Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Absolutely this. Practice saying well I have told you these things for many years despite you being able to read on your own, but then you said doing all these things was controlling, so I’d better not.
Him: ‘dd needs new clothes’ you: you should choose what goes to your place, it would be controlling of me.
you: dds swim stuff needs to come back here. Him: it can stay at mine. You: that would be very controlling if you to take all her useful stuff, you need to buy your own sets fro them like an adult who parents. They didn’t appear to me as a gift from god. I parented like an adult and bought them.
him: I need you to have them x day.
you: I’m not around then, we have to stick to the contact plan. It’s better for the kids to know when they are where.

When you are telling the kids be honest but focus on good things. So you can say that there will be less arguments at home and that is better for everyone. You can say that their dad has taken some things to a new home for them so you can go and buy new things which might be exciting. And you can ask them how they are feel and what they are worried about and talk about those things. And you can talk about your feelings, that you feel sad right now, but that when everything is settled you will be happier. you can feed them chocolate too because it is definitely a conversation that needs chocolate.

@mummy917

I agree 💯% with completely stepping away from doing anything for him. He wants to be single, fine, then he can be single in every possible way.

One thing I would suggest about Saturday, if you have things that are precious to you (or the children), are irreplaceable, or that you use regularly, I'd suggest you move them 'elsewhere' before Saturday so he doesn't take them. Especially things like photos, vital documents, or precious/valuable mementos. I have a friend whose exH took her jewelry and their children's baby pictures. Never in a million years would she have thought he'd do something so low.

I have a whole night planned for us on Saturday with a film, sweets/chocolate and pizzas. I’m hoping it lifts their spirits and will give them the opportunity to ask anything they want.

I have been honest with them throughout that this is also making me sad and it hasn’t been my choice or what I want, but things happen sometimes that we don’t want to.

When I got home last night he started calling me horrible again after I’d said to him that I don’t understand how he seems perfectly fine. I quickly reminded him of a comment he made to me on Sunday about how he was stupid for not walking away from me years ago, but that when he says unkind things I’m just supposed to take it, yet if I say something in the heat of the moment, I’m horrible, vile, the list goes on.

it seems like he is making up his own narrative and will never be wrong. In my situation (I was the one to leave) he didn't take any responsibility for his role in the marriage breakdown and never will - and never has since. It takes two to end a marriage and if you are reflecting on what you 'could' have done differently, what would you say? for me, it was that I could've agreed with very decision, lost all my friends and let him control my money, spending and not stand up for myself and have a life of submission... I suspect you would've had to do the same for him to stay. You should be proud of the fact that you haven't been a doormat and accepted the treatment, if that makes you controlling then yeah, own it!!

Yes I totally agree with this. He has this narrative in his mind and nothing can deviate from it. When I’ve tried in the last few months to explain to him about not feeling considered or that my feelings are often disregarded, he flips it round to say I’ve tried to stop him from doing things, although that couldn’t be further from the truth. Before all of this started, he’d go to the gym 3 times a week and would see his friends once a week. He was out more times on a night than he was at home in the space of a week and I never said anything. But if I ever asked him to miss a football match or come in from a night out at a reasonable time so he was able to parent with me the following day, that was controlling. I was also controlling about money because I said the money he has used for his now 3 separate tattoo sessions (£400 each so £1200 in total), could’ve been used for much more practical things that we needed.

I have came to realise over the last few weeks that no matter what I say, he will turn it round so I am constantly in the wrong and I think I just need to make my peace with that.

I can’t believe he spent that much on tattoos, but maybe I can.
Because he’s an absolute arsehole.
There is no point in discussing your feelings now because he’s never considered them.
He wants to live more of a single life and he’s been living close to one anyway.

Problem is that you are hurting for yourself & your kids.

Unfortunately what you're hurting for doesn't exist.

There's a difference between controlling & taking control is there there?

No one takes control-nothing gets done!

For your own mental health, is there anyway you can go away and stay with friends or family for a few days? Watching him pack up half the house is heartbreaking for you and it’s really unfair to put you through it, it’s cruel.

