I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

He fancied a cheap eaay shag on the side. You were available. That's all it was, nowt special. Block him, move on and don't play any other part in ruining marriages/families.

You need therapy to help you to understand why you have such low self-esteem and to do something about it. Even posting here in the full knowledge you’d be flamed was an act of self-harm, because you believe you deserve it.

As a wife of someone who cheated:

You are Both responsible for your actions.
You are Adults and should know Right from Wrong.
You are both a pair of stinking rutting dogs.
Keep your knickers on and your hands of his dick.
He needs to keep his dick in his pants and your hands off him.

You BOTH disgust me.

She didn't. Her so-called husband, through his own choices, did.

Stop making women responsible for men's behaviour.

Did writing that make you feel a little bit better about your own life?

I'm sorry that you've had so many nasty comments here, OP. I, too, left an abusive relationship, and for a while after I had very unhealthy relationships - two with married men. I think it's a case of feeling you have some kind of power? As I had none before.

It's definitely for the best that it ended, though. If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. It's hard to hear, and it will take you some time, but I PROMISE things will get better.

I'm over a decade away from my "weird time" as I call it, and I don't even recognise the woman who did those things.

EDIT: OW did NOT make vows. The man's relationship/marriage is NOT their responsibility. It is ENTIRELY the job of the man to keep it in his pants. No is a very easy word.

Me too, imagine all the women who have been hurt by cheating unleashing thier glorious wrath on him.

Hard to feel sympathy for someone who destroys lives.

but go to therapy and talk through why you felt the need to get involved with someone you knew wasn’t available and get some self respect back. It takes time. I’ve been in three years of therapy since my husband cheated with a woman like you. Tried to kill myself twice and had several psych ward stays for the suicidality. Everyone loses in these scenarios

You tell yourself you had a lucky escape!

You are no longer with a cheating dickhead who has no loyalty to the woman he married. C'mon - you can do better than him! If you'd walked into the sunset together he'd have been shagging around on you in a couple of years time.

He's no loss.

This is the advice you need.
Also, if he rocks up with a sob story in 3 weeks, or 3 months, or 3 years, or ever, don't, for one second, be such a mug again.

Affairs are a form of abuse. Lying, manipulating, gaslighting, living a fake double life whilst risking the mental and sexual health and welfare of his wife is a form of abuse. OP knows he was being a total shit to his wife and didn’t mind a bit, didn’t question his character or choices, as long as she was getting what she wanted.
The husband was abusing his wife in this way but OP knew and was happy to join in as long as it lasted. It’s not about enjoyment of judging an OW, I take no pleasure in hurting others. However, OP has made terrible and damaging choices over a whole year. Only now that he’s cut and run does she feel sorry, and primarily for herself.
OW are willing accomplices with the full knowledge of what their affair could cause the wife and seemingly care nothing, or at least not enough to stop themselves. The husband carries the blame but the OW happily joins in and keeps his secrets for him, probably lies for him to any mutual acquaintances or colleagues to collude in the deception. It’s not up to women to police men but it is up to women to police themselves and decide whether what they are choosing to do is beneficial or harmful to others.
Hiding behind the neglected responsibilities of a faithless man to portray yourself as innocent of any wrongdoing, does not hide the fact that you willingly participated and joined in.
OP, you made some terrible choices which is more than sad considering you managed to successfully escape abuse yourself. Now go totally non-contact and never knowingly join in the deception of anyone again. This wasn’t a real relationship and never had the light of reality shine on it, thank God.
Look into your own self esteem, realise that the majority of affairs are about filing the void within with unhealthy choices, rather than facing and dealing with your own issues.
His affair wasn’t even about his wife, marriage or even you, it was about him. “Love” gets bandied about in the excitement of it all but this isn’t love, it’s toxic infatuation and obsession fuelled by secrecy and excitement.
Learn from this, look forward and move on. You’re not a bad person, but you did some bad things and need to understand why and never, ever go near attached men again. It’s always a hiding to nothing if they weren’t in the process of leaving anyway. Unless they made up their minds to leave before they met you, they pretty much never do.
I hope you find some happiness in the future when you’ve learned not to jump into a new low-quality relationship to soothe the pain of another. Learn how to be satisfied with you, create a lovely life for yourself where your relationship is a happy bonus rather than a needy necessity.

