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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm the OW. He ended it.

387 replies

NeverEverLand37 · 20/05/2026 12:29

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

OP posts:
ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:14

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:10

Never said you cheated.. I said anyone who supports it is just as bad.
I didn't read the rest of your tripe as I will ALWAYS call out cheating and I will never associate with anyone I know personally who has done it.
That is my choice and your word salad won't change that.

Enjoy.

You lost me at "I will always CALL OUT"

Minding your own business is also a value.

ComedyGuns · 20/05/2026 23:15

Meadowfinch · 20/05/2026 12:34

Oh well. Who wants an unfaithful man anyway? Sounds like you've dodged a bullet. Have a few weeks off and then go and find someone decent instead, Good luck.

This.

No drama.

Just get on with your life.

moderate · 20/05/2026 23:17

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:10

Never said you cheated.. I said anyone who supports it is just as bad.
I didn't read the rest of your tripe as I will ALWAYS call out cheating and I will never associate with anyone I know personally who has done it.
That is my choice and your word salad won't change that.

Enjoy.

"I didn't read your argument because I already know what it says" is not the strong position you seem to think it is.

GutterPlant · 20/05/2026 23:18

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:14

You lost me at "I will always CALL OUT"

Minding your own business is also a value.

Minding your own buisness is also a value.

Literally haing an affair with someones husband is the definition of not minding 😂your own buisness.

ComedyGuns · 20/05/2026 23:24

OchreRaven · 20/05/2026 13:49

You need to recognise if he would cheat with you, he would cheat on you. He is not a safe space. It’s easy to pretend to be the white night saving the damsel in distress when his wife was supporting him at home. No doubt looking after his children and taking on the majority of the mental load so he had space to pour his energy into you. But he is not a catch. He’s a man who recognised the vulnerability in you that he could exploit to make himself feel good — getting to play the saviour and having illicit sex. The reality is he is the villain in his own story. He knows deep down that his life with his family is real and you were a fantasy to ease his own insecurities and that’s why he has ended it.

Block him and begin to heal before you start any new relationships.

This does sadly make a lot of sense.

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:39

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:14

You lost me at "I will always CALL OUT"

Minding your own business is also a value.

Yep you have yours I'll have mine.
I do not give a fuck what you think.

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:41

moderate · 20/05/2026 23:17

"I didn't read your argument because I already know what it says" is not the strong position you seem to think it is.

It's irrelevant.
Your superior call out isn't the position you think either.
My position on it won't change regardless of the army that backs it because she's a women.
If the OP was a man this would be a VERY different thread.

If you cheat you're worthless scum. If you support it you're not much better. The end. We are all entitled to our opinions and cheating is one thing I am inflexible on.

And we are strangers to each other so while I judge your position what you think of mine matters not one bit.

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:42

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:39

Yep you have yours I'll have mine.
I do not give a fuck what you think.

You don't show the moral superiority you think you do I am afraid!

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:43

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:42

You don't show the moral superiority you think you do I am afraid!

I don't need to. It's my opinion and it won't change 🤷‍♀️

Thewookiemustgo · 20/05/2026 23:45

SerafinasGoose · 20/05/2026 20:44

You are the one doing the spinning. An affair is not collusion in 'someone's abuse'. That's just emotional hyperbole.

