiting for the phone call, the text, the meeting. Got to be available for when he had a few minutes to spare.
If you're feeling a bit introverted, try reading, Netflix , I find doing a jigsaw always helps to get my head straight.
You need to get fit though. Make some time for walking. Maybe join a gym or go swimming. Make yourself a timetable. Especially for the times you used to spend with lover boy.
Do not rush into anymore relationships until your head is straight.