Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Op I get the feeling your trying to prove to him that your not controlling and you're a good person . I do t think you are controlling at all I feel like you've always just been the one who makes sure things are done and you have been the responsible one . Let look at how him controlling his own live and prioritislle has worked ? He prioritised a tattoo over mattresses for his kids . You are NEED to stop taking his responsibilities away from him and allow him to live with the consequences of his poor decisions and money management if that means he can thavr his children 50/50 that's in him not you and that's his responsibility to explain that to them because it's not in your control . Really op he is manipulative and gaslighting you and it's highly abusive emotionally and financially.

Woot woot!! Gold star op for telling him some reality! What a coward with his ‘ill tell you when you’re older’

Him calling me controlling does make me feel rubbish, I won’t lie and say it doesn’t so yeah maybe I am subconsciously trying to prove that I’m not. But yes I do now see it from others’ perspectives too and that ultimately all I’ve done is have an expectation of him as a dad and husband and when he hasn’t met that for his own selfish reasons, it all of a sudden becomes my fault and I’m controlling etc.

Doesn’t account for his priorities being completely backwards. I am now consciously taking a step back in terms of effectively cleaning up the mess he continuously makes regarding money and other things.

If anyone ever put it to him that he gaslights, he’d go from 0-100 as nothing has ever been or ever will be his fault.

He said he just didn’t know what to say at the time as he felt put on the spot, but I told him he’d have to think of something better than that to tell the kids as they grow up.

I forget if anyone mentioned this term before but what he is doing isn’t just negging ( which is a tool of control in dating or relationships) but is also DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is a well known tool of abusers to get you sidetracked and on the defensive. It achieves its goal when its victim (you) accept the frame (“oh I hope I am not controlling!”) or, worse, forgets or minimizes the original issue (“paternal neglect”) and trues to fix things for him.

You just need to exercise your “I don’t give a shit what you think” muscle, OP. The more you exercise it, the easier it will be to challenge him. You are doing brilliantly so far. X

@mummy917

Him calling me controlling does make me feel rubbish, I won’t lie and say it doesn’t

Start working on that. What you're most likely doing is calling him to account. That's not controlling that's telling someone to get their priorities straight. So give a think to when he calls you controlling. More likely than not it's when what he's doing negatively affects you or the DC, things like squandering family money needed elsewhere, neglecting to spend time with his children, and not doing his share of the domestic load.

I am now consciously taking a step back in terms of effectively cleaning up the mess he continuously makes regarding money and other things.

Wonderful!!! That's exactly what you should be doing. Let him go his merry way. Soon enough it'll be out of sight, out of mind. Protect your own finances and protect your children.

Make no excuses for him with the children, he can explain his own bullshit. "I don't know" is a valid response. Chances are you'll be using it quite a bit in the future. But do defend yourself if he says anything negative about you.

....nothing has ever been or ever will be his fault.

Classic narc-ish behaviour, so you may as well save your breath to cool your porridge. The more you try to get through to him the less he'll listen and the more he'll scream "controlling!!!!". Save yourself the grief. For now start by assuming a lofty attitude of "What a conceited fool" and (inwardly) shake your head with disdain. If he does accuse you of being controlling just heave a sigh, roll your eyes and say "Not this again, can't you find a new tune to play? This one has gotten a bit boring".

Well bloody done OP. Get him told!!! 👏👏👏👏

I would also be poised with "you say you want to do 50/50 so that you don't have to pay any maintenance, but at the moment you're doing around 10%, and even that with bad grace".

What a wonderful concept.

I’ve had to get out of the house for a few hours. He’s started packing and it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks again. I can’t watch him pack our lives up and he acts as though it means absolutely nothing to him.

Sorry, OP and I don’t mean to be hurtful, but that’s exactly how he feels. Your life together means nothing to him anymore. He’s closed the door on that chapter of his life. He’s shown you his true colours over the last couple of weeks. It’s one of the hardest things to come to terms with when a partner walks out on you. You didn’t ask for it but you are left to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and those of your children. I hope in time you will be able to look back and see him for who he really is. I’m glad you’ve found your anger and are not accepting his gaslighting. He hasn’t held up his end of the bargain as a husband or father and doesn’t want to be held accountable for that. Expecting him to is not controlling.

It’s okay to feel this way, your feeling and your processing are normal and valid. Your horrible husbands are not.

Take deep breaths. Don’t let him see the chinks in your armour.

It very much sounds like he has a girlfriend already. The patterns of where he’s been going and the timings don’t make sense if he were truly at his mums house… I would try your best to hate him because it’s looking more and more likely that he’s betrayed your hugely. He doesn’t deserve to see any of your devastation.

Of course you feel like that @mummy917 . Watching him preparing to go, a decision that he has clearly had plenty of time to come to terms with, while you're back in the shock. Your feelings are normal human feelings. He's a liar who thinks the grass is greener. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs. You will get through this, even if you can't see how just at the moment.