It's also insulting to those who have been on the receiving end of actual, real abuse.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an affair you’ll realise that being lied to, gaslit, psychologically abused, having your sexual agency removed, being financially abused, is a recognised form of abuse. It can result in chronic anxiety, depression, PTSD and even suicide. That’s not taking anything away from the terrible abuse suffered through other means, but please don’t minimise women’s experiences on here, abuse is abuse, no matter how you encounter it.
An OW who knows the situation she is choosing to participate in is colluding, is at the very least OK with the mistreatment of the wife by him and by continuing the affair is actively joining in. By turning a blind eye to the deception of others, the mistreatment of others, you have a share of the responsibility for the hurt caused, even to a stranger to whom you owe nothing. The husband’s behaviour and responsibility for it is his and his alone. But OW need to look at their behaviour too, they need to ask themselves if they think what he’s doing, plus what they are keeping secret for him, is a good and kind thing to do. Helping others in their wrongdoing is wrongdoing in of itself. “Emotional hyperbole” it most certainly isn’t.
However badly men behave, does not give the women they are involved in a free pass to help them.
Affairs seem to be seen as something that women can participate in with no censure or responsibility whatsoever and with no thought for the wife or the children if there are any. The married man is fully responsible for the affair and deception of his wife, of course he is. The OW, however, is responsible for sleeping with somebody else’s husband with full knowledge that her actions too, will hurt a woman and her children who are complete strangers to her, who never did her a minute’s harm. I’m not bitter, I just have standards for myself and hate to hurt others, even indirectly.
Men should police their own behaviour and by the same token so should women.
Affairs are abusive. OP was used and lied to and gaslit too, and dumped abruptly like she is worth nothing. This is an abuse of her trust in him and her investment in what she saw as a real relationship.
He has damaged her mental heath. Her contribution will also damage his wife’s mental health and obviously so will his. Anyone who knowingly acts in ways which damage the mental health of another, directly or indirectly, is being abusive.

moderate · 20/05/2026 23:47

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:41

It's irrelevant.
Your superior call out isn't the position you think either.
My position on it won't change regardless of the army that backs it because she's a women.
If the OP was a man this would be a VERY different thread.

If you cheat you're worthless scum. If you support it you're not much better. The end. We are all entitled to our opinions and cheating is one thing I am inflexible on.

And we are strangers to each other so while I judge your position what you think of mine matters not one bit.

You cannot know anything about the argument that was made, because you didn't read it. Therefore everything you have written above is irrelevant.

Try again.

Sensiblesal · 20/05/2026 23:48

Larrythecatforpm · 20/05/2026 12:30

Firstly don’t get with a married man again, he didn’t love you he just wanted the sex. Get your self esteem up and stop ruining peoples marriages, you reap what you sow.

Edited

she didn’t ruin anyones marriage. That is all on the married man unless she forced him to cheat 🙄

I feel you are being mean for the sake of being mean. The OP was clearly vulnerable having come out of an abusive marriage. I have no doubt the married man preyed on that & made all kinds of promises.

OP needs kindness. The married man ending it will have brought up the ending of the last relationship

Lavender14 · 20/05/2026 23:48

You need to block and delete op. Completely cut this from your life.

Get yourself to domestic abuse informed bacp accredited therapy to help you process and unpack the trauma you've been through and to work out why this was the guy you fell for after that relationship.

Invest in yourself - hobbies, friends, making yourself feel good and strong in yourself.

That's the best way forward.

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:52

moderate · 20/05/2026 23:47

You cannot know anything about the argument that was made, because you didn't read it. Therefore everything you have written above is irrelevant.

Try again.

You are hilarious.
I've just read it to appease you since it was such a big deal your whole argument hung on it.
And my opinion hasn't changed.

Again if the OP was a man this would be a different thread. Where I have zero tolerance regardless of gender.

But now I've read it for you. Though it changed nothing I hope that satisfies now. What a fucking odd individual.

moderate · 20/05/2026 23:56

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:52

You are hilarious.
I've just read it to appease you since it was such a big deal your whole argument hung on it.
And my opinion hasn't changed.

Again if the OP was a man this would be a different thread. Where I have zero tolerance regardless of gender.

But now I've read it for you. Though it changed nothing I hope that satisfies now. What a fucking odd individual.

Edited

Your attempts to move the goalposts are much more obvious than you think they are.

Goodnight.

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:56

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:43

I don't need to. It's my opinion and it won't change 🤷‍♀️

I am sure it won't, but being convinced you have the right and are morally superior if you intrude in other people's business is not really a positive.

I bet you would judge harshly a neighbour behaving just like that with you.

lifetheuniverse · 20/05/2026 23:57

Did not take long for someone to blame the wife

OP owns her own actions, she knew and she still went ahead - only she opened her legs no one forced her to. Irrelevant what he did or did not say and do. OLP knew he was married and chose to go ahead - no one coerced her.