I realise tonight is going to be a tough night for both you and the children. They’ll need you tonight, but maybe Thursday you could leave for a couple of nights, it gives you time to yourself to regroup before you have to deal with the children’s big emotions over the weekend.

Has he made plans for when he’s going to see the children again yet?

He sounds like he's read 'The Divorcing Man's Handbook' and just repeats the key phrase he remembers- "it's your fault, you're controlling!'".

This is the man who couldn't afford to buy mattresses for his kids because he's spent £1200 on a tattoo...

This is the man who was out more nights a week than he was home.
For years.

This is the man who got angry when you reminded him about parenting needs.

Definitely make your peace with his attitude that he is always right, it will be less exhausting and upsetting for you.

Your plan for Saturday night sounds lovely, you are creating a great situation for your kids to feel comfortable and relaxed to enable them to ask any questions or say how they're feeling. Or just enjoy a cosy family evening without any tension from dad to spoil it.

You're doing all you can. Stay strong! 💪

PS he should be giving you half the money for the mattresses, make sure that's in writing somewhere. 💐

Unfortunately that’s not an option as he’s at work until Thursday and will be packing the rest of his stuff on Friday when he has the day off, before he moves out on Saturday.

He still hasn’t sorted out a fridge yet even though I’ve sent him a couple that are nearby to us for around £70 on Facebook marketplace that he could pick up at the weekend when he has hired the removal van, but he doesn’t want them. He wants one that is brand new from somewhere like Curry’s “so it lasts him years” (his words not mine). So as a result of no fridge yet, he has said he won’t be able to have the kids at all next week, until he sorts out a delivery date for the one he wants. When I said he could just get a second hand one that is cheaper to serve the purpose for now, I again got accused of trying to tell him how to spend his money 🙄 I literally cannot win.

He also brought up the 50/50 schedule last night that I put together which he had agreed with but is now saying he isn’t happy with it as it would mean he’d have the kids every Friday and he “wants his day off every other week”. He’s proposed a different schedule but it works out that out of 14 nights, I’d have them 8 and he’d have them 6, so closer to 60/40 in my favour. Although I don’t think he’s realised yet that his schedule means he’d be having them 3 nights each week, not 4 and 3 and therefore not 50/50, which is what was reflected in the schedule I put together.

Honestly I know. Seeing it all written down like that really hammers it home how ridiculous he is.

I am full of anticipation about Saturday for the kids but hope that I am doing the right thing by removing them from the situation as much as possible while he’s leaving the family home and then giving them a calm, relaxing night when we get back home after he’s gone.

He has said he will pay me back for the mattresses but I’m not holding my breath. As long as the kids have comfortable, safe beds at his house too, then that peace of mind is enough for me xx

He literally cannot see this at all. Although there’s definitely an element that he doesn’t want to see things from my perspective either as it makes this easier for him to portray himself as the wronged party.

god he’s a prick
let him have the 3 nights to your 4 and once you’re settled into this routine then put in your cms claim .

This is why he couldn't think what to tell your child who asked why he was leaving - he knows that the reason he's given you is BS, and even he can't bring himself to repeat that lie to his child. And he's got nothing else he can say!
Honestly, that £1200 tattoo is his 'badge of dishonour' - a permanent reminder of how he always chose himself over his family.

Don’t mention to him that his schedule gives you more days, just put a cms claim in once things are settled. I’m assuming he’s going to give you maintenance for the week he’s not having them? Is he at least planning to see them at all during that week?

He really is incredibly selfish. He’s basically walking out and leaving you to pick up the pieces, dealing with the kids’ devastation.

Will the children even cope being away from you 3 nights a week and will they actually want to stay with him?

This, he will never do 50:50... he might on paper, but there will always be some last minute night out / excuse to why he cannot show up. So get the kids settled and then ask him for maintenance and if he says no, go via cms and submit your evidence...

I think you are going to be happier - you just don't know it yet. A little saying my friend had was short term shit, long term gain. I've said it before, but you are doing amazing so one day at a time and hold your head high!

My ex walked out on me 10 months ago... no conversation, no nothing just off he went... and got a fuck of massive family tattoo, after obliterating without warning mine, my children and our shared child life. I shall no look at it as a badge of dishonour - thank you pp!