@mummy917

Hey, it's OK it's OK. Remember, all emotions are permitted now. Just don't let him see them. If you had to leave, tell yourself it's because you didn't want him to see how happy you are to see him go. And keep telling yourself that.

Remember he wants to see your misery. It feeds his ego. Think on that and let it make you angry.

At this point I sort of wish another woman would crawl out of the woodwork as I think on some level it would make it easier.

I had to leave before he did see me upset again. You’d think he was packing to go for a weekend away, had his music on and kept popping his head in to say “do you want to keep this or am I okay taking it?”, like it was nothing at all.

I really hope I look back and see that too, although I definitely have seen a different side to him over these last 3 months and I don’t even recognise him as my husband anymore.

Had you of not been 'controlling' the children would t be cared for life admin wouldn't be done plans wouldnt be made etc . He needs to take it on board that he can't call you controlling to shut you up what it suits him, then want you to take control of his responsibilities by buying mattresses ,he needs to pick a lane cos he's picking and choosing whatever suits his narrative at that time . I'm afraid your going to have to let him let your children down because thats in his control not yours . Ince he's gone over time it will become increasingly clear to you how manipulated and abused and controlled you have been by this man . Hes controlling the situation now by demanding 50/50 that he very likely won't be able to facilitate,he's not facilitati g it now whilst he's still in the home . Honestly op the rubbish is taking its self out right now for you it'll just take some time for your heart to catch up to your head xx

You’re absolutely right in what you say about needing to choose whether I’m controlling or not as he’s been perfectly happy to keep things ticking over for the last 13 years and didn’t bat an eyelid when I bought the mattresses.

My anxiety is heightening as Saturday approaches because I honestly do not know how best to handle things where the kids are concerned. We are sitting them down tomorrow night and telling them that Saturday is when he will be leaving, however I thought it best to take them out for the day so they don’t have to be there when he does actually leave. It’s a day that the oldest two will remember regardless and I want to make it as easy as possible for them.

Yes, I really can’t wait for the day for my heart to catch up with my head and be in the same place emotionally that he has been for the last 3 months xx

You may well find that you and the kids are far better after Saturday than you think. The last three months he has been arsing you all about and none of you have known where you were. Now you will have a sense of peace and normalcy.

Oh and be prepared for him to start asking for help with life admin shit to do with the kids that you have always sorted. "Why didnt you tell me it was sports day?!" "Well you told me not to be controlling so I assumed you had sorted it".

We have an open day for our 4 year old daughter tomorrow at the primary school she’ll be starting in September. The school sent an email to us both about it back in April and it’s been on the calendar at Joe for weeks too, as well as me mentioning it to him numerous times so he can leave work early for it. Tonight he has tried to say that he didn’t know about it and I was met with a blank look when I said I’d also had it written on the calendar for weeks. I mean, he has managed to check the calendar with no issues when he’s been writing his plans down on it 🙄

And from Saturday, none of this is your problem anymore. I mean it isnt, strictly speaking, your problem now. But officially from Saturday he has to be a grown up..... if you can, try to keep a sense of humour about watching him flail around now the Magic House Fairy isnt looking after everything anymore.

All I would say is, no more reminders. He wants to be on his own, well now he is, with all that that entails. Let him feel the reality of his choices and let the kids see them. I know that sounds harsh but they wont suffer any long term issues from it, and hopefully it will make him a better father. The kids wont suffer if they dont have PE kit on the right day for a few weeks.

I had to leave before he did see me upset again. You’d think he was packing to go for a weekend away, had his music on and kept popping his head in to say “do you want to keep this or am I okay taking it?”, like it was nothing at all.

This is incredibly cruel. Talk about rubbing your nose in it

Just be absolutely calm and matter of fact about everything. If the children cry, or ask why, just say “sometimes things work out this way. We will be fine. Lets make a plan for something fun tonight after dad moves out.” You are not responsible for fixing this for him so don’t rush to suggest suitable answers for him or try to help him soften it.

But you really will be fine. They will be fine. That is what you are modeling for them.

If it were me I would take them out for the day or even away overnight if that is an option, for the children’s sake as well as your own. I would also constantly assure them (as I’m sure you are doing) that none of this is their fault. Children have a habit of assuming responsibility.

liamharha has it absolutely right about the controlling bit. So it’s fine for you to be ‘controlling’ when it saves him hassle but not when it causes him hassle…

You know OP, he is a few steps ahead of you emotionally but he is miles behind you in terms of practical skills (juggling children, work and house) and in terms of getting organised with regard to the divorce. You will soon overtake him emotionally too I’m sure.

Oh well done @mummy917 !! I am cheering for you!

You did exactly the right thing, for you, and your kids.

I wish I could have seen the look on his face when you turned his BS right back at him...

(Eta this is in reply to your last post last night, but for somereasonit didn'tpost last night!)