I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

I should imagine being the other woman is a bit... consuming. Waiting to hear from them, sneaky meet ups.
Time to remember what life was like before you got used for sex.

And work on yourself. A, don't do this to another woman, B, value yourself a lot more and don't let yourself be second best again.

Block his number, block his social media, do not make yourself available for him to contact you again. My father kept his side chick waiting in the wings, he cheated with her on my Mum, he had a string of girlfriends and every time he broke up with one of them he went back to her for a while until someone else came along. Move on with your life, do the freedom programme and don't rush to get with anyone else.

Sometimes when you have been treated badly by one person your mind plays tricks and starts associating bad treatment with being in love, particularly if a relationship involves quite extreme highs and lows (which affairs can because you might have excitement but you also have insecurity)... that's why people get into a cycle of going from one bad relationship to another. Don't beat yourself up. Block him and get some therapy to reset your boundaries/perceptions of what a good relationship is.

You will be fine. I promise, any pain you feel will fade with time.

You need to see this man for what he actually was, and for what he did.

The absolute best thing you can do is to block him on every platform, delete all his details from your phone so you can't contact him again even if you're drunk and it seems like a good idea, and permanently erase everything even remotely to connected with him. Photos, videos, ALL messages, emails, love letters, gifts, Spotify playlists - everything. Stop going to places that remind you of him, if possible.

Make an alternative, upbeat, "f*ck you" playlist. Surround yourself with friends, and get busy making plans that excite you.

Make a mental list of all the reasons he's not good enough. Everything wrong with him. All the times he moaned about his wife, to whom he vowed to be faithful forever. His gross habits, crap communication skills, sh*te tattoos, whatever. I'm sure if you're really honest with yourself, you can imagine an alternative timeline in which he left his wife to be with you. And I'm sure you know that it would have ended badly - likely with you, brokenhearted, angry at having wasted years of your life with him. If he pops into your mind, this is what you focus on. All the reasons you had a lucky escape. The opportunity you have now to go out and find someone bloody brilliant who would never dream of cheating on anyone.

Lastly, use this as a life lesson, so you are never tempted to do this again. Nobody wins in these scenarios.

You fell in love with a married man. I'm afraid you reap what you sow.

Use this an experience to do grow from. I'd concentrate on developing your self worth.

Why did he end it?

Back back in the day I had a series of terrible 'boyfriends'. I realise now it was a way to be avoidant. I knew they were "wrong 'uns" so I never had to deal with a proper relationship.

I hadn't really got a sense of myself yet.

Eventually I developed more confidence, maturity and self esteem. It was then that I met DH.

I would not have been ready for him until then: a genuine, decent man who expected me to be a mature, sensible woman.

You probably get I'm saying you need to take some time for yourself now where you develop a sense of your own worth. As Ru Paul says; ain't no one gonna love you til you love yourself.

I agree about therapy OP because this behaviour was self-sabotage.

Hope you feel better soon and that his wife does too.

This I'd a good life lesson in learning the consequences of your actions and Karma.

I sincerely hope you never have the awful misfortune to be abused.

And for the guy who actually did the cheating? What's the cosmic payoff for him?

He ruined his own marriage though. Not op.

I morally couldn’t do what you do but I ‘get it’ on a cognitive level as when dating you’re competing with all the single women on these apps, but when being a mistress you’re only competing with the wife and you often ‘win’ (the prize of a cheating man). It didn’t work out this time so you need to process it the same as any other time you get dumped, counselling may help as this is a kind of disenchfranchised grief’ that you’re so sad about but it’s not socially accepted to feel, so you won’t get sympathy from friends or Mumsnet in the same way as if you got dumped by a real boyfriend.

You need not to think about men and relationships for a couple of years at the very least. Work out what it is to be your own person, neither victim nor immoral predator.

I think often, people who date someone married are afraid of commitment. Maybe explore that.

I have found the way to get over someone is to go completely cold turkey. No looking up their socials, being friends, messaging them, etc. Delete all previous comms. Cold turkey really is the shortest path to getting over them. As the weeks go on, you kind of "detox" from them, and think of them less and less. But any contact or social-peeking or reading old messages just prolongs the agony.

Also, distraction is very useful. Funny shows, new films, a new series to binge-watch. Walks, going into town, seeing friends.

Anyone who knows me would never have thought that I would have been the OW. I was, and for seven years! I was perfectly happy to see an entire family torn apart for the sake of ‘our cosmic connection’. I was young, going through a divorce, naive and wasn’t aware of the script, completely taken in by him but a willing participant nonetheless. I bear no resemblance to that person now and can’t believe I did all of that. I am however a good person who did a stupid and selfish thing. OP, you will come out of this a wiser woman with firm boundaries about what you do in the future. In the meantime give yourself a break and remember who you really are. Time will be a great healer.

Work on changing your understanding of what love is so it doesn't leave you powerless with shit men like these. 'But I loved him' has wounded you twice, with an abuser and with a cheat. These are not love stories, they are cautionary tales and if you don't learn from them, you'll sleepwalk into a third. Whether it stems from your parents, childhood, low self-esteem or whatever, put some work in - with professional help if needed - to shift your understanding and break the pattern.

When I read the title I thought you meant he'd ended it with his wife. Of Course that's not what you meant because that never happens. Poor wife. Did she have any idea?

Hurt people hurt people! Try to raise your self esteem with exercise or a challenge or project.

Hi OP, I am not laying any blame on you.
Treat yourself to something nice and take a sigh of relief that you are free of this thorny rose bush which was costing you so much.
Fresh air, walks, good food, a new outfit, celebrate YOU

He’s spared you many tears, heartbreak and an untrustworthy future and I sincerely hope he’s also saving his wife from it by walking away. You do lose them how you find them mostly and he would’ve done the same to you had yous become an ‘official’ couple.

Everything will feel shit but honestly, in years to come you’ll look back grateful you never wasted anymore time on the road.

Agreed
As always, it's the woman who is thrown to the wolves!

OP happily joined in the ‘marriage ruining’ though didn’t she.

Be grateful he isn’t your husband, it’s monumentally shit being his wife!

I worked with a man who had an affair with a woman he previously worked with. They both left their partners and got together.

I’ve never met two more insecure people in all my life. His new partner kept coming in to work to check out the women. I had to buy a secret Santa gift for him and he told me he hid it so she wouldn’t get upset.

Learn from this experience and get yourself in a better place.