I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Well said. 👏👏

I’m not sure you’re going to get support as a married man will no longer shag you.

Yawn.

I’m not going to pile on you need to leaf. From it and never revisit it

An STD test will help you not miss the married man-presumably you'd been having them regularly anyway?

Join the statistically happiest section of society-single, childfree women, and enjoy the bliss of being free of males.

Create a peaceful, joy filled life and don't consider dating anyone until you've had therapy.

Sympathy for the wife because he didn’t leave her, more like! Who needs a faithless man?

"scoopsahoooy · Today 13:28
Do the Freedom Programme. Get some counselling if you can afford it for your self esteem. Develop interests/hobbies/ways of spending your time that feel good instead of reaching for validation from other people's husbands. Keep busy. You'll get over it. (That sounds snippy, but it's not meant to - you will. But to stop yourself doing stupid shit again, you need to work on yourself so you're not trying to fill an emotional void with bad behaviour)"

@scoopsahoooy has nailed it - this with bells on. Massive well done to you for getting out of your abusive relationship. In the circumstances, starting an affair with someone else's husband was like a massive act of self-harm and delayed you doing very necessary work. Fortunately, this is now over also. Go completely no contact - this married man is very bad for you. Read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. You need to find yourself again. What are you interests? What are your hobbies? If you don't yet have any active interests and hobbies, find some. Get busy and interested in other things. The sooner you start on this path, the sooner you will get to a good place. It's tough right now but your future self will thank you.

You’ll be ok 💐
I just listened to the audiobook of half his age by Jeannette Mcurdy, might be worth a listen/read.
Try and invest in yourself and be kind to yourself.

It takes two people to have an affair.

You shouldn't get judgement @NeverEverLand37 but people seem to like to judge OWs very harshly.

Sounds like you need to take some time out for yourself and really focus on what is good for you. Being abused does awful things to our self-esteem and self-worth and abused people end up in cycles of relationships that are not good for them. You need to properly heal from the trauma of the abusive relationship. I'm fairly sure that the married man who had his affair with you (you weren't having the affair) was most likely an arsehole, as he was cheating on his wife. So, that needs a bit of reflection too - but not in a beat yourself up, burn yourself at the stake way, more curiosity and self-discovery as to why you picked such a tosser. It will all be part of the same pattern.

Look after yourself and if you can afford it, try and get some counselling or therapy for the abuse. You are worth more than being abused or used by a married man. Big hug to you.

Take a break from men and work on your self esteem.

You’ll be fine.

Give yourself enough time to work through the ending of this and your previous relationship. Be kind to yourself.

Eat, stay hydrated, get outside for fresh air.

Maybe the best choices weren’t made but no point crying over spilt milk.

I would tell his wife... why does he get to play around with people and then go back home all happy.
I say this as a wife know would want to know.
He was the married one!

Learn from it, work out what the MM made you feel about yourself (because it'll come down to that, and whatever he fed you is false, so seek it in a real way) and how you can work on that, keep your life very full and don't do it again.

You find yourself a therapist. Block this man on every platform. When you have therapy, it will help rebuild your self-esteem, which in turn will allow you to raise your bar when choosing a man.

How did you think this was going to end? The lesson to learn from this is to always be true to yourself. Do you stand for integrity, faithfulness and being honest and living a life that doesnt take away from or hurt others? Then dont do this kind of shit, even if you are coming from a place of hurt yourself.

Kindly OP that isn't love, that is living n your nerves and believing in lies = abusive.
Take a huge sigh of relief, get some help for your confidence and park this twat in the bin.
He was never free to love nor was he is a real relationship with you so remember that and don't ever lower yourself or your standards again.

You've chosen two bad men in a row, and in the case of the second, you were completely aware that he was a bad man and that your actions were harmful to someone else.

I think you need to seek therapy to work out why you are accepting relationships with bad people.

Any wife whose husband is cheating on her is also in an abusive relationship. I'm not sure why you thought it was a good idea to inflict that on another woman after experiencing it yourself. I would have thought you would have had more compassion.

Why would you want him? A future with him, even if he ever left his wife (they never do), would've meant a lifetime of looking over your shoulder to see who filled the space you left. They don't change.

You aren't his first and you won't be his last. Just thank your stars you aren't his poor wife and make better choices.

He’s definitely the primarily guilty party. But “no fault of the OP”? She knew he was married, I therefore disagree. But I also don’t want to kick somebody whose already down (aka OP) so I will leave it at that.

At OP:
As for getting over this: Same as with any other breakup. Aka concentrating on yourself, your hobbies, your loved ones. Letting yourself grief whilst also giving it time…

I do agree with those who are suggesting therapy. That may be very beneficial, it could help you break patterns and make healthier choices going forward.

What did you actually think would happen? There is absolutely no excuse for getting involved with a married man. Your past has nothing to do with it. You’ve let yourself down. Make better choices, don’t be so desperate, don’t be someone’s play thing.

You’ll get over it. And you’ll realise it wasn’t love. Not on his part anyway. You will regret this part of your life. But move on. Forgive yourself. It’s best this way, better than him leaving his wife for you…

1. Grieve and wallow a bit for what you thought you had
2. Consider that if he didn't leave his marriage quite quickly, he was never going to. He was going to string you along as the secret OW forever, leaving you without a relationship, no chance of meeting his family, attending various events etc. So it has ended before any more of your time is wasted or damage done
3. Look after your self esteem. Damage was done to you in an abusive relationship - and then you went and put yourself in another unhealthy relationship with a man who could / would never prioritise you. You were essentially his hobby. Take time to actually recover yourself and your sense of self after the abusive relationship. Do not start any new relationships of any kind until you have fully reflected and understood how all this happened and learned how to put yourself first in a way that keeps you emotionally safe.
4. Because heartbreak can still happen, even in healthy relationships.
5. Do not contemplate telling his wife. Walk away. Involving yourself in revenge just keeps you enmeshed and won't make you feel better. You didn't prioritise his wife's right to know for the last two years, don't consider it a moral duty to reverse that now. HIs honesty to his wife, like his responsibility for fidelity, is his responsibility.

OP read your OP again where you said that you know you will be ripped apart because of what you’ve done.

This says everything about the fact you know that what you have done is wrong and why.

The relationship is over now, and realistically it was never going to happen. But let’s just say it did. Is that really how you would like to have been seen? Really what you would be content for people to think of you?

I recently developed feelings for a married man. I will state here that he never pursued me and I never pursued him. But we were friends and I developed feelings for him.

Husband stealer is not a trait I want to aspire to, but it did make me see that my relationship wasn’t in a good place and so I did end that, but not for him.

But when I thought about it, quite apart from the fact that he is married, with a wife and grownup children who don’t deserve to be hurt, he’s also a decent bloke. And would I A, want people to have seen him in a different light? And B, would I want to be seen as the type of woman who would go after someone else’s husband? Neither of us were those things, so why would any of us want that reputation?

Having an affair isn’t just about losing yourself in the heat of the moment and getting carried away and then not being able to stop.

It’s about the person you become, the way you’re seen, the future reputation you’re building for yourself.

Is that what you want for yourself?