Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

“One of you needs to completely walk away. If it has to be him because you can't then so be it. Hes doing you a massive favour.”

This, I guess. Still feels like shit though and just proves maybe I always loved him more than he did me. Not a nice feeling.

I wonder how much he'd have loved you if, after he'd moved out, you'd announced you'd sold your house in order to move into a 2 bed apartment?

Please wise up Pithy!

I’m plenty wise, thanks, just hurting. He has said he would still have loved me if I lived in a studio. I said that’s just words and won’t ever be tested. The only way it was tested was by seeing how he reacted over the last few months. And he failed. I remember he actually said to me, I’ll give it six months of effort to make it work living separately until September. It’s like he portioned off a cost-benefit amount of effort and time he was prepared to waste to see if he could convince me to undo but has now hit his limit and decided to cut losses.

how is your son doing? Does he think you’re together but still apart? I hope your ex wasn’t going to try to talk to you in the car about your relationship with him there. I don’t think he can care for you if he doesn’t care about or miss your son. I’d miss my stepson if my husband and I broke up.

agreed that he’s doing you a favour by cutting the cord but I suspect he’ll be back as you have to do the emotionally heavy lifting. Sorry but at least you seem to be on track to not keeping contact.

@PithyBeaker His idea of "effort" was to tell you he loved you whilst pointing out everything he felt was wrong with your approach to the relationship.

Manipulating someone to achieve a desired end result (him+ kids back in at yours) is not the emotional effort he is implying it was.

oh mate. You are NOT distrustful of men, or paranoid, or any of the other shit he has said. You trusted him and believed in him until HE fucked that up.

Don't try to work out what he felt about you. I am sure he did love you, but he was ALSO a user. Draw a line under this and block him on everything - no good can come of keeping him in your life. Whatever he felt about you before, now he has become very very nasty.

Maybe I don’t trust men and this is why everything fell apart, slowly, over time. I don’t know.

Read your threads again. You could not have been more fair-minded to this man, even as your readers were tearing their hair out with frustration. He abused your generosity and is still trying to push your buttons. Don’t let him under your skin again.

Maybe I don’t trust men and this is why everything fell apart, slowly, over time. I don’t know.

More like, maybe you don’t trust him any more. And quite right too!

‘Feel so inexpressibly lonely and really feel this was my last chance and I fucked it up bc I’m so distrustful and paranoid that men aren’t to be trusted and if only I had tried harder, etc’

actually Pithy, I’d say your instincts are absolutely spot on. His intentions aren’t trustworthy

The conflict in all of this is that more than one thing can be true at the same time; you can feel relieved but feel terribly sad, he can be unpleasant and be kind sometimes, the relationship wasnt all bad….

but hopefully two weeks away from this has shown you that what you’re feeling is transient. You didn’t want him to collect you after a break, because you didn’t miss the hassle, you felt like you’d had a nice break and then he messaged you and here you are. It’s natural to worry about loneliness, but the version of life you’d have to settle for with him in it sounds differently very lonely too.

You’re a successful, intelligent, strong, generous and kind person, yet he continues to define you by circumstances in your past that were beyond your control. I sincerely hope he’s true to his word and leaves you alone now.

Exactly. You are right to not trust him.

Not one part of me thinks he "gone" now. Just another bow in his arrow to shoot at OP to see if she caves. Sigh 😑

its obvious you don’t give a shit and haven’t missed me.

So what if that were the case?

Relationships end.

I am watching a friend go through this and four years after things ended, and it’s her who lives somewhere else, the messages are still going on. It will only end when she blocks him and she never will.
Over that period I have watched her dwindle. She has gone from being a vibrant woman to a shell.
Everyone in her life knows what he’s like now, and how he behaves, her children are aware and leave her to it. But it has put a divide between her and people who love her.
Four years later she is absolutely stuck. He ‘ends’ contact and calls her for everything, including a c*nt, and then he’s back. It never ends. Her health is shattered.
@PithyBeaker I know you are heartbroken so take some time. But in time, you need to end this. Not him. This contact is going to make you ill. I know you were upset with posters advising you to NC before the holiday but it’s the only way. There is no other way.
I think you did end things properly and block him a while back.
You will only recover when you go no contact at all. Only you can do that for yourself.
As long as the contact continues you will not recover.

All this over saying “thanks for the offer but we’ll get a taxi thanks”

Did he ask you if you both had a nice holiday? What did son enjoy? If you felt relaxed? Recharged? Had fun?

You know the basic questions a friend asks?

Don’t let his reactions null the effects of holiday, what did you do that was fun or made you happy? Can you incorporate some of that at home, be it time to read, or a regular swim?

Where do you want to take son next? 11/12 year old boys (is that the right age ish) love Rome (ancient fighting and power) and Pompeii is amazing - you can do Rome/Pompeii/Vesuvius) in a week and October half term is a lovely temperature (just saying).

Relationships come to an end all the time, it’s sometimes nobody’s fault, they just run their course and as people and children’s need change and the adults parents change these relationships can become incompatible. It happens, a lot, all over the world.

You are not to “blame” @PithyBeaker - if you want to be generous as you come across you are - you can say neither is he. But now to still be throwing blame your way and not giving you and son a bit of space. How dare he try and ruin your return home. To bring it all up so as you land boom it’s right there on the runway.