I’m not going to tear you apart! Firstly be proud that you left an abusive relationship. I can understand how after suffering abuse being treated with kindness and positive attention by another man can be intoxicating and it’s so easy to then get drawn into a relationship that perhaps in other circumstances you may have made a different decision. I wonder if him being married almost made him feel “ safer” in a way, that there would always be some distance, that you weren’t having to commit etc . Doesn’t make it hurt any less when it ends though.
Give yourself a few days to grieve the relationship. Then start doing things for you- not involving a man. Build on your own self worth, find out who you are again, what makes you tick . Know that you don’t need a relationship to be happy. You will be in a much better place to find a relationship where you aren’t in second place, and you won’t have to be the secret anymore. I wish you well with it all.

It will take time to heal but you will get there and move on. He knew you were vulnerable - however I'm not inside his head, he probably feels bad about it all. It has happened and it's over now.

Sooner or later you'll meet someone else who is free, in the meantime try to make the most oif the life you had. There are many advantages to being single.

Don't beat yourself up too much, we all make mistakes.

How to move forward? Keep your mitts off other people's husbands.

As you have recently exited an abusive relationship, your boundaries are probably skewed. A good book to read is 'Women Who Love Too Much' just put it into Amazon and it will show up. It has examples of women who become locked into affairs as well as others.

One point it makes is that some women are hyper-attuned to men who seem to project need and go into 'helper mode' any man who comes up with a nice sob story, their emotions get activated to respond, it's like a magnet attraction. They're there immediately with consolation and support and sexual comfort. They will offer this support over their own needs, which they'll put into the background and bury.

Also abusive relationships function through emotional 'reward and deprivation' you are put in a perpetual cycle of excitement and crash. Studies have shown its addicting to the brain. In this case, when he leaves and goes back to his wife and kids it's the crash, when you're together again it's a high. It's not real life.

There's also a moral element though OP. We all have a dark side we try to keep in check. In this case you were prepared for another woman to be dumped by the wayside and suffer 10x what you're suffering now for your happiness. You have to really meditate on what aspect of your character needs to change in addition to the work, because that's not nice to say the least. It's also not nice to yourself. A lot of therapists aren't challenging to their clients, so this is something you need to be honest with yourself about as it's unlikely to be pursued. Do you feel better or like you are elevated above the woman he married because he seems to prefer you whilst finding her lacking? Does this boost your ego? Be honest with yourself.

Move forward and don't repeat this mistake. Plenty of single men out there and your chances of meeting a good one will improve by doing an honest self evaluation in addition to therapy. Which you need.

It takes two to have an affair.

Yes you didnt love him he was married and get some counselling to understand why you stay in no good relationships with men who are not emotionly available and why would you want to be with someone he cheats and lies to women and hes ended it coz wifey has probably found out but dont worry when she kicks him out you can have him and then spend all your time worrying about when hes being unfaithful,

say it louder for those in the back!!!!!👏🏻

💥🙌🏻😂

he wasnt a catch

You keep what you sow!!
Serves you right, it's his wife and family i feel for not you

Please be gentle on yourself op.
its very common for this to happen after escaping toxic abusive relationships. I can’t recommend therapy enough. Without help to process the trauma from an abusive ex you run the risk of falling back in to another bad situation. It’s also scary to find out how many red flag men will pick up on you in a vulnerable moment and home in. I was propositioned hard especially by older married men it was awful. I didn’t go near them as had been on the receiving end of cheating, but boy they put up a good fight. I did however fall in with emotionally unavailable men and it wasn’t until I went to therapy that I was able to unpick everything and rebuild myself, finally breaking the cycle. You deserve so much better and with help you will find that happiness again. Wishing you the very best of everything

She didn’t ruin the marriage he did. Agree about not knowingly seeing a married man but his marriage his responsibility.

I suspect you didn’t successfully leave an abusive relationship - you just escaped it with the emotional damage intact. And entered another but different emotionally abusive relationship to try to heal your pain.

Do you know what the freedom program is? It’s run by women's aid to help women understand the dynamics of abusive relationships so that they don’t start a relationship with another sort of abuser who appears different. There are all sorts of flavours of abusive men but the common denominator is that they are all abusive. And they can all smell/detect vulnerability. Not because you are essentially weak but because your boundaries are all messed up because of previous abuse. If you had secure boundaries you would shut down advances from married men. ‘I only date available men’.

I think that sort of self care will help you move on and lead to a happier life for you. You don’t need to stay stuck in this cycle.

Absolutely no sympathy-what did you expect? Seeing a married man is vile thing to do, obviously, more so for the man. Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t excuse this.