I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Let's hope the wife is ensuring there is one - every single day😁

Yes there are a lot of women who try this "Not my marriage" excuse.

If it's your affair, you take some degree of responsibility. Two people can be at fault.

Isn't this supposed to be a support thread? Why does OP have to publically flog herself before asking for some direction? Some
poster jump on these affair threads with utter glee to project all manner of insecurities and past traumas.

op you are in a lot of pain right now. It will get better. Forget about this man, he's not the one for you. Write down a list of all his failings and read through them every time you get the urge to contact him.

Hopefully!

People say 'what about the man?' but can you imagine if the man in this situation posted on Mumsnet? He would get a flaming of such biblical proportions the site would probably crash.

Hi, I am not pitying anyone. Just pointing out the imbalance of blame between the man and the woman.

OP- if I woke up in your shoes I’d get some counselling asap and really work on your self esteem. It’s going to be shot after being in an abusive relationship and now being the other woman. I’d take a long break from any romance (like a year) to heal and get back to yourself. Reach an equilibrium in your own head and your own life.

In that year you could focus on other goals- mainly counselling and self esteem. In fact, building self esteem is built on living an esteemable life and doing esteemable acts. So basically building a life you can be proud of. You could have other goals like getting fit, or working on your career, a hobby or volunteering. whatever you think is most appropriate.

We can all change- our brain grows new neurons every day. You can change, you can live a full happy life without abuse and without entering into affairs.

I mean this kindly but by not rushing into another relationship. Heal, build your self esteem, reconnect with friends, do the Freedom programme. Good relationships are easier to find when your are fundamentally happy being single.

I actually do not think it would match the opprobrium heaped on OW. I've seen it so many times; a quick line about the man being a dick to get that done and then paragraphs about the OW and how disgusting and evil she is, even if she was single.

In a forum that's mostly women and generally does reflect that, putting women's interests at the centre, it's a remarkable break from the norm, a really startling exception.

Years ago I dated a man who never told me he was married. We dated almost a year. I really did enjoy his company.

His wife found out, same time as I found out about her, and all hell broke loose.

Honestly, the heartbreak and hurt were something else. I couldn't avoid him because of work (different companies but we were very closely linked and he had to visit my office every day).

That set my healing back by about two years. I then made the monumental mistake of joining a dating site and ended up being horrible to everyone on it because I missed him.

Then one day I suddenly realised I hadn't thought about him in months. Then years. I met another lovely guy who it didn't work out with, but it worked out with the next guy, who I'm still with over a decade later.

Last I heard (about 9 years ago) he'd left his wife and married someone else, and I have absolutely no doubt that he's now cheating on her.

Don't blame her! SHE wasn't the one who swore to be faithful - HE was. HE was the one who tore the poor wife's life apart.

Op - you are well rid of such an unfaithful CF. Tell yourself you deserve better.

Truly, truly, truly I'd give the guy a roasting if he showed up on here!

And I've not roasted the op.

Treat it would as you would any other broken relationship. You broke no vows - he did. Just look after yourself - you will get over it. 😉

Thank you for all the responses. They are all things i need to hear. He is still with his wife. She doesn't know. I won't be telling her. I just want to be able to more forward now.

Well, that's you, but on a site-wide cultural level, it's remarkable.

This is the oddest reasoning ...

I mean he is worse, but if you dabble in someone else's marriage the issue is how she is short-changing herself, not a case of her somehow deserving more from the married man.

I wish he'd come actually!!🤗😁

You went from one abusive relationship to another equally unhealthy relationship.

Start by letting yourself go through the regular relationship grieving process. Sadness, anger, acceptance, are all important parts of moving on.

Then decide that you are not going to date again for a defined period of time. I suggest at least a year. If you can afford it, get a therapist. If you can’t, just spend time focusing on yourself and building up your self-esteem.

You deserve to have people in your life that consider you their equal. You deserve to be your whole self in a relationship. You need to learn to love yourself enough to recognize when that isn’t happening.

After substantial childhood trauma it took me some bad relationships and a lot of time to learn these truths and find happiness. Many other women have walked this path and found a way out. You can too.

I hope you can move forward Op.

I do think therapy would be helpful, because this must have been an obviously wrong path to head down and I think you need to unpick the reasons for choosing it.

Better choice next time!

Oh dear, what a shame, never mind.

Try not to get hung up on any moral aspect. What's done is done, and ultimately he was the one breaking a vow, not you.
Treat it like any other breakup. Be kind to yourself, learn from the experience as best you can, keep busy, and remember that you deserve to be loved. His ability to betray the trust of two women is not a reflection on either of you.

I usually hate the MN trope of recommending therapy for everything on here but I actually would recommend some counselling. My ex had an affair and it broke me completely, I’ve never been the same since but I’m able to recognise that the OW must’ve had some issues herself to get involved with someone who is already attached.

How do you know him? Hopefully you don’t work with him.
You need to block him completely. You need to have some time completely on your own (no men) and sort out who you are and what you want. Do not settle for anything less than you deserve. What is meant for you won’t pass by you.

I don’t understand why people post horrible responses to the OP on threads like this, if you have nothing constructive to say just don’t bother posting.

OP, I know this hurts like hell right now but work and hobbies are a life saver right now. Remember you’ll never find happiness with an unavailable man xxx

Same way you get over any other relationship except you have the added advantage that this man was clearly a sh*t and you are better off not providing convenient sex to such a shallow, faithless individual.

Wallow for a few days, then get up, get busy, get that promotion at work, see those old friends, plan a trip and things to look forward to.