I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Pretending this is a man's fault is so laughable and fanatical.

It's laughable and fanatical to say it's a man's fault if he cheats?

Some posts as expected. It's not for strangers to dictate you didn't love each other, he was using you and you're not the first. They don't know as they don't know him or you.

Take some time for yourself, grieve what you had and spend more time on yourself.

I expect I'll be attacked for his comment but I don't care. My now ex h had an affair. I blame him. No thoughts for her.

Take care but you need to work out why you needed strangers to tell you some of what they have.

Good Lord! Tell me I have the wrong end of the stick here.
Women who may have PTSD or need therapy for anxiety and depression after such a life changing betrayal are just being ‘dramatic’?
The women cheated on are not ‘such victims’? Seriously? Are you suggesting that these women are somehow to blame for being cheated on? If being cheated on doesn’t create ‘drama’ in your life or make you a victim of the actions of others then wtf does?
I’m waiting for somebody to say “Calm down love, you should have been nicer to him. You were probably asking for it.”
To suggest that what is happening here is “more abusive than anything else” really is no doubt triggering to all those who have suffered abuse of any kind and can only be designed to hurt others.
Nobody’s trying hard to convince anyone because they don’t have to. It’s bloody obvious here that the victims are the wife plus, to an extent, OP. Infidelity is not a victimless act.

The viper is the married man picking an easy target, not people with morals who don't believe in infidelity or hurting another woman potentially exposing all to STDs, emotional hurt and distrust. You clearly have never been close to someone destroyed by this kind of betrayal. Op hasn't said they were separated or anything so the backslash is understandable and justified

And no someone like this isn't capable of genuine love, he wouldn't have started an affair otherwise it's pure selfishness

Agreed it often is the same story. But honestly I’m starting to think a lot of marriages are ‘bad’. I think the whole thing is flawed, like in my own circle I see it. Men not pulling their weight, wives enduring it.

some marriages are bad and some are almost impossible to leave (More so for women) Sometimes there is gambling, addictions, mental health, illnesses, debts and all sorts of secrecy going on. Sometimes it’s the wife that’s abusive. in this situation we know very little except that it went on for a year. We know nothing about his wife at all.

Affairs are always wrong, we can all agree on that.

My gut feeling is that if he had loved you, and was the man for you, he would have ended his marriage and done things in a decent way before starting anything with you. So therefore, he is selfish and dishonest.

in summary, affairs are a huge betrayal all around, they are always a bad idea, even in terrible circumstances, lesson learned, move on, he is liar, count yourself lucky.

As in if he's the the only one getting blamed. You're smart. I'm sure you knew what was meant. Go snipe elsewhere

Have you ever had an affair by any chance?

Have you done the freedom program due to the past abuse relationship? I’d recommend that as it’s easily accessible where getting therapy is difficult. It will help you see red flags and understand what happened and likely open your eyes that the married man was also abusive/using you. It wasn’t love that’s certain or he would have ended his marriage. You need to learn what love is or you will cycle through bad relationships and be used all your life.

block him and never speak to him again. Never enter a relationship with a married man again. Learn your lesson. You have been hurt by this so don’t drown in guilt and perpetuate the hurt. You did wrong, accept that but don’t accept 100% of the blame he is 50% responsible at least. The real victim is his wife. Just never do this again.

He should be the only one getting blamed. He's the one who is married. Although anyone with one eye and half a brain can see all the attacks OP is getting, and how many people are telling her it's her cosmic justice, with not a word on the man and how "karma" will serve him.

"Laughable" and "fanatical", to hold a man to account for a betrayal literally only he could carry out. It's quite something.

It's because we hold women to higher standards than we hold men to. So we feel "betrayed" when a woman dares to go against the grain and not be in full solidarity with other women. But that in itself is deeply unfair to women.

And that's plain old sexism. Misogynistic double sexual standards. A woman is more responsible for a man's marriage than he is! And when he lies to her as well and she's foolish enough to fall for it, that's not his fault at all.

Like I said earlier, it's strange. In most cases, MN demonstrates how it's mostly women and centres women, but when it comes to cheating, the wheels don't just fall off, they go flying. And if you say that you hold married men wholly responsible for where they stick their dicks, you must be an OW yourself because there's no other way you could possibly think men are fully accountable for themselves and their fidelity. You must be somehow illicit yourself to think that.

Without your selective editing, this is what @OFiddleDeeDee actually said:

Pretending this is a man's fault is so laughable and fanatical. They're both at fault

But it isn't, that's my point. He was married. He entered the contract. Only he can break it. There's nothing laughable or fanatical about that, although there is something a bit deranged about that level of anger because someone holds the viewpoint that a married man is 100% responsible for his dick.

Absolutely.

Conflating all these abusive behaviours as an inextricable part of adultery is lazy, unthinking, and irresponsible. They might be part of pattern of abusive behaviour. Or they might not. Either way there is no inevitability here.

I'm first to come down hard on the side of those who have been on the receiving end of abuse, and have spent time on thread after thread over year after year on MN, supporting women in just such a position. There are some such women for whom the discovery of adultery has been a positive relief, giving them the reason and impetus for a final ending to a destructive relationship.

The inability to see the difference between the two is concerning.

As an addendum, there are no 'supporters' of cheating on this thread.

Honestly, if marrying someone, starting a life with them, maybe having a family, sharing a life together, doesn't make you more responsible for all that than a total stranger, what's the frigging point of it?