I think you really need to stop mothering him with the buying of mattresses and finding secondhand fridges for him online. Let him fail, if need be. So he can’t have the kids overnight because he spent £1200 on a tattoo rather than on mattresses and a fridge. So what? That’s his problem. You have the kids 100% until he can set up a home, and the CM claim you put through the system reflects that.

So what if the “50/50” he has drawn up is 60/40? You put in a CM claim to reflect that.

Let him fail, and stop being there to remind him and help him. He chose this setup, so he needs to sit in the discomfort of his bad planning for a while. (And part of that discomfort is not receiving a Fathers Day gift from YOU.)

I’m not planning to mention it to him, I want to see if he cottons on to it no longer being 50/50 if we do it his way. I am more than happy to have the kids with me the majority of the time, I mean if I’m being honest, I’d rather they were with me 100% but that’s just me being selfish.

No, no mention of anything for next week when he’s not having them at all, other than he will “try and pop over when he’s got some free time in between work and sorting the new house.”

I honestly don’t know how they will be going to stay overnight at his new house. I think my eldest will be okay, but my 4 year old daughter and 2 year old twins will be a different matter I think. My 4 year old doesn’t particularly like being away from me but will tolerate it when she knows there’s no option (if I’m at work or when she will be seeing her dad going forward). And that does make me worry.

I really do hope I get to that point where I feel happier without him and am looking ahead to the days where mine and the kids’ lives feel more settled and smooth.

I am so sorry that happened to you too, the devastation it leaves behind is unbelievable. I really hope you’re in a much better place now xx

You’re absolutely right and I know that. It’s been a habit for so long now that it is like second nature but I am doing my best to break it.

I am doing my best to just sit back and let him get on with it and if he comes up against an obstacle, then letting him work it out himself.

He really is a selfish man-child who thinks of no one but himself. He’ll try and pop round when he has time, he can’t even put his childrens’ needs first for once? The next week is going to be so emotional for your children, yet he can’t even put them first during this time. Any decent parent would be putting their needs first.

As an aside make sure you get your keys back from him, it’s no longer his house so he no longer has free access to it. In fact for your own sanity I’d try and keep your interactions with him to an absolute minimum.

@mummy917 , Please don’t let him treat your home as a drop centre where he can just ‘pop in’, even if it is just for one week. The minute he moves out, your home is a knob free zone! It is your sanctuary away from all his shit. I’m damn sure you won’t be welcome in his home going forward. You’ll probably never see the inside of it. If he wants to see the kids, he picks them up and takes them out. I see too many scenarios where men leave their wives and kids but continue to come and go as they please in their ‘ex home’ to see the children. Often because they have new partners who don’t want their kids around, but either way your house is not a drop-in centre going forward. I know you probably want to be accommodating for the children's sake, but you need to draw this line in the sand now. I also agree with PP, don’t sort fridges or anything for him. I understand that it’s become part of your role during your marriage, but it isn’t anymore. You need to step right back and let him fail. He’s treated you with unbelievable cruelty over the last couple of months. Telling you he should’ve left you years ago is as spiteful as it gets. He’s basically telling you he never loved you whilst using you as a vessel to grow his children and run his home. He doesn’t deserve another moments headspace from you.

@ilikemethewayiamhow am I supposed to deny him from seeing the kids this coming week without looking unreasonable? I know what he will say and he will turn it back around and say something about me stopping him when he just wants to see his kids while he’s trying to sort his house out. I know exactly what he’s like and how he will twist the narrative. It won’t be an option following this first week, but if there’s a way I can phrase it so that he can’t turn it against me, then I’ll happily say it to him. I’ve had enough of feeling like my home isn’t my own over the last few months, so I want it to be mine and the kids’ safe space asap.

Yeah, telling me he should’ve left me years ago really stung and made me question why he married me or had children with me. When I asked him that he just stared at me blankly.

“You moved out; you don’t live here anymore. I am not ‘stopping you from seeing your children.’ You can choose where you take them, whether it’s to your new home, to the park, to your mum’s house, to soft play, or to a coffee shop. We are exes now and I have moved on, and that means that you are no longer allowed access to my personal living space.”