Her lack of morals are her issue in this scenario - nothing to do with her EX, thisman or the mans wife. She made a choice - now she lives with the consequences and guilt she may or may not feel about what she did.

GutterPlant · 20/05/2026 23:58

Ow have a very skewed sense of reasoning, the middle class ones who believe they are educated are the worst, they reason out their blame through perceived intellegence about luurve.

Thirers is not a grubby love, theirs is higher calling of two guided souls who eventually are brought together by fate and a grubby work romance.

Heaven.

Then the truth of the matter hits down the line and their scrambling to find reason for their discard, the truth hurts to know and accept they have just been used. An unbelievably common occurance and one they never beieved could happen to them because they were special. For some reason they believe wives should be more realistic and accept their man will fall in love with these desirable creatures but they themselves cannot handle realism, that most men want to return home and they were used for playtime for stupid men.

I know plenty of couples who have been through the crap of affairs and most of them stayed together and most of the wives treated the returning males like crap, and they put up with it hoping to be forgiven, hoping to be treated one day with an ounce of dignity and love and like human beings, after your supposed saving of the poor husband.

And the one thing they all do is forget about the ow., like you meant nothing.

Now who would want that for themselves, too late for many of you, but try not to promote being an ow is good or place respectability on it because we don't want that for young women, to accept crumbs from married men.

If you accept a zero tolerance policy then the younger genrations may not feel that it's quite so acceptable, by not accepting any blame you are actively promoting a lack of self esteem for young women, your denial is creating a lacking in values culture and is harmful for women.

Not so clever.

Brideofclover · 20/05/2026 23:58

You didn’t work with him did you??? 😳

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:59

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 23:56

I am sure it won't, but being convinced you have the right and are morally superior if you intrude in other people's business is not really a positive.

I bet you would judge harshly a neighbour behaving just like that with you.

I have zero tolerance for cheaters. I have cut friends off who have done it. That's my choice to do.
The rest you have assumed about me from a few short posts that are only about one topic.
I have every right to judge it.

ThisCandidMintGoose · 21/05/2026 00:05

Damaticcus · 20/05/2026 23:59

I have zero tolerance for cheaters. I have cut friends off who have done it. That's my choice to do.
The rest you have assumed about me from a few short posts that are only about one topic.
I have every right to judge it.

judge away, it's a free country

It's your insistance on "CALLING OUT" and interfering in other people business I question. Of course you are entitled to any opinion you like, I have my own opinion of you.

LBFseBrom · 21/05/2026 00:06

NeverEverLand37 · 20/05/2026 16:25

Thank you for all the responses. They are all things i need to hear. He is still with his wife. She doesn't know. I won't be telling her. I just want to be able to more forward now.

Which you will, NeverEverLand. Just give it time but you'll move on and leave this business behind you. You'll be wiser too.

Right now it hurts which is normal but that will not last.

Damaticcus · 21/05/2026 00:12

ThisCandidMintGoose · 21/05/2026 00:05

judge away, it's a free country

It's your insistance on "CALLING OUT" and interfering in other people business I question. Of course you are entitled to any opinion you like, I have my own opinion of you.

Sorry I used the words calling out since they offend so much. The rest of my opinion stands.

Damaticcus · 21/05/2026 00:41

moderate · 20/05/2026 23:56

Your attempts to move the goalposts are much more obvious than you think they are.

Goodnight.

My opinion hasn't changed. There were no "goal posts".

CamillaMcCauley · 21/05/2026 00:48

ThisCandidMintGoose · 20/05/2026 22:51

oh yes, I am sure they were an absolute delight and that's why their partner decided to move on.

They didn’t move on though, did they?

Ending a relationship and moving on is an appropriate and sensible thing to do if you’re unhappy with your partner.

But affair partners don’t move on. They stay and continue to extract benefits from the relationship, which is obviously still serving some of their needs, while also cheating and lying.

If someone’s not at least a little bitter after having that done to them, they’re a better person than I am.