I don't know what your "it" refers to here in "But it isn't, that's my point".

Did you mean "But she isn't, that's my point" referring to "They're both at fault"?

If so, what do you make of the OP's "I knew it was wrong"?

No sympathy here. Leaving an abusive relationship isn't an excuse to shack up with someone else's husband.

How to get over it? The same way anyone else gets over a relationship. Spend some time on your own.

I make of it that she isn't an inhuman monster, and as I've said several times on this thread, sleeping with a married person isn't honorable and you shouldn't do it. My first post to the OP said "don't do it again".

At the same time, though, while of course it's better not to participate in it, his marriage is ultimately on him and the buck stops with him. She's irrelevant, it's only when he decides he's going to stick his dick where it doesn't belong that betrayal has taken place.

If I am not responsible for my promises, who the fuck is?

If entering a marriage doesn't make me more responsible than some total stranger, what's the point?

Suppose you do scare off the OW and blame her for everything, but your husband is still a sexually incontinent tail chaser - what then? Great, you've blamed her. Now when he does it again, he can tell you it wasn't solely his fault, there just shouldn't be any available women in the world to make it possible!

I know I'm totally against the tide here. I know I can't convince MN at large that a married man is totally responsible for where he sticks his dick. And I know that by saying it, people will accuse me of being an OW myself (no) because the need to blame women for this is so deeply ingrained, they can't imagine any other way to reach this conclusion.

But it's true. And the flipside that the detractors never see is that this applies just as much to me. If I cheated on my husband, I would not dream of telling him he should blame OM, that it wasn't entirely on me, that other men should just never be available. I couldn't begin to try such a flimsy, weak excuse. My fidelity is on me.

And that's a huge reason why I keep it.

I know I can't convince MN at large that a married man is totally responsible for where he sticks his dick.

Yes, he is responsible for his own actions.
But yes, she is also responsible for hers.

Motte: she shouldn't have done it
Bailey: it's not true that they're both at fault

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motte-and-bailey_fallacy

THIS 👏

It's his fault he cheated - it's her fault she slept with a married man.

The only way she wouldn't be at fault is if she didn't know he was married.

Empty statement. Her actions do not constitute cheating. Her actions do not involve breaking a contract or a vow. Her actions are not a dereliction of a pledge. Truly don't know why you've given that link. It's completely irrelevant. If we're talking philosophical fallacies, the one to count here is false equivalence. A uncommitted person having sex isn't equivalent to a committed one breaking their vow. Honestly, why did you get married at all if it didn't convey responsibility on you and you alone? I made this promise so Barry better make sure I keep it because Barry is responsible for his actions?

But like I said, I know I can't convince MN of this. I suppose at least, if you are cheated on (which I of course hope you are not), it makes it easier to stay with the cheater because you have deflected enough of the blame to make it palatable (and, of course, to make it easier for him to do it again, since he can blame someone else too). And I think at the heart of it, that's what the MN position is about. Made easier, of course, by ancient forms of sexism around women.

Over and out.

Motte: Her actions do not constitute cheating.
Bailey: She has done no wrong.

And what I would also say is op isn't making excuses for herself. She is holding herself accountable and is asking for help to be and do better.
Just because there's an opportunity for people to get a dig in and to kick op when she's down doesn't mean you actually need to take it.

No kicking here. I think OP, while making very bad choices and being complicit in her married bf's harm of his wife, was vulnerable from her previous abusive relationship. Some men spot that vulnerability and use it to get sex, a place to live, whatever, but they see it and use it. She really needs some therapy and the Freedom program because without self work, she's going to remain stuck and vulnerable to these relationships where she's used. She gets her validation from outside herself and that's led her really wrong at least twice now.

At the end, she has to work on her vulnerability and self esteem, the hard stuff, and her choices, not so hard. Married equals don't go there. She's going to have to educate herself about red flags in relationships. I think she needs a period of time to do the reflection and work and reset her focus and goals.

So why on earth are you supporting op.

She entered into no contract with the married man, he is entitled to shag, use and dump her.

He has no commitment to her, she should not be angry, upset or bitter, if the contract is everthing then ow should have no regrets and no feelings about being dumped.

It's tough shit really but to be expected.
Be a bit firmer with your brethrin, explain they have no rights, no contract, to accept being dumped graciously and to go away without sympathy.

No contract no respect no care to be expected and of course the wife in the contract has to be given respect because the contract was broken.

The wife had the contract.

I'm not defending OW but I know my ex spun the old tale of 'dead marriage', so unhappy but such A Good Man that he sacrificed himself to stay in the marriage bla bla bla.
Of course, none of this narrative was ever said to me and a complete surprise to all the family both sides. We got on very well and still had sex regularly.
When I rumbled the last affair (I'd 'forgiven' one 30 years prior, then had some suspicions later but was gaslit to kingdom come) turns out it was the same old tale told.
Except at 37 years together I chose to end it. The pain was acute.

Then he cheated on that AP a year later.

They are a certain type of man. I don't blame the OW at all now (though I did at the time of discovery as he blamed her for the temptation 🙄) as he fed her all the BS, the full cheater script. I had read their insta message thread and afterwards he bleated 'but it wasn't real!'. Well, it was real to her and real to me.

the OP is very brave to post here but she must be aware that it sometimes takes the wife a while to decide whether to reconcile or end the marriage. If she does end it and he comes running back to you ask yourself why would you want to be his 2nd choice?