I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

The husband in this case is the abhorrent one. Yes, an ‘other woman’ is wrong but, without the predatory man, the affair would not happen. Equally, a cheating wife would be most responsible in that instance.

I know it’s not usual Mumsnet style, but I’m not going to be nasty and judgemental to a clearly upset and vulnerable OP. Bring constructive in helping her for a better future is more human.

You were vulnerable after leaving an abusive relationship. Men like him look for vulnerable women who will put up with their bullshit. It probably wasn’t love but you projected your unmet needs onto him. Block him on everything and don’t give him the opportunity to come crawling back to hurt you again. Realise in the long run he would not make you happy and would probably cheat on you eventually. Work on your self esteem and get some hobbies. He's done you a favour.

The affair simply can't happen if the married person does as they pledged.

We know there are lots of people who would be willing to enter the vault if it's possible. That's precisely why there was a contract in place, willingly entered, whereby someone pledged to safeguard the vault and be trusted with the keys. Because we know we can't stop those people existing but we can make a contract between ourselves not to let them in.

It's not honourable to be involved in breaking that contract and you shouldn't do it, but ultimately it isn't that person's responsibility. They didn't make the pledge, they didn't have the keys.

Cheating really is totally shit, but you cannot cheat on someone to whom you aren't committed.

And I always think I'll be lynched for this, but actually I haven't been yet... Generally (not always), I think men are able to cheat even when they are totally happy, love their wife, have no intention of leaving and it's just a pleasant addition to an already pleasant life. Women who cheat or become OW are far more likely to do it because they're deeply unhappy, vulnerable, at a low point. Doesn't make it ok, of course, but it's a different motivation and thought process. I never used to think that but as I get older, that's the definite overall pattern I'm seeing.

And rightly so. He's a cheat, breaking his wife's heart and the lives of his children.
His vow was of fidelity - to honour and protect them...

He didn’t love you op, stop. If he loved you he would of left her and done things the right way you were just a easy shag.

I know someone who has had a few affairs over the years. I don't judge him because his wife is disabled now and he has children that he is the main care giver for. The problem is the OW have often developed feelings for him but his loyalties are with his family. I guess its a release and fun for him. Just unfair on the OW.

Get real they always say their marriage is bad but can’t leave for various bullshit reasons. Face it he didn’t love you if he did he would find a way to leave his marriage and be with you. You’ve been had, learn your lesson and find someone who is not already with someone else . Be miserable for a bit though cos that’s what you deserve

I think it’s possible to love two people at once.

You say he stays with her for certain reasons you don’t want to go into but realistically he could carry on this affair or leave her if he wanted to so look at his actions rather than listen to his words

The actions will tell you much more about him than his words ever will

Having been on the receiving end of this (been cheated on in my marriage and previous relationship) I do understand your anger.

But I think we need to look at the bigger picture in this case. I don't think it's a coincidence that op has gone from a very abusive relationship to one where she got lots of 'love' but the guy was also unavailable. I think there's an element of trauma response in there.

And what I would also say is op isn't making excuses for herself. She is holding herself accountable and is asking for help to be and do better.

Just because there's an opportunity for people to get a dig in and to kick op when she's down doesn't mean you actually need to take it.

Was I angry at the woman my ex cheated with - yes of course, did I hold her partially accountable- yes of course she made a choice and she knew about me and our baby. But the full wrath of my anger went to my ex where its supposed to go. She could have thrown herself fanny first at him and it not made a jot of difference if he was a better man. But he wasn't and that's why it happened.

It’s not unfair in the other woman if she knew he was married . She deserved all she got .
It was unfair on his wife and family

Surely if she was anything more than a cheap shag ie she actually meant something, then he'd have done more than have sex with her for a few months/a year then dump her to stay with his wife? And he's a man..a cheating man. I doubt it was some love story...

The op needs to take note of the nasty but truthful posts and learn her lesson and stop being an easy shag for predatory men

Hello op. (This board wouldn’t be my choice when looking for support and comfort. Too much unresolved trauma in other posters to see and support you.)

There is no way this man is the love of your life. It feels like it but you know from your own life that people can feel things based on nothing. you will have many many examples of humans labouring under wild delusions. You have put him up on a pedestal that should be yours to stand on. Do you have people in rl who are kind and who you can talk to?

The decent thing would have been not to have an affair with a married man
also don’t be whinging about him dumping you when he’s had his fun and got bored of you

And without women with no morals who don’t mind shagging married men the affairs wouldn’t happen. Takes 2 to tango

Op, I bet his marriage wasn't bad <apart from his cheating obviously> and he didn't love you. They all say that.

The only way to move forward is to accept you were in a bad place, made a mistake and draw a line. Good luck. Make sure the next one is unattached .

Beautiful post. I love that idea of the pedestal. Well said.

What a bunch of vipers.

It's entirely possible that he could love the OP. So sorry that doesn't fit in with the narrative though 😅

Haven't read the whole thread but someone somewhere must have spoken about 'karma' by now.

OP, you'll move on. It really is true that time is a healer.

Cheats just use people for a bit of a diversion from their real, possibly boring, lives.
If love was involved they'd obviously find a way to be with their fling person full time. Nothing 'viper' about stating the obvious.

I feel sorry for the op, an abusive relationship then a cheat. It must be soul destroying. The only way forward is to work on self esteem and aim for a better relationship with a single person.

It is entirely possible that they loved each other. There are lots of different versions of love. Nobody has a rule book on this.

whatever it was, is now over so that’s it. Read ‘women who love too much’ if you can get your hands on it.

Anyway, my take away from this thread ia not one single person, not even the op thought it was a good idea to have an affair. We all agree on that at least. It’s really terrible for everyone involved and the damage can last a lifetime.

At least nobody knows about this one, and it has ended now so you can get on with your life.

@NeverEverLand37 "His marriage was bad long before I came along. He isn’t leaving for complications reasons that would be outing. It’s too black and white to say he was using me for sex. That I wasn’t the first. He loved me. I know that. That’s why it’s so difficult."

Oh, that's different then! Cos no cheating bastard married man has ever said any of that before. Most of them don't think twice about leaving their comfortable family homes, splitting their assets (including their pension) and then paying maintenance. Boy did you find an unusual one.

You can state that as fact can you?

I'm not psychic and I don't know the op, but it's a tale as old as time. Married person cheats, uses a fling for thrills then gets bored/another opportunity and dumps them.

I'm sure the op can do better amd I wish her well.

The OP doesn't deserve a pass because she's a woman. She's also not a victim. She's a co-player in her own demise and that of another woman. Pretending this is a man's fault is so laughable and fanatical. They're both at fault and the OP hurt her own feelings for playing with fire and getting burned. I hope this is a one off and lesson learned. But, there were 2 adulterers in this relationship and OP was one half of that. Actions have consequences. That's not judging. That's adulting with facts. Also, judging is good. It keeps us grounded so we can learn and teach accountability. Judging means OP can learn not to repeat this mistake and why. Some judgement beforehand could have prevented the issue.

Oh op, please wake up. The reasons won't be "outing" at all, they will be the standard excuses - DC, money, wife's "health" etc etc.
And OF COURSE he told you his marriage was "bad". If he had said, "I love my wife, I have zero intention of leaving her, but I fancy a shag on the side", would you have done it? He told you what you needed to hear so you would do what he wanted you to do. This is not a good man.