Instead of saying “taxi noted hope you had a great time”. You get “oh woe is me look how trying I am and how cruel you are to throw it back in my face I have been pining looking after my own children on my own for all this time and you won’t let me be right there in your face supporting my life choices as soon as you land, oh you heartless woman after giving me all that love and support for years and I thought I could just carry on doing what I want when I want and you said no more oh woe is me”

Refind your holiday vibe

look at your photos
print out favourite
get it in a frame

I wonder if this was at the back of your mind when you thought about seeing him again and decided you couldn’t face it. You knew that it would only be another couple of weeks and he’d be expecting to move back in and so all the pressure would be on.

I know you’re hurting, but the alternative would have led to hurt too. And more sustained and constant.

@PithyBeaker so have you actually blocked each other now ?

I think I would block him now, if it was me. Every pleasant interaction is followed by a series of nasty comments guaranteed to bring you down. You are doing so well and he can see that and hates it. I have an exh who loathed it if I was enjoying myself and would deliberately be horrible.

Pithy you are letting him get to you. You made the right choice I assure you.

Emotions are pesky little bastards though and mess with you, but time will show it was right as he WON'T change, him still throwing things in your face proves that x

I’m a bit confused. You had a lovely holiday. You relaxed. All was good. You preferred to sort out a cab than spend a journey managing him.

He threw a load of insults at you, proving exactly what kind of bellend he is, how manipulative and selfish he is- he behaved appallingly.

And somehow you think it’s your fault? You’re sad?

You should be triumphant at being justified and right all along. For some reason this appalling behaviour of his has you thinking you did something wrong, when it’s just proof you did everything right!

Same I’m a little confused. You had a great time. You come back, he acts like an arse. You clearly did the right thing.

What has he done to show you he can be trusted?

He rushed you into moving in. He treated you poorly. He let his kids tear up your house and be competitive with and not so nice to your son. He thought he had you and the package you come with in the bag so he dropped the ball. He won't have a relationship with you living apart. He brings you misery. Your son was happy to see their backs.

None of this screams trustworthy. He's out for himself and his kids and he's not going to be a safe person for anyone else.

He's like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fences. He'll never stop testing those boundaries and that's another thing that makes him untrustworthy. That was him trying when you went on holiday.

He doesn't get that treating you well is a choice he could be making right now. Here he is trying to get back in and he chooses to be a misery dude and piss and moan about you so you'll feel so bad that you let him back in. That's a guilt trip. He's putting his worst foot forward trying to get back into your home. It seems a bit counterproductive.

Has he been actively looking at more permanent larger places? If not, that says it all. He's counted on getting back into yours.

Oh, tell ex to change his address if he hasn't by now. That's long overdue and he's held on thinking you'd let him move back in. Then it's time to block him and stop letting his discontent at his choices and consequences ruin your day.

@PithyBeaker

It’s like he portioned off a cost-benefit amount of effort and time he was prepared to waste to see if he could convince me to undo but has now hit his limit and decided to cut losses.

That's exactly what he did. He may not have phrased it that way in his mind, but that is what it was and you are seeing it clearly. And that 6 months is almost up, isn't it? So he 'took his stand' with just enough time left for you to cave before your 'time's up'. He is quite calculating. Don't think he's not.

I don't remember if you've said, but if you haven't blocked him, now is the time. You are grieving and need absolute peace, no jangled nerves when the phone rings. Being on tenterhooks as to whether or not he calls and 'takes it back' won't be helpful to you. Take that opportunity away from him. That is in your power.

You'll get through this, you really will.

The book women who love too much places the blame with you and is not written for women experiencing abusive relationships.

The blame is always with the abuser. Regardless of how much you earn and ability to pay a (crap) private therapist you need to do the freedom programme. This will teach you far more about the nature of the abusive relationship you are stuck in. Do it in person. I thought my ‘abuse’ wasn’t that bad compared to other women at the group but they disagreed. They thought my abuse was worse than theirs. We all minimise. Especially the emotional impact on ourselves and our DC because we are stuck in survival mode. Not that all abuse is life threatening but an ongoing threat to trust, security, wellbeing etc.

All women can encounter abusive relationships and they are hard to escape but your PTSD may make it harder for you to escape. You can go to your GP and request trauma therapy. There is a waiting list but you should be able to find a therapist that practices EMDR. This can be life changing.

you must know deep down that your partner will never change and does not care about your well-being or that of your son. This is the truth you need to learn to accept whatever buttons he presses to manipulate you. Red is correct. You are being manipulated. He can keep this up forever if you give him a chink because at some point you will become vulnerable and need him.

You don’t want to be with him.
He has now said he doesn’t want to be with you.

There is literally no reason for you to still be in contact.

Sitting here waiting for a delivery so I read all four of @PithyBeaker threads and honestly I just want to send a hug and tell her that’s she’s going to be okay.
Right from the beginning, in April, which is some time ago now, she was so lonely at the end with this man.
He’s keen on contacting her now and yet when he was with her he was too busy gaming to go for a walk with her.
I know he’s a few years younger but he’s very immature and it shows.
Pithy had been through a lot in her life - we don’t need any details to understand.
40 is not old. It’s not the last chance. Many women on here, myself included, began again at that age. I don’t regret it.
I think this man simply wants things his way and he knows some of OP’s ‘tender’ spots and knows how to hit them.
And hit them he does.
I used to be clingy, never wanting to let people go of any kind, but I had to learn to dk that to have a future, basically.
If someone had told me when I was 40 that letting go would change my life, I would not have believed them.
I wish someone could have told me as I’d have felt less alone in the process.
So… you can do it, but it’s going to take real guts. But I think Pithy has that in